Mums of Wannabe Mums

I have no doubt that this has been a previous thread somewhere, but I thought I might start a fresh one.

By far one of the most difficult things to deal with during our journey to become parents has been my mother. I have noticed that I'm not the only one out there that has found themselves :wall: when it comes to sharing the TTC journeys with their Mums, who cannot but help to offer those little gems of advice, information, expectations and 'support.'

I'm going to write down some of the choice things my Mum has told me, and I'd be happy for anyone else to join me:

My Mum thought that we would get pregnant on our first IVF cycle. When I told her that everything was unknown and that her expectations were putting a lot of pressure on me, she said that I would get pregnant if I would "just relax and think positively."

My Mum booked a 6-month overseas holiday with a return date in October 09, because she wanted to be back in Australia in time for 'The Baby' to be born. 'The Baby' would be that one that I was meant to have been pregnant with after our first IVF cycle back in January 09. And yet here I am, in July, and still no baby.

My Mum wrote me a text message the other day, from her hotel in London, asking if I had heard the latest about male fertility and push bike riding (DH is a cyclist). I wrote back and told her that she shouldn't ask questions about her son-in-law's testicles.

My Mum bought DH and I a highchair for Christmas in 2008, one month before our IVF treatment. I'm not joking. She also gave us a second-hand baby sling which she dug out of the cupboard for 'The Baby.' She then went around and told my siblings that the IVF drugs must have been taking effect because I was so grumpy with her.

My Mum says that the FS should have predicted that I would suffer with OHSS, because she knew that I would...not sure at which point my Mum became psychic and better qualified than FS. AND If she knew I was going to suffer with OHSS, why did she wait to tell me until after I was suffering with it?

My Mum asked me, during our stim cycle, if it was possible for me to ask FS to 'choose a female embryo' because she already has two grandsons, thank you very much. I told her it was illegal to choose the gender unless it was for genetic reasons. She then tried to think of some genetic reasons for me to have a girl.

My Mum says that cosleeping, breastfeeding, clothbummed babies are best...and what she means is that I must cosleep, breastfeed and clothbum 'The Baby' which as yet, does not exist.


Anyone else? Maybe it's other family members or friends who freak you out with outrageous behaviours and comments?

Oh hun, what a great thread! I had such a laugh when I read your post. My mum is not much different to yours, she often diagnoses me with things she just makes up and later blames them on why we're not getting pg. Don't you just love 'em?? Mothers...:rofl:
I think sometimes they a) want the best for us but it just comes across pushy and over the top and b) they want to live their lives through us :wall:.

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My Mum wrote me a text message the other day, from her hotel in London, asking if I had heard the latest about male fertility and push bike riding (DH is a cyclist). I wrote back and told her that she shouldn't ask questions about her son-in-law's testicles.

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HAD to chuckle at your response hehe.

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My Mum asked me, during our stim cycle, if it was possible for me to ask FS to 'choose a female embryo' because she already has two grandsons, thank you very much. I told her it was illegal to choose the gender unless it was for genetic reasons. She then tried to think of some genetic reasons for me to have a girl.

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Oh dear...

Im not going through IVF or anything but have been TTC for over 12 months; no matter who says it i HATE when people say "just relax, it will happen when you relax" :wall:

My mum doesnt really know we are TTC but i got...

"You and DP need to have a baby, maybe then you will stop buying pets..."

i love my mum to bits but i was so shocked, i think she was only joking at how many pets we have, but if only she knew what she ACTUALLY said to me ...

Well..

MY Mum.. told me she told my step sister about "our" situation - she is in her late 30's and her hubby is heading into the 40's and they TTC for 12 months and the only reason they conceived is because my step sister used to lie on her back and pedal in the air after DTD. Never the less, I was told that is what I SHOULD do - it works. So the topic of converstation always led to my mother discussing mine and hubbys sexual habits.

MY Mum .. came around yesterday and proceeded to bend over and talk into my stomach to the non-existant baby. Then tell us its a boy?? wtf??

MY Mum told us we should get a sperm donor.

My Mum told us to get someone elses eggs if mine dont work properly

My Mum told me we should adopt instead.

My Mum told me if we adopt, can I get a little asian baby with spiky hair or one with dark skin *they are so cute*

My Mum is clearly insane.

