The Flower Shop (Why You Should Attachment Parent)

The Flower Shop
(Why You Should Attachment Parent) By Dr Jay Gordon




I started to write generic answers about Attachment Parenting and Cherri, the co-proprietor of this site, caught me at it. I have been a pediatrician for over twenty years and the vast majority of my patients co-sleep and take their babies with them rather than leaving them. They respond as fast as they can to crying and they also listen for more subtle cues.
I support this type of parenting for reasons almost too numerous to list, but I'll try.
Intrauterine babies have the last "free lunch" and once they are out, they try to continue that incredibly tight relationship and continued influx of calories and food. They want to nurse at all hours of the day and night and want to be hugged and cuddled and carried and are 100% "non-spoilable."
You can spoil a three year old if he cries for a cookie and you give him a cookie; he will learn to cry for a cookie. When your baby cries, it is her highest level of communication and she's speaking about the most basic human and physiologic needs: hunger, warmth, trust, cuddles. If you tell her to wait because it's only 3:45 instead of four o'clock, the feelings you engender are that she's not as important as she thought and . . . you're not as smart as you looked!
Turn this upside down: "What do you want and when would you like it and omigosh! you still want more?" This will set your family up for that time toward the end of the first year of life when you can say, "Waitaminit . . . please." You can look your baby right in the eye and tell her that she is still the most important powerful person in that he world but that you fibbed a little when you told her she was the Queen of England. She can handle a "demotion" to family member instead of autocrat. The foundation for that "behavior modification" comes from extra love and cuddling during the first year, not from letting her cry it out when she needs more food or hugs. Conventional American childrearing gets this whole concept backwards.
Safety is the most important aspect of attachment parenting for many people. A baby in the Family Bed, worn in a sling or similar device and not left in the care of non-parents during the early months is the safest possible baby. I realize that many people have babysitters or other help may not want to "wear the baby" but I certainly strongly support those who do.
My best example: After nine months of planning and hard preparatory work, you open a flower shop. Of course, you have to get up at 3 AM to go to the market downtown to get the best flowers and the best buys and then you have to get set up and open your store by 9AM. The profit margin is not high so you have to work the store yourself for 10-12 hours and then do the books, make the deposit, clean up and more. With any luck, you may be in bed at some reasonable hour and get a few hours of decent sleep--although you may wake up in the middle of the night with worries about this new endeavor. Your life will be fuller and rewarding but it's not easy to appreciate this when you are sleepless and concerned about making this work. (Your friends and family think you're nuts for doing this because they have other conventional ways of running their lives.)
By the end of the year, you have the prettiest, happiest little flower shop and countless people remark on it being the finest they have ever seen. They make comments like, if I knew that I could start a business which turned out so well, I would open one myself!
Your friends, your occasionally unsupportive friends, are now laudatory and filled with compliments for your flower shop and the way you have done it.
All of this . . . for a flower shop. If you put the same time, effort and love into raising your baby, people get upset that you seem to be tired too much and hardly ever join them for lunch. Oh, well.

Love it!

great post!!!

Excellent!

I like it. Thanks for posting. xo

:) great post! Thanks for sharing

Gave me an extra boost while I was rocking my 8 month old, 9kg baby to sleep to know that I am investing in her future & making her feel safe & loved (not to mention the great arm workout!)

Thanks for posting it! :clap:

great post i loved it xx thx

When people say how lovely my preschool DS is, especially those who scoffed at our co-sleeping, extended BFing, gentle parenting ways, I wish I had the guts to say "well that's attachment parenting for ya!" ;)

Excellent - do you mind if I borrow to send as an email to my well meaning friends and family?

I've been tossing up co-sleeping and baby-wearing and whilst I've really wanted to do it, I've been a bit apprehensive about it as well. This article is really simple, straight to the point and great reinforcement. DH will be given this to read tonight!

Thank you!

No worries, I thought it was great!

If you google the author's name he has a website with some other great articles too :)

Yeah, Jay Gordon's great. His suggestions on night weaning are amongst the most useful I have encountered - I (and my DS) personally found them more workable than the No Cry Sleep Solution.

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I've been tossing up co-sleeping and baby-wearing and whilst I've really wanted to do it, I've been a bit apprehensive about it as well. This article is really simple, straight to the point and great reinforcement. DH will be given this to read tonight!

Thank you!

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Persephone, you'll find this is a really intuitive, natural way of parenting - you'll be surprised that its not the norm. You wont regret co-sleeping and baby-wearing, it really is the way women for millenia have been raising their babies. Detachment parenting is the new fangled Western way of doing things and seems out of tune with the nature of babies and mothers. Anyway, you can always try co-sleeping & baby wearing & if it doesn't work for you, try something else!

