Rude people on trains...

So I was sitting in a 2-seater today, and the seat next to me was free. I was marking some exams and pretty much not paying attention. Then a lady got on the train, obviously very overweight, and sat down. Only, she didn't just sit down.... she also sat on top of my thigh and the force of it slammed my opposite hip into a metal sheet on the other side. It really really hurt. I said "owe" but she said nothing and looked away. She was really hurting me. The thing is... no one wants to be the person who says "hey, that isn't acceptable, please stand up". No one wants to be seen as discriminating. I understand she is just as entitled to a seat as anyone else, but if you don't fit, you can't hurt some one else in order to get your seat. Am I wrong? I thought she was very rude. I've got nothing against overweight people, but I do have something against ANYONE who imposes on my body and my personal space for their benefit.

As someone who is overweight, I am very concious of where I sit on trains/buses. Even if the person already sitting is tiny and doesn't even take up half the seat, I still perch right on the edge of the seat so I'm not encroaching on their space. If I can avoid 'touching' the person I'm sitting next to, I will. If it's a quick trip (no more than 20 min) I'll often I will just stand, unless there is a free seat. Personally I think you should have told her to move over cause she was hurting you.

I think you should have told her too. She may not have been aware that she was hurting you, or even encroaching on got space.

I'm curious though...would you feel the same way if she was pregnant??

I think the fact she was over weight is irrelivent, it could have easily been a teenager with a school bag who hurt you by slamming it into you and if I were in that situation I would ask them to move over as they were hurting me.

I do what Miss Dee says. I hate going to sporting events, concerts etc because often the seats are sooooo tiny - at least in comparison with my butt they are. My DH is very slight but has very broad shoulders so he tends to slot a shoulder behind me and I slot a stomach roll over his side! I need my own personal space anyway, so fat or thin I've never allowed physical contact with strangers, but I am even more conscious of it now that I'm larger. I think its just rude to encroach on someone's personal space.

I would have said excuse me but your hurting my leg, do you mind moving over a little.... your not being rude at all.. she's hurting you and she shouldn't!

I've had a skinny chick do the same to me on the tram. At one stage, she was practically sitting on my lap. I think in the case of your train lady, her weight and her rudeness were mutually exclusive.

There was no way she could have moved over... she tightly wedged between her side and me. I just think it's rude... I would never do it to anyone. If she was pregnant I probably would have asked some men to stand up and give her a seat :).

Pet hate of mine. Many times I have had this happen and I have stood up because I don't want my thigh squashed and the squasher has then spread out so noone else can sit there either. My train trip is an hour I am not sure I should have to stand for that long but I do.

Why is this called 'Overweight people on trains'? Shouldn't it be, 'Overweight lady on train'? Not all overweight people are this rude. I do know where you're coming from, I've encountered people who are like this and overweight. Also, I've encountered people who are skinny and like this. Or Asian and like this. While her weight was probably a factor (like, because she took up most of the seat!) it sounds like she's just a jerk, skinny or fat.

Couple of things:

Why should it be a man to give up a seat for someone who is pregnant? Any able bodied person should be considered capable of giving up a seat.

Also someone can just plain be wide. My DH is overweight, but it is all in his gut. He is super wide naturally, so takes up the same width on the seat, regardless of weight. I think Toomany shoes made a very good point.

Yeah weight is irrelevant, but my experience was with a person [actually, people, because I've had this happen before!] using their size (rather than their bag, or sheer arrogance) to invade my space. And nope, doesn't need to be a man who gives up his seat.

I think the thing that made me pause was that it wasn't a bag... I wasn't saying... excuse me, could you please move your bag... but I was (if I had asked) going to ask the impossible... could you please move your thigh? Knowing that there was no where for her to move. It was part of body, not an inanimate object. It makes the conversation more personal. I really don't like making a scene, and I understand that overweight people already get enough foul looks and comments as it is. So I was looking for a way to address the issue without making it yet another downer. If you know what I mean? There is a reason why I ended up deciding to say nothing to her :). One of my best friends is clinically obese but she chooses to stand to avoid all this... I don't blame her.

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I hate going to sporting events, concerts etc because often the seats are sooooo tiny - at least in comparison with my butt they are. My DH is very slight but has very broad shoulders so he tends to slot a shoulder behind me and I slot a stomach roll over his side!

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Lulu! you made me spit my coffee out with that lil nugget * I slot a stomach roll over his side* hahahahahaha love it

I think as an overweight person, you're pretty much on a hiding to nothing. You want to sit, as much as the next person, and if you're overweight, standing for long periods can be particularly difficult. So what do you do? Ignore an empty seat? Because you KNOW the person next to you is going to think you're imposing on their space? What choices do you have? Stand for the rest of your life so someone else doesn't feel uncomfortable?

I used to be overweight and the number of people who would grumble because I sat to them on a plane or a bus was disgraceful. I paid for a seat, same as anyone else. A bag is something someone can help, weight kinda isn't. I don't think it's rude for me to want to sit down, as everyone else seems to have the right to.

Like I said earlier, if someone had said to me to move because I was hurting them, I would have. Whether I was overweight or not, such as the skinny chick who practically sat on me on the tram. That's why I think this woman's rudeness and weight were un-related.

You know what is worse than people with bags that need a seat and people who want to sit on your lap?
The smelly people. You can ask someone to get off your lap and threaten to throw their bag out the window but short of carrying a monster size can of deodorant there is nothing you can do about smelly people other than put your face in your hands and pray that they get off at the next stop.

I can see your point M.
I think that there comes a point in life where you need to accept that some of your lifestyle choices can and will impact upon other poeple. And I dont think that other poeple should suffer because its not PC to say, "hey, you really dont fit in that seat"
An airline would not let you do it, if your butt doesnt fit into one seat, then you need to buy two.
Tough call though, who wants to be THE person that says something :hide:

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I can see your point M.
I think that there comes a point in life where you need to accept that some of your lifestyle choices can and will impact upon other poeple. And I dont think that other poeple should suffer because its not PC to say, "hey, you really dont fit in that seat"
An airline would not let you do it, if your butt doesnt fit into one seat, then you need to buy two.
Tough call though, who wants to be THE person that says something :hide:

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So where do you draw the line? Can I tell a smoker I can't stand the smell of their stale smoke so please move because your personal choice is offending me.

I'm not sure being overweight is a lifestyle choice. Not showering is a lifestyle choice, but who chooses to be overweight?

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So where do you draw the line? Can I tell a smoker I can't stand the smell of their stale smoke so please move because your personal choice is offