Aaaagh! Need help re: post-birth visitors

(Mods, please feel free to move this as I rather suspect it's in the wrong place.)

I thought I had this sorted - I told my mother and my mother-in-law that we would not be seeing visitors for one week post birth unless WE invited them. Yes, we know they want to see the baby, but we'll invite them if we are doing OK. (I have no desire to be seen with bad hair, no make-up and struggling with what to do with a newborn - I know all women go through this, but I don't appreciate people trying to take over or me being less than perfect: having people see me like this will really, really upset me.) I even put this on the website and made sure both Mum and MiL looked at this.

MiL has told me that she'll be popping for a few minutes round regardless (although not on the day), I said fine, but we may be napping and unable to see them. She said no more (and I hope she took the hint!). We had that discussion in the summer, around August. I may want to see them, I may not - that's my choice at the time.

My mother has been fighting this every step. She and my sister want to see me in hospital - they're going to come down ASAP to see me (including in labour... no way is my mum seeing me like that!). Ideally I'd tell them when I go into labour, but I've said no to that now! We were going to tell them when Liebling was born, but yesterday she told me that they're turning up. I've already said they can visit on Feb the 5th, as my Dad goes back overseas on the 6th, and we'll just hope the baby is here - I would hate to have the baby Feb the 6th/7th, or worse the 4th so they wouldn't see me (I didn't want to do that, but they've already organised the visit before telling me). No chance of that, said my mother, they're going to visit be it late Jan, the 3rd of Feb, the 8th... as soon as the baby is out. No, I told her, I don't want visitors and will tell her to sod off. "You don't know that." I think I do know my own mind. I would tell her as soon as I changed my mind, but I'm not having it changed for me. They're visiting around the 21st anyway for my birthday.

I was actually considering having Mum and MiL being OK for a visit 3 days post-birth (along with the grandfathers and uncle and aunts) but not now.

I know I'm being mean keeping a loving family away from my baby, but I just can't cope with them. My mother will just tell me what to do and try to do everything for me - I know, it's nice, but not the way she does it. Like she's doing me a big favour and she'll keep on and on about it and tell me what to do with my baby - and keep doing everything I don't want, like trying to introduce a bottle or picking up a sleeping baby (she's already told me she would do this, as well as use disposable nappies because I will find them easier... what does she know? She knows nothing about me because she never listens to anything she doesn't like).

Just so you know, I feel so useless, worthless and insignificant around this woman I can't even consider seeing her without at least attempting to look perfect - anything less than perfection has me a quivering wreck. I know I'm going to stay a few days with her at Christmas - I get up half an hour before everyone else just so they don't see me before I look nice. She'll still ask me if I'm going out looking like "that" - actually, I spent an hour making myself look like this, so I was rather planning to. I can't cope with her and a newborn. I know it sounds mean, but I just can't. I'll snap! And she'll hold it against me for years and constantly tell everyone how awful I am.

How can I stop her visiting? I have tried everything I can think of, even being rude ("Well, I don't want you visiting and you're not welcome.").

Thanks for any advice - I'll take it straight away! I don't have long left before we're hiding in the house with the curtains drawn and refusing to answer the door (I've already had nightmares about this). I know I may well change my mind when the baby is here, so don't tell me I will - I want her to just respect my decision, and then I will change my mind no problem. I just aren't ready to change it yet.

Ryn- i hear you loud and clear babe...
its sounds like this is stressing you out heaps and i really feel for you. Apart from my dad i dont want to tell anyone when i go into labour, i want to go... have my little bubba with my hubby and then come home... for reasons different to yours, but also kinda similiar, i am freaking at the thought of judging eyes and not being able to get into my groove in my/"our" own time and space.
Does DH know how strongly you feel about this? He must know and be your protector at this time. Can he be the bouncer at your front door and send people away unless you are ready? And at the hosptial if you tell them no visitors im sure they will do whats best for mum and bub.
Stick to your guns, like you said you know your self better than anyone and you know what will happen if your wishes arent met. I worry that i will not be heard and that it will lead to PND, hubby knows me and he knows i hate to feel crowded so this has been a constant topic of discussion, in fact the more we discuss it the safer i feel knowing he's there to stand in and stick up for me.
I hope you can work this out. Having a bub is your time and shouldnt stress you when you're just meeting them for the first time... I know i havent said much to help, just wanted to let you know i totally understand and am sending you big hugs.

