What do you think are acceptable reasons for not having another baby?

Ok.. I know I keep going over and over this and people are probably getting realllly sick of me (sterla and willow just to name a couple haha)..

But I was thinking this morning, the reasons for NOT having another baby, are well, sort of selfish reasons?

Like, I've joined a gym and trying to get fit. If I get pregnant, I'll have to stop the gym, and then won't get fit. I don't want to be fat for the rest of my adult life - so then I'll be putting it on hold for another baby. Selfish? Yes.

And I want to eventually get on with my life, go to the big meet ups and let my hair down and get drunk and act like an idiot. But I don't want to do that being pregnant or with a young baby.

Also - I don't particularly like the newborn/baby stage. I do much better when my kids can tell me what they want, what they need, whats wrong with them, instead of trying to figure out the screaming :lol: Not particularly selfish, but the stage doesn't last for that long I know.

And also - fear from maybe not getting another natural birth. What if something happens next time, and last time was a complete fluke? What if the baby is breech and doesn't turn like DD2 did eventually? I don't particularly want another c-section, and probably letting fear get in the way of a reasonable decision making.

I'd be in pain from SPD. Definitely selfish for not wanting to go through some pain for another bub. Can't say I really look forward to failing breastfeeding again for the 4th time either. So again, selfish from me.

I know my kids would benefit from having another sibling, they totally love and adore each other now (with the exception of DD1 going through a hitting stage at the moment) but they just all hang out together, and the other two run to DD2 when she is upset about something, just to comfort her. So I know I'm bringing up a really close knit family for these kids.

So what are acceptable reasons for not having another baby? Financial? Emotional? Because I want to be a selfish git? LOL

Help me out here (except Sterla and Willow, cos I think they're ready to bang me over the head with a fry pan. Or Sterla will be tempted to drown me at the pool at gym one night...)

Needing a bigger house, car and being able to provide for them comfortably are all things to think about. ;) plus what about travelling in a few years much easier with two than three kids to chase after.

to be honest i dont think you *need* a reason not to have another baby. If you dont feel you are ready or that you want one that is good enough. and all of your reasons sound pretty valid to me. its not selfish that you dont want to be in pain or be fat for the rest of your life (byt he way i dont know if youa re fat or not just using your words lol) they are very valid reason and they are also issues that would contribute to your other kiddies. The getting on with your life bt might seem selfish but everyone has got to do it sometime!
anyway thats just MHO lol

I think it's all relative y'know? What one person might consider selfish, may be a big deal to another person. I don't think anyone can sit there and say 'Mel, your reasons for NOT having another baby are stupid and selfish', and then send you to the bedroom for some nookie :)

I suppose the real question is - do you think your reasons are unacceptably selfish, or do you think you would resent the baby for missing out/posponing these things?

I think all reasons for not having another are perfectly acceptable. I don't think it's selfish at all to want to provide financially for your kids, be happy & healthy for yourself so you can be a better mum to your kids and as for giving them another sibling - well they can't miss what they never had IYKWIM! Maybe it is more selfish to have another as that will mean your other kids suffer because you are in pain and can't play with them or because they miss out on activities because you can't afford it. They will have their friends from school/sports/whatever they do as well so they don't necessarily need another sibling. I can't really comment on the birth/bf side as you just can't predict that. It sounds to me like you don't really want another but just love the idea of another. I could be way off track so give me a virtual face slap if you like. Tough decision to make I know but for me I have decided to limit myself to 2 for many of the same "selfish" reasons.

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I suppose the real question is - do you think your reasons are unacceptably selfish, or do you think you would resent the baby for missing out/posponing these things?

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Urghh I don't know.

Black_Rose - I already have 3 kids to chase after ;) ETA: And we already have a 7 seater car ;)

Maybe its cos 3 under 3 was really easy for me... LOL.. maybe I live on stress or something and now that I hardly have any, it feels like something is missing.. lol

Rowellen - I know that I would love another little boy, would really really love another little boy.. but that can't be guaranteed either.. lol

having another baby is completely personal, if you don't feel comfortable having another one, for whatever reason, then don't!
i'd love another bub, but i also get hyper-emesis, acid reflux, hormonal uproar etc, and after the crap that my body is still going through from miff's pregnancy, i probably will not have another one. these are selfish reasons, i don't like what happened to my body physically, or my mind mentally and emotionally. sometimes you have to be selfish, because if you have another one, and you're not 100% sure you wanted it in the first place, who knows if you'll resent it?
i know, i know, i'm blabbering now, and i don't even know if i'm making sense..
don't feel like you should have another baby, if you'are not positive, then either give it time to see if you change your mind, or leave it at the 3 beautiful kids you have!

