What do you think are acceptable reasons for not having another baby?

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

I think it's all relative y'know? What one person might consider selfish, may be a big deal to another person. I don't think anyone can sit there and say 'Mel, your reasons for NOT having another baby are stupid and selfish', and then send you to the bedroom for some nookie

I suppose the real question is - do you think your reasons are unacceptably selfish, or do you think you would resent the baby for missing out/posponing these things?

[Arimeh]

I suppose the real question is - do you think your reasons are unacceptably selfish, or do you think you would resent the baby for missing out/posponing these things?

Urghh I don't know.

Black_Rose - I already have 3 kids to chase after ETA: And we already have a 7 seater car

Maybe its cos 3 under 3 was really easy for me... LOL.. maybe I live on stress or something and now that I hardly have any, it feels like something is missing.. lol

Rowellen - I know that I would love another little boy, would really really love another little boy.. but that can't be guaranteed either.. lol

[ezymay]

I dont think your reasons are selfish Mel! Mostly they are things that can be worked around...the gym and BB meet ups will still be there after another baby
The pain thing is probably a big one. You seemed really in a lot of pain with Eden and will that effect your other kids? But again that's a short term thing (in the scheme of things) and can be managed.
Its a tough one but I think you do a great job with the 3 of them why not share some more love!!!!

[widdly]

Absolutely ANY reason is an acceptable reason not to have another baby!!

Some people may label those resons as seflish, better to be selfish without another child than unselfish and unhappy with an extra child I reckon.
I think we each just need to work out where our limits are. For some those limits are close and for some those limits are far away IYKWIM.

FOr me, I hate the thoguth of never having another baby in my life, however, with my DH there is no way I will have another baby with him cause he isnt cut out or fatherhood and I dont feel it would be fair to bring another child into the world who wouldnt get all the attention it deserves rom its father, for others, the way their DH parents wouldn't even come into the decision of having another baby.

It is such a hard decision, hope you can find some peace soon x

[Bumperstump Cummerbund]

Tell me off if I'm wrong, but you're obviously very torn over it. Is it possible that the issue isn't having another baby, but realising that if you DON'T have another baby soon, a chapter of your life will be over? As in, you're no longer a baby-mama, you're a toddler-mama...

I mention it because a couple of friends of mine are in a similar situation - they were both in the same 'place', kids all school age etc. Then one got pregnant accidentally, and the other one was really jealous. But now that bubs here, they both say that the whole 'newborn baby' phase is something they've passed, and the one that was jealous is actually kinda happy that she didn't have another, because that part of her life is over. Not that she didn't thoroughly enjoy it at the time, but there are new things to enjoy now.

Hope that makes sense!

[Arimeh]

Tell me off if I'm wrong, but you're obviously very torn over it. Is it possible that the issue isn't having another baby, but realising that if you DON'T have another baby soon, a chapter of your life will be over? As in, you're no longer a baby-mama, you're a toddler-mama...

But thats the funny thing - I like being a toddler-mama much more than a baby-mama!! Toddlers are the absolute best, they're such a ball I love interacting with both of mine, they're a hoot (to steal the phrase )

So its not that I want another baby, I want another toddler... LOL

Marcellus - I'm not trying to convince myself or anyone else of anything.... just trying to nut out what is best for us. Sometimes its not just clear cut ya know? Both options would work for us, just have to find out what is BEST for us.

Rowellen - thanks

Trill - I'm definitely ready for the next stage - but want that next stage to be with 4 kids - ITMS? Which is why its sooooo confusing, because I want 4 kids, but not the pregnancy, birth or baby.. LOL

[onthefly]

That was kinda my point Arimeh - laying out pros and cons doesn't always help you find what's right for you.

So.... you need to clone one of your toddlers maybe?

[Rowellen]

because I want 4 kids, but not the pregnancy, birth or baby.. LOL

Maybe you could adopt. Problem solved. Sorry that's probably not very helpful.

[AnyDream]

I'd be in pain from SPD. Definitely selfish for not wanting to go through some pain for another bub.

Nope definitely not selfish. I can't think of any other human endeavours where people would willingly put themselves through months of agony.

I agree wholeheartedly with Gracious Goddess. You have to find your own place of peace with your decision and it matters to no one except yourself and your DH (weighted towards yourself ).

[Just Me]

But thats the funny thing - I like being a toddler-mama much more than a baby-mama!! Toddlers are the absolute best, they're such a ball I love interacting with both of mine, they're a hoot (to steal the phrase )

I am sooooo glad to find another person who feels like this I don't really enjoy the baby stage that much (though I feel like DD2 has helped me learn to enjoy it a lot more) and I tell people this, they look at me like there is something wrong with me. I simply adore the toddler stage. It is awesome!

Do you know, before I fell pg with this baby I wrote a thread just like this one (that I ended up deleting before I posted it) but my question was more - in spite of all my really good reasons for not having another baby, is it okay to have another one just because I want to? I don't think your reasons are selfish at all. You are just exploring how you feel and I went through exactly the same thoughts that you are going through. I couldn't make up my mind what was right. I had a whole heap of great reasons for not wanting another baby, but the difference for me was that I did think that I wanted another baby though that changed minute by minute. One minute I was so resolute that I didn't want anymore and I was done, the next minute I was crystal clear that I wanted another baby and there was no question about it.

