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I've heard of this but was after some more information about why people cut themselves. Is it for attention, is it being part of a gang and they feel they have to or because they are depressed? DS was telling me a friend of his, she is 14, has scars all up her arms. TIA.
Regards,
Dianne
My experience is from depression. Physical release to emotional pain. Like a distraction.
:yeahthat::
But i have also seen it used as a way of seeking attention. When i was in high school alot of the girls in my year did it but i still think it should be treated as being serious.
I used self harm as a way to release and deal with issues i had in high school, back when i learnt what my father did. But i kept it hidden for months and months.
How can it be hidden from parents? Surely it would be seen.
Regards,
Dianne
When everything seems so empty and fake, feeling pain is preferable to feeling nothing at all.
It can be for attention, then it is usually visible. If it isn't for attention then it can easily be hidden from parents - thighs/stomach, most parents wouldn't know if you didn't want them to.
Not necessarily - a 14 year old wouldn't be showering with anyone else, and the rest of the time can wear long sleeves or a jacket. Not hard to hide if they don't want anyone to know, which is more of a concern IMO, and less likely to be an attention seeking thing.
I am quite 'highly strung' and I put a lot of pressure on myself to be what I consider to be perfect - when I was younger and I did something I felt was stupid or immature, I would cut myself as a punishment. The problem is, once the self harm starts, for whatever reason, generally the person is too numb to feel it properly, or get the personal reaction they're craving, so its not just one cut here or there, it progresses and gets worse.
IMO, if your DS has seen this girls scars/cuts, someone needs to know - parents, school counsellor, just someone close to her that can pull her back before its too late...
Yep, i used to cut my thighs. My mum was none the wiser. But then when it came out about it she would always make me show my legs to her.:
Can I ask what kind of scars they are? I ask because I had a friend who worked in a food shop that had ovens she would always burn herself on - they looked horrid and she covered them because she was embarrassed. But it was genuinely an accident.
Why people cut themselves? The girls have given you some of the more common reasons. It can also be used as a way for them to feel in control - usually when something is going "wrong" in their world (assault, divorce, moving house, failing school) - they have no control over whatever the situation is so they cut to be in control of their pain.
Some people cut because they believe they are evil, or their blood is filled with poison and so cutting themselves and bleeding is the only way to rid themselves of the evil/poison.
Some people self harm because they have auditory delusions which tell them to self harm (I've seen cutting, burning, punching, and even stabbing).
Even in those who are attention seeking - you have to ask WHY do they want the attention? Is it because something is happening in their world that they don't feel they can speak about but want someone to notice? Is it a cry for help and a sign of such a deep depression they are at risk of more serious self harm (suicide)?
As the others have said, it isn't always obvious. And parents don't always know - how many parents would see their child with almost no clothes on? Usually cuts are reasonably superficial and don't bleed heavily nor cause any significant alteration to behavior in the sense of causing a limp. However, this sort of behaviour is not usually isolated - there are often other behavior changes present... elusiveness, secrecy, becoming withdrawn, sudden mood changes are all common but not necessarily typical to every case.
Encourage your son to talk with someone he trusts at school about this. But keep in mind, he will need support from you because once he tells a staff member - they are OBLIGED to report it to the relevant authority (DHS in Vic) who have to investigate it. It could cause friction between him and this girl and he may need support from you to cope with this. I don't intend you to deter him from talking to a staff member at school (rather the opposite), but hope to ready you for the difficult road he could face.
HTH
MG :hug:
DS said the scars start at the wrist and go up to the upper arm. She actually rang him a few nights ago because she had broken up with her boyfriend and was telling DS that she is going to cut herself. He was begging her not to do it. When I asked him why she does this he said she's an Emo and that's what they do.
Regards,
Dianne
Someone definatly needs to be told and the school is usually a good start. She's obviously been cutting for sometime if this is the case and needs some help.
I used it as a way to feel in control when everything else in my life was so out of control. Also as a way to release pain and anger that I felt.
My advice to you (being that it is school holidays) if your DS receives another phone call like this and she is doing it/threatening it...is to call the police/ambulance ASAP. They are very quick to respond to these types of calls. Explain that there is a history of it to.
You really have had allot of curveballs come your way this year. Please keep us updated. I hope it turns out ok. :hug:
It's a shame that so many of the girls here seem to have done this at some point or another, I have too.
For me, it was because I was feeling so depressed that feeling physical pain actually felt better. The chemicals the body releases to help deal with pain temporarily made me feel better too ITMS?
There are so many reasons. If she's "emo" she could be doing it to "fit in" with the crowd. Does your DS know anyone else that self harms? Even if that's the reason she still needs help.
If it's not stopped, it can definetly get out of hand so encourage your DS to either speak to someone at the school, or the girls parents even? The girl may reject your DS for intereferring or "telling" everyone, but in the long run she will be thanking him when she gets the help she needs.
Oh, and covering it up is easy. Creating "accidents" for the cuts, long sleeves and jumpers, legs, thighs, shoulders etc. :shakehead:
Hope everything turns out okay!
I hid it from my parents for a long time. A LONG time. Months, months and months.
I think attention seeking is a valid reason. If someone is hurting enough inside to cause themselves physical pain and scarring, they deserve attention. They need attention. They need someone to sit down and say "Talk to me, tell me what is happening". If they struggle to use words, and this is their only solution, they need someone to help. Really, cutting is serious, ignoring it won't make it go away.
Not that you are Dianne, just was on my soap box.
Please PM if you would like to chat. I still bare the physical scars of cutting in my teenage years, and unlike most of my experiences that I have grown from, they are still very raw emotionally.
self harm can be as others have said a "control" thing. or punishment. sometimes both.
for me self harm was about feeling. sounds strange. but i needed (for almost 3 years) to cut to feel. because even though i wouldnt feel the cut until the next moring (shower) i knew that the blood meant i'd feel something at some point. as for hiding it i did hide it. for almost two years, until i rolled up a sleeve and my mum saw it. her reaction "how can you do this to me" she still has no idea why i was cutting. in my mind (very depressed at the time) i was taking it out on me so no one else 'needed to stuffer' is your DS close to this girl? if he see if she'd like to come over and talk to him - and you. offer an ear, as i know for myself that speaking to any one at school meant the risk of my family finding out- something i couldnt handle as i saw my self protecting them from what was really happening. she may open up to you about it. if you just ask her about why she wants to cut her self, if shes feeling numb or depressed. if she clams up dont keep pushing if she knows some one cares it may start that ball rolling and open her up a little KWIM?
as for the "emo - thats what they do" tag its not always right. if she's 'slipped up' and your DS has seen them - then she is less likely to be emo. - rather caught out. i only ever showed my scars/cuts to people who told me they also wanted to cut - at the time my thighs where covered in cuts/scars/scabs i'd tell them that they didnt want to stand in my shoes, it wasnt worth it.
I'm happy to talk to you about it if you like, like leasha - i too still carry scars from those dark nights.
:hug: i hope you and your DS can help her :hug:
Someone mentioned above that it can be a way of telling people that the person is hurting when they can't seem to express it otherwise... I can attest to that one.
Also the distraction one is common...
(Incidentally I found self-harm to be almost 'catching' in a way - so many young people in difficult situations and then they see that a friend or someone else cuts and talk to them about it and the friend says it helps... so next time they feel snowed under they try it too...)
Some of the young people I've spoken too say that they cut because when the pain builds up, it feels like the only way to "let it out" the physical pain seems to grant them some emotional release.
Some young people I've spoken too say they have had so many negative things going on in their lives that they withdraw, and end up divorced from their feelings, from the outside world - cutting, and the pain associated with it, are ways to bring them back to that world.
That is exactly how it was for me. I kept it covered, wore a jacket to cover my wrists or cut my shoulders or thighs. I had one friend who knew.:
Have only skimmed the replies, so not sure if anyone has suggested the school counsellor already, but it might be an idea for your son to talk to someone for his friend's sake, but also for his own - it's a heavy load to carry on your own :hug:
The other way I have seen students hide it is to have lots of bracelets on the arm that they use to cut. I had a girl who was severely depressed in my class - she was going through counselling and DOCS had been notified - but I would know she was having a particularly bad time when the bracelets/scarfs would appear on her lower arm.
I spoke to DS last night about talking to someone at school. He straight out said no because she wouldn't trust him anymore. So I suggested he could tell her she can talk to me, so we'll see what happens. Thank you all so much for your responses.
Regards,
Dianne
I guess a way to put it to him is
would you rather her lose trust in you for a while and her get the help she needs (and maybe prevent the cutting progressing to another stage) or to let it progress and she not be around at all?
just wanted to say, i used to be a chronic cutter as a teen. I'll be back to this thread later when i'm at the computer not on the phone- too difficult to type ht all out in predictative text!
