Feeling upset from negativity towards my choice to toddler bf and tandem feed

Hey guys

I need to get this off my chest, and I think DH thinks I'm over reacting so I thought I'd do it here!

Ok, so went to a wedding on the weekend. And it came up that I am still bf DD (who is 17 months, and I'm 30 ish weeks pregnant). Now this situation (still bf I mean) is something I am so comfortable with and it is just so very normal to us. But the attitudes of some people I spoke to really got to me and left me feeling really quite upset and hurt.
Questions from these people, followed by harsh looks (you know the kind where they make you feel about as big as a sultana!) left me feeling like absolute cr@p.
Questions like: "Well when are you going to wean her?"
"*DD's name* will drink all the milk and the poor little baby won't have any left and will be skinny"
"If she is still feeding by then she is just greedy"
"You need to have a break from bf, because you will fade away to nothing. It will take it all out of you" (This being said while glaring at me).
"You won't produce the colostrum"
"*DD's name* will be wanting to feed every time the little baby feeds."
Now I was able to respond right back to these mums, as I'm not quite as silly as they might think ;) and have done my research but I still felt like I was a joke.

I got so annoyed and all the stupid comments (from these other mothers) made me feel ashamed:rolleyes:..and I think because I am a fairly young mum, being looked down upon for the choices I and DH make, really hit a nerve.

I LOVE bf my DD (except for the nipple chewing:doh:), and maybe she will wean herself before our next bub comes, but maybe she won't and if this means that I am feeding two at the same time, WHY IS THAT SO WRONG??!!! (It's not I know!- so don't make me feel like it is please!!!!)..and if tandem feeding is too stressful for us and isn't working, then I will wean DD. I don't expect anything to be easy, or enjoyable at every stage and that's ok.That's the way life goes sometimes. But please just let me do what feels right to me as a mother!

hugs huni, your doing a amazing job. you arent over reacting thats hurtful.
don't ever disbelive in what your doing.
take care hun
rach xxx

:hug: :hug:

I know how you feel hun. I went through the same thing when I was pg with DS2. I had everyone including my mum and a GP at one stage, telling me I would have to stop bfing. It even got to DH who started suggesting I should wean too. As it turned out DS1 decided for himself when I was 4 1/2 months pg and self-weaned. And then when I sent an email to family and friends telling them how upset I was, I got responses such as "thank goodness he's stopped before the baby arrived. That's good news". WT??? Did they not read that I was upset??

All I can say to you, is that good on for you doing this and for researching and having responses. It is hard. But you know what - you can make a difference. Once these people see you doing it, it becomes just a little bit more normal to them. And when they see that you don't keel over from it and the baby and toddler both thrive, then they'll know it can be done and that you were right all along (of course ;) ).

Good on you hun. I really mean that. I was an older mum and I found it tough, I think is so impressive for a younger mum to have the confidence to stand up for yourself and not let them get to you. :hug:

You're not overreating - why do people think they have a right to question someone on these sorts of things. Sometimes it seems like people can't engage the brain before speaking! Good on you for answering back! :hug:

:confetti: What an awesome mum you are! Keep on going the way you are honey and don't let ignorance or the opinion of others stop you. MY DS weaned at 4 and a half months and I miss BF every day. You deserve a round of :clap: for putting up with such rubbish!

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"*DD's name* will drink all the milk and the poor little baby won't have any left and will be skinny"

"If she is still feeding by then she is just greedy"

"You need to have a break from bf, because you will fade away to nothing. It will take it all out of you" (This being said while glaring at me).
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Lol@will be skinny. Some people are silly. You should be proud of yourself. My husband would love for me to breastfeed the baby as long as I can. She is 4 months, 4 months of breastfeeding. He encourages it too. Ignore those people and good luck.

Congrats on 17 months of BF.. That is a great achievement and being 30 weeks preg,

I made it to 21 months with DS3 and I was 10 weeks pg but he weaned :(

I used to get stares and the odd comment.

I am Bf our youngest and I hope to make it to 2 yrs and I have already had a couple comments when people ask how long I am feeding for, Ii just say I;m to lay to get up and get her a drink ;)

Oh honey.... :hug:

You know all the right answers to those ridiculous comments!! ;)

It was very loosely said to me when I was breastfeeding #4, and #5 was diasgnosed with Cleft Lip and Palate, that it was becasue I breastfed through my pregnancy... :crying:

It was a devastating thing to say to a very emotional, upset mummy... I already had enough guilt.

I have b'fed through 3 pregnancies, but all have weened before being able to tandem feed unfortunatly.

