Scream, cry, vent! #2

As posted by KeenAs:

Just thought I would add a topic here just for us to let it all out. Sometimes we just want to scream and kick and punch and tell the world that we just cant take it any more!

And I know that in the discussion thread it is at times difficult as we dont want to bring others down and want to try and keep the vibe in there as positive as possible.

So here I place this topic, for serious TTC venting (especially cant go in the Punching Bag, as only others who have been long term TTCers can truly empathise)

So guys - vent and feel relieved....

Thanks for starting us off again, Kelly. This vent thread is a lifesaver!!

Melbo - you are such a keen poster - you will hit 500 in no time - I am jealous but I wish I had more time to spend more time here especially anywhere on BB.
I hate all the damn paperwork I have to do for our business and that is all due at same time - so I've had my little whinge for now and Id better get back to it - my Dh just doesn't do any paperwork but if I let him he wouldn't do it right anyhow ! Ah - a rod for my back and a good whipping I need too to get me motivated today... Lucky he isn't here or else .... :mad: because I am complaining I don't have enough time - he says I spent too much time here or lurking in other places.
Is anyone else having a bad day ?... I can't tell you yet why mine was...

I feel like crap!!!

AF is due on thursday and i feel like crap! My endo and cyst is playing up and i am sick to death of coming around to this time of month with no positive result!!

Next month i am going for a lap to remove a dermoid cyst and to confirm if i have endometrios. I am terrified that they are going to tell me that my tubes are blocked and i will not fall pregnant naturally.

I never thought in my wildest dreams i would have so many problems falling pg!!

Racheal

Babyangelmum - what happened? Why did you have a bad day?

Zap - I'm sorry about the impending AF and all the associated symptoms. It makes you feel downright miserable doesn't it. As if the mere fact of the period was not insult enough, then it hurts into the bargain. I think the lap is a good idea and I hope it gives you some answers and a bit of peace of mind. I know I felt better after mine.

Take care everyone.

Melbo :flower:
a continuing chain of events that make me feel incredibly stupid and one was scary too - one of many that seem to be giving me more $#@& than I deserve - but I am okay really thanks Melbo - I like this vent site

Hi!
I'm Andrea and infertile.....I've been in denial so long(avoiding this board etc...)! They say admitting your problem is the first step.
I have a DS from my first marriage(his father is an ex con,crack head and was very abusive) he will be 19 next month.I had a m/c before him and one from an ex-bf when he was six.
My DH and I just celebrated our 10th anniversary(11 yrs together) and I'm at my wits end.Sometimes I think that he could be the problem,I really need to get an OTC sperm analysis to check.It could be me though...I don't want to start the blame game because I've been there and it sucks.
I need to get checked as well and I'm scared of what I might hear.I don't want someone to dash what little hope I have left.
My birthday is Saturday and I'll be 37!!! AF is due that day as well,gotta love that.
This month I'm sure I'm out because of all the stress.My dad had a heart attack on the 5th.Since then he's had three major operations(dye,balloon and open heart surgery)he was released yesterday after three weeks.To top it all off DS is giving me problems too,he's a work in progress.
So,I'm not sure if I Oed or not.I'll get back on track after the witch makes an appearance.
I'm sorry this is sooooo long I just really needed to vent.Please help me keep hope at bay because I feel it slowly diminishing!
Thank you for all of your support and this board,
Andrea

Hi Andrea,

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. Please be assured that you will always have a safe forum to express your angst in here. I hope you enjoy the company of these lovely ladies as much as I have.

Believe me, I've tried participating in the normal conception threads too but when people talk about finally becoming pg after four long months, I just can't bear it. Nothing personal towards them of course but the two experiences are not comparable.

I hope you can get some tests and some answers soon. It is always worth having those checks done because at least you know what the next step will be.

hi Andrea. I think that you will find a lot of support here from the girls. As you say, I hope that you can get some tests done and get some answers.

Hi Andrea, I sometimes think denial works (it will happen, it will happen!) but then it only help for so long. How long have you actually been trying? I think the testing has to be done, for both of you. It's not nice to be told something is wrong but it helps to know why. I have endo & I know that helps with me, I know people who just don't know why & it totally rips them apart.

My vent is seeing 5 pg ladies on my way to work today. I catch the bus to the city for work & only have to walk a max of 10 minutes. How can I run into that many people in that time!!!!!!!

I've found it's not the pg announcements that get to me, it's the big bellies.

Andrea - DH & I haven't started trying yet but I found out last month that I have severe endometriosis, my tubes are blocked and I will need IVF to get pregnant. It was a big shock but at least now I know so when DH & I do start trying we know up front and wouldn't be wondering why it wasn't working!

*Tam* - I can so relate about all the pregnant women! Since I had my lap last month and found out the results, it seems that every second woman I pass on the street is pregnant! Plus 5 ladies in my circle of friends/family are pregnant, one of them announced her preg the day I found out my results! But she didn't know about my situation at the time, so I can't be mad at her, still made me feel bad at the time though!

Well Girls,

I totally lost it last night. That add for a skin moisturizer, the one where there are pregnant women (with radiant skin), then some of them start pulling balloons and pillows out from their shirts, and there is only one real pg woman. Every time that add came on I felt like I was going to have a panic attack, I had to leave the room.

The add has never bothered me before, but for some reason last night I could not handle it.

And then I watched "Lost", and when that young girl started having contractions, I had to leave the room, couldn't watch it.

I really don't know why I dropped my bundle like that, but us LT TTC's, any thing is possible.


Ann (hope I'm not cracking up)

Ann,

I have moments like that too, so I don't think you're cracking up. That Johnson's baby ad always makes me look away, the one where the baby touches the mum's face. And I switch channels if I see any docos about birth, or even the 60 mins segment on late term terminations. DH knows this and will change channels for me without asking.

So unless I'm going crazy too....

love
sushee

Sometimes I really wonder if I'm being punished for something I have done in the past. Nothing seems to go our way in the last 15 months.

I believe in fate, that things happen for a reason, even if we can't see the reasoning in things at the time, but bloody hell, al the $hit that we have been through lately.

WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE WRONG TO ANYBODY?

I live my life by treating people how I would like to be treated.

No, I'm not in a down mood, that was yesterday, today I'm just thinking, why can't anything go our way, just for once.

For a start a baby would be nice, just a little one, nothing flash, just a healthy, happy bub. If that can't happen (I'm really doubting it), a job, nothing flash, just a job that I'm happy to go to each day and get paid.

I feel like I'm being pushed down a path, that I can't see where I'm going, and I don't like it.

It would be nice to know where and what I'm supposed to be doing in my life.

Ann

Ann I totally agree. I have been saying this myself now for 18months. I too believe in fate and wonder everyday what I have done so wrong that this is my punishment.

The thing is that I know that I am not perfect nor have I been perfect throughout my life, but sish, why can't I have the joy that so many others can have. There are so many unwanted pregnanices, and I would be happy with just 1, one of my own. More would be nice, but I would be grateful for 1

TamB,

What I don't understand about myself lately, is that I've never been jealous of pg women, but slowly I think I am.

Yes I haven't been perfect in my life either, but I've never hurt anyone, and I'm cafeful what I say, as not to offend people, and I always try to do the right thing, and lately where has it got me.

I was in the pg announcement forum before, and (I'm not really having a go at them) but women who have relaxed and not thought about TTC for a month get BFP's.

Yes, we have tried everything to get our precious BFP, and with any luck we will get it in June, as this is our last go at FET, and then I'll have to learn to let it all go, which I've tried before (it's very hard)

Ann

Ann again I agree. I too get jealous of pg women, but I never used to. With every BFN the jealousy gets worse

Totally agree with that one TamB, with every BFN the jealousy creeps up.

Also too at the beginning of trying, I spoke to a few people about it all, I guess in a way because it's new, but with every BFN I am sharing less & less (except you guys). I hardly tell anyone what I'm doing, where I am in my cycle, etc.

But when is enough, enough?

Ideally I would love to keep on trying until I get a BFP. But I'll be 38 at the end of the year. I know there are heaps of women older than I am TTC, but for me this year is it.

Not just the age factor, how much money do I keep throwing down the drain, I know money isn't everything, but hey you gotta have it.

But I think the most important thing is, emotionally I can't handle the BFN 's, its heartbreaking, so for us I'm hanging onto June, and its not easy for our long suffering DH's/DP's.

Luv Ann

Ann, DH & I were talking about this today.
We just want our life back!! I analogied it to being in a big grey area that we can't move out of/move forward until we get pg.

Hi girls,

Reading through all of these postings i feel better knowing i am not alone.

I actually am starting to avoid going to family functions because everyone is getting pg. And that lump that wells up in my throat everytime i am told of someone elses bfp is getting bigger.

I have endo and a dermoid cyst on my left ovary i only found out this month. I am going for a lap next month. I was so depressed that i didn't even bother charting this month... whats the point??

I am praying that my tubes are not blocked because there is no way we can afford ivf.

I am leaving my job at the end of june because my boss has given me so much grieve i just can't stand it any more. I am going to start my own cleaning company. Maybe that will take my mind off things.

Thank you girls for all being so honest in your postings. You all make me feel a little more normal on this crazy roller coaster of ttc.

Ladies,

I can understand completely what you're getting at.

Ann, I remember when I first started all this ... nobody could have been more confident of succeeding than I. I really thought it was only a matter of time. It was only when six months dragged into twelve months, then into two years then three that things got really tough. I would love to think that "just relaxing" would do it but I know it won't. There are reasons for not conceiving even though they may not always be obvious but the mind is not one of them. Don't believe it for a moment.

Zap, I hope your lap clears up some things for you and gives you a chance to conceive straight afterwards. The lap is legendary for that. I know what you mean about charting and stuff ... you really lose interest when you keep seeing no result.

Tam - yes it kind of feels like you're stuck in neutral yet the motor is running at top speed. Nerve wracking! I would love to think about buying a house but that is a long way off for DH and I. I'm thinking by Christmas I might have a better idea about whether to continue with this TTC or not. I hope I will have the strength to make the right decision.

Hang in there girls.

Hi!
Thank you so much for all of your advice.I really appreciate it and like Zap I feel like I belong here even more.I love all of the ladies in the general room but I feel left out everytime someone gets a BFP I slide into a deeper funk and want to disappear.Thank you for your honesty Melbo because I thought I was the only one.
I'm not sure exactly how long we've been trying because we've always said if it happens then we would be happy and have never used protection in our 11 yrs.The last couple of years I have started to worry.
TamB-I know we need to bite the bullet and get tested because I'm not getting any younger.At least now I know I'm not alone with my fears.
Tam-I'm sorry about your endo and I hope they can get it all so,you can achieve your BFP.I know about the big bellies I've never wanted to be fat sooo much and since it's spring they're everywhere.
Lynny-I'm sorry about your endo and blocked tubes.I hope they can get you fixed up so,you can have the baby you dream of.
Ann-I know what you mean everytime I see a birth story I cry I can't bear to watch them anymore.I've even caught myself crying over commercials and the smallest things.I also can relate about feeling your being punished.I was a single mother and had to work alot.I wasn't able to spend as much time with DS and I feel I'm responsible for the man he's become.I wish I could go back and fix him.I really love him,he's a work in progress and I'm willing to help him through this.I can't stop feeling guilty.
Zap-Good luck on your cleaning company.I'm sorry about your endo and cyst.I hope that they can get it all and restore you back to prime fertility.
Thank you all so much.I feel much better in knowing that I'm not alone and now my problems seem a little less significant after hearing all of your stories.
I now feel like I've found a room that I belong in and I'm kicking myself for waiting this long.
Andrea

Hi Andrea - like you we used no protection - just lived and b'd in denial but I had regular cycles for all those 12 yrs and last April I got my first BFP = biggest suprise and miracle ever.Sadly my precious daughter passed away in utero at 26 weeks - born when I was 27wks.They couldn't find any reason why !!! and this upsets me still everyday.
I hope you get answers soon and your BFP
Ann - I fell pregnant first time at 37 - now I will be 39 in July and I am not giving up yet. The other ladies older than me on BB inspire me. I know that at some stage I will have to deal with it -sooner if i don't get another BFP
I am thinking ahead and thinking about fostering ... but that maybe won't happen - still keeping my hopes up till 1st IVF app. in May (12th)
Also, speaking about TV - I have seen and I agree with those ad's - my pet whinge ATM is the NSW newsreader/weather woman G G - she keeps rubbing her big fat preg. belly all through weather and news - and smiling I feel jealous and so sad at same time - I wish it was me....

Big hugs to all you lovely ladies.

I just keep telling myself that if I want to get pg, then unlike normal women I have to try everything I possily can.....I'm often mega ****ed off about the IVF, and especially about getting pg last month but only to have my 12th surgery to end it!!!! I'm really trying my best, I've got tears in my eyes now.........(pulling myself together)...

