Teaching Abstinence to our children, what are your views?

[onthefly]

i wouldndt' preach abstinence, but i would like it to be an option for my kids. Definitely respect and safety are the key things, and that means having open and frank conversations as well as trying to raise my kids with healthy self esteems.

[Feijoa Mum]

My older boys know that they can come to me or DH about everything and anything and that nothing is a taboo subject in our house.
I have been as open and honest as I can be from an early age with them even with the stuff that makes me feel a bit uncomfortable Try explaining premature ejaculation to a 10 yr old (he heard it on a radio ad)

I strongly believe that the more you know the less you need to find out. So fingers crossed they wont feel the need to experience stuff they arent ready for just because they were curious about it.

However they also know that if they do decide they want to take the next step, hopefully with someone they trust and respect, then there are condoms available no questions asked in the bathroom drawer.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I already talk to DS about abstainence - in an age-appropriate way!

However, that doesn't mean I won't talk to him about safe sex when that is more appropriate. I just want him to know from a young age that waiting until marriage isn't a bad thing.

[Traveller]

I will teach my kids abstinence as the best way to safeguard themselves against STI's, unwanted pregnancy, and the utter heartbreak of making a decision to take that step with someone only for it not to mean as much to them as it did to you. I know many couples who have managed abstinence until marriage (I was not one of them) and it has worked really well for them. I will not do what my mother did which was to try and stop me from ever having sex without explaining why (other than it is not a Christian thing to do). I do think she was coming from a good place but she avoided the issues and just let me find my own way through them.

However I will also be teaching my kids safe sex for if and when they do decide to have sex, and will be keeping a supply of condoms in an accessible safe in the house. I don't care if they use them for water balloons as long as if they do need one they can get one.

[Charlotte91]

I really don't have a leg to stand on when it comes to teaching DD abstinence. I was only with DP 2 months before I fell pregnant.
Geez, my Dad's a pastor!! Although, never lead a church he's done his 'training'.

I'll be teaching her to use a condom, as DP and I never did. Thats why DD is around.

I remember when I was 17 my sister was getting married. When my Mum found out that my sister and BIL had DTD she went off her rocker and tried to call off the wedding. I think that was mainly because they were both in YWAM, which is 'christian college/missions group'.

But I never cared what my folks thought.
I don't want DD to end up like me. Barely 19 with a 6mo..

[blessedatlast]

I'm thinking this thread proves that open communication and education is the key here, not whether you DTD younger, older, married or not.. Interesting thread PZ.

[Cranky Kitten]

I think you're right there, Blessedatlast. Most of us would agree that only teaching our kids that abstinence is the way to avoid unplanned pregnancy and STI's is irresponsible, but the flip side is that unless you homeschool them their entire lives, they are also going to be taught safe sex and contraception at school.

What they most likely WONT be taught is self respect, the value of true consent and only taking that step when they are ready, not when peer pressure, boyfriend/girlfriend, hormones or a few drinks says they're ready. That is something that we as parents have to instil in them, a sense of values and the belief that they are worthwhile.

[Heaven]

I will be encouraging abstinence because it is the best protection against babies and other STDs but I will also back that up with 'the talk' about safe sex, birth control and no means no.

Yeah that!

I'd probably try to encourage abstinence until you find someone you 100% trust... but then follow up my speech with "But if you can't, heres a condom..."
My parents preached safe sex, only with someone you love, wait as long as you can etc etc... I've only ever had sex with DH so something musta sunk in.

Same here. My mum told me it was only when you were married and in love and so I never wanted to do it before I got married. She gave me the impression she didn't do it until after she was married and I didn't want to disappoint her! Then I met DH when we were 16 and we'd been going out for a while and I was thinking about it. I remember asking mum if she has sex before she was married. She confessed she had but only with Dad and they were engaged, lol. So then I decided it was ok and I did when I was 17 but now he's my DH

So I think I might let them think I didn't do it til I was married

[OceanPrincess]

I'll be teaching my kids abstinence for religious reasons, but with the right religious message... I heard a bit about it on a DVD the other day and it made sense to me so when I need to, I'll go back to that and revisit the topic.

Anyway - I will talk openly about my own sexual experiences with my kids, that yes I did have sex before I was married but I was a bit young and didn't really know what I was doing... Once I got right with God again i decided to wait until I was married. And I did!

I tell ya, that was a very interesting second date... "I'll have the chicken thanks, by the way, no sex until we are married!"

[Nai]

Seeing that I don't see marriage as something that I would necessarily want my kids to aspire to unless they want it (I do want them to have a long term loving partner of whatever gender they prefer but don't think marriage is the be all and end all) so I can't really talk about sex before marriage. I have no religious or cultural basis to make any expectations of them and I think that it is my responsibility to teach them to think for themselves and have the self-belief that they will do what is right for them and do it for the right reasons.

Just as an aside - if your child came out as being gay and hence they are unable to get married (as the law currently stands), how would you approach sex with them from that perspective and would it make a difference if you had a son or daughter making this decision?

[Cranky Kitten]

Just as an aside - if your child came out as being gay and hence they are unable to get married (as the law currently stands), how would you approach sex with them from that perspective and would it make a difference if you had a son or daughter making this decision?

