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My daughter is 8 and DH isnt her biological father and DH keeps putting it off and constantly has excuses not to tell her and im getting frustrated she needs to know!
Ive been with DH since she was 14 months old, she hasnt seen her bio father since she was 2yrs 2months old!
I need some help what to say & how to get DH to tell her??
RD :hug: my mother also told me when I was 8, and I have a very similar situation to your DD. It really didn't bother me, I considered mum;s DH to be Dad and that was that... the fact that someone else contributed the genetics didn't bother me then and still doesn't now.
I would wait though until DH was comfortable with it.
I've not been in your situation, but why does your DH have to tell her? Can you work out together what you want to say and sit her down together and tell her.
Maybe:
Remember, when X used to visit? Well Mummy and X used to be a couple. Then we broke up.You were made with him and mummy before we broke up.
Dh is your dad because he loves you and raises you. But genetically, he's not. Mummy and DH met after you were born.
I'm sure someone else can help with the exact words. She'll just need to know he loves her as she is, which I'm sure he does
I had no idea what genetics were at that age. I just knew that mummy and daddy made me, and then dad left soon after, and later mum met someone she loved who raised me and loved me as his own.
Is there any books or websites that could help give ideas how to word it and explain it in terms that she will understand?
Yeah I bet there's a picture story book... Go check your local library!
Not the same situation really, but my sister and i have different fathers, she is 14 years younger than me and my parents (being my mum and step dad) were stressing about how and when to tell her. I decided i would tell her and i think she was about 5. she didnt really get it then, i think she was just too young, she asked a few questions and was happy with the answers and that was it, but i made sure it was talked about from time to time, not big D&Ms, just comments and answered any questions. it was never an issue as we were always really open about it and we never think of each other as half sisters.
IMO its better to do it sooner rather than later, so its no like you have been keeping from her, but you also have to make sure DH is ready to tell her, maybe sit down with him and have a proper chat about it, make him think of the down points of leaving it too long compared with telling her now when she is likely to be more accepting of it.
He might be worried about saying things like ''im not your real daddy'' to her, but there is no need to say that, there are different ways to word it that still gets the facts over without taking anything away from thier relationship.
Im thinking about the relationship i have with my step dad, although i think of him as my dad. i have from about 6 years old, There are different meanings to the word 'father'....in my mind a father is the person who loves you, cares for you, gives you structure in your life and a role model to look up too.....not the DNA which created you. if you can translate that to something an 8 year old can understand it might be a good place to start.
I do think this is something that should probably be explained by you, or with both you and your hubby. I don't think you should wait any longer either. If you leave it too long, it will become a real big deal, and she will feel betrayed and lied to. But if you tell her now, and make out like it is not a big deal, then she will likely agree with you that it isn't a big deal either.
just want to say :hug: and good luck.
i was 7 i think when my mum told me my dad, wasnt my "real" dad, they were never together, and she had been with my step dad since i was about 18 months. i remember she sat me down with my baby book, and showed me a photo of a man in a army uniform standing between grandma & gramps, she explained how the "step dad" thing worked and how the guy in the pic was my "biological father" but also made it absolutle clear that it did not change a thing, i had asked my step dad when i was 3 if i could call him dad, he was wraped, and if i wanted to continue to do so, it was my decission. he wasnt there for "the talk" but gave me a hug and asked how i felt after i "knew"
good luck, and your right, she dose need to know! i remeber i felt a little wierd for a few days or so, but after that, life went back to normal and i never realy thought about it untill i was a tennager and mum started with the "ill send you to live with your father" i met him for the first time when i was 14, but still refer to my step dad as dad, even tho he and mum have been split for arround 8 yrs now.
She doesnt remeber her bio dad I think was too young!
My mum has kept a photo of her bio dad for when the time came, which i guess is lucky, I can get a pic off FB though, we have 14 mutual friends considering we went to school together!
What do I tell her and what do i leave out, ill share a quick story you know where its all coning from
I met X in high school when I was 16 we got together and when I was 17 I fell pregnant with DD, X decided the baby wasnt his and refused to have anything to do with me, he orderd DNA testing which of course came back positive, he was in and out of her life until she was 14 months when I met DH and moved 4 hours away, I then got summoned to court and he had fortnightly supervised access this went on for 5 months when she 26 months old he decided with his uni & work he didnt have time to travel to see her so stood back and hasnt seen her since.