Well for a start, not wanting pain from SPD is NOT a selfish reason. How hard is it on your kids to have you in pain and not able to do stuff? That sort of thing affects everyone including you so you can't write that one off as selfish. Wanting to get fit and healthy? Again, not selfish. I could go on but.....

At the end of the day it is up to you and what you feel that you and your family can deal with - it needs to be a balanced approach and look at all aspects financial, emotional, psychological, physical, logistical etc. Only you and you DH can work out what is best for you and the kids. All reasons are perfectly valid if they impact your family.

I honestly think that sometimes you have to be a little selfish itms. Its not selfish to think about your own health/physical needs and put them first because if you don't look after your needs, you can't be as good a Mum as what you could be kwim.

For me, it is a lot of different reasons why I don't want anymore children, a lot of them similar to yours and a lot of them very different as well. There comes a point in your life where you know that you want to enjoy life without having young kids to look after or go home to and that doesn't mean you didn't love the early years or appreciate your kids being little it just means that you are ready for the next phase of your life.

I dont think your reasons are selfish Mel! Mostly they are things that can be worked around...the gym and BB meet ups will still be there after another baby :)
The pain thing is probably a big one. You seemed really in a lot of pain with Eden and will that effect your other kids? But again that's a short term thing (in the scheme of things) and can be managed.
Its a tough one but I think you do a great job with the 3 of them why not share some more love!!!!

If you're selfish than so am I.

I don't want another baby because:

It takes a lot of pain (emotionally) and possibly MC's to get pregnant. (but if I really wanted another I know this wouldn't be a problem)
I have raised two babies and I like the idea that they are getting more and more dependent each day, which means I am becoming more and more my own person again.
I want to work so we have more money, so my kids can enjoy life more too and I don't want to rely on daycare if I don't have to.
I am excited about the idea of having no kids at home next year ;)
I wanted to have children young so I would be a young mum, and I am still and like the idea that I'll be 43 when my last baby finishes high school. It also means DH and I will be able to still enjoy travelling etc when our kids leave home iykwim?


Now I am lucky enough to have this list, and had I not had any babies I know this list wouldn't mean diddly squat because the wanting of those babies would be more than these issues. But because I was blessed (even with the heartache of loss and LTTTC) means that these issues apply to me now and they are valid reasons for ME. You need to do what is right for you, not compare yourself to others because it is your life iykwim?

Absolutely ANY reason is an acceptable reason not to have another baby!!

Some people may label those resons as seflish, better to be selfish without another child than unselfish and unhappy with an extra child I reckon.
I think we each just need to work out where our limits are. For some those limits are close and for some those limits are far away IYKWIM.

FOr me, I hate the thoguth of never having another baby in my life, however, with my DH there is no way I will have another baby with him cause he isnt cut out or fatherhood and I dont feel it would be fair to bring another child into the world who wouldnt get all the attention it deserves rom its father, for others, the way their DH parents wouldn't even come into the decision of having another baby.

It is such a hard decision, hope you can find some peace soon x

Tell me off if I'm wrong, but you're obviously very torn over it. Is it possible that the issue isn't having another baby, but realising that if you DON'T have another baby soon, a chapter of your life will be over? As in, you're no longer a baby-mama, you're a toddler-mama...

I mention it because a couple of friends of mine are in a similar situation - they were both in the same 'place', kids all school age etc. Then one got pregnant accidentally, and the other one was really jealous. But now that bubs here, they both say that the whole 'newborn baby' phase is something they've passed, and the one that was jealous is actually kinda happy that she didn't have another, because that part of her life is over. Not that she didn't thoroughly enjoy it at the time, but there are new things to enjoy now.

Hope that makes sense!