Ah, after reading that I feel so much better now and confident that I'm doing the right thing - as DS is lying asleep next to me in our bed! Thanks Heaven for the read :)

Persephone - to add to what Winter has said, you can always try things, and if one AP technique work for you but another doesn't, then that's fine too.

I babywear (toddlerwear now) and follow other AP principles but never co-slept. I loved the idea in theory but DS is a noisy, kicky little bed hog who likes his space. :rofl:. We all sleep better when he is in his own bed, and being well rested (or less tired, anyway) gives us the energy to devote to him in other ways, which we couldn't do if we dogmatically adhered to the idea that co-sleeping is an essential part of AP, even though it doesn't work for us.

The nice thing about AP is that it is more of a philosophy than hard and fast rules - I know many AP parents, all of whom do some things slightly differently according to what works for them and the specific needs of their child.

Oh, man, I adore my two flower shops!
And, yes, I DO get people who have seen me parent my first child from day one (who were highly skeptical when I parented 'against the norm') say that whatever I did has paid off...well, it was free and all I did was what came to me naturally (not automatically, I had to make an effort to let my intuition reign free), not via some apparent expert on my child :p Co-sleeping, baby wearing, comforting, demand-feeding...I have a confident child who commands the attention of his peers with his beautiful, unchecked charisma - a real leader and presence because he's allowed to be himself without 'punishment' or restriction :)
Yay for our flower shops, I mean, babies!

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I've been tossing up co-sleeping and baby-wearing and whilst I've really wanted to do it, I've been a bit apprehensive about it as well. This article is really simple, straight to the point and great reinforcement. DH will be given this to read tonight!

Thank you!

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Persephone, you won't regret it, it's such a lovely and enjoyable way to parent. I never set out to 'do' attachment parenting, I fell into it because I just loved cuddling and holding bubs and that's what made him happy to. Co-sleeping happened by accident when we went away for a weekend with no cot, and once I discovered it I wondered why I didn't do it from the beginning. So much easier, nicer and so much more sleep. It's not for everyone but we LOVED it. I didn't even know what we were doing was attachment parenting until I stumbled accross some info on the net.

The results of attachment parenting, a secure, happy, emotionally well-adjusted and communicative child, speak for themselves. Now I always think to myself, I'm so glad that I didn't waste a precious minute trying to train him into independence. He's become an independent toddler too damn fast!! And now that we've gone through the process, I realise that respecting and nourishing their need for dependence is what fosters a healthy sense of independence which comes out when they are developmentally ready.

So yeah, just wanted to say you wont regret it, which turned into a bit of a ramble xx

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The nice thing about AP is that it is more of a philosophy than hard and fast rules - I know many AP parents, all of whom do some things slightly differently according to what works for them and the specific needs of their child.

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ABSOLUTELY! Couldn't agree more, Suse! I have kicked DD out of bed just recently because she is also a bed hog and nibbles (bf) on my boobs all the time which drives me nuts so -boot! into her own bed which she thinks is pretty good too. I think the only rule is to do whatever works for you within a framework of being present in your parenting.

(Being present sounds so Dr.Phil but I cant think of another way to describe it - anyone got a better description?)

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Detachment parenting is the new fangled Western way of doing things and seems out of tune with the nature of babies and mothers.

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Love the term 'detachment parenting'; such an apt description of modern day parenting in the western world.

How bout 'emotionally available'? I had that term flying around my head a lot when DS was a baby. 'Compassionate parenting'? 'Heartspace parenting'?
Alfie Kohn's 'Unconditional Parenting' is a good read for how to get a great flower shop started! And Sharon Heller's 'The Vital Touch' goes into some great detail and discussion about the merits of physical and emotional availability that benefit people from childhood into adulthood. Both available on Fishpond website if your library network doesn't have them.
I think the main thing is not to stifle your instinctual tendencies (whatever they are) in favour of some kind of baby training fad or regime set out by someone distant who published a book but has never even met your baby or you. Or other people who don't have the responsibility of raising your child but feel entitled to an opinion.
What I tend to say to people is that when it comes down to it, you are answerable to your child and no-one else. Someone doesn't agree with tending to your baby's cries immediately? So what? Explain to your baby that you're modifying your parenting based on teh opinion of someone who doesn't matter...

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Love the term 'detachment parenting'; such an apt description of modern day parenting in the western world.

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I use 'separated parenting'. Same thing and seems to denote that physical separation (prams, fancy bouncers, etc that some people call 'mummy replacers', and that is a good way to describe them, for all the defensiveness this term engenders!) that encourages emotional separation.

i started this with my first bub and he still sometimes sleeps better ad settles better when he sleeps with me i felt safer when he slept in with me and he breastfed all the time ( but i did the same thing and booted him out at 11mnths as hes a bed hog and only sleeps with mummy when scared or sick )

this bub i hope to do the same thing im even going to try baby wearing

that article was realy good thanks for sharing

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ABSOLUTELY! Couldn't agree more, Suse! I have kicked DD out of bed just recently because she is also a bed hog and nibbles (bf) on my boobs all the time which drives me nuts so -boot! into her own bed which she thinks is pretty good too. I think the only rule is to do whatever works for you within a framework of being present in your parenting.