He now has another child, emily, shes 2 now do we tell DD1 about her sister? Hes now an architect in Melbourne and his GF is a Lawyer! (whom I hope isnt a BB member, if you are then im sorry & please speak up)
tell her ASAP!!!~ doesnt matter how, just do it.
i accidently foubd out on my own accord when i was 15 that who i thought was my dad actually wasnt and it took me a very long time to come to grips with it. i had no sense of identity for such a long time. i wish my mum had told me sooner
Have you discussed with DH how you are going to feel/react if DD decides later on in life she wants to get to know her bio dad? That has just come up in our family.
Both of my parents were previously married and my brother and sister were the product of my mum's first marriage. I am the product of my mum's second and my dad's third marriages (dad's now onto wife number four!). My mum and dad got together when my sister was one and my brother two years old. I was born a few years later.
We were never told that dad was not my brother and sister's biological father. When I was turning 14 I went hunting for my birthday presents (as you do!) and I found some official paperwork relating to changing my brother and sisters' surname. It wasn't too hard to put it all together (they look very alike and I look very different, they had always teased me that I was adopted!). I confronted my mum with what I knew a few days later. She was shocked and unprepared and initially denied that it was true. A couple of days later mum and dad sat us all down and told us the truth.
My brother had figured out the truth a few years earlier but had never said anything for fear of hurting dad. My sister was utterly shocked and found it very difficult to cope. Even now, almost 20 years late, my sister feels betrayed and abandoned. Betrayed that our dad had 'deceived' her and abandoned by her biological father (whom she has contacted by doesn't maintain a relationship with).
Having lived this situation and seen the effect it has had, particularly on my sister, my advice to you is to tell your DD now. Don't wait. You and your DH need to sit down together and answer all her questions honestly. Reassure her that her dad is still her dad and loves her just as much as if she carried her DNA. She needs to feel confident that her dad loves her as much as he loves his biological children. A dad is someone who raises a child, not someone who contributes some genes and walks away.
I would not tell her yet of her half sister unless she asks. It was one of the first questions my siblings and I wanted answered - are there more of us? But we were older and your DD may not ask yet. When she does ask, you must be honest. If she hasn't asked in the next few months I would find a time to tell her, it's important that she knows you have been honest and told her the whole truth.
Good luck. Oh, and for your DH - both my brother and sister consider my dad to be just as much their dad. He is the man who raised them, supported them and loved them. A family is a lot more than genetics.:hug:
I can not speak from experience, but maybe explain to her that's mum's an dad's come in all forms and they get to be parents in different ways, but the REAL meaning of Dad is your DH. The one who loves and cares for her, and will be there forever!
Maybe even explain to her that her and her dad's relationship is even MORE special because he CHOSE to be her dad, unlike someone who it just 'happens' to. And that how lucky she is, out of ALL the little girls in the world, she's the one he wanted to look after.
Todd Parr has a book about Families that might help open up the conversation- i think it goes something like "some families are big, some families are small....some families have two mums...... " and talks about different types of families
ETA It's called "The Family Book" by Todd Parr
Thanks guys!
Dh is petrified of loosing her he seems to think that she will hate him he literally almost gets himself in tears about it. I try so hard to reassure him and his comeback is "she is always gonna be your daughter no matter you cant change that & neither can she but Im not her dad biologically and she might not want to call me dad anymore"
We have different views on this I believe that she asks to contact her bio dad then we should do it & he is dead against it
I have no experience with this specific situation however I do have a suggestion that might help before you have the conversation.
I'd recommend drafting up a question and answer document. Try and anticipate the questions she will ask then write down the answers you will give. If you do this with your DH then that might help him deal with his fears about telling her. You might feel a bit dumb writing it down but it really does help. There would be nothing worse than her asking a question that you don't have an answer to. Or worse, you giving an answer that DH then contradicts you on.
Good luck.
Fiona
The contact with bio dad issue is causing friction in my family at the moment :(. I personally think honesty and transparency is the right way to go.:
My older sister wants to get to know her bio dad's family (not him, because he died) and I really really don't. My step dad doesn't want us to either. But it would be much easier on all of us if we were just left to decide what we wanted to do and freely do that with no fear of hurting others etc.
All I can suggest, from personal experience, is the earlier she is told the better, and likely the less interested she will be in hunting him down.
Hope it goes well for you :hug:.