Arimeh you're a hoot, thanks for a giggle in your post hehehe I think all of the things you listed are reasonable :) dh and I orignially wanted 4 bubs and we've named them all etc. But now we are a little more realistic. We are having this one and are totally ttc #2 asap! But after that we will have a look at how we are going. First thing on my list will be our health (the whole family) both physical and emotional and if for ANY reason there is a problem including weight (as you mentioned) than we wont have another bub until any health issues are resolved. Next on our list would be time and finances, if we don't have time to offer the family unit or the finances to support us all then we would also stop at 2 kids. Our house is big enough to fit the 4 kids we wanted but if it wasn't and we couldn't afford a larger place and it was an issue then that would also stop us having a 3rd let alone the 4th.

Are you trying to convince yourself or someone else?
You can come up with as many reasons as you like, but at the end of the day I don't know that it's always a 'rational' decision, it's just about what feels right or works best, you know?

Just noticed your name change! Nice I like it :D

Don't mind me I read that blame prego brain and a hyper dd! As pp's what are the reasons you want another one vs the 'selfish' reasons not to. Personally I think the more the better ATM so I am not much help just ask me in a few months.

Sometimes we need to be selfish. Being mothers, its not a common thing for us. All your reasons are valid. Theyre the same as mine. I really really want 5 kids. But i doubt i can do another pregnancy. My SPD is at it's worst, i hate feeling fat and not being able to do anything. Having a newborn you can't do much either, especially with having other kids. Honestly, that's that only reason i can give for not having 5. We could happily provide for them financially but i just don't think i could do it physically. And it's totally selfish. DH is happy with 4 but not 100% against 5. It's more if i will regret not having had 5. But 4 is a good bunch and i think after a while i'll be happy. I'm going to have years of laughs and love from them and hopfully lots of grankiddies! So then i can spoil them as much as i would my own children.

I think any reason is acceptable to not have another bub, as long as it is YOUR reason :)

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Tell me off if I'm wrong, but you're obviously very torn over it. Is it possible that the issue isn't having another baby, but realising that if you DON'T have another baby soon, a chapter of your life will be over? As in, you're no longer a baby-mama, you're a toddler-mama...

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But thats the funny thing - I like being a toddler-mama much more than a baby-mama!! Toddlers are the absolute best, they're such a ball :) I love interacting with both of mine, they're a hoot (to steal the phrase ;))

So its not that I want another baby, I want another toddler... LOL

Marcellus - I'm not trying to convince myself or anyone else of anything.... just trying to nut out what is best for us. Sometimes its not just clear cut ya know? Both options would work for us, just have to find out what is BEST for us.

Rowellen - thanks ;)

Trill - I'm definitely ready for the next stage - but want that next stage to be with 4 kids - ITMS? Which is why its sooooo confusing, because I want 4 kids, but not the pregnancy, birth or baby.. LOL

I think that if you question your reasons for not having another one, then you are not ready to stop.
Thats the way i've always thought about it.
When you know, you know... there will be no questions.

That was kinda my point Arimeh - laying out pros and cons doesn't always help you find what's right for you.

So.... you need to clone one of your toddlers maybe?

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because I want 4 kids, but not the pregnancy, birth or baby.. LOL

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Maybe you could adopt. Problem solved. :hide: Sorry that's probably not very helpful.

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I know my kids would benefit from having another sibling, they totally love and adore each other now (with the exception of DD1 going through a hitting stage at the moment) but they just all hang out together, and the other two run to DD2 when she is upset about something, just to comfort her. So I know I'm bringing up a really close knit family for these kids.

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I love that Mel ! You have a great little family and sooo much love to give. Your kids are gorgeous ! Great reason to have #4 ! ;)

The gym will still be there after another bub and so will meet ups ! Having said that - i can totally understand not wanting to be pg and missing out. We are waiting at the moment til after we have been away cause i dont want to miss out on the theme parks and all the fun that our holiday will bring ! I know i have said it before but i figure by then i will have had long enough to make a decision either way !

Is the fear of having another CS enough to stop you having another bub altogether ??

SPD - i have found my pregnancies quite painful so i can only imagine how bad SPD must be :hug:

As for having another boy - well i can do boys and you can do girls so lets swap !! ;)

I dont think your reasons are selfish - they are valid ! I totally understand how hard you are finding this ! :hug: So many things to consider.

Nearly all the things you have listed seem to be short term but another addition is for life ! Just a thought ! There is always a solution for most things...

I know i havent helped but i just wanted to show my support ! Whatever you guys decide will be the right thing for you in the end.

xo

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I'd be in pain from SPD. Definitely selfish for not wanting to go through some pain for another bub.