If you do get to, lucky you!!!!! :dance:
Good luck babe!! :clap:

:hug: Jodie. What an awful, ignorant and insensitive thing for someone to say. And such a load of rubbish!

:hug::hug::hug::hug:
I agree with you fully do what you thinks right!!!! I wish I'd had the chance to tandem feed..... well maybe i still will! I think your wonderful still feeding while pregnant and it proves how strong you really are!!!!! Like every where you go someone will always have a negative coment, try and throw it back at them they'll get uncomfotable then!!!
Best of luck with your up coming birth and tandem feeding!!!!!
Snoopea

i believe if you make the milk and you're comfortable, go for it! your body will produce everything that your new bub needs, and DD may well wean herself when the new milk comes in anyway, because it will taste different. and if she doesn't so what? tandem feeding is normal, natural, and good for your DD, so stare down those interfering busybodies and do what you feel is right!

Just say you're keeping your options open!
You can always stop BF DD1 if you absolutely have to, but as you said - why would you stop when things are going OK?

And grrr to people who add extra stress to a special time...

Lee, congrats on doing a wonderful job Bfing! I'm glad you had answers ready for all those negative people. I don't know why people have the idea that they can comment on soemthing so personal.

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It was very loosely said to me when I was breastfeeding #4, and #5 was diasgnosed with Cleft Lip and Palate, that it was becasue I breastfed through my pregnancy... :crying:

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Oh Purplemamma, that is absolutely DISGUSTING!! I can not believe that someone would even "loosely" say that. I don't know how you held yourself back from smacking them out!!

Ugh, the ignorance of some people, honestly!! You're doing a fantastic job BFing, don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

Lee, it's hard when people don't see bf an older bub (toddler) as normal I know. It seems that a lot of society see that if you bf past 6 months there is something wrong with it. I never saw myself going past 12 months but Oskar had other ideas and is still going at 18 1/2 months - however, I still see him as a baby in so many ways as well if that makes sense. I had an app at the hossy last week and the midwife (who was overall nice etc) made the comment to me that it will drain me to keep bf and being pg. TBH I don't think I'm any more tired now than I was when pg with Oskar. Good on you for commenting back!! You do what you find is best for you babies and don't you mind what others think!!!! :hug:

Jodi... what an inconsiderate comment to have made to you, what a load of hogwash!

Oh man, people SUCK. :hug: Lee - you're doing brilliantly and you'll keep doing brilliantly by both your kids.
I've heard so many fascinating things about tandem feeding - our bodies are so amazing. I heard one lady made two different types of milk at the same time - one breast made newborn milk and one made toddler milk (she knew because she asked her toddler, LOL!). Your body will do you proud, Lee, so hang in there and ignore people who are threatened by your Mummy-Goddess-type qualities :)
And hugs to those other girls who have suffered because of the insensitive, uneducated comments of family members, friends and complete strangers alike - you are all awesome and should be proud of yourselves.

Lee- i am struggling with the same battle atm. DD is 12 months and i am 18 weeks preg. I am sick of the looks and comments about me 'still' BF'ing.

The comments like

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You need to have a break from bf, because you will fade away to nothing. It will take it all out of you" (This being said while glaring at me).

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drive me crazy. It seems everyone thinks they know my body and babies better than i do. They say these comments like they are concened for my health, but they are not concerned, they are just being judgemental. If they were concerned then they would be supportive not critical.

Up theirs i say. I avoid talking about it now, or change the subject. I don't want to hear their negative crap. Like you, i'll take it as it comes, and i am sure i will make the right decision for all of us. Good luck to you. ;)

Oh sweety :hug: Some people are so RUDE and IGNORANT...... what is it about breastfeeding that makes people think they have all the answers and can question someones choices about it.... Good on you for having a reply hun and just remember you are right and they are uneducated and ill-informed and wrong which is pretty sad really... :hug: Hang in there and good luck hun.
I already get weird looks when I say that I want to breastfeed this little man longer than I did Izzy which was 11 mths :rolleyes:

:p: to them!

Good on you for having some comments on hand to stand up for yourself. Since when did your body and your parenting become their issue? Perhaps you should be giving them advice on weight loss, toilet habits and sex?

Thanks so so much guys xx Your posts were great. I am really trying not to doubt myself.

Jodie- I cannot believe people said that to you.. I'm really in shock! I have never ever heard such a load of rubbish in my life. You poor thing for having to hear that.