(Being present sounds so Dr.Phil but I cant think of another way to describe it - anyone got a better description?)

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In tune? Attentive? Responsive? Connected?

Totally agree Winter. To me AP is about meeting bub's needs in a way that works for you and your household, respecting bubs need to be close and comforted, encouraging communication by responding to it, etc. As opposed to forcing bubs to become independent before s/he is ready or prescribing to a one-size-fits-all approach.

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I have kicked DD out of bed just recently because she is also a bed hog and nibbles (bf) on my boobs all the time which drives me nuts so -boot! into her own bed which she thinks is pretty good too.

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:rofl: DS is constantly sucking all throughout the night - it is sooo annoying! I wake up to feel another fricken let down! I feed him to sleep and often he just does not want to let go, even when he's asleep - he totally uses me as a dummy/pacifier. I honestly must admit, I would much prefer he slept in his cot, for the sake of my sleep and sanity, but only if he was happy to do so. Until then, I am content to let him suck on and off all night and snuggle with me. Actually, you know what kills me the most...having to face him and facing the one side all night! I love sleeping facing the left but I can't because DS constantly wakes for bbs and I have to turn around again! :doh:

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:rofl: He just does not want to let go, even when he's asleep - he totally uses me as a dummy/pacifier....Actually, you know what kills me the most...having to face him and facing the one side all night! I love sleeping facing the left but I can't because DS constantly wakes for bbs and I have to turn around again! :doh:

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In the end I would let DD feed for a reasonable time, then I would roll over and say "that's enough darling, you've had a drink". She would fuss for a bit and then go back to sleep. Wearing a tshirt helped so I could cover my boobs and prevent access. And I tried to think of the little feet kicking me in the back as a massage! :rofl: I still pull DD into my bed in the mornings so that we are having some gorgeous snuggles, I couldn't go cold turkey, I would miss her toooooo much!

Holly, I would recommend you read Jay Gordon's other work - his suggestions on night weaning are geared for co-sleepers. Might help you to night wean without giving up co-sleeping, if that's what you want to do.

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And I tried to think of the little feet kicking me in the back as a massage! :rofl:

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That is hilarious! That is exactly what I do in the mornings when he wakes up and I'm still too sleepy: I roll over and let him kick and squirm and think of it as a massage :rofl:

Suse thanks for the rec, I will definitely look out for the book. It would be a dream to get my sleep back :pray:

Well I am just glad I'm not the only one, and I'm not a "foolish" mother "spoiling" her baby! (so my mother and grandma keep telling me)...

Thanks Ladies, I'm feeling more and more confident that whatever we do, it'll be based on instinct and intuition and whatever works for us. I won't be feeling guilty about lots of snuggles if that's what feels right! And now...actually looking forward to it...bring on the AP!

What a nice thread :) Thanks for posting that Heaven :)

I've been thinking the last couple of days, as ds has just turned two- it was all worth it. Those months where we awake and feeding around the clock and the only advice anyone could give me was to 'let him cry'- it was worth it not to. I now have a secure, happy, friendly, attached but indpendant little man- and I credit that to AP :)

Yep I love my flower shops too, and the best part really is a few years down the track when everyone who thought you were nuts or tried the old "making a rod for your own back" have to eat their words :-)

i was told countless times i was "making a rod for my own back", "she'll never sleep thru", "DD is the boss" etc - in relation to feeding on request, not leaving her in childcare UNTIL she was happy to see me leave etc.

Now she is three, i see her with the beginnings of manners, thoughtful behaviours, empathy for others, ability to touch babies very gently, turn thin pages without tearing them, very good concentration, for a so-called spoiled with affection child, she is not bratty, and what i never thought i would see, she's starting to be affectionate with me (that took a LONG time). For the last few years, i thought to myself, "so i'm trying all this AP stuff, and my DD won't even let me cuddle her - what am i doing wrong?" - but it's changing now. I had to let her take her own time with this, a big lesson in patience for me - and my own feelings of rejection in general.

We're still bf-ing at three, and if "spoiling" my child means having a healthy looking three year old, that's fine with me. She still has the trumpeter's cheeks from suckling LOL. So funny now that she is talking more, to hear from her how important booby time is to her and how happy it makes her.

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Suse thanks for the rec, I will definitely look out for the book. It would be a dream to get my sleep back :pray:

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Just google it hon - all the info you need is on his website :)