Sometimes I feel like its over

Im upstairs alone on the computer because all we seem to do is fight. It doesnt matter what it is over but we end up saying things there no need to say and one of us leaves before it goes nuts.

Things werent always like this and we have only been married since june 2008
In some ways I feel like he only married me to be around our son. Sometimes things are great and I think about the future and start to plan to move or a holiday or even our next child... and then we fight... and I think whats the point of trying to plan anything with someone that doesnt want to really be with me,. I know he loves our son. Sometimes I'm not so sure he really knows what he wants out of life, out of our relationship... sometimes he makes me feel like there is no point trying to plan for our future.... I dont know how to change things between us. It sounds stupid but whenever things are going good its like its only because he feels he is doing what i want ( therefore making me happy) but like i control everything and decide everything...and anytime i try to talk to him seriously about things (future) he doesnt WANT to talk.... and I guess I just feel like im here to be his babysitter.. so he doesnt have to parent full time and alone;;
I know if we separated I would be alone and so would he. And we would both have to raise our son equally (or whatever) Sometimes I feel like he just took the easy way out rather than what he really wanted.
I know that relationships are hard work but it seems harder than it should be.

I dont even really know what I am saying. Sorry to vent

Just wanted to give you a hug I know hope you feel when we fight I have the same thoughts

Maybe try couple councelling you don't want to be stuck in a dead end relationship when u could be finding someone to really make you happy

:

---

but like i control everything and decide everything...and anytime i try to talk to him seriously about things (future) he doesnt WANT to talk...

---

Do you think this might be part of the problem? How can you be in a partnership if you decide everything? Are you talking AT him...or to him?

God, marriage is hard work in any circumstance hon, :hug: Sorry you are feeling like this I hope you can resolve some issues xx

I just wanted to give you some hugs :hug:
I have no advice atm, trying to work my own out right now, but just wanted to let u know that we are here for u.

:

---

Do you think this might be part of the problem? How can you be in a partnership if you decide everything? Are you talking AT him...or to him?

---

He sort of makes me decide everything and then acts like I like to control things. really I want him to take charge. I mean even If I ask him what he wants for dinner he never chooses anything.. " its up to you. " or "whatever"
Then i have to choose. its the same with nearly everything. What do you want to do today? Where do YOU want to go on holidays? Its like he doesnt have an opinion on anything in our lives and its constantly up to me. SO Im just usedto choosing everything, and its not fun, It hurts that its always me alone trying to plan or do anything. I think if I left "our lives together" up to him we would just sit on the couch all day doing nothing without any dreams.... I mean he has dreams but he acts like he cant have them now he has a family, which is crap... He wants to travel and work overseas and I fully support him and try to help in many ways. (But Its like... You (me) ruined my dreams... Now i cant do this , this and this) because i got married and had a child already.... Sometimes he immature. but i guess i am too(I married him)

I love him so much I am just hurt. I feel like he REALLY thinks I ruined his life

:hug: Mum2Romone reading your post I had to check your sig to see if you were my friend! Everything you have said is so much like her relationship with her DS's father. Mind you she is choosing to stay with him because she thinks she should as he is the father of her child, it is just an excuse because if she left him she would than be responsible for her own happiness rather than being able to blame him for her unhappiness if that makes sense. I am not saying that is what is going on with you because i have no idea. I guess the moral of the story is to do what makes you happy, what are the reasons for staying in the relationship? I know your DS will be a huge factor but try to take them out of the picture for a minute and look at your relationship with your hubby. If you find you are thinking of a whole lot of wonderful things about him than tell him all those things! He probably hasn't heard them in a while? If you find you don't really have that much love for him than think about how to change that or how to change your life so that 'you' are happy. Your child will be happy when his parents are happy be it together or apart :hug:

:hug:

Is relationship counselling something he would go and attend do you think?

From reading your post I think there is definitely hope for you guys. You committed to one and other and it sounds like there has been no major violation of that commitment, just sounds like you are working out how to do this thing called marriage.

Marriage is so so hard sometimes and I think most couples go through the kind of things you are talking about. You are asking swhould it be this hard, I think the answer is yes it can be, the most happy of marriages are only happy because of the work they put in.

I think that is one of the most damaging misconceptions out there, that if it is meant to be or going to work that it just will work, because you love each other and it will just be easy. But love is much more than a feeling, you are at the point where it is now a decision, you can choose to love you dh or choose not to and he can do the same for you.

You won't find a single person on the planet that you could marry and just always be happy with and never have any issues. Even if you consider your own child, I am sure even he does things that annoy you, but you choose to handle them in a constructive way because he is your son, we need to do the same with our partners.

You are talking about meshing two lives together, each with their own values, childhoods, personalities, careers, financial goals and values, lifeplans, taste in food, parenting styles, hobbies etc etc etc there are so many variables and you are simply not going to agree on them all because you are two different people, and thats what you want in a relationship, a person who can teach you and show you things that you don't already know.

You have obviously been in love with your dh in the past, so that shows that you are two people who are compatible to be in live and you are capable of loving each other. It doesn't sound like either of you have cheated or been abuse toward the other so absolutely I believe 100% you can have happily ever after together, and the amazing thing is, you can actually choose that happily ever after, you don't have to wait for it to arrive on your doorstep!

