Teaching Abstinence to our children, what are your views?

*Friendly debate/discussion topic...remember, an opinion is not a judgement, we can have differing views without cracking the sads ;)*


Sparked from a few comments I've seen on Facebook today.

What do you think about teaching your children abstinence as a form of contraceptive/preventitive against STD's? Do you believe it's an effective form of sexual education? What are your views based on? Religion, personal experience? Is there maybe a middle ground? Or is it all just sheltering children from the realities of life, and a big fat recipe for disaster?

I'd probably try to encourage abstinence until you find someone you 100% trust... but then follow up my speech with "But if you can't, heres a condom..."
My parents preached safe sex, only with someone you love, wait as long as you can etc etc... I've only ever had sex with DH so something musta sunk in.

I won't be teaching my kids abstinence, I think it's a recipe for disaster. I will teach them to respect themselves and to wait for the right time or person, how to cope with pressure to have sex and of course safe sex.

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I won't be teaching my kids abstinence, I think it's a recipe for disaster. I will teach them to respect themselves and to wait for the right time or person, how to cope with pressure to have sex and of course safe sex.

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I 100% agree with that. I think abstinence is an unrealistic expectation. It never worked in days gone by it definitely wouldn't now, sex is so socially acceptable and is not as taboo as it once was..

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I won't be teaching my kids abstinence, I think it's a recipe for disaster. I will teach them to respect themselves and to wait for the right time or person, how to cope with pressure to have sex and of course safe sex.

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My thoughts precicely - DP on the other hand may disagree as he is sure his girls will not be dating until they are 30 ;) - seriously though he also agrees that if they have a healthy self-esteem and the right support they will end up having sex for the right reasons and in a safe way.

ETA - I would be a hypocrite if I taught them anything else as I was 15 and had sex with my boyfriend who I did love (in a 15yo intense way) and I have no regrets.

:think: Mmhh... Interesting topic!

My mum never taught us abstinence, she was always very open and explained everything we need to know about sex and STD's. (Mind you, I got informed about it all by my cousin and didn't really wanna talk to mum about it. :lol:)
I only ever had sex with DF. I think because mum was open about it and never 'forbid' us to do it, we kinda weren't that fast to try it out. I think it has something to do with the "forbidden fruit" theory... When you forbid something, THAT is the thing they wanna do! It kinda makes it more interesting. :dunno: Does that make sense?

Im a big fan of 'harm minimisation' (i think its cause of the nurse in me), basically it means, you can tell people black and blue not to due something, it might work on some, but wont work on everyone (nothing does) so for those it doesn't make sure if they are going to do it, they do it in a safe way. this isn't just in terms of sex, also things like needle exchanges so people who do use them use clean needles and dont share etc, to limit infection.
in terms of sex, a safe way is with 2 consenting adults, ill hopefully make sure my children dont rush, they do it with someone they trust and respect, dont have to love them, but if both parties are of sound mind and consent. and both take resposibility for any consequences of their actions (same with anything), and that means protection as consequences include pg, sti's etc..

simply, i wont be pushing it and encouraging it, but will help them do it in a safe way if they do, and if that means supplying them with condoms fine.

even simpler.. no i dont think teaching absinence works

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I 100% agree with that. I think abstinence is an unrealistic expectation. It never worked in days gone by it definitely wouldn't now, sex is so socially acceptable and is not as taboo as it once was..

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I agree 100% also and with tinks our children are subjected to sexual visualization at such a young age that drilling abstinence is going to be a hard slap in the face.. But I do wish it wasn't a topic I would find hard to deal with when it comes to my children. Point being sex sells these days and unless I can retreat into the Village and shut out the outside world I don't think my words would sink in and be kept close to their heart, I could see it easily becoming the "what mum doesn't know won't hurt her" situation and that is something I couldn't live with Itms?
That's my babble anyway lol

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I won't be teaching my kids abstinence, I think it's a recipe for disaster. I will teach them to respect themselves and to wait for the right time or person, how to cope with pressure to have sex and of course safe sex.

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This - I will aim to be open and honest and allow my kids to be them selves around me - and hopefully the open and honest relationship I have with my kids will mean that they will be able to tell me if they are thinking about it...

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I won't be teaching my kids abstinence, I think it's a recipe for disaster. I will teach them to respect themselves and to wait for the right time or person, how to cope with pressure to have sex and of course safe sex.

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Exactly the more you say don't do it they will want too, its more education about self respect and respect of others. My parents were open with us I did not DTD till I was about 20 with a guy I did love, I do not regret it at all.