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Nope definitely not selfish. I can't think of any other human endeavours where people would willingly put themselves through months of agony.

I agree wholeheartedly with Gracious Goddess. You have to find your own place of peace with your decision and it matters to no one except yourself and your DH (weighted towards yourself ;)).

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I think any reason is acceptable to not have another bub, as long as it is YOUR reason :)

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Yeah but at the moment I'm flip flopping all over the damn place between have one, don't have one - its constantly on my freakin mind and driving me nutty!!!!! I am like this stupid fish thats been yanked out of the water and just flopping all over the deck - this way, no this way, no the other way - ARGHHHHHH.

Marcellus - hmm. cloning. That IS an idea...:think:

Jahzara - thanks :hug: I know you understand what I'm going through xxxxxx (btw, girls night with Sterla soon ok?)

MD - thats what DH said too... and that basically its up to me cos I gotta go through it!

Our decision at the moment to not have any more kids is because we want to be able to do things like travel with Jazz, and not put it off because we will have a newborn or younger child. Plus we both want to go to work when she is about 4 or 5, so we can buy a house. If we have another kid, thats morw time at home and we get even further from our home goal. So I get the selfish award! LOL!

Whatever reason you want to use is good enough. No one can tell you what is acceptable or not acceptable when it comes to decisions like this.

Less selfish reasons to not have more:

- There are already 6 billion people on this earth and not enough resources for all of them to live a full life.
- Audax needs to purchase all of your no-longer-used baby goods at a very reasonable price.

I think there's something in your vision of toddler-mama with 4 kids - maybe that's part of your family story, and maybe that's something that will happen, in some sort of a wacky way.

Any reason is an acceptable reason if you don't want to have another baby Mel! It's your life and your family, so you do whatever you want!

But working out what you want is the hard part, huh? So... some questions to ask yourself that you've probably already thought of but I'll write them anyway :)

Forgetting all the pro's and con's do you want another child in your life?? What does your heart say??

Would you be happy not to have another one?

Would you regret not having a fourth?

Would you regret it if you did have a fourth for any reason?

Would you be happy to have another baby girl?

If you for some reason ended up with another c/s would you still be happy you decided to have another one?

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Forgetting all the pro's and con's do you want another child in your life?? What does your heart say??

Would you be happy not to have another one?

Would you regret not having a fourth?

Would you regret it if you did have a fourth for any reason?

Would you be happy to have another baby girl?

If you for some reason ended up with another c/s would you still be happy you decided to have another one?

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Yup.
Probably get over it eventually.
Probably.. lol
Never regret children. I wanted a boy and got Eden, and I don't regret it for a second - she's a gorgeous bub and I'm blessed to have her.
See above ;) I'd probably get bloody sick of being surrounded by pink since I hate the colour, but I'm sure I could turn them into being black lovers like myself eventually.
Yup. I don't want one but I'd get over it. Just don't want one.. LOL

Well then missy, I think you should follow your heart! Stop analysing or your head might explode. Sometimes these things just aren't rational. Nothing worse than living with regrets I reckon, and I know your hubby is supportive whatever you decide so that's a big plus!

when do you stop? honestly..will you be happy with 4 or will you want another?
Sometimes we need to draw the line and say know what I tried my best now its time to give the best to myself for the sake of the kids.
they want a healthy mum..not one who is unhappy and full of remorse.
My kids all get along so well....yep I miss not being able tohave another but hey I need to look after my temple and if it means being selfish then so be it, no more babies.

Oh..and babe. I think nearly every woman goes through the torn feeling when their baby hits 6 months :hug:

Iv been really struggling with this aswell lately (and i haven't even had number 2 yet lol) My reason to try for a third is very selfish and i dont feel like it is reason enough, but for me to give up the dream that i have is very hard for me. When i think about it sticking with two makes sense for us, i want to go back to work, i want to be able to travel and show my boys the world and alot of other reasons that make sense for us but still i want a third baby and cant get past it. Honestly its such a hard decision and i understand why you are finding it so hard.

Do you even need a reason? If you don't want more babies you don't need to justify it.
I don't want any more babies because I'm happy with my family and my lifestyle just the way it is. If that's selfish so be it :p

I might be wrong but I assume that you're at an age where you will still have the option of changing your mind in 5 or 10 years time.