Sorry, that post wasn't particularly helpful to you but I think it is interesting that you are wondering whether your reasons were selfish where I thought that I might be selfish for wanting another baby despite all my great reasons (fairly similar to yours) for not wanting another baby. Nature made up its mind for us, thank goodness because I have peace at last.

Good luck with your decision making because I know what you are going through and it is not an easy choice to make.

[maz]

when do you stop? honestly..will you be happy with 4 or will you want another?
Sometimes we need to draw the line and say know what I tried my best now its time to give the best to myself for the sake of the kids.
they want a healthy mum..not one who is unhappy and full of remorse.
My kids all get along so well....yep I miss not being able tohave another but hey I need to look after my temple and if it means being selfish then so be it, no more babies.

Oh..and babe. I think nearly every woman goes through the torn feeling when their baby hits 6 months

[boobaloo]

having another baby is completely personal, if you don't feel comfortable having another one, for whatever reason, then don't!
i'd love another bub, but i also get hyper-emesis, acid reflux, hormonal uproar etc, and after the crap that my body is still going through from miff's pregnancy, i probably will not have another one. these are selfish reasons, i don't like what happened to my body physically, or my mind mentally and emotionally. sometimes you have to be selfish, because if you have another one, and you're not 100% sure you wanted it in the first place, who knows if you'll resent it?
i know, i know, i'm blabbering now, and i don't even know if i'm making sense..
don't feel like you should have another baby, if you'are not positive, then either give it time to see if you change your mind, or leave it at the 3 beautiful kids you have!

[Nai]

Well for a start, not wanting pain from SPD is NOT a selfish reason. How hard is it on your kids to have you in pain and not able to do stuff? That sort of thing affects everyone including you so you can't write that one off as selfish. Wanting to get fit and healthy? Again, not selfish. I could go on but.....

At the end of the day it is up to you and what you feel that you and your family can deal with - it needs to be a balanced approach and look at all aspects financial, emotional, psychological, physical, logistical etc. Only you and you DH can work out what is best for you and the kids. All reasons are perfectly valid if they impact your family.

[Rouge]

If you're selfish than so am I.

I don't want another baby because:

It takes a lot of pain (emotionally) and possibly MC's to get pregnant. (but if I really wanted another I know this wouldn't be a problem)
I have raised two babies and I like the idea that they are getting more and more dependent each day, which means I am becoming more and more my own person again.
I want to work so we have more money, so my kids can enjoy life more too and I don't want to rely on daycare if I don't have to.
I am excited about the idea of having no kids at home next year
I wanted to have children young so I would be a young mum, and I am still and like the idea that I'll be 43 when my last baby finishes high school. It also means DH and I will be able to still enjoy travelling etc when our kids leave home iykwim?


Now I am lucky enough to have this list, and had I not had any babies I know this list wouldn't mean diddly squat because the wanting of those babies would be more than these issues. But because I was blessed (even with the heartache of loss and LTTTC) means that these issues apply to me now and they are valid reasons for ME. You need to do what is right for you, not compare yourself to others because it is your life iykwim?

[Cherished]

Arimeh you're a hoot, thanks for a giggle in your post hehehe I think all of the things you listed are reasonable dh and I orignially wanted 4 bubs and we've named them all etc. But now we are a little more realistic. We are having this one and are totally ttc #2 asap! But after that we will have a look at how we are going. First thing on my list will be our health (the whole family) both physical and emotional and if for ANY reason there is a problem including weight (as you mentioned) than we wont have another bub until any health issues are resolved. Next on our list would be time and finances, if we don't have time to offer the family unit or the finances to support us all then we would also stop at 2 kids. Our house is big enough to fit the 4 kids we wanted but if it wasn't and we couldn't afford a larger place and it was an issue then that would also stop us having a 3rd let alone the 4th.

[onthefly]

Are you trying to convince yourself or someone else?
You can come up with as many reasons as you like, but at the end of the day I don't know that it's always a 'rational' decision, it's just about what feels right or works best, you know?

[Rowellen]

Just noticed your name change! Nice I like it

[Antheia]

Sometimes we need to be selfish. Being mothers, its not a common thing for us. All your reasons are valid. Theyre the same as mine. I really really want 5 kids. But i doubt i can do another pregnancy. My SPD is at it's worst, i hate feeling fat and not being able to do anything. Having a newborn you can't do much either, especially with having other kids. Honestly, that's that only reason i can give for not having 5. We could happily provide for them financially but i just don't think i could do it physically. And it's totally selfish. DH is happy with 4 but not 100% against 5. It's more if i will regret not having had 5. But 4 is a good bunch and i think after a while i'll be happy. I'm going to have years of laughs and love from them and hopfully lots of grankiddies! So then i can spoil them as much as i would my own children.