Professor and I will be teaching abstinence for religious reasons. Having said that though, it won't just be 'don't even think about sex til you're married', which is kinda how we were both raised. It will be frequent honest and open discussions, age appropriate of course, about sex and hormones and desires and masturbation and respect for yourself and the people around you. Yes, the ultimate goal is to abstain until marriage, but not by closing their eyes to sex.

I hope that makes sense :)

I need to re write as I lost my whole post

i tend to agree with Tinks (and Teirae - harm minimisation is key)

I will be encouraging abstinence because it is the best protection against babies and other STDs but I will also back that up with 'the talk' about safe sex, birth control and no means no.

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I won't be teaching my kids abstinence, I think it's a recipe for disaster. I will teach them to respect themselves and to wait for the right time or person, how to cope with pressure to have sex and of course safe sex.

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Can't say it any better than you have, Tinks. It's what we have / are doing with our (older) kids & we're happy with how things are going so far.

Just to add - I think expecting abstinance is unreasonable, I don't think offering it as an option is though. They need to know, just because everyone else is, doesn't mean they have to, too.

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I won't be teaching my kids abstinence, I think it's a recipe for disaster. I will teach them to respect themselves and to wait for the right time or person, how to cope with pressure to have sex and of course safe sex.

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I agree with you also Tinks.
I have been open and honest and I can say that it has worked very well :D

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I won't be teaching my kids abstinence, I think it's a recipe for disaster. I will teach them to respect themselves and to wait for the right time or person, how to cope with pressure to have sex and of course safe sex.

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Another who agrees with you tinks :)


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I will be encouraging abstinence. I believe our culture is so sexualised that children need to be taught that they have the right to say no. They also need to be aware of the real consequences of becoming sexually active, and how those consequences can be prevented if they take that step. My son will make his own choices, but I am more than happy to encourage him to wait until he really feels ready before he takes that leap.

i wouldndt' preach abstinence, but i would like it to be an option for my kids. Definitely respect and safety are the key things, and that means having open and frank conversations as well as trying to raise my kids with healthy self esteems.

My older boys know that they can come to me or DH about everything and anything and that nothing is a taboo subject in our house.
I have been as open and honest as I can be from an early age with them even with the stuff that makes me feel a bit uncomfortable :redface: Try explaining premature ejaculation to a 10 yr old :rolleyes: (he heard it on a radio ad)

I strongly believe that the more you know the less you need to find out. So fingers crossed they wont feel the need to experience stuff they arent ready for just because they were curious about it.

However they also know that if they do decide they want to take the next step, hopefully with someone they trust and respect, then there are condoms available no questions asked in the bathroom drawer.

I already talk to DS about abstainence - in an age-appropriate way!

However, that doesn't mean I won't talk to him about safe sex when that is more appropriate. I just want him to know from a young age that waiting until marriage isn't a bad thing.

I will teach my kids abstinence as the best way to safeguard themselves against STI's, unwanted pregnancy, and the utter heartbreak of making a decision to take that step with someone only for it not to mean as much to them as it did to you. I know many couples who have managed abstinence until marriage (I was not one of them) and it has worked really well for them. I will not do what my mother did which was to try and stop me from ever having sex without explaining why (other than it is not a Christian thing to do). I do think she was coming from a good place but she avoided the issues and just let me find my own way through them.

However I will also be teaching my kids safe sex for if and when they do decide to have sex, and will be keeping a supply of condoms in an accessible safe in the house. I don't care if they use them for water balloons as long as if they do need one they can get one.

I really don't have a leg to stand on when it comes to teaching DD abstinence. I was only with DP 2 months before I fell pregnant.
Geez, my Dad's a pastor!! Although, never lead a church he's done his 'training'.

I'll be teaching her to use a condom, as DP and I never did. Thats why DD is around.

I remember when I was 17 my sister was getting married. When my Mum found out that my sister and BIL had DTD she went off her rocker and tried to call off the wedding. I think that was mainly because they were both in YWAM, which is 'christian college/missions group'.

But I never cared what my folks thought.
I don't want DD to end up like me. Barely 19 with a 6mo..

I'm thinking this thread proves that open communication and education is the key here, not whether you DTD younger, older, married or not.. Interesting thread PZ.

I think you're right there, Blessedatlast. Most of us would agree that only teaching our kids that abstinence is the way to avoid unplanned pregnancy and STI's is irresponsible, but the flip side is that unless you homeschool them their entire lives, they are also going to be taught safe sex and contraception at school.

What they most likely WONT be taught is self respect, the value of true consent and only taking that step when they are ready, not when peer pressure, boyfriend/girlfriend, hormones or a few drinks says they're ready. That is something that we as parents have to instil in them, a sense of values and the belief that they are worthwhile.