You can bang on about this all you like if it helps you work through it - the only problem I have is you referring to any of the reasons as selfish. Grrrr!

I've said for years that if someone left a baby on my doorstep I'd probably never call the authorities lol, but I can't just can't go through the long months of pregnancy and the fears that I felt. I pop them out easy as pie but for my it's the preg that drags me and I just can't do that to myself again. How could that be selfish?

In any case one thing I have to offer is - I found a school for my children that I never knew existed and it costs. I can't think of having them educated any other way and it's really NOW that I know I have def done the right thing. I could not have done this with another baby. It can be a long term thing, not just now/baby/toddler years when they don't really need that much IYKWIM?

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I might be wrong but I assume that you're at an age where you will still have the option of changing your mind in 5 or 10 years time.

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Bahahahaaha thanks :) I'm about to turn 33, so I don't have a LOT of time up my sleeve ;) Plus, once all babies are out of nappies, I don't wanna be going back there again!

And I think some people are reading my original post wrong - my problem is I do want another baby, but I have all these things on the con list, and I'm wondering if they are good enough reasons to not go back for another one, or if they are just selfish ones and I should totally get over myself and just do it already.. LOL

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except Sterla and Willow, cos I think they're ready to bang me over the head with a fry pan. Or Sterla will be tempted to drown me at the pool at gym one night...

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:rofl: :rofl:

OK, I am NOT going to bang you over the head, seems to me you're doing a pretty good job of that yourself!

I don't know what the answer is for YOU - but none of the reasons you listed in your first post are selfish. They are valid, sensible reasons.

I'll be honest, if someone were to hand me another 9 month old baby I'd be STOKED. But I just don't want to do the baby thing again. I've been prg 4 times in 5 years, had 3 babies in 4.5 years. IVF, miscarriage and surgeries in that time too. I don't do the newborn thing well at ALL. I tend to be a bit anxious and highly strung with a young baby in the house. Don't talk to me about sleep deprivation atm. After the first twelve months, I always want another! LOL. But this time I know there will be no more. Does that make me selfish? I don't think so. I think it just means I recognise my limits.

I know lots of people have said to you 'if you're thinking about it this much you're not done' but I disagree. There seems to me to be something(s) holding you back and I think it's wise to really sit with that a while and work through it.

Ask yourself this - what would really change in your life if you didn't have another baby? Is not having another baby really going to stop you from being happy long term?

Anyway, that's all I got :lol:

Mel, maybe if you try and put it into the perspective of thinking in terms of if you have another bub...if you get pg, go through the worst spd you have ever experienced, have another c/s and are unable to bf your bub, what do you think you will feel in a years time, two, five...then if you don't have another bub, you resisit your urges, study your dream course and/or get your great job, lose all the weight you want to....which do you think will fulfil you more?
You couldend up having an ok pg (I know it's unlikely you won't get spd again), you might have a dream natural/ vaginal birth, you might bf it for 3 years. On the flip side, if you don't have another, you might not get a great job or course, you might not lose the weight you want to.....
Do you think another baby will set you back all that much from acheiving those other things you want out of life?
Do you think you would regret not having another baby more than you want all of these other things?
I don't know if any of that helps. It's all so dependant on so many things. Noone can give you the answers but you. Sorry it's so tough for you hun :hug: I can see your confusion.

If you have ugly babies... Then no. But you have gorgeous babies so SWEEEEET get it on sister!!

I am totally joking about ugly babies btw - All babies are GORGEOUS but yours are especially beautiful :)

Just in one of THOSE moods hehehe *giggidy giggidy* A bit delirious from little sleep, getting to the overtired hysterical stage and DH is on night shift so going a bit batty home alone haha

But on a serious note, Mel I think if you are THIS torn up about whether or not to go for one more, you should do it because I think on the see saw of things, you would totally regret not having one more than having one more if that makes sense??

Ah will come back when I have had less sugar and can discuss like an adult hahaha xox

Argh Kel.... Kel, Kel, Kel.... I'm going to have to have a shower and ponder all those things... cos I think you've hit the nail on the head somewhere... (just need to find the frackin nail....)

Willow - You've made your point too... ;)... going to go ponder..... if only I could take the computer in the shower with me so I can keep re-reading certain posts...