For me, it wouldn't change anything - but then I'm not religious or hold any kind of prejudices about gay/lesbian/bisexual sexuality. Plus I think that law is rather disgusting and discriminatory, but that's a whole other debate. I would like to think that I will be able to have the kind of relationship with my kids that they could come to me and talk to me about their feelings and know that they'll be accepted the way they are.

[Phteven]

Same here. My mum told me it was only when you were married and in love and so I never wanted to do it before I got married. She gave me the impression she didn't do it until after she was married and I didn't want to disappoint her! Then I met DH when we were 16 and we'd been going out for a while and I was thinking about it. I remember asking mum if she has sex before she was married. She confessed she had but only with Dad and they were engaged, lol. So then I decided it was ok and I did when I was 17 but now he's my DH

My Mum did the same thing to me. Except I didn't find out until after she was dead when my sister pointed out that if you did the maths she was pregnant before she was married. I wish I could have a word to her about that and maybe a bit of a finger waggle lol.

[RhiChiChi]

Interesting & thought provoking thread!

For me, I want my DD to be able to come to me & talk openly about sex, mastrubation etc... I want her to respect herself enough that she can make this decision and as long as she is comfortable engaging in sex etc... with someone whom she cares about/loves then that is ok. We were told at school (catholic p.s.) no sex before marriage but I didn't understand why. I also had a somewhat fear of sex b/c of the unknown through lack of understanding & discussion. This is b/c my mum was never open to discussing sex - I learnt the gist of the birds & the bees from my older sister....

[LionsandBears]

From an epidemiological POV, research has shown that abstinence only sex education programs fail in either maintaining chastity/virginity and preventing STDs or unplanned pregnancies. In fact, they're worse.

Whilst I think any good sex education program, whether at school or at home, should include abstinence as an option in terms of not surcoming to pressure, self-respect, exercising good taste etc, it's not the be all, end all.

Assuming people want to marry, the marriage age is rising. I see no benefit to a life of frustration and chastity until you're 30 odd though obviously it's a personal choice. There seems to be an assumption that sex = bad. Whilst I agree sometimes sex can be poor, it's not bad per se with consenting adults. That seems like a strange perception to me.

And as Nai pointed out, many people choose not to marry. Or are not given the option.

Some interesting links:
Abstinence and Sex Education
Abstinence-Only Sex Education Statistics – Final Nail in the Coffin

[Sopdet]

Personally I'm going to be very open with sex at home. I won't be 100% pushing abstinence, but I will be suggesting strongly that they wait until they are 100% sure.

I was raised to believe that the human body is a beautiful thing and that sex is something that should be done between those that love each other. Of course I totally ignored this and while I don't regret my first, I do regret a lot of things about other partners. Yes I wish I had waited for more meaningful relationships.

[Fleur]

Sopdet I like that - meaningful relationships - as opposed to the idea of waiting for marriage. Pretty much for the reasons Nai gave, marriage might not be what they go for, it might not be realistic, if they are gay it might not be legal.

I want my children to value sex, I think it has become something of a throw-away item, having said that they know where the condoms are and are able to take what they need as they please. They can take them for their friends as well.

One of my proudest mummy moments was when Panda told me 'I was just telling S about how supportive you are and I told her she should talk to her parents about it'.
Made me feel like 'phew! I got something right'

[loulabelle]

Just as an aside - if your child came out as being gay and hence they are unable to get married (as the law currently stands), how would you approach sex with them from that perspective and would it make a difference if you had a son or daughter making this decision?

For me it would be exactly the same. Gay, straight, male, female. I just want them to know safe sex, and be in a relationship they are truly comfortable in. I want them to know they can say no, but I also want them to be confident enough in themselves that when they yes, they really mean yes. I don't want shame around sex, I want them to know it's natural. My parents are still pretty to this day funny about sex, I could never go to them with questions and apart from the very technical details of how a baby can be made, I was told very little. My dad was funny when it came to me with boys, I think he still would like to think of me as a virgin. Yet, my brothers were able to have there girlfriends stay over etc. I spent most of my teen years believing that I was somehow dirty for even thinking about sex. These are issues I have only come to terms with in recent years. I don't want my children to ever feel like that.



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[peanutter]

really, really interesting thread, PZ!

we will be teaching abstinence as a package deal, about the value and beauty of sex, relationships, self worth, and our bodies.

we will however seek to raise them in a way that makes them feel they could come to us openly if they have decided to sleep with their partner, or slipped on a banana peel (or bottle of passion pop) and woken up in someone's bed ...

I disagree with PPs that abstinence is unrealistic - I know have 20 or so friends who have waited until marriage, and dozens more who waited until they were engaged. And frankly, I don't know anyone who regretted that decision.

That being said, I know loads more people who did not choose to wait. Some have regrets, some don't. But that's their choice.

So I would want my kids to understand safe sex and to be informed about STIs, unplanned pregnancies and other possibilities, so that if they make decisions

I believe however that a big part of my responsibility as a parent is to raise our kids the way we think is best - including sharing with them our values and beliefs.

But I also believe that it's our responsibility to ensure that they feel safe to raise ask questions, discuss other opinions and beliefs and form their own positions in a safe and non judgmental environment.

My parents had firm views on a lot of things. I don't agree with all of them, but I can talk to them about any of them in an open and honest way. I'd like the same to be true of my relationship with my kids.