BUT I feel better each time knowing that I AM doing something about it, taking some control and hoping/praying/wishing for a baby.

Also hoping that my determiniation doesn't ruin my marriage and my relationship with my daughter!!!

I avoid people who are pg, family friends anyone......I need to, just so that I can cope......

Sheree
don't know what to say because I haven't been down IVF path yet but thinking of you and hoping it gets better and that BFP is just around the bend.
With all that has gone on - tears and holding yourself together is all I would be managing ATM. GO gently -your loss is so new and still raw - it sux and surgery is so recent -still recovering emotionally and physically. Its hard for you and we are here when you need to vent or talk....

Hi!
I told the general board that I was moving in here.I thanked them for all their love,support and just let them know that I felt like I belonged here more.I got lots of support for that decision as well and I said that I would keep them posted on my progress.
Trish--My heart breaks for you*cries* *hugs* I only know half of how you feel to have your dreams answered and then taken away is more painful than I can imagine.I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers so that you will get a sticky bean.God gives these hard times to the strong ones because he knows they can handle it,makes me think of how weak I am.God bless you.
Today ,I celebrated my 37th birthday and I got carded yeah!!That made my day.We went to a friend's house and watched movies ,bbqued,drank beer and had a good time.
The witch had the courtesy to wait until after midnight so,it wasn't my birthday anymore*sighs* time for another round.
My DS is in jail again *sighs* I don't know what to do about him.How can I think about another if I can't even help him*cries*.
Tomorrow ,I'm going to visit my dad so I'm happy about that and probably going to take my mom to lunch for an early mother's day.
Let's join together to beat the odds set before us and rise out of the rubble with smiling faces and BFP's.
Andrea

Andrea - I am so sorry about your son - after they grow they do make own choices and yes you do still love and care about them - just hate what they do/did. Your next maybe baby will be different and I hope you get wish for BFP very soon - welcome aboard this rollercoaster....
:blowcandle: with this candle make a wish [-o< - eat the cake and lick the dish
:happybday: :hug: hope you enjoyed your birthday even if the witch showed up afterwards
loved the last words - I"d love to rise out of the rubble feels like buired in heap of $#*+ atm - so much to deal and then found out last night some %$#@&^* hacked into our bank account by internet banking Friday and took $1500- now have to wait till Tuesday to sort it out. Didn't sleep well last night and am in a really bad mood this morning - then my MIL is due to visit ](*,) (well she is okay but don't feel like it today IYKWIM) she goes she goes on and on and on ( a bit like me maybe . :-k .. :smt102 )

hi ladies,

andrea- sorry about your son. My brother is in jail and it breaks my parents hearts. They often wonder what they did wrong. the answer is nothing. as adults we make choices and sometimes people make the wrong ones... over and over again. All you can do is stay strong and give him love and support if you can.

Trish- That is terrible about your bank account what bank was it and how did you go geting your money back??

Spoke to lady from internrt fraud this morning and we should get our money back - how soon she didn't say - but maybe the bank won't ! she had to ring the other bank to chase it - waiting to talk to her tomorrow

Trish - that is dreadful about your bank account. Good to hear the bank are on to it quickly though. How worrying for you.

Zap and Andrea - sorry about your brother and son. I can't imagine how heartbreaking it is to see a loved one go to jail. As you say Zap, adults make their own choices and sometimes they make the wrong ones. Andrea, you are a kind person and your strong faith is an inspiration to me. I hope you do not blame yourself for what happened with your son.

Sheree - I'm bad with the pg women too. I try not to show it of course. But if I accidentally find myself sitting across from one on the train or something, I have to get up and move. Same thing with people holding babies. I don't bear them any animosity but I can't bear to look at them and see what I don't have.

At first I thought I was envious but I realised that I don't wish to deprive them of their happiness. I just want a little of what they have for myself. I used to feel like this before I met DH too. It's part of my personality. I feel "different" to other people ... slightly defective or "odd one out". I think the feelings go back years but whenever something bad happens to shake my confidence, I start thinking like that again. It's a bad habit. At least now I am conscious of it and can try to tell myself that it's just my thinking and my thinking is sometimes VERY wrong.