Hi Ryn, I hope when the time comes your mum respects your wishes, but from what you have said, it doesn't seem likely.
When i had all 3 of my babies, if at any time i didn't want visitors, i told the nurses and they would tell people that baby and mum were sleeping and to come back later, maybe you could try that?

Hi Ryn,

It is not good that you are feeling so stressed over it all. I hope your mum can see that she is making you feel anxious and stressed and back off a little bit. She should just keep her plans to herself, you don't need to know now. As for looking perfect, if you can't have a few down days after giving birth, then when can you!!!!!!!

Try and focus on the fact that very soon you will have a beautiful baby, and that is all that is important right now - the 3 of you.

take care
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how awful they are intent on going against your wishes on this very precious moment in your life and making you miserable .The only way is not to tell them when you go into labour or when Liebling is born ... ie tell them 3 days after and only tell people you want to know

I hope you have a stressfree birth and a beautiful baby honeymoon with only the ones you want there to cherish you as you are.

Ryn (big hug) I hope your mum stays away. Sorry I don't have any advice - all I can say is that you are a very strong woman to tell your mum to pi$$ off in the context of what sounds like an attempt to control you on her part. You are sowing the seeds of being a protective mother and IMO doing the right thing.

You can ask the nurses to tell people that you're asleep while you're in the hospital. When you get home you can put up a sign saying 'shhhh Mum and baby are asleep - please come back later' on your front door and you can leave a pencil & post-it notes beside the sign so people can leave a message if they want.
MIL invited all DH's aunts and other assorted family members to my house after Yasin was born (without asking me first!!!). I gave them all about an hour then I just said that Yasin was due for a feed and I needed some privacy so I was just going to my room. Then I stayed in there until they left. MIL is pretty stalky and persistant so she was there until 3 am but whenever I wanted anything I just sent DH an SMS and he bought it in. When Imran was born she didn't bother trying it on again.
When they all get too much you can just run away. I still do it. Other excuses include OMG what's that smell? The baby needs a change. It's time for babies nap (even if he just woke up - I just say he was so overtired he couldn't get to sleep. I've been trying for an hour so now i need to pop him in his pram and go for a walk.). I need to go to the shop and buy nappies (and stop for a coffee & some groceries). I promised Yasin I would take him to the park. I'm sure you get the picture and you're a creative woman so you cab come up with your own excuses lol.

If they're going to visit regardless and not respect your wishes, it might be best at the hospital, as the others have said, the nurses are on your side, and can help you. Plus, they're restricted to visiting hours, so you know what time they'd arrive, and when they have to leave! If they visit at home, they can tend to loiter.

I personally longed for visiting hours, coz I was so bored! LOL. All the bub did was feed and sleep, and there were some very slow hours inbetween! I'm not much for sleeping through the day, so was hanging for something to do! LOL.

Please don't take this the wrong way.. I actually have little idea of the relationship with you and your family, but personally, I'd be devestated if my daughter didn't want me visiting her with her baby :( Perhaps you could arrange a specific time they could visit, and limit the time of the visit, and get it out the way, so it doesn't blow up into a massive situation, that you soooo won't want to be dealing with. That way you can prepare yourself for the visit, and feel good about it? Just my thoughts. Like I said, I dont' really know the background of your relationships.

I hope you can come to an arrangement with it so you can feel a bit more relaxed.