I agree with Lulu that perhaps you controlling things, like yu suggested, could be an issue. Personally I am a bit of a control freak so this is something I have to watch within my own marriage, I know the reason why I am like that and it helps to understnad that.

I really recommend reading the 5 love languages and also one book I really really recommend in Love Dare, it is more of a book to do as an individual but dh and I are doing it together at the moment, it is a 40day program kind of thing, were everyday there is about 3pages to read and a dare to do that day. It really makes you think about the way you do things, and is highlighting to each of us, as individuals, areas we need to change or improve.

Also one absolute gem that Bathseba shared on here a little while ago is that our partners are not responsible for making us happy in our relationship, we actually are!

I really hope my post is uplifting and encouraging, I certainly don't want it to read as a rant YOU CAN BE HAPPY!

Let me know if u want to chatxx im still here

:

---

I guess the moral of the story is to do what makes you happy,

---

Cherished, perfect.

Mum2Ramone, DH and I went through a stage similar to this. It was horrible. Its more like 2 people living in a house where the only thing you have in common is a child. It was ridiculous because DH and I have oodles of stuff in common. He made the money, I was wholly responsible for spending it (that way if we didnt have enough, it was my fault). Holidays, my decision (that way if it sucked, it was my fault). How to handle the kids, up to me (that way if it didnt work or made them worse, my fault). And here is the kicker, our fights because of this ridiculous situation - its all in my head and if its sucks its because I make all the decisions, so its all my fault.

Dont allow yourself to be sucked into that trap anymore. Dont bother fighting about it anymore either - and I know its hard because the stress of havin to make every last decision and worrying that you might make the wrong one is crippling.

In future make half your decision this. "Its your turn to choose."

My lil sis and I have a stress free way of dealing with the finances and it works well for us. In my family, I get the money, pay all the bills, then hand what is left to DH to buy the food and make it last the fortnight. In hers, her DP gets the money, pays all the bills then hands her whats left to buy the food and make it last the fortnight.

No one person in either family is left with the entire burden, and while it sounds like making that money stretch out seems to be the harder part, its actually heart breaking to look at how much you have and watch it vanish. And it is easier to make it stretch when you don't realise how much you had in the first place. So maybe start involving him in the bill paying. Get him to slowly take responsibility for paying your current financial commitments so that he is involved and you are less burdened.

Don't get drawn into the fight, dont yell. Its like Lu said, talk to him, not at him. Men have "deflector shields" that would make Scottie jealous. If they feel they are about to be blamed for something or made feel guilty, they will turn into myopic jerks and you will be the one left feeling like the bad guy.

FInally, our lives really started to turn around when my DHs XP's sister gave us a copy of The Secret. It was not all the LOA stuff, but the most important message inside the whole show that cherished has already said. You are responsible for your own happiness. When you stop expecting others to make you happy, your life will turn right around. You choose how you react, how you feel and how you will let their words and actions make you feel. No one can make you feel bad, but you can choose to. If you concentrate on making you happy, he might just take some good vibes in and start to turn around himself. ... Or you might find that you would be happier if this was the end of your relationship. Dont be scared of finding that out, it would only be for the best if thats how it goes.

Smile, be brave, be happy in your life and your decisions.

Thsnk you ladies for your support. I will definately have a look at those books recommended as I am a book person, I have come to think that my husband and I need some time to rediscover who we each are as people. And remember why we fell in love. I am sick of being mad or frustrated... (he still blames it on my hormones....lol) But I know I want it to work its just about whether he does too. I will be back to chat when I can. My son is at the age where he wont sit still so It will be when hes asleep. thanks again.

I just saw your second post, I missed it before. That is really horrible that you feel that way :hug:

Just wondering have you and your DH had much time just to the 2 of you since your son was born? It is such a huge thing adjusting to being someone parent, I have a really strong belief that it is important to make time to still be you, both as individuals and as a couple, maybe this would help you guys too??

Wow reading this and seeing that it was nearly ten months ago makes me feel sick.... not much has changed, and although i certainly have tried alot of things since then, and we have moved and are now recently expecting another baby, dh is still acting like a selfish, immature human being. Sometimes he doesnt act like a parent at all, and it really makes me question my own judgement... like why i even thought i wanted this FOREVER with him.

He doesnt even Know about our second bub, yet as my plans to tell him over christmas went to **** when he started acting like a teenager, more interested in his mates over the christmas break.....

Im so over it , we have talked about finding our own places, separating etc. but i dont feel like hes taking me seriously and so im going to start looking once the real estates open again. I dont want to leave. I just want him to love me. and pay the right amount of attention to our son. Not there one week , and not the next....
I want him to want to have the life we have together, and want the same future. But it looks like we are heading in separate directions and nomatter what.... i cant seem to do anything right atm......

thanks for letting me vent

massive hugs huni...im so sorry your going through this. xxxx

If you go to Relationships Australia, they can help you with separation too.

take care

:hug: going through something similar atm, so if you want to chat/vent to someone, feel free to PM me!

how are you going Mum2Romone?