Thanks guys!

Dh is petrified of loosing her he seems to think that she will hate him he literally almost gets himself in tears about it. I try so hard to reassure him and his comeback is "she is always gonna be your daughter no matter you cant change that & neither can she but Im not her dad biologically and she might not want to call me dad anymore"

We have different views on this I believe that she asks to contact her bio dad then we should do it & he is dead against it
What a hard situation for you all to be in. I really feel for your DH and perhaps he needs a little more time. Does it REALLY matter if she does not know? (just throwing questions out there) She has known no different all these years.

Have you thought about how your DD will be affected? How she WILL feel neglected from her bio donor (I say donor because your DH is her dad) for all these years - Questions like 'Why doesnt he want to know ME?' I knew from a young age i had a step father, stopped seeing my donor at 4, still have vague memories of him, your DD wouldnt though. During my teenage years, I often threw the whole 'I WANT TO LIVE WITH MY DAD!!!' in their face. Left home at 15, to 'try' to find my father, and they *couldnt* find him (I think he denied contact or whatever) But then I thought - Hmmm, I lived in the same house for 13 years, HE never made any attempt to come see me afterwards, why should I make contact with him? HE does not deserve MY time.

I personally think the bio donor has no RIGHT to your DD at all. HE ABANDONED HER!!! That is the cold hard truth. Whatever excuse he gave you was just that - an Excuse. He was not man enough to help you support your DD when you needed it.

I also think there is going to have to be a compromise on how you both tell her and when. If the 2 of you cannot agree on something, I would wait until you are both ready to face the reality of questions your DD is going to have and the emotional side, because she will feel all of the above emotions, anger, hurt, neglect, abandonment etc

I do like what Kimmi said about how your DH CHOSE to be HER dad.

Good Luck with everything.