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Some of the young people I've spoken too say that they cut because when the pain builds up, it feels like the only way to "let it out" the physical pain seems to grant them some emotional release.
Some young people I've spoken too say they have had so many negative things going on in their lives that they withdraw, and end up divorced from their feelings, from the outside world - cutting, and the pain associated with it, are ways to bring them back to that world.
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That is exactly how it was for me. I kept it covered, wore a jacket to cover my wrists or cut my shoulders or thighs. I had one friend who knew.
Have only skimmed the replies, so not sure if anyone has suggested the school counsellor already, but it might be an idea for your son to talk to someone for his friend's sake, but also for his own - it's a heavy load to carry on your own
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The other way I have seen students hide it is to have lots of bracelets on the arm that they use to cut. I had a girl who was severely depressed in my class - she was going through counselling and DOCS had been notified - but I would know she was having a particularly bad time when the bracelets/scarfs would appear on her lower arm.
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I spoke to DS last night about talking to someone at school. He straight out said no because she wouldn't trust him anymore. So I suggested he could tell her she can talk to me, so we'll see what happens. Thank you all so much for your responses.
Regards,
Dianne
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I guess a way to put it to him is
would you rather her lose trust in you for a while and her get the help she needs (and maybe prevent the cutting progressing to another stage) or to let it progress and she not be around at all?
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i can honestly say that some one did that to me - and i lost all trust in them. i needed some one to listen, not to "pass me on" as most people had done to me in regard to my depression/cutting. that made it harder to talk - because it was a "forced" thing KWIM? I can only speak for myself - and the people who i know who have walked this dark road, that you get to a point where you DO open up to some one you know can help you - once you trust them and they i guess earn the 'right' to know whats happening. so i think if Dianne talks to this girl - not about the cutting out right but the things going on her life it may be the start of a branch to talk to some one - not a "you're talking to some one because we WANT/NEED you too". i had that happen to me and it sent me flying backwards in that regard. but this girl may be differant. and depending on why she's cutting can change who she trusts/how she trusts them.
People see cuts/scars and assume that they're trying to end their own life when often its all that has them holding on. Shmicks was right when he said its a way of finding feeling again. a physiologist told me once "you get to a point where you have that many emotions running though your mind - you cant pick one to process and understand. so you simply turn them all off and process them by cutting - a physical feeling which is predicable and controllable. even able to punish you if need be" which i found true. cutting is a hard subject to bring up because it can go the wrong way and the person can shut down.
Dianne do you know of any teachers she'd be willing to talk to if all else failed? maybe if your DS can find out...and maybe he can help 'set up' a time to talk to this teachers WITH him - to talk about his fears? because that (from my POV) shows he cares, but he needs help to understand her with out passing her around. if she hides her cuts i doubt she wants the world to know why she cuts.
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Dianne,
I'm 34yo and have been SH for about 15 years. It can intially be a calling out for help but it is very addictive. I initially started out by scratching myself and now after 15 years use a stanley knife. I cut to release pain although at the time it doesn't hurt and it is the sight of blood dripping from my arms that calms me. (This is truly a very sick addiction).
There is a very informative site called psyke.org which should be able to help further. Please just don't see this as a "emo" "attention" as it can develop into something more.
All the best in getting the support.
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Thats exactly how i felt.
And believe me, if someone wants to hide it they can.. its not that hard.
i used to wear long tops all the time but if they were only on my wrist i would wear alot of bracelets.
Ive got scars from my wrist to my elbow, and i hate wen people ask how i got them. clearly its none of your business.. i wouldnt ask you how you got fat would i?
But they are fading now which is great.
ummm sorry back to the original question...
Yep its a shame but some girls DO do it for attention.. they are the ones who are more likely to make a point of doing it and showing people.
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I would just like to thank you for sharing your personal stories, it has helped me have an understanding.
Regards,
Dianne
Registered User
Wow, Dianne, you're such a special lady. You care so deeply for so many people, it really makes me want to just reach through my computer and give you a big, squooshy hug for being such an awesome person!
I think, for now, the best course of action for your DS is to provide him with references to organisations where this girl can get help if she wants it, and get him to pass on the info, but let her make her own decision. As Dansta and others have said, it's usually a situation where the person who is self-harming is not trying to take his/her life, but it's a coping mechanism for any number of things - ranging from very serious things like abuse or big problems at home, to 'teen angst' and not being able to use more 'appropriate' methods of dealing with raging hormones and the usual teen dramas.
I'm 24 and still self-harm on occasions, when things 'get too much' and I can't cry any more. Having been raised by a mother who uses tears as manipulation, I don't like to 'let it out' in that way, and prefer to go off on my own, bleed a bit to release the pent-up feelings, and get on with things. The scabs are a comforting reminder in the days afterwards that yes, I am human, alive, I am still here and dealing. Sometimes I feel like if I don't break skin to get it all out, I'll just explode. Burst. Something is going to break. Better to have a few superficial wounds that will heal with time, than to have that brick sitting on my chest and squeezing the breath out of me with every passing second...
The best thing your DS can do for his friend is to be a shoulder to cry on, a confidante, who can give her avenues to professional help if she chooses to take it, and if not, then she knows she has a trusted friend who will not betray her. Chances are it will not be too much of a burden for him - most genuine SHers are quite uncomfortable about sharing it with anybody and she may well avoid the topic entirely, but rest assured that he is there should she ever truly need him and will not worry that he will go narc her out. That being said, if she does become overly reliant on him for working through her issues, your DS will need to explain that to her and try to help her seek appropriate help, kwim?
Self-harm has nothing to do with being 'emo' (although, granted, a lot of kids who are having issues and are susceptible to self-harm are attracted to the 'scene', but 'emo' does not automatically equal self-harm, just as there are so many kids out there who are not in any particular scene or subculture who are dealing with their own private pain), it is quite common amongst a lot of teenagers who are doing it for any number of reasons. Some kids are better at coping with whatever they're going through, some are doing it because they consider their lives to be 'boring' and are seeking attention or the 'cool' factor, some kids really do need help to overcome the self-harming while for others, it's a way of dealing with things that suits them and helps them through. Most grow out of it in their own time and nobody is any the wiser.
I wish your son and his friend all the best, I do hope that she gets whatever help she needs with this and whatever other issues she is facing... and again, good on you for caring so deeply about your DS and his friend. I hope it all goes well.
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