Hey Ryn - any chance on a compromise? Like the PP said, my family would be so hurt if they couldn't see our babies soon after they were born! But I also understand your feelings about having people see you during a time when you are feeling "less than your best". ;) Personally, I'd say have them come to the hospital, because you don't have to worry if your house is clean, or feel like you should have food and drinks to offer, or anything like that. You are in hospital, supposed to be looking like a patient (and so if you do your hair at all, you'll be looking better than most! :) ) and the nurses (and DH - where is he in this picture? Enlist his help and support!) will be able to politely, but firmly, ask visitors to keep their visits short, without making you look bad. (You can ask them before to ask visitors to leave after 20min, or whatever you feel comfortable with.)
I'm so sorry that you have this stress with your mum, but I'll bet it will be OK in the end. From the little I've read from your posts about her, she sounds very opinionated and intimidating, but it sounds like she does love you, so I'd say take the help she offers if you want to, and smile and nod at the advice and do what YOU think is best for your baby. She's not going to be there all the time, and if for one day, she holds your baby while he/she is sleeping, or puts a disposable diaper on, it won't really hurt, and it will make her happy. Some day, you might be in her shoes. (The bottle is another issue - I'd be putting my foot down there)
Sorry if that's not exactly what you were hoping to hear, but I hope it helps anyways. Blessed Christmas to you and DH, and enjoy your mat-leave!

Ryn - I was having the same problem with my family. I told them straight up when I was 5wks pregnant that I do not want them anywhere near me at the hospital and when I am ready for visitors I will let them know. My mother was so outraged about it - she intended staying at our place for a month, as was my sister. When I told my mother that I don't want anyone staying here, she said - I'm not anyone, I'm your mother, where else am I suppose to stay?

The phone calls that were going back and forth in my family was unbelievable and stressing me out. I ended up telling DH that I don't want him to tell them when I am in labour and I will even give them a later EDD - so it will all happen and I can tell them afterwards. At least I don't have to worry about this situation for now.

I hope you handle it well. It's your life, your choices - they've had their chance, now let you have a go at handling things the way you want. If you make mistakes, then you learn from them.

Good luck.

Ryn
It is so sad that you are stressing about this now you poor thing.
You know your mind, what you want and can anticipate your mother and have every right to have your needs respected. It is hard trying to balance this with not alienating your family.

I would definitely ask the MIDWIVES (not nurses.....usually nurses don't work in maternity care) ask the midwives nicely but firmly to advocate for you in keeping visitors away at your request. You may like to know it is also actually against the privacy act for hospital staff to give any information out to visitors in person or over the phone.

Good luck.

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I would definitely ask the MIDWIVES (not nurses.....usually nurses don't work in maternity care)

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Woops! Bit of a faux pas on my account! LOL.. sorry ;) Bit like mixing up NZ'ers and Aussies huh...

i tend to agree with caro.... and after reading this post i am suddenly feel really lucky with my family, and in laws, who i can't wait to have come to the hospital... i dont care if i look a wreck and haven't had a shower or whatever, i will have gone thru an amazing effort and everyone will know that, no one will be looking at me and wondering why i'm not glammed up.... (besides they have all already seen me at my worst in my pj's and sick during pregnancy, so ive really got nothing to hide, hehe)...

it seems you are putting enormous pressure on yourself to live up to some ideal of perfection in order to please other people.... it just seems like such a waste of energy... i know its easier said than done, but can't you just be yourself and to hell with the lot of them? i'd love to at least be looking human, and have my hair looking reasonably decent and clean, and my face with some make up on for my visitors, but it wont be the end of the world if i dont, i am who i am, flaws and all, and if anyone tries to judge me while i am in hospital post birth, god help them!!

anyways, if u are trying to ban them from visiting, and they are intent on coming, it seems you have lost the battle already, wont u be laying in bed worrying everytime the door to your room opens? .... why not allow visiting on your terms only, ie, choose an hour time slot, like 9am to 10am, and let the hospital staff know this, so they can come along and usher them out at 10am.... at least this way, you know what to expect, you can make sure you are showered and looking good for 9am, and come 10am you know they are leaving.... puts a bit more power back in your hands, and also pleases the masses, or at least its a compromise... you can put up with them for an hour and then relax...

i feel for you, worrying about stuff like this is the last thing you should be doing when u have such a huge time ahead of you... good luck and i hope u are able to work something out and try not to sweat the small stuff, the bigger picture is amazing xx

Ibid Caro.

