Simply shocked by the way DD's friend is dressed

DD9 invited her friend over for a swim, she has arrived with only her bikini bottoms, rash top and towel. The reason why I'm so shocked is that this girl is a larger girl and her bikini bottom is either too small or is a ladies size because they are extremely high cut and from behind practically go up her butt, no joke. Now mum knows I have 2 teenage boys in the house and a husband, it's very awkward. I asked if she brought some shorts with her, she doesn't, DD's wouldn't fit anyway, should I offer her a pair of mine? Honestly don't know what to do. The boys are in their rooms and won't come out, they are extremely :redface:. The girls are in the pool for now, maybe I'll ask her to keep the towel around her waist :doh:. Any advice appreciated.

Regards,
Dianne

I'd offer her some shorts, if yours are too big maybe on of your boys's shorts will fit? There's no way I'd put up with that.
And, then yes, a towel around the waist is a must unless she has other clothes to change into immediately after getting out of the pool.
Good luck.

She is a kid! If your husband and teenage sons have a problem then they should stay away.

I would offer her some shorts for her comfort, but not for 'decency'.

Really, I wouldn't embarrass her. She feels comfortable in what she's wearing so it's obviously not bothering her :dunno: If someone had pointed something like that out when I was at that age, I'd have been mortified and not gone swimming for a very long time in anyone else's company. In fact, I still feel very uncomfortable swimming without shorts on because a few years ago someone pointed out the tops of my thighs were hairy and I should start shaving there too... I still feel that way, even though I took their advice!

I think its good that she has enough confidence in herself to wear something like that. Pity her mum didnt pick the right type of outfit for her. I wouldnt make her feel horrible by asking her to cover up but maybe have a word to her mum and see if she minded if her DD was a little more covered up if she comes over for a swim.

That being said, if it is making you all uncomfortable, offer her a pair of your shorts. Tell her you dont want her getting sunburnt or something.

Mine will definately fit her, I have a pair ready and can just say she can wear them over her wet bathers. I just can't get over it though, I wouldn't even let my DD wear something like that inside the house.

Regards,
Dianne

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She is a kid! If your husband and teenage sons have a problem then they should stay away.

I would offer her some shorts for her comfort, but not for 'decency'.

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Right on!

Slightly disturbed by the notion of a 10 year old girl needing to cover up for your husband...

She is a kid, yes, and is not dressed in any way appropriate for her age. The males in my house should not have to feel uncomfortable, I just wasn't sure how to go about it without embarassing her, I understand it's not her fault.

Regards,
Dianne

I'm assuming your DDs friend is the same age? My opinion, which you will likely disagree with, is that it is her body and you should ignore YOUR feelings about her being dressed inappropriately, and treat her as though you would if she was wearing her school uniform, or trackpants and a tshirt. It's just a body. We are all different shapes and sizes. It's very possible that she is self-conscious about being a larger girl (I truly hope she is completely oblivious to being 'larger') and so telling her to cover up, I think, even if you think you're doing it 'nicely' by offering her your shorts, is unnecessary and cruel. Perhaps her parents couldn't afford new swimwear this summer and she's outgrown her swimmers from last year? At that age, if that were the case for me I would have already been embarrassed but even more embarrassed if someone pointed out that my bathers were too small, or that I was too big.

It also might be a great lesson for your boys in maturity an acceptance if you tell them you expect them to treat your DDs friend with dignity and respect.

Dianne I understand where you are coming from. Yes she may be comfortable in her skin, but it's YOUR house so if you feel uncomfortable then it's your right to say something. Basically from what I understand it's like she's wearing a g-string bottom because the togs are riding up? I think that it's perfectly acceptable for you to ask her to cover up a bare bottom.

Ok, maybe I'm just an old fuddy duddy but I"m talking about close to a g-string and I'm quite shocked by some of the responses. Would you truly send your 9yr old out like this?

Regards,
Dianne

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She is a kid! If your husband and teenage sons have a problem then they should stay away.

I would offer her some shorts for her comfort, but not for 'decency'.