There is so much misconception about b/feeding, I hate it!! :wall:

I have a cousin who never b/f any of her kids, and doesn't understand why I did. When we gave the news of Kane's clefting, she said that she "knew you weren't supposed to b'f while pregnant, its not good for the baby. It just causes problems"

She wasn't being nasty, she just has no information on b/f at all.

But that didn't stop me being devasted....

BUT you know better!!! If you do get to tandem feed, :pray:, just smile smugly to yourself, cause you KNOW its right!!! :clap:

man this really annoys me, everyones comments and opinions on pregnancy and related issues annoy me, why once your pregnant/a mother does that give people a right to tell you how to do it! you dont walk up to fat people and start giving them advice about dieting! grrrrr

i wasn't going to comment because i dont want to uninterntionally offend you so please take my congrats on bf'ing for so long first!

My own thoughts (and no one elses so you dont have to agree and i dont want to offend) is that i dont like older children breast feeding DEPENDING! on the situation, and i emphases DEPENDING, the only reason i say i dont like it is because the only person who i know who has done it, well her son put me off. he would walk up to her lift her top and try to undo her bra to feed himself. it was really offputting for myself. BUT saying that it was just the way HE did it not the fact that she was breastfeeding that put me off.

Even with that opinion i am AMAZED and in AWE of women who continue to breastfeed succesfully and really do take my hat off to you. even with my friend i didn't agree i would never say anything to her whatsoever. it is YOUR choice and there are SOOOOO many articles on the wonders it does for the children and mothers that i cannot be bad!

as for the lady who mentioned about someone saying it "caused" the cleft palate that is just RIDICULOUS. From my understanding cleft lip/palate is just something that can happen and there is no known cause! grrrr

so yes i hope i haven't offended anyone but i gues the point im trying to make is just because someone has a differance of opinion about the way to do somethings doesn't give them a right to belittle you or make you feel small. you are the ONLY person who knows what is right or wrong for your own body and you will deal with whatever you have to when you have to

No offence taken Smoz. It can be easy sometimes to be put off something when you see other people doing things a certain way. I understand that.

It really does amaze me how different people's perceptions can be regarding when a 'baby' is no longer a 'baby' anymore, and then to many people, breastfeeding is no longer appropriate. I think was it in yor post Cass?- where you said that to you, your DS is still a 'baby' in your eyes? I completely feel the same about DD. And I think that's why I feel so frustrated when I hear people questioning or judging me (or other mums) as to why I'm still bf or maybe tandem feeding. Ok, so DD isn't truly a baby baby IYKWIM, but when she snuggles up on my lap with her little blanket over her, to me and DH she is still so little. Gosh she's only been on this planet for 17 months! So why do some people seem to think that at that age, it is as if she is all grown up and too old to get mummy's special cuddles...You wouldn't deny your teenage daughter a hug when she has had a bad day at school, just because she is a teenager..the same why that I shouldn't be made to feel guilty for nurturing my toddler.

Anyway, probably time for me to just 'get over it'! As my DH tells me!

Thanks guys

Boy, some people have nothing better to do then stick their nose where it doesn't belong. You are doing an amazing job. I got "comments" about co-sleeping, you would think we were going to put DS under a truck with the kind of comments we got. Don't worry they don't have ANY idea. Just enjoy your babies, they grow up too fast. If I get pregnant :pray: I'm not going to rush DS off breastfeeding. I think MIL would have a heart attack if I was pregnant and breastfeeding :rolleyes:, if I was tandem feeding god knows what would happen to her :rofl:. I have gotten in trouble off her for not letting DS cry since the day he was born. She makes a comment EVERYTIME I see her and I let in go in one ear and out the other, Because I know she doesn't know what she is talking about. Congratulations on feeding this far and best of luck tandem feeding!!!!

Oh big hugs to you Lee! Lots of good advice already, but i just wanted to add that it doesn't get much easier once you are actually tandem feeding. I've lots of comments like that and always the strange looks. People are so positive when i mention i'm breastfeeding, then when i add that its both, you should see their faces change, mostly looks of confusion, but i've also seen disappointment and fear. People just don't get it.... instead of being embarrassed about it i just try to educate them about it.

The best advice i can give you is to meet with a private lactation consultant now or soon, get some tips on tandem feeding and ideas on how you plan to tackle potential challenges. I've found it very challenging and draining and without the support of my lactation consultant (who kindly lets me email and ring her whenever) i am proudly still tandem feeding, its hard but its getting easier. Its just been so good to know that she was a phone call away when i've had issues - and i've had so many of them (no/low weight gains, health issues, mastitis etc). Plus its just good for reassurance and she had some pretty funny comebacks for the negative comments too.