:
Yep my understanding was something like that too. I never thought dad was my dad, I just always knew.
As you know I believe she needs to know. and as you I wasa child who grew up with my stepdad(dad) He will always be my dad. I know how DH must feel because I know the bond he has with DD. But in the end he is theone who has been therefor her and shewill see that in time. There may be tears but as youhave said she will figure it out if you don't tell her soon. I can also be there if you want me to or you can get a counsellor to sit in on it. All will be okay xoxo
:hug: What a hard situation for you all to be in. I really feel for your DH and perhaps he needs a little more time. Does it REALLY matter if she does not know? (just throwing questions out there) She has known no different all these years.:
Have you thought about how your DD will be affected? How she WILL feel neglected from her bio donor (I say donor because your DH is her dad) for all these years - Questions like 'Why doesnt he want to know ME?' I knew from a young age i had a step father, stopped seeing my donor at 4, still have vague memories of him, your DD wouldnt though. During my teenage years, I often threw the whole 'I WANT TO LIVE WITH MY DAD!!!' in their face. Left home at 15, to 'try' to find my father, and they *couldnt* find him (I think he denied contact or whatever) But then I thought - Hmmm, I lived in the same house for 13 years, HE never made any attempt to come see me afterwards, why should I make contact with him? HE does not deserve MY time.
I personally think the bio donor has no RIGHT to your DD at all. HE ABANDONED HER!!! That is the cold hard truth. Whatever excuse he gave you was just that - an Excuse. He was not man enough to help you support your DD when you needed it.
I also think there is going to have to be a compromise on how you both tell her and when. If the 2 of you cannot agree on something, I would wait until you are both ready to face the reality of questions your DD is going to have and the emotional side, because she will feel all of the above emotions, anger, hurt, neglect, abandonment etc
I do like what Kimmi said about how your DH CHOSE to be HER dad.
Good Luck with everything.
Unfortunately the problem is that a secret like this cannot be kept in todays society. She will find out at some stage, the only thing that can possibly be controlled and make a difference to her reaction is when and how she finds out. If no-one sits her down and talks to her, she will find out in her own way and it won't be pretty. If not when she turns sixteen and wants a drivers liscence (which requires a birth certificate), then when she is a young adult and wants a passport. The longer it is left, the more it is going to hurt.:
As much as I feel for your DH in this Raising Dancers, he is actually being very selffish about he's refusal to tell. He is more concerned about how this is going to affect him, and how she is going to react to him, then what is in her best interests. It is understandable he is getting wrapped up in his own problems, but he is going to have to face his fears at some point, and the longer it is left, the more likely his fears will actually become a reality, because she will start to 'blame' him for not telling her earlier.
I actually think given your DH's emotional state in regards to this, that perhaps it is best for you to talk to your DD alone about this. Explain that your DH always has been and always will be her dad, but that she was actually conceived by another man. Explain to her that her father (your DH) loves her very much and be honest that he is scared that she may see him differently or treat him differently, and that he is scared of loosing her now she knows the truth. And that the reason he is so scared is because he loves her sooo much and to him SHE is his daughter, no matter what.
Hi, I haven't read all the replies, but feel I need to add my experiences in.
FIL is not DH's real father. He & MIL got together when DH was 6, so he's always known, but our kids don't.
FIL will always be DH's dad. No question about it. We've met the donor once. Thats enough. We do try to keep in contact with his younger brother & sister from his dad, but its not really the same...
We have started to let onto DD1 since talking to the other 2 siblings. They know they have another aunt & uncle, dad has another sister who died (a few years ago now) & that nanny had a boyfriend before poppy & thats when dad was born.
One day it will click, but if it was possible, I'd never tell them. I know they need to know though.
i just wanted to add my bit lol
my dad is not my brothers dad, my mum fell pg at 17 and he stuck around for a little while but then they split and my mum met my dad when my brother was about 2 and moved from melbourne to perth, they told my brother at about 8 and told him he had the choice to contact his bio dad and to this day my brother hasnt wanted to. my mum has lost complete contact with him now so we have no idea where he is or if hes even alive anymore let alone if my bro has any other brothers or sister. my bro has always call my dad 'dad' and always will.
just a thought, would your dh want to legally adopt your dd. it got to a point where my bro was going to school and what not and even though he was using my dads last name his birth certificate said a different story so just to make it official when my bro was about 13 my dad adopted him. it didnt change anything except his last name, but it also reassured my bro that my dad does and always will love and be there for my brother. any boy can make a baby but it takes a real man to raise one.
i hope this make sense :confused:
and i hope the talk goes well. Goodluck with it all :hug:
I think it would be a really good idea to see the advice and guidance of a child pychologist... to help you, your DH and your DD. They would be able to help you find the right words and explanations, and tools to deal with any possibly fallout. It doesn't mean you have to take your DD - just you can seek some guidance. just a suggestion.