Or you could invite your mum to visit and make sure you are looking your very, very worst, so bad in fact she freaks out and refuses to visit you whilst you're in that state?! If she is so intent on having a perfect daughter, well, perhaps she wont hang about one who seemingly doesn't care what she looks like for fear others will think she doesn't encourage her daughter to look semi decent?

Or come over to Australia...you'll love it over here and it's a good 19 or so hours away from the UK. Plenty of time to plan any escape once you've been notified of an impending visit :)

I tend to agree with Caro and Liz, Ryn. I am so sorry that you are stressed out about this, because you should be really enjoying this time. Your decisions and feelings should be respected. And I also had my baby blues around the 3rd day.

I just think I would be absolutely devastated if Rayanne had a baby and didn't want me there. I had no family at all when I gave birth to her and I really felt sad that only DH's family were involved.

I understand completely. I said close family only and the day after birth please. I had a friend of my husbands turn up and was completely ****ed off. Next time it will be visitors once we get home and for a short time only. I just didn't want company - everyone is different and you do what makes you feel comfortable. Some want the neighbours and all and sundry and some don't. Definitely let the hospital know and they'll run interference. Be prepared to change your mind as things do change once bubs is here. I handed mine around to family on the second day and hated it - and won't be doing it again! Stick to your guns..it's your choice and your decision!! Good luck

I understand why you do not want your mother/family to see you and the baby Ryn so soon after the birth, but perhaps also step back a moment and look at it from their point of view. They obviously love you (altho it may sometimes seem like they don't) and obviously cant wait to see the baby either - personally and I am sorry if I offend anyone I think it is quite mean to not let them visit regardless of the issue you have.

Other visitors like neighbours, friends etc sure dont let them come and visit but its your mother, your childs grandmother....all I am saying is that even tho it stresses you out and you obviously dont have the best relationship, perhaps just perhaps this may be a way to reach out to her and your own relationship with her may improve after she sees your gorgeous child and what a wonderful job you did bringing them into the world.:D

Good luck.

I hear where you are coming from, Ryn.

I'm not keen on people overwhelming me straight after the birth - and in particular, once we are home. I feel we need some time as a family to try to get the hang of the baby stuff as a threesome before people come and visit me at home. Since all our relatives live in other towns/cities/states, if they come they will probably expect to stay with us - which is the last thing I want. I figure that they could come and visit in hospital (and the staff are great at putting your visiting wishes into action) and then leave us alone for 2 weeks or so. Then they could come to our town, but would have to stay somewhere else other than our house - like the holiday house right next door. That way our space isn't invaded, and I can invite them over when I'm feeling up to it - and if it's only 10 minutes, they won't be fazed as they can just pop back next door. Also that means - no cooking meals for people, no fussy over how clean the house is etc etc.

Another thought - perhaps you could arrange to meet them out of the house, like a coffee shop? That way when you are ready to go, you can just leave. And its a public place, so surely they can't be mean to you there.

As for your appearance - well, I think if people judge you solely on whether your hair and makeup is done, perhaps they aren't worthy of knowing the real you underneath - and so their opinions about anything don't matter! I've already got unwelcome advice and questioning from people who seem to be offended if I don't have a ready answer or don't agree with their perspective, even if they are family.

Perhaps you could find a compromise along with your husband? After all, it's not just you involved in this......