I just think it really sucks that people seem to withdraw support for breastfeeding the older a baby/toddler/child gets. THe only way to change this is to get out their and make it visible so that full term feeding becomes more common.

Good luck mate, and if you ever need any advice feel free to pm me :)

Oh lee im so glad i didn't offend you i just wanted to give an opinion from a different perspective. like i said i really do take my hat off to you ladies! and i am so envious that i didn't get to feed for longer last time, but hopefully this one will be different.

I have no problem with age, my only issue is discretion. now please dont get me wrong here ladies, a woman should NEVER have to hide when she is breastfeeding and as far as im concerned you should be able to feed and at dining table in a restaurant (got asked to leave once when ds was 2months old) i dont mind toddler feeding its just when they are rude toddlers that just grab at it anywhere anytime. but that is to do with disciplining the child NOT to do with the feeding.

I have a questions because i hope to make it to 6months definately this time and if im lucky a year. But i've always wondered about the teeth issue??? it must hurt ALOT when they are teething? or am i just being niave. this wouldn't stop me its just something i've thought about when they are cutting there teeth my ds chewed HARD on anything he could find, and i cringe to think if it had been my nipple! so how do you ladies deal with this or do the kids just "know" not to? i know might sound stupid and sorry forhijacking but there are just alot succesful bfders reading this....

btw Lee, stuff DH he doesn't know what its like and doesn't understand how special it is and how much of a struggle it is constantly second guessing your ever action let alone having ignorant people judge you! grrr to men.

As a lady who found breast feeding to hard after trying sooooo hard, i say go girl feed feed feed, just wish i had your problem. stuff 'em you are doing what women all over the world wish they could do.

I am glad to see that I am not the only one. I have found it is interesting to just look confused and ask why, why should I stop, most people don't really know what they are talking about and this becomes clear to everyone including themselves as they grasp at reasons that you need to stop. Give them enough rope, open up the conversation and they will eventually just mubble and wander away!

I really admire you extended and tandem breastfeeders.:clap: Society has taught many of us that b/f is wrong, let alone extended breastfeeding. You are paving the way for us all and hopefully because of your hard work our daughters will not have to face this negativity. Our mothers had to be pioneers and earn our right to birth the way we want to, you are pioneers - earning us the right to nurse the way we want to.

I really want to make it as far as you girls. We've only been nursing for 14 weeks so far, but it's not enough! I want MORE MORE MORE! (and so does my nursling haha).

Hi Lee
Just tell the nosey buggers to bugger off as there comments are warranted and they don't know what they are talking about.
My mum tried to tell my sister to put her DD on the bottle cause she was too little and the reason for it was because of BFing, well anyway she successfully BF her DD for 16 months and she if just a petite framed little girl, anyway my point is that ppl think they know it all cause they have raised all there kids and that warrants giving every other mother there advice...just take it with a pinch of salt hun cause you know you are doing what is right!

GL

I have been on the receiving end of criticism from both teams! With my first one, after a very traumatic birth, which I am only now really beginning to understand, he refused to latch, not just refused but we had very very definate breast refusal which devastated me as I had always assumed that bf is just what you do. So after 6 weeks of expressing and lactation consultants, and being so down from feeling rejected I gave up. I remember constantly getting comments like, oh, your not bf, and little insinuations that I had given up too easily, that I was a bad mother, the but don't you know how good it is for the baby....etc. etc. So I was damned for not. Someone (and old man actually) shook his head at me and said loudly in a cafe young people are so lazy these days, not even feeding their own children. Where were the bottle feeding advocates then, or do they not support but only criticise. Now that my no. 2 DD has taken so well that at 19 months he is still going strong the bottle feeding advocates are crawling all over me. ... don't you know how easy a bottle is..... there is nothing wrong with bottles you know......are you still going to be feeding him when he's 21...... fortunately fellow bfeeders do come out and support me, but I still object to the suggestion that people bottle feed out of laziness, and feel really sad when people are made to feel that their milk is inadequate and end up switching due to misinformation. And having done both, bottles with DD1 and Bf with DD2 I feel I can take them on, yes I do know how easy bottles are, and bf is so much easier! Having said that I wish more women would just be supportive of whatever a fellow woman chooses to do, I love these forums because people are supportive, I must live in a very negative area where my neighbours have nothing better to do than find reasons to critisize. I am now pregant again, and still intend to Bf as long as DD2 wants, and may even tanden feed, part of me wants to do it just to cause a stir, once people have seen it done and get used to me doing it it might not be so foreign to them! Thank you to the person who said we are pioneers, and somewhere there was a mention of milk making superpowers, all very boosting and invigorating thoughts!!