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Agreed whole heartedly with this post. She is 9 if the high cut stuff is too revealing then bring it up with the girls mother but by you offering her things you could also do her harm by puttong emphasis on her physical appearence and kids that age should not be worrying about how they look.

Perhaps these bottoms were the only ones that fit her - surely she is still too young to be trying to be "sexy". If the men in your house are embarrassed by the way she dresses for swimming in a private setting, I wonder how they would be coping with scantily clad women and topless tots in a public beach/pool.

its more your reaction to this that bothers me (only slightly though ;) ) then anything else espcially when she is at an age where body image really starts to become an issue for some kids.

:hug:

I do mean this in the nicest way possible honestly :hug: just relax , if its such a big deal for your family's morals then speak to the mother or don't have her around for a swim but please don't push stuff onto the child :hug:

I wouldn't.

She's only 9 I wouldn't worry about it. Perhaps they were last years bathers and she didn't realise they wouldn't fit properly until she put them on. Get her a pair for a late Christmas present if it bothers you to this extent :-)


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I don't know, I can't see it.

But what I would or wouldn't let me daughter out in at the age of NINE is irrelevant. Pretty sure I would be more concerned about the fact my teenage sons and husband can't look at a NINE year old in bathers without assigning her sexuality. She is a prepubesant girl. IMO it would be far more inappropriate if she was 15.

She's just a child - maybe she doesn't know the swimmers are inappropriate, maybe they're all she owns. At the moment she feels comfortable and happy in your home why would you do something that takes that from her?
Maybe what you consider inappropriate isn't what her family considers inappropriate. My SIL is South American. Her swimmers raise eyebrows every time we step onto the beach. I wear a burqini so my swimmers raise eyebrows too for a different reason. Both of us dress as we consider appropriate and IMO other people just need to deal with it.

Don't know but when I was that age we used to go outside in our undies (which no doubt became see through) and play in friends sprinklers when we were there. Would be different if it was going shopping attire.

I think your family needs to feel comfortable in their own home.
Maybe to get around this in the future is have a rule that all female swimmers need to wear boardshorts or shorts when in your pool.

I would be uncomfortable if one of the girls friends dressed this way in my house.

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Ok, maybe I'm just an old fuddy duddy but I"m talking about close to a g-string and I'm quite shocked by some of the responses. Would you truly send your 9yr old out like this?

Regards,
Dianne

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I don't participate in body shaming...so if my 9 yo wanted to be naked full time around the house, I'd support that. If she was going to someone else's house, ideally I'd want her to wear something that made her feel good about herself that was age appropriate. Is your DDs friend wearing a g-string or bikini bottoms that are a bit small? Either way, all you can see is some bum cheeks...it's just flesh...she's not out to 'tempt' your husband or teenage sons. I find the pressure we put on such young girls to dress and behave 'appropriately' so, so sad.

I would be uncomfortable if someone wore that in my house, regardless of age or gender. It's not about sexuality. It simply isn't appropriate. It is a shame this needs to happen between you and the girl rather than between parents. I would offer her some shorts without mentioning why, perhaps ask your daughter to put some shorts on at the same time.

Maybe offer everyone some dry clothes to change into when they get out?

I think it's really hard when we can't see them Dianne but I trust your judgement that they're inappropriate.

I think the sunburn excuse is actually a really good one and I'd use that. Not ideal but probably the best one under the circumstances.

Your house. Your rules. End of.

I know it's probably hard for you but she is just a kid, at that age knickers are fine, I even remember we used to run around nude under the hose with friends no one made a big deal. You will embarrass her and could trigger body issues if she is a big girl. I agree that talking to her mum might be a good idea. Your family shouldn't have to hide, just remind them she is a little girl like your own dd and it's no big deal.

Perhaps say she needs the shorts for sun protection.

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I would be uncomfortable if someone wore that in my house, regardless of age or gender. It's not about sexuality. It simply isn't appropriate. It is a shame this needs to happen between you and the girl rather than between parents. I would offer her some shorts without mentioning why, perhaps ask your daughter to put some shorts on at the same time.

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Totally agree.