As you'd say Andrea, I'm a "work in progress" =)

Melbo it's been a very stressful day lady from internet fraud sent me a list of programs to run to detect any spyware/viruses etc - though I have update Norton - it detected 9 on 1 computer and 1 on other - in just one program - spent all day on computer at home trying to sort it out still at it. Sent to my Dad and his was up to date - he had 10 and mum had 5 on their computers

Melbo I love your new ticker it is lovely -

I think like you and Sheree - we are just grieving our infertility and losses - I think sometimes it is me as well - and I am defective. I felt like crying today everytime I heard about Mary's royal baby. I don't wish them any problems either but I feel so sad missing my own precious Charlotte and grieving my future maybe baby - that I may not get.

Worried with all stress now I didn't O - day 15 and no temp rise yet - normally day 14 - and means O day 13...

Your IVF is 2 days before me - thinking of you and wishing best of luck with everything

Sheree when will you find out more about next step?

Hi Andrea - how are you today - what time difference in US

It was very quiet the last 24/7

We see HFC today at 4pm - exciting..

Sheree,

can't wait to hear how it goes. So excited for you!

As for me, more waiting, waiting, waiting. FETs suck because you don't feel like you're doing anything, IYKWIM. Though I count my blessings to have the 3 snowbubs in the fridge, this waiting is just hell!

love
sushee

PS DH wrote a huge email to Julia Gillard last night while I was asleep about how he feels about the Medicare cuts. I was astounded he felt so strongly! He's such a dark horse sometimes!

Sheree and Sushee hope it goes well for both of you - we need a lift and a heap of BFP in here
where can I sign petitions heard Julia Gillard has one too ? is this right ?

The bank reversed our $1500 'donation' to crims yesterday -only took them 6 days but I am so glad - its part of our IVF baby money

Hi Ladies,

Just wanted to let everyone know that I am ****ed off severly!!!!

DH found out he got the promotion at work on Tuesday, last week, and guess what? Yesterday he had to leave for a month of training, 1,000 km's away. $hit, now I am stuck in a place that I hate, with no DH, he's the only reason I'm sticking around this hell hole, now he's buggered off for a month. :mad:

Ann

Oh Ann, I would be p%%%%d too......

WARNING - VERY ANGRY VENT

The faint of heart may wish to turn around at this juncture. Consider yourself warned.


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Okay here goes ...

I was very tired and went to bed but found myself lying awake again, unable to sleep. This is common for me now ... you would think I would be used to it but no. Insomnia seems to be a permanent part of my life now.

Maybe it's all this discussion about the funding cuts to IVF but I'm telling you what ... I'm over it. I'm tired of trying to explain to other people why this is so wrong. Would so many people be interested in this debate if if were not about reproduction? The answer is no and you know why? Because I think that deep down, people like Tony Abbott think that this stuff only happens to "selfish career women" who should just accept their childless lot in life, put up and shut up. If the truth be told, that is what they think. But I digress.

What I'm really here to talk about is how it feels to live every day, hating your body because it won't do something as simple as reproduce. How you hate going to the supermarket because the place is full of women with babies and even a whole aisle devoted to baby products that I sometimes just feel like running down armed with a broomstick, smashing everything off the shelves. How I have to go out into the world every day, day after day, pretending to be normal and pretending to care about something other than what day in my cycle it is and will I get pregnant this time? How I hate the fact that I have to spend thousands and thousands (on top of the thousands I have already spent on this fruitless quest) to try to have a baby, knowing that this might not even work? How I have to smile and congratulate people who tell me "Whoops, I'm pregnant again and we weren't even trying!". How my body, in exchange for all the years I've spent feeding it a nourishing diet and exercising, turned on me by giving me endometriosis. And the worst thing? The people who tell me I should "just adopt" because as we all know, that is so bloody easy isn't it? And cheap too! Not to mention an INSULT to all those adopted people and their lovely families out there who aren't "just" anything! Memo to all ignoramuses ... adoption is not a last resort fallback for the infertile so don't insult us by so blithely suggesting something you know NOTHING ABOUT!!!!

Let's see, can I sleep now? I don't think I'm quite finished ...

Oh yes ... why do I keep persisting in trying to have my own baby? Because I want to be pregnant. I want to give birth. I want the little Rose or William I've waited for all this time. I want to have someone call me "Mum". A little person of my own that I can love and nurture, read to and bring up to be a kind, caring responsible citizen because God knows, this world needs more of them. If that makes me a selfish infertile 37 year old career woman then I guess that's what I am!!!!!!