Oh, does anyone who has bf while pregnant found that your nipples get really really sore?

Lee - I was thinking about this some more. Feel free to ignore the following completely, and I hope it doesn't upset you.

You might want to make sure DD1 is as ready to wean as she can be, although you don't intend to do it. By that I mean things like: making sure you have found some sort of other milk that she likes, making sure she has the hang of cups and so on and can give herself a drink when you are busy with bub2, and starting now to get the idea into her head that sometimes she has to wait for a breastfeed, or maybe have something else instead.

If you do have to really wean, and she associates all these changes with the new arrival, that could be more traumatic for everyone.

hugs
Kate

Oh, man, I would LOVE if DS is still feeding when I'm pg again!!! I will actually be a bit upset if he self-weans beforehand or during - how odd is that going to sound to people who don't understand tandem feeding??
DS asks for his Babu and while he's feeding he'll point at the other and say (in spanish) 'the other one'?. Sometimes I wish he COULD just help himself - he has tried my bra catch, but can't quite get it himself ;)

i love bfing while i'm pg. i do get funny looks but i'm starting to get more assertive about other misinformed people's judgements and try to just look straight back at them.

yes kate, my nipples have been a little bit more sore but nothing too serious

Rainforest - but she's only a year old, how rude!!

I get the your not going to feed them both are you? from people, or they ask do you plan to tandem feed? then nod blankly when I say thats the plan. So I can totally sypathise. People can be quite narrow minded and lacking in tact sometimes. I am pretty good at ignoring it now though.

As for toddlers grabbing for it out in public, Noah is pretty good for the most part but when he wants it bad enough he grabs at it, it is his only form of letting me know as he doesn't vocalise it yet. It's can't always be helped. I do then assume feeding position with him across my lap but am not so sure that will work for so mouch longer due to the expanding belly and when bub is here and he wants a feed at the same time... I can see the challenge now...

Jodie, what an awful and tactless thing to be told. Some people don't have even an ounce of sensitivity in them. Maybe they loathe themselves so much they have to make others feel just as crap.

Teeth!!! Noahs teeth graze my nipples sometimes but it only makes them mildly sore. I have been very extremely lucky and have never had a problem with feeding or nipple problems, I only hope to continue being so lucky.

Lee - I think you're doing a fabulous job and no, it is not time for you to "get over it". You have nothing to get over! You're doing the best you know how for your gorgeous girl and your new baby. The unfortunate thing is that whatever it is, there will always be people out there that think that their way of thinking is correct and that they have the right to tell you so. Saying ignore them is useless but hey, ignore them ;) If you and your DH, and importantly your DD, are happy with the situation then that is all the important people covered. As a mother who has not been able to breastfeed her babies for longer than a few months, I am so incredibly envious that you are still breastfeeding your DD. Knowing that I will never again hold my baby to my breast is pretty heartbreaking at times so I have nothing but admiration and respect for you that you are continuing for as long as it suits your family.

Kate: I agree with you that you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. I've had a few negative looks in my short breastfeeding life and also some pretty horrid comments while bottle feeding. And whoever said to you how easy bottles were has obviously never had to deal with full time bottle feeding. Why society as a whole doesn't embrace breastfeeding for as long as a child wants it for all its advantages - physical, financial, emotional and time management - is beyond me.

Well, really - don't you know that when you have the second child you have to neglect the first child? :p
I do feel angry for you though, firstly for the stupid people who said what they said and secondly for noone else coming to your aid under such a barrage. Is there a scientific study that looks at the size of people's mouth in relation to the the size of their ignorance? :rolleyes:

Oh yeah.. been there done that LOL. Just hang in there and smile proudly with both your babes in your arms, BOTH nourished by your beautiful milk! The proof is truly in the pudding. They will all quietly eat their own words when they see what a success your tandem feeding will be.

pfft to them all!

IGNORE the stupid midwives at the hospital.. IGNORE the stupid GPs.. IGNORE well meaning relatives.. ignore ignore ignore! LMAO.

Oh, and like someone else said, I always looked shocked that they would even suggest such a thing. When they ask if I was still feeding I answered "yeah" as if to say "what else would I be doing?". LOL. Weaning? what's that??

We tandem fed for 6 months. Everything was fine, everything went smoothly, the kids have bonded beautifully, and I showed all those ignoramus's a thing or two ;)

You're in great company here, if not IRL... you're doing a fantastic job, and it's no one elses business how/when you feed.