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MY Mum .. came around yesterday and proceeded to bend over and talk into my stomach to the non-existant baby. Then tell us its a boy?? wtf??

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My Mum did the same...and I wasn't even in a cycle, so there was nothing in there, not even an embryo. She patted my stomach. :wtf:

And My Mum has also asked whether we should get a sperm donor. In front of DH. Nice.

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My Mum told me if we adopt, can I get a little asian baby with spiky hair or one with dark skin *they are so cute*

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OMG, seriously, she's insane. But had me :ROFL:

:ROFL: I am SO GLAD that it isn't just me.

Ooh, I keep thinking of more and more.

When I had my chemical pregnancy, I completely fell to pieces. I had to have counselling for early miscarriage, because I really hit rock-bottom. I told Mum that we would be taking a month off IVF because I needed the break. She was 'disappointed' because she thought it would be a better idea to 'build on the momentum' and go straight into another cycle. Not sure what momentum she was referring to - the momentum where I keep going until I fall into a crevass?

She also rang me one day to tell me that one of her workmates was pregnant with twins. She said she got very upset because DH and I had been trying for so long and it was...wait for it...her turn. Not my turn. Her turn.

I think My Mum needs to come with a translator - everything she says to me can be translated loosely into: "Please hurry up and get pregnant, I want to live through you and have another grandchild. At any cost. Regardless of what you think/feel."

Thanks for this girls....I thought that I was being selfish because I have stopped telling my Mum half of what we are going through because I couldn't stand how she reacted. I'm so pleased that it's not just me!

My Mum tells my husband every time she sees him that he needs to were looser underpants!

Oh Persephone, that made me giggle so much..... my mum is exactly the same.

My mum was upset when my little cousin fell pregnant because my aunt (who she doesn't get on with) got to be a granny first.

My mum, who fell pregnant with me at 15 told me (when referring to getting pregnant) that "it's easy, I mean, it worked for me" - I said "mother, everyone would fall pregnant at 15, we are most fertile then, we just aren't all that stupid". (as you can imagine, that didn't go down too well).

My mum, when hearing about our first IVF cycle said "well, you know you just need to relax, oh and also you need to put on some weight" (years ago I was very overweight and was always told that I was too fat and needed to lose weight).

I've told my mum that she isn't allowed to ask me anything about the IVF and that I will tell her if there is anything she needs to know. When I was chatting to her on skype the other day (I'm Scottish and live in Aus), she says to me "what's wrong with your skin? Are you having a bad reaction to the hormones?" - her way of trying to ask me stuff about the IVF.

*sigh*

DH's mother text him the other day and told him that we need to stop stressing, not bother with IVF and just drink lots of that "lovely Aussie wine". Because, yeah, THAT is how we get pregnant people, didn't you all know that?????????

Dear. God.

This has been a great thread guys, thanks for letting me get my two bobs worth!!
Hugs to all.
Sue xxx

Thanks for sharing everyone, if we didn't laugh at their nonsense (and odd ways of expressing love and support) we would probably be curled up in a ball rocking or bashing heads on walls.

My mum has been slightly distant about the whole thing but supportive at the same time.
However she did once say catching up after our m/c.

Mum: So how are you doing Dusty?
Dusty: Well I seem to be coping but get sad and sometimes....
Mum: [interupting] No, I mean how are you doing 'physically'.
Dusty: (WTF!).....

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My Mum tells my husband every time she sees him that he needs to were looser underpants!

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:rofl:

wtf is wrong with mothers?????????????
I was TTC for a yr and every time i spoke to mum she would say 'so are you pregnant yet or what?' and then sigh when I said no.

After I had a m/c she told me 'Oh great, now I'm going to have to go back to asking you if you're pregnant all the time! WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

About a wk after I found out the baby had died and before I'd even actually had the m/c my mum is having a conversation with my Nan in front of DH and I about how she fell pregnant first time every time. Thanks!!

This thread is fantastic. My mum is over visiting and I was talking in my thread about her and someone Ammaki pointed me here. It's nice to know I'm not the only one getting frustrated with their mother. Mine doens't know we are TTC, but since she takes everything in my life personally (is still upset with ex's that broke up with me, and only just stopped asking me why I broke up with one of them because 'he was so perfect for me'...as in perfect for her not for me, I was suppose to forget about the fact that he cheated on me.
The SIL comes out with some real good ones too.