i can honestly say that some one did that to me - and i lost all trust in them. i needed some one to listen, not to "pass me on" as most people had done to me in regard to my depression/cutting. that made it harder to talk - because it was a "forced" thing KWIM? I can only speak for myself - and the people who i know who have walked this dark road, that you get to a point where you DO open up to some one you know can help you - once you trust them and they i guess earn the 'right' to know whats happening. so i think if Dianne talks to this girl - not about the cutting out right but the things going on her life it may be the start of a branch to talk to some one - not a "you're talking to some one because we WANT/NEED you too". i had that happen to me and it sent me flying backwards in that regard. but this girl may be differant. and depending on why she's cutting can change who she trusts/how she trusts them.:
People see cuts/scars and assume that they're trying to end their own life when often its all that has them holding on. Shmicks was right when he said its a way of finding feeling again. a physiologist told me once "you get to a point where you have that many emotions running though your mind - you cant pick one to process and understand. so you simply turn them all off and process them by cutting - a physical feeling which is predicable and controllable. even able to punish you if need be" which i found true. cutting is a hard subject to bring up because it can go the wrong way and the person can shut down.
Dianne do you know of any teachers she'd be willing to talk to if all else failed? maybe if your DS can find out...and maybe he can help 'set up' a time to talk to this teachers WITH him - to talk about his fears? because that (from my POV) shows he cares, but he needs help to understand her with out passing her around. if she hides her cuts i doubt she wants the world to know why she cuts.
:hug:
Dianne,
I'm 34yo and have been SH for about 15 years. It can intially be a calling out for help but it is very addictive. I initially started out by scratching myself and now after 15 years use a stanley knife. I cut to release pain although at the time it doesn't hurt and it is the sight of blood dripping from my arms that calms me. (This is truly a very sick addiction).
There is a very informative site called psyke.org which should be able to help further. Please just don't see this as a "emo" "attention" as it can develop into something more.
All the best in getting the support.
Thats exactly how i felt.:
And believe me, if someone wants to hide it they can.. its not that hard.
i used to wear long tops all the time but if they were only on my wrist i would wear alot of bracelets.
Ive got scars from my wrist to my elbow, and i hate wen people ask how i got them. clearly its none of your business.. i wouldnt ask you how you got fat would i?
But they are fading now which is great.
ummm sorry back to the original question...
Yep its a shame but some girls DO do it for attention.. they are the ones who are more likely to make a point of doing it and showing people.
I would just like to thank you for sharing your personal stories, it has helped me have an understanding.
Regards,
Dianne
Wow, Dianne, you're such a special lady. You care so deeply for so many people, it really makes me want to just reach through my computer and give you a big, squooshy hug for being such an awesome person!
I think, for now, the best course of action for your DS is to provide him with references to organisations where this girl can get help if she wants it, and get him to pass on the info, but let her make her own decision. As Dansta and others have said, it's usually a situation where the person who is self-harming is not trying to take his/her life, but it's a coping mechanism for any number of things - ranging from very serious things like abuse or big problems at home, to 'teen angst' and not being able to use more 'appropriate' methods of dealing with raging hormones and the usual teen dramas.
I'm 24 and still self-harm on occasions, when things 'get too much' and I can't cry any more. Having been raised by a mother who uses tears as manipulation, I don't like to 'let it out' in that way, and prefer to go off on my own, bleed a bit to release the pent-up feelings, and get on with things. The scabs are a comforting reminder in the days afterwards that yes, I am human, alive, I am still here and dealing. Sometimes I feel like if I don't break skin to get it all out, I'll just explode. Burst. Something is going to break. Better to have a few superficial wounds that will heal with time, than to have that brick sitting on my chest and squeezing the breath out of me with every passing second...
The best thing your DS can do for his friend is to be a shoulder to cry on, a confidante, who can give her avenues to professional help if she chooses to take it, and if not, then she knows she has a trusted friend who will not betray her. Chances are it will not be too much of a burden for him - most genuine SHers are quite uncomfortable about sharing it with anybody and she may well avoid the topic entirely, but rest assured that he is there should she ever truly need him and will not worry that he will go narc her out. That being said, if she does become overly reliant on him for working through her issues, your DS will need to explain that to her and try to help her seek appropriate help, kwim?
Self-harm has nothing to do with being 'emo' (although, granted, a lot of kids who are having issues and are susceptible to self-harm are attracted to the 'scene', but 'emo' does not automatically equal self-harm, just as there are so many kids out there who are not in any particular scene or subculture who are dealing with their own private pain), it is quite common amongst a lot of teenagers who are doing it for any number of reasons. Some kids are better at coping with whatever they're going through, some are doing it because they consider their lives to be 'boring' and are seeking attention or the 'cool' factor, some kids really do need help to overcome the self-harming while for others, it's a way of dealing with things that suits them and helps them through. Most grow out of it in their own time and nobody is any the wiser.
I wish your son and his friend all the best, I do hope that she gets whatever help she needs with this and whatever other issues she is facing... and again, good on you for caring so deeply about your DS and his friend. I hope it all goes well.