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I will be encouraging abstinence because it is the best protection against babies and other STDs but I will also back that up with 'the talk' about safe sex, birth control and no means no.

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Yeah that!

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I'd probably try to encourage abstinence until you find someone you 100% trust... but then follow up my speech with "But if you can't, heres a condom..."
My parents preached safe sex, only with someone you love, wait as long as you can etc etc... I've only ever had sex with DH so something musta sunk in.

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Same here. My mum told me it was only when you were married and in love and so I never wanted to do it before I got married. She gave me the impression she didn't do it until after she was married and I didn't want to disappoint her! Then I met DH when we were 16 and we'd been going out for a while and I was thinking about it. I remember asking mum if she has sex before she was married. She confessed she had but only with Dad and they were engaged, lol. So then I decided it was ok and I did when I was 17 but now he's my DH :)

So I think I might let them think I didn't do it til I was married :rofl:

I'll be teaching my kids abstinence for religious reasons, but with the right religious message... I heard a bit about it on a DVD the other day and it made sense to me so when I need to, I'll go back to that and revisit the topic.

Anyway - I will talk openly about my own sexual experiences with my kids, that yes I did have sex before I was married but I was a bit young and didn't really know what I was doing... Once I got right with God again i decided to wait until I was married. And I did!

I tell ya, that was a very interesting second date... "I'll have the chicken thanks, by the way, no sex until we are married!" :rofl:

Seeing that I don't see marriage as something that I would necessarily want my kids to aspire to unless they want it (I do want them to have a long term loving partner of whatever gender they prefer but don't think marriage is the be all and end all) so I can't really talk about sex before marriage. I have no religious or cultural basis to make any expectations of them and I think that it is my responsibility to teach them to think for themselves and have the self-belief that they will do what is right for them and do it for the right reasons.

Just as an aside - if your child came out as being gay and hence they are unable to get married (as the law currently stands), how would you approach sex with them from that perspective and would it make a difference if you had a son or daughter making this decision?

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Just as an aside - if your child came out as being gay and hence they are unable to get married (as the law currently stands), how would you approach sex with them from that perspective and would it make a difference if you had a son or daughter making this decision?

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For me, it wouldn't change anything - but then I'm not religious or hold any kind of prejudices about gay/lesbian/bisexual sexuality. Plus I think that law is rather disgusting and discriminatory, but that's a whole other debate. I would like to think that I will be able to have the kind of relationship with my kids that they could come to me and talk to me about their feelings and know that they'll be accepted the way they are.

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Same here. My mum told me it was only when you were married and in love and so I never wanted to do it before I got married. She gave me the impression she didn't do it until after she was married and I didn't want to disappoint her! Then I met DH when we were 16 and we'd been going out for a while and I was thinking about it. I remember asking mum if she has sex before she was married. She confessed she had but only with Dad and they were engaged, lol. So then I decided it was ok and I did when I was 17 but now he's my DH :)

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My Mum did the same thing to me. Except I didn't find out until after she was dead when my sister pointed out that if you did the maths she was pregnant before she was married. I wish I could have a word to her about that and maybe a bit of a finger waggle lol.

Interesting & thought provoking thread!

For me, I want my DD to be able to come to me & talk openly about sex, mastrubation etc... I want her to respect herself enough that she can make this decision and as long as she is comfortable engaging in sex etc... with someone whom she cares about/loves then that is ok. We were told at school (catholic p.s.) no sex before marriage but I didn't understand why. I also had a somewhat fear of sex b/c of the unknown through lack of understanding & discussion. This is b/c my mum was never open to discussing sex - I learnt the gist of the birds & the bees from my older sister....

From an epidemiological POV, research has shown that abstinence only sex education programs fail in either maintaining chastity/virginity and preventing STDs or unplanned pregnancies. In fact, they're worse.

Whilst I think any good sex education program, whether at school or at home, should include abstinence as an option in terms of not surcoming to pressure, self-respect, exercising good taste etc, it's not the be all, end all.

Assuming people want to marry, the marriage age is rising. I see no benefit to a life of frustration and chastity until you're 30 odd though obviously it's a personal choice. There seems to be an assumption that sex = bad. Whilst I agree sometimes sex can be poor, it's not bad per se with consenting adults. That seems like a strange perception to me.

And as Nai pointed out, many people choose not to marry. Or are not given the option.

Some interesting links:
Abstinence and Sex Education
Abstinence-Only Sex Education Statistics – Final Nail in the Coffin

Personally I'm going to be very open with sex at home. I won't be 100% pushing abstinence, but I will be suggesting strongly that they wait until they are 100% sure.