My Mum said that "I knitted both of your baby afghans in neutral colours. because it is taking you and DH so long to give me grand babies I needed to get them knitted before I die, so they know how much I loved them". I can't even get pregnant with one and she's already planning for two!

SIL said that "you two are selfish for not having had kids yet, and that you better stop thinking about yourselves and start thinking about the family and have kids. After all how hard can it be, I fell pregnant accidentily, three times, you'd think you two would at least be able to have one" :wall:

My mum doesn't know we're ttc but I was going to tell her in the next few days. After reading your thread I might leave it awhile longer! And MIL would be EXACTLY like all your Mums so she will NEVER find out!

Great thread!:rofl:

It is funny reading these stories. I am glad you can all manage to step back and laugh, otherwise I'm sure the comments would drive you mad.

I have to say I am very lucky though...my mum is a great support, very close and understanding. I am so glad I have her. She sometimes might say the wrong thing, but she always tries very hard to get it right, and usually does. I just feel sad she still doesnt have a grandchild, I know she feels it (I am an only child).

:rofl: Oh ladies some of these posts had me in stitchers!!! This is an awesome post, haven't seen one quite this amusing in a long time. I think we all think sometimes it is just us or just our family that are completely bonkers, but no, this goes to show all mothers have lost the plot!!!

Although I must say too that some of them were a bit nasty, but I'm sure they don't meant them to seem that way. My inlaws have foot in mouth disease that sometimes makes me want to remove the foot in the their mouth and use it to hit them over the head with!!!! hahahaha

I dont really have any instances off hand, but MIL does talk about when 'this baby' is due and how pg I will be when we go on holiday..... She started asking about this BEFORE we had started TTC... I think that may have been a little hint.
On and on my wedding day DH's grandmother comes up to me and says 'Now it's time to give us twin boys'..... WTF.... Nothing like a bit of pressure to add to your Wedding day!!! hahaha

Thank you once again ladies, awesome post!!!

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SIL said that "you two are selfish for not having had kids yet, and that you better stop thinking about yourselves and start thinking about the family and have kids. After all how hard can it be, I fell pregnant accidentily, three times, you'd think you two would at least be able to have one" :wall:

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Taleutia, that is terrible, I'm sorry you had to hear that. It would be so tempting to tell her where to stick it, but I think a lot of us bite our tongue because we don't want to tell them we're TTC.

I've had a few choice phrases from workmates as well. Last April three of my colleagues announced their pregnancies within 3 weeks of each other, and two people turned to me, in front of everyone, and made comments about "it'll be you next" and "you just need to sit in this chair and you'll be pregnant." Little did they know that I went home and cried that evening. Unfortunately the only way to get them to shut-up is to tell them that we're TTC and going through IVF, which usually silences them.

Sue, I have also tried banning my Mum from asking about IVF, so she says "so, how are you doing this month?" as if she's just interested in how I am generally. :rolleyes:

Thanks for the posts ladies. It has been so reassuring that I'm not the only one with a mother and MIL that can be so insensitive to what we are going through.

Before I got pg with my daughter, My mother would talk endlessly about how she got pg so easily (she had 9 kids!!), and how fertile my sister was (who was pg at the time), and would go out of her way to make me feel like there was something wrong with me (like we didn't already know)! This all hurt, but I learnt to just walk away and ignore her.

When we did get pg, and told her (I left it until I was 18wks), she said that I would m/c she hoped the baby died!! Unfortunately I was not able to hide my reaction to this and fell apart. I did not speak to my mother for the remainder of my pregnancy. Our beautiful daughter was born in Nov 2005. It has taken a long time to rebuild my relationship with my mother, and I keep a distance from her emotionally. I have forgiven her, but cannot forget. She loves my daughter and they get on really well.

Now we are TTc #2 and I simply choose not to tell our family anything. If anything, I try to act as if we don't want another child..... it seems easier that way.

Thanks again for the posts :lol:
Jellybean18

Loving these posts!!

Before we fell pregnant with DD1 my GMIL made a point to my two SIL's and myelf that we would have the privilage of giving her the first great granschildren. Didn't even remember this comment until all three of us announced our pregnancies within a few weeks of each other lol.