Good luck :hug:
It gets more complicated here..
X wouldnt sign the birth cirtificate for DD unless I used his last name, which i refused too, he wouldnt even let me hyphernate it, it was his name or nothing, soooo DH signed it, therfore his name is on her BC as her father! Yes our lawyer knows about this, so does child support they called and said i would have to change it if i wanted maintenance so I told them to tell him to stick his money!
Maybe look at the language used by adoptive parents to explain things to their adopted children for your DD and DH? Thing is, he is actually her Dad in every way that matters, he just didn't biologically contribute to her conception.
Is there some reason you want to do this now/soon? Because I think making sure your DH is comfortable with how it's going to be done and when should come first. She's still only young, it's not going to make a difference if she doesn't find out for six more months, a year, whatever, while you and DH get prepared.
GL.
Yes! She has started to ask many questions like why isnt dad in my baby pics, why isnt his name on my birth announcment & how come it says I have a different last name etc etc:
You have almost my exact situation!
I have never met my biological father (he left my mum soon after I was born) but my mum has been with my 'dad' since I was about 1. My dad has always treated me like his daughter, prob just like your dh does.
My parents hadn't told me but I found out when I was 9. I confronted my mum and was very angry at her for a long time - fir no other reason than she hadn't told me.
I had found out through my baby book and noticed I had a different last name to that which I had always used... It was a really hard way to learn the truth and I had a few emotional issues re it for a long time to come.
From my perspective I would encourage you both to tell her together. Make sure she feels loved and reassure her she is no different to any other kids you have together. I had asked my parents that we not tell my brothers and sisters - they are obviously all younger than me and as we were young I was scared they would think of me differently if they knew I wasn't their actual sister. they obviously all found out as they were old enough to understand.
I'm not sure that this has helped but I would strongly encourage you to tell her before she finds out herself. It will be so much easier coming from you.
xx.
No advice just hugs :hug:
You know, to be honest, I would answer her questions honestly as she asks them. Kids are naturally curious and as they get answers they adapt and move onto the next thing. I was adopted and I don't remember ever being told, so it was always just a "known". My first reaction re: your DH was he is so scared of losing her. The thing is... I highly doubt that would EVER happen... it's a much more special thing to have been chosen by someone than to "have to love" me... get what I mean? However, having said that he might need to prepare himself in years to come for the "you're not my real dad" line in the middle of an argument. I think that if she finds out of her own accord later on that it will cause and wreak a whole lot more havoc than it ever would be answering her questions now. :hug:
This is on his mind a fair bit, shes going through a major attitude problem at the moment so shes bound to say it!:
We told her once, when she was 3 and she went out to the plumber & asked him if he was her other Dad, we never kept it on, it was forgotten about and here we are!
DH loves her to death and I know he is petrified, he actually wants to never tell her, hence why I hate bringing it up with him it tends to turn into an argument!
She might use that line, but perhaps not really mean it. To be honest, since she is asking questions, I wouldn't delay any further at all. Delaying the truth just felt like lies to me, IYKWIM?:
Maybe your DD is going to take this much better than you both realise :). Sounds like your DH is a great father and she recognises that already.
Best of luck with it, I've been thinking of you.
xoxo
M
I realise I'm comming in late, I just wonder what course have you taken?
My ds has a different bio-father as well his last name is different than the rest of the family. Dh has been his Dad since he was 14months, last time we saw his bio was when he was 18months. We did hear from him once he was 3 but not since and ds is almost 13 now. I still have the same mobile number which we deliberatly have not changed as his bio has the number.
From memory we sat down and told ds that his Dad was not his bio about 3 or 4.
We have never kept it from him. He knows and has accepted dh is his dad. Of course he has asked questions from time to time, and about 4 years ago there were plenty of questions when he met a family where the children saw a lot of their bio and wanted to know why he didn't see his. That was tricky. All I could say was he was a good man ,and he was, he just made stupid decisions and no doubt he loved him but I couldn't answer his question cause I really didn't know why he didn't see him.