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She is now wearing a pair of my shorts, I simply went into DD's room and offered them to her saying if she wanted to change, like DD, she's welcome to wear them. Not once was I worried DH or the boys would be drooling over her, obviously everyone has different opinions on appropriate clothing and in our household this is not appropriate and makes us uncomfortable.

Regards,
Dianne

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Pretty sure I would be more concerned about the fact my teenage sons and husband can't look at a NINE year old in bathers without assigning her sexuality.

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I think it is a very unfair assumption that the reason they are uncomfortable is for sexual reasons. Very unfair.

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I think it is a very unfair assumption that the reason they are uncomfortable is for sexual reasons. Very unfair.

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Thank you.

Regards,
Dianne

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I think it is a very unfair assumption that the reason they are uncomfortable is for sexual reasons. Very unfair.

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I have to agree. I don't think that's what the OP was suggesting at all. The girls mother should know better when shopping for bathers for her daughter, I would feel very uncomfortable if it were me.

Off topic but as your issue seems to be resolved I hope you don't mind…. A question for Onyx - do you think it would be offensive for someone who is not muslim to wear a burqini? Not that I ever go to the beach really but I worry quite a bit about sun cancer as my brother (who has similar skin to me) had a melanoma when he was only 23. It seems to me here in QLD (skin cancer capital of the world) a good option for fair-skinned people. Not sure if it would cover more than just the long UV shirts and legs with a hat?

Umm, next time you make an invite, please let people know what your social mores are. I wouldn't have thought it would make a flying difference what my kid wore to a private pool without there being an official policy about it that I may have been informed about.
It's skin. It's skin on a kid. If she's already large she's gonna know all about her skin very, very shortly, without your help or shock.
I would say that if your husband and sons have issues with what they saw, you may need to have a discussion about what it was they found offensive or objectionable - without pinpointing what the actual problem was that sparked their reactions you will have a very offendable family who will tend to blame the person they're looking at or listening to without owning their own reactions. She hasn't caused offence, she has triggered something that was already there. She's just being her and just being a kid and at her mum's mercy.
Who knows, maybe she comes from a family where she's been taught that skin is skin is skin and it doesn't matter what you're wrapping is, because everyone has a bum with bum cheeks, everyone has a belly, everyone has nipples (*ooh ahh* I wonder if she'd have been wrapped in a towel and sat at the door to wait for her mum if she hadn't brought the rashy!).
I remember being in NZ at a hot springs and two girls were playing with DS who was 6mo at the time and it was so, so refreshing to see these 7yo's (asked their ages, they were so friendly) from Canada, long beach hair, tans and bead necklaces and only bikini bottoms. They were fairly lean, so no 'offending' boobie show, but they were kids and they were comfortable in their own skin. It challenged me for a minute (not offended, just assimilating it to what everyone else was wearing that day there) and then I decided that it was the kind of thing I would encourage in my own kids. My DD, granted is only 2, wears only bottoms to her swimming lessons where every single other girl is in a bikini or a frilly one-piece - they are just kids!
I read the thread title and thought maybe there was a party or an outing where someone was dressed far beyond their years...only to realise you're talking about swimwear that rides up someone's bum.
Seriously, if it's such a problem for you to accomodate, talk to the mum and please consider advising parents of your private pool wear policy. I really wouldn't have thought it would matter, especially in a home where there are boys AND girls in residence? Then again, DP's walking around naked, DD doesn't have undies on and I was topless at the creek just before ;)

No I don't think it's offensive at all. I know MadB has one of the sun smart suits that ahiida sells and Nigella Lawson has one of the full cover ones with a sun visor.

TBH, I wouldnt care (nor would my hubby) if a 9 year old wore nothing in my pool. Yesterday we had a friend come over with her 6 and 8 year old girls and they didnt bring their swimmers and both of them along with my 2 1/2 year old son were all naked in the spa.
Maybe her mother didnt notice or maybe they are her only swimmers?
I worry more about little bra type tops and tiny micro shorts that kids wear to the shops/movies than I do about a bit of "innocent" nudity.
Sorry it bothered you so much though and was a situation that was easily rectified. :)

I'm sure my views were pretty clear in my post, I didn't ask for opinions on whether this was appropriate with others or not. I shouldn't have to feel bad about my view on this by peoples comments and assumptions. Thank you to those who offered advice regarding my question.