When we told my MIL she said "not another one":wall: And sure enough DD1 never recieved her new baby gift (her cousins got money to buy a bassinette).

When we fell pregnant with DD2 the reaction of all IL's was along the lines of "yes well we thought you would be the first to have more as you always wanted children" not exactly sure what that was supposed to mean.

Don't mean to gloat or anything but my mum is mega supportive, she has 6 children and as long as we are in a stable relationship welcomes our decisions to have children (or not) and was there for the birth of DD1.

My Nan however saw me the other day and asked when I was having more ( DD2 is 10 weeks old!!) when I told her two was enough she said "no you have to try for a boy". When my mum told her she had had my brother her response was "you've got your pigeon pair now, you can stop". Nan has 6 kids and doesn't want anyone to 'outkid' her.

Omg, reading through this I can't believe how many of your experiences mirror my own! And how many others belong in the category of "things I can't believe anyone would ever say"!

My mum drives me nuts. When we said we were starting IVF, she said it was too clinical, it was unnatural and against god's will, and that we should go back to TTC on our own (she even disapproved of the IUI's we'd already done). After that I stopped telling her what we're doing TTC-wise, so instead I now have to deal with her being upset and trying to send me on a major guilt trip whenever she finds out we did another cycle without telling her.

And then when AF rolls around after each BFN, if she finds out, she calls up to tell me I should get out of the house. I should come over and visit her. I shouldn't be shutting myself away, but should let her... honestly, I don't know what... I mean seriously! My AF is normally painful (which she knows full well), but after IVF it's always mega-painful. I just wish she could understand that I need to be left in peace to nurse the physical pain and mourn the lost embies.

DH was reading this thread with me, and apparently she's also made comments to him when I wasn't around. He said she's done the "what type of underpants" one and asked whether his sperm had been tested or whether we should be getting some elsewhere. Oh, and she's also told him he should get me drunk to get me pg.

She's also notorious for coming out with the "just relax" and "adopt and you'll get pg" lines too.

And then there was my sister's engagement party... I had several well-meaning relatives ambush me and tell me what I should be doing. Relatives that I only see at family events and would NOT have told about the IVF. One was even trying to get me to go to a "fertility church" because that would be more likely to succeed than IVF. This was a couple of weeks after our FET BFN, so I ended up in tears. So my sister ended up in tears. Which then got my BIL-to-be and my DH upset as well.

By contrast, my MIL is awesome. She's so practical and understanding. Plus she works in a pharmacy so I can talk to her about the drugs (not that she knows a lot about the IVF ones). And she stays out of my hair. I think DH gets a few more calls, but I don't get my MIL telling me what to do or judging me in any way.

A gentle reminder everyone that this thread is in the LTTTC area so please be mindful when sharing your story especially if you are not LTTTC and please turn off pg, child tickers as per the local guidelines.

Sorry forgot to remove signature.

Juniper, I'm sorry that you haven't been able to access support from your Mum - and it's sad that you've been made to feel bad for turning to AC to get there. I know that for all my Mum's annoying and upsetting things she says, she is fundamentally supportive of what we're doing and that I can cry on her shoulder if I need to, so I'm lucky for that.

And my MIL is also pretty good - my BIL and SIL went through many years of TTC and IVF, so MIL knows the drill, and knows to be supportive but in a 'hands-off' sort of way. It probably helps that DH only speaks to her now and again - whereas my Mum rings me at least once a week to find out how things are going. I have three siblings, and she doesn't call the others as often, probably because they're not expected to give her grandchildren any time soon!

GL, and well done for coping so well with it all.

Seph

Hey guys - I'm wondering if you have any advice. DH and I live here but are scheduled for a trip back to England next week. I'm relatively insulated from this kind of stuff being here (and judging by some, I'm pleased!), but I feel sure we're going to get a barrage of proddings and pokings about why we don't have kids yet (combined with guilt at "running away half way across the world" etc etc)? Do you have any suitable lines to answer the questions without answering the questions so to speak?

LondonMiss,

GL for your trip home!