Together we told him my side of the truth and told him that his bio would have a different story as there are always two sides to every story.
Once he was 10 we let him decide which surname he wanted to use as his is hyphinated and he chose my maiden name. He wanted to use Dh's but had trouble spelling it so chose mine.
We explained to him that Dh although he did not share genetics, is his Dad,
He is the one who patches up scrapes and rubs the bruses,
tucks him in at night and
plays with him,
he knows his favourite colour and
all his likes and
dislikes and
protects him when things go wrong.
He loves him with all his heart even though
he is not techinacly blood and
that blood really is a state of mind.
Dh would give his life for his if thats what was called for.
We have to date not had any "your not my Dad" type comments from ds.
I can understand the apprehension.
I Hope no matter your decision, what ever you decide go's well.
Just to add DH was addopted from birth and was told very young as well, which really helped our decision. DH has a strong sence of who he is and where he comes from and has never met his bio Mother or wants to know her. Which is sort of sad, but "the people who raised me are my parents" his words.
Good luck.
Still havnt told her *sigh*
Oh Hon it sound like not telling her is upsetting you. For this I am sorry.
I am firmly in the tell her group.
I can only really guide you with the direction my IL'S and we took.
Both my dh and ds have a strong sense of who they are. They both know the truth and were told as soon as they were old enough to understand. For each child this time is different. To be honest I was the one with reservations on telling ds the truth. But for us it has worked out.
Ds has said to me in the past he's pleased to have a Dad that chose to be in his life.
I just asked him if this is still how he feels he said yes and that dh is his Dad and his bio dosn't count as he has not been in his life since he was a baby and that he dosn't even remember him.
If you do tell her;
I'm sure your dd will have plenty of questions for you, as long as your open and honest I don't think you'll have any problems. Don't forget to mention to her that her Dad has chosen her to be his daughter. (Very important I feel) He chose her to be his daughter, he could have chosen any little girl but he chose her. Ds said this makes him happy knowing that his Dad chose him.
You have my Love and support with this delicate issue. No matter which road you take.
I'll tell you my story:
I was born on my mum's 16th birthday. She split from my biological dad before I was even born. She got together with "dad" when I was a month old. The decided that since I was so young, that they'd just let me believe that my "dad" was my real dad.
Fast forward 17 years and mum and dad separate for a few months. During that time, my mum tells me that "dad" isn't my real dad.
Hurt, angry, feeling like my life as I knew it had all been a lie. My sister is my half sister, I'm not the daughter I thought I was to dad.
I still have some issues with other family members knowing the truth and I didn't. It's all good now, but now and again things come out about people knowing before I did and that really gets to me.
She DOES need to know, you're right!
Just tell her the way of it. Explain how things were for you guys. She'll understand more than you think she will. And ask her if she has any questions because I'm sure she'll have plenty :hug:
:hug:
Hey hun, just wanted to share something my brother has just been through.
Brother = S, XSIL = B, her new DP = J, child = H & my niece = A
B had 2 girls when she started dating my brother, H was only 3 i think and had never met her dad.
Up until recently H had basically assumed (and not been corrected) that S was her father, that she and her younger sister A were both his but that her older sister did have and always saw her real father.
S & B split, S still takes A every week for the weekend and has been taking H every couple of w/ends.
B is now with and PG to J so they thought it was about time that they explained to her that S is NOT her real father.
Basically S, B & J all gathered at B's house and explained to her that no S is not her real dad but it does NOT change the way any of them feel about her or the fact that they love her, she basically asked the name of her real dad and then S took her for the w/end to prove that he is still there for her 100%.
Now i know it will be a little different for you but if you do decide to tell her is there any way that you could organise it to happen on a day where your DH can take her out and spoil her and show her that no matter what happens he's still her dad, he's still there for her and in no way will anything change for her?
Thats a sweet story ZF.
Every single night i say im gonna tell her, im gonna tell her, I even had the perfect oppurtunity when she asked questions about the situation on Neighbours but I thought about it too much and didnt, I hate that shes almost 9 & we are still lying to her.
I just want her to know the truth thats all & I am too scared of hurting DH's feelings
:hug: hun, can you sit down with him and tell him you REALLY want to tell her now, explain why and that it's not to point out that he's NOT her dad but more the fact that no matter what he's her REAL father (IYKWIM)