Regards,
Dianne

No, you shouldn't. If you feel bad then that's something for you to explore.
I'm glad you didn't send her off feeling mortified that she somehow has to learn to dress 'appropriately', whatever that means. I really am. I'm not sorry, still, that I would prioritise her feelings over yours and your boys and DH's - you guys are adults who are more emotionally mature, presumably, and sending her off with a new complex, in addition to your complexes about bodies would be a poor outcome, indeed.
I did offer 'advice', I suppose, it just wasn't what you wanted to read. I suggest you guys talk about it and what exactly brought your discomfort to the fore and how you can deal with it next time (if there IS a next time), and what it all means for you, if, you find it has a significant meaning when all is out in the open (so to speak lol).
I still don't know why you couldn't just let it go :dunno: I seriously don't understand what the threat was. We all have bum cheeks, don't we? It just reminds me to really work on my kids to appreciate bodies for what they are; vessels for souls and the spirit inside.

Mayaness, just out of interest, would you also tell someone who was a Muslim that they should just essentially get over wanting modesty in their own home? That they should just accept flesh is flesh and they should be fine with it? I totally get where you are coming from but I also respect Diane's right to her standards being observed in her own home. I also think she acted tactfully and sensitively.

Also, my understanding is that Diane's boys aren't 'adults' but teens.

Yes, we all have butt cheeks. Most of us have labia, and nipples, and pubic hair too. We let urine drain from our urethra and push a poo out of our anus, very natural things, rarely done in public. Natural doesn't necessarily mean on display. Society dictates there is a time and place for our body parts to be on display and I think we need to learn when it is ok and when it isn't. Obviously, it wasn't OK in Dianne's house today, according to Dianne. There is a difference between teaching our kids not to be ashamed of their body, and when to cover their body. IMHO.

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I think it is a very unfair assumption that the reason they are uncomfortable is for sexual reasons. Very unfair.

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Right.

And a few of us agreed that it was not Dianne's place to teach her that difference, especially because she (Dianne) was distressed about it and that's the best time to get wires crossed and really stuff things up.
Bringing elimination into the fray was not necessary, Marushke, but go ahead and be extreme. I wasn't talking about 'natural', I was talking about normal. I bet those teenage boys have seen their fair share of bum cheek that wasn't as 'appropriate'. Same with DH. It was a missed opportunity to tell them to get over themselves and realise that a bum cheek on a 9yo is a world away from the bum cheek they'll see on a magazine in a service station.
I know of people who are embarrassed when someone breastfeeds in their home and refuses the offer of a 'private room'. The 'offence' taken there is not dissimilar here.

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And a few of us agreed that it was not Dianne's place to teach her that difference, especially because she was distressed about it and that's the best time to get wires crossed and really stuff things up.
Bringing elimination into the fray was not necessary, Marushke, but go ahead and be extreme. I wasn't talking about 'natural', I was talking about normal. I bet those teenage boys have seen their fair share of bum cheek that wasn't as 'appropriate'. Same with DH. It was a missed opportunity to tell them to get over themselves and realise that a bum cheek on a 9yo is a world away from the bum cheek they'll see on a magazine in a service station.
I know of people who are embarrassed when someone breastfeeds in their home and refuses the offer of a 'private room'. The 'offence' taken there is not dissimilar here.

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Actually I am not being extreme, just making a point that we have natural bodies and processes that aren't always suitable for public display. Some people believe that includes butt cheeks, some people don't. I happen to believe that it isn't suitable for a 9 year old :).

I don't believe that by putting shorts on this 9 year old, her body image was being corrected, perhaps the sense of when to display and when not to might have been corrected though.

And yes, it's a shame that Dianne was put in this position in the first place, I would have rather the parent corrected this image, but it is what it is.

No hard feelings, I just disagree with you.