I think you will find what you're comfortable with telling people as you go, but it might be worth making sure people are clear on a few things. There are a couple of other threads that might be helpful about being a supportive family/friend around TTC, but here's my rules:

1. Don't speak about TTC with me when we're in company or in public - unless I bring it up;
2. Don't make comments or ask about my sex life (unless you're willing to answer the same questions);
3. Don't place expectations or deadlines on me for when I should have a baby;
4. Don't offer advice...telling me how 'easy' it was for you to fall pregnant 5 times is hurtful and unhelpful, so don't do it.
5. Listen to me. Offer a hug, a listening ear, a smile. Don't sympathise unless you truly can sympathise.

I'm sure I have a few others, but you'll come up with your own - it depends on what you tell to whom, and how much you want to talk about it. It also depends on what you've been through, and how much of that you're willing to share with others. Just make sure you're clear about your boundaries and that the topic isn't brought up without your 'permission.'

Good luck, I hope the trip is lovely and positive and supportive.

Seph

ETA: I can't seem to link the other thread, but it's Friends and Family Supporting LTTTCers and it's under the Long Term TTC forum. GL...although I note that you're in the TWW and perhaps the above suggestions are now void?? :D

OMG Seph, this was the best thread to put on. I had a good chuckle on the comments you put in your first post.

I'm not in the same boat though, as my Mum doesn't know we're TTC. I know exactly the kind of person she is though, and I know that if I did tell her, she would come out with all the same stupid and inconsiderate comments that most of the other mum's have said.

My SIL is no better. She has just recently told me that she plans on being pregnant again before the end of this year. Which would be her 4th baby. She also felt the need to tell me that when her husband (my brother) even sneezes on her, she falls pregnant, and it's so easy for them. Which is such a helpful comment for me given we've been TTC for nearly 18 months. They don't know we're TTC and I plan on keeping it that way.

I've thought about telling family, but as much of a pain in the neck that it is to come up with excuses as to why we're not pregnant yet, I think it might be even harder if everyone knew what was going on, and would constantly ask us "are we pregnant yet?" I just don't know which situation is worse....

Wishes xoxo

My mum is the same but in a different way.

When I told her we were getting married she clearly pointed out she didn't want to be a grandmother and was happy if I had no children and shouldn't think I need to have them for her...gee thanks mum :rolleyes:

When I was pregnant for the 1st time she told me how disappointed I was and we should abort...and now she spoils her grandson rotten!!

With my M/C's I always get "well it was for the best, its not like you wanted more"...although she never bothered to ask me if I wanted more.

I have a very strange relationship with my mum lol but such is life.

OMG I could never tell her we're TTC again...would never hear the end of it :wall:

I've always just tried to ignore it, keep things between DH and I. It can be very stressful when others are adding more and more stress to an already stressful situation...Hope things settle and she becomes are little more clued into and understanding of IVF :)

Well, DH and I just told my parents today we have been ttc awhile, have hit some hurdles and are looking into IVF. Predictably, Mum was great. But Dad has never been that keen on children....

He first said they're looking at moving but might have to make it an interstate move instead. Then he asked us if a cabbage patch doll wouldn't be just as good. Then later on he suggested a puppy from the RSPCA. He also made it clear that he would NOT be available for baby-sitting duties. He was only half joking. :wall:

Well I wish my mum had of been here, she would have talked me into doing ivf a whole lot earlier :(

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He also made it clear that he would NOT be available for baby-sitting duties.

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My mum did that too - "I've raised my kids" was how she put it. As far as she was concerned DH & I could pay for child care.

But then when my sister thought she might be pg (she keeps forgetting to take the pill) my mother told her she could move back to Brisbane to live with mum & dad and she (mum) would look after the child so my sister could work. Geesh!

Ok - I have to add a story. I preface it with "I love my mum dearly" but.... the other day an uni friend who is now living in the US was visiting Australia. I haven't seen or talked to him for more than a year. He accidentally rang my mum's number and said to her "it's great news about Bridget". He was referring to the fact I am engaged. My mum, however, jumped to another conclusion and demanded to know what news (thinking I would tell a friend I hardly speak to before I tell her) and then, after being disappointed he was only referring to the engagement, launched into a 20 minute conversation with him about how I had been trying to conceive forever!

Bridget, my entire family in the UK know about us TTC and IVF. My Mum seems to think it's her story to tell! Drives me mad!