I was raised to believe that the human body is a beautiful thing and that sex is something that should be done between those that love each other. Of course I totally ignored this and while I don't regret my first, I do regret a lot of things about other partners. Yes I wish I had waited for more meaningful relationships.

Sopdet I like that - meaningful relationships - as opposed to the idea of waiting for marriage. Pretty much for the reasons Nai gave, marriage might not be what they go for, it might not be realistic, if they are gay it might not be legal.

I want my children to value sex, I think it has become something of a throw-away item, having said that they know where the condoms are and are able to take what they need as they please. They can take them for their friends as well.

One of my proudest mummy moments was when Panda told me 'I was just telling S about how supportive you are and I told her she should talk to her parents about it'.
Made me feel like 'phew! I got something right' :p

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Just as an aside - if your child came out as being gay and hence they are unable to get married (as the law currently stands), how would you approach sex with them from that perspective and would it make a difference if you had a son or daughter making this decision?

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For me it would be exactly the same. Gay, straight, male, female. I just want them to know safe sex, and be in a relationship they are truly comfortable in. I want them to know they can say no, but I also want them to be confident enough in themselves that when they yes, they really mean yes. I don't want shame around sex, I want them to know it's natural. My parents are still pretty to this day funny about sex, I could never go to them with questions and apart from the very technical details of how a baby can be made, I was told very little. My dad was funny when it came to me with boys, I think he still would like to think of me as a virgin. Yet, my brothers were able to have there girlfriends stay over etc. I spent most of my teen years believing that I was somehow dirty for even thinking about sex. These are issues I have only come to terms with in recent years. I don't want my children to ever feel like that.



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really, really interesting thread, PZ!

we will be teaching abstinence as a package deal, about the value and beauty of sex, relationships, self worth, and our bodies.

we will however seek to raise them in a way that makes them feel they could come to us openly if they have decided to sleep with their partner, or slipped on a banana peel (or bottle of passion pop) and woken up in someone's bed ...

I disagree with PPs that abstinence is unrealistic - I know have 20 or so friends who have waited until marriage, and dozens more who waited until they were engaged. And frankly, I don't know anyone who regretted that decision.

That being said, I know loads more people who did not choose to wait. Some have regrets, some don't. But that's their choice.

So I would want my kids to understand safe sex and to be informed about STIs, unplanned pregnancies and other possibilities, so that if they make decisions

I believe however that a big part of my responsibility as a parent is to raise our kids the way we think is best - including sharing with them our values and beliefs.

But I also believe that it's our responsibility to ensure that they feel safe to raise ask questions, discuss other opinions and beliefs and form their own positions in a safe and non judgmental environment.

My parents had firm views on a lot of things. I don't agree with all of them, but I can talk to them about any of them in an open and honest way. I'd like the same to be true of my relationship with my kids.

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really, really interesting thread, PZ!

we will be teaching abstinence as a package deal, about the value and beauty of sex, relationships, self worth, and our bodies.

we will however seek to raise them in a way that makes them feel they could come to us openly if they have decided to sleep with their partner, or slipped on a banana peel (or bottle of passion pop) and woken up in someone's bed ...

I disagree with PPs that abstinence is unrealistic - I know have 20 or so friends who have waited until marriage, and dozens more who waited until they were engaged. And frankly, I don't know anyone who regretted that decision.

That being said, I know loads more people who did not choose to wait. Some have regrets, some don't. But that's their choice.

So I would want my kids to understand safe sex and to be informed about STIs, unplanned pregnancies and other possibilities, so that if they make decisions

I believe however that a big part of my responsibility as a parent is to raise our kids the way we think is best - including sharing with them our values and beliefs.

But I also believe that it's our responsibility to ensure that they feel safe to raise ask questions, discuss other opinions and beliefs and form their own positions in a safe and non judgmental environment.

My parents had firm views on a lot of things. I don't agree with all of them, but I can talk to them about any of them in an open and honest way. I'd like the same to be true of my relationship with my kids.

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I think i agree with you peanutter. I want her to respect her body, her self and her worth, i dont want her to have sex just because she thinks that = love like her mumma did. My whole sex view was SO warped because my parents only ever said no sex till marriage (pastors!!) cause thats what God said, no explaination why God said that or anything. Then me and dh started dating and for the first time i connected loving someone with all you are and sharing an intimate relationship like that. It was a pretty special moment when i realised what sex was actually about and meant to be! Not a powerplay, a manipulative tool, a way of being hurt or a form of abuse.

I want to be open with my kids and tell them how much i want them to wait until it is the person they love with all they are. I want to teach them how to make wise choices... I just hope i can do that.


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I'm with you nutter.


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