I'm glad that there are some really supportive mum's out there... mine on the other hand...

My mum is one of those people that when you have some good news... she finds the negatives about it. So, once you've told her the said good news, you end up questioning it and feeling all deflated and sad.

We never told my mum we were ttc for the 3 years we tried naturally. This year we started looking into ivf and we told her we were having probs etc, and would need ivf. Of course, she just went straight for the negatives... the cost... the house repayments... time off work.... are you even ready for kids... etc. Every negative that could be thought of, she let us know it. Even my grandmother, who I am quite close to, was really negative about it. Which really suprised me since my aunty had gone through it years before.

Needless to say we no longer bring up this subject either.

But also, this goes with any subject. When I said I was pursuing photography, everyone was happy/excited/supportive... but not my parents...

My aunty went through ivf 16 years ago... and got lucky on her first try (my cousin is 16 now) but had about 8 failed attempts since. She has been so supportive. But seriously, it is ultimately my husband and I on this road and it can be quite lonely without the support. And we're only in the beginning!


I like forums like this because it provides the support you need, when you need it with people who really understand. And 99% of the time everyone give positive support. I know that I would totally be alone if I didn't have these forums.

I do wish that my family could be supportive though...

can think of lots but one that stands out is

my mum told me she would carry our child for us!

I love my mum

Loula - I almost cried with laughter about that one. How funny! mums- they would love to be able to help with everything if they only could.

I had a transfer today and thought it would be good to remind my mum not to tell anyone. she said "I don't tell anyone" and then said, just your sisters. When I asked her how my aunts, uncles and cousins know she said "well they all want to know".

Loula, you are not alone. My mum obviously thought about that as well but in a more regreted way like' ah if I can I would have a child for you'...

I have to say I love love love my mum but quoting Persephone's first paragraph of the post, it was my mum that finds it the hardest during this TTC journey, more so than me. I sometimes have to forget about myself and turn to comfort her that this is not a bit deal and we will get through it...

My mum bought a return ticket offered to come and look after me for 3 months (they live overseas) including all the cookings and all the ancient recipes she can find to get me pregnant. One of the strange thing is a bottle of very strong alcoholic drink and she forces me 1 shot down every night and said her friend's daughter got pregnant that way. Well, not pregnant yet but I may become an alcoholic!

My mum has already recruited her two sisters to come to look after the new baby I am going to have very soon. They are suppose to drop their grand kids and come all the way to here because obviously I am very important in the family ;)

My mum stops having any kind of holidays because she is on call (everyday) so she can be here the minute I get pregnant

My mum has super memory, she remembers my menstral cycle clearer than I do. She will timely remind me fertile days and leading up to AF she forbid me to wear skirts

wow, this thread is like a bit of pressure being taken off!

i spent the journey TTC my DD very much alone. i was told at the tender age of 20 that i was basically infertile due to advance endometriosis and given the 'needle in a haystack' analogy by my then OB/GYN on my chances of conceiving without AC.

throughout our 2 year TTC journey i kept quiet with my mum as early on she made some off-hand comments that IVF was inappropriate and if one 'can't have kids than 'they' should just accept it'. i was so distraught as this was the option we were about to head into and had discussed with our FS.
when i finally told her (after the whole 'when are you gunna give me grandkids speech?') i broke down into tears saying that it just wasnt happening and she replied with: 'well, you should try (and i warn for TMI) 'doggy-style'...like WTF??!!! this was her 'scientific' approach. and yep, now that we are TTC again, she made the same comment last night.

i know that she loves me and only wants us to be happy, but i think that sometimes ppl that havent faced this road can just cut us to the core with mindless comments ITMS

Oh no Cassius2 - no one should ever ever ever have to hear their mum suggest they try "doggie-style"! and you had to hear it TWICE! very traumatic!

I have to say that my mum and MIL are generally pretty good, but I did have one comment from my MIL that got to me. After about 5 months of TTC we told the respective families about my PCOS and the difficulties involved (where my SIL said 'oh thats no big deal, my friend has that and she just took some tablets and got pregnant') so I told DH to tell his family not to ask about it around me. So MIL asks him on the phone (which is fine) only a month or so later (so only 6mths TTC) "how long are you going to keep trying?" Maybe it was just me but it was like she was saying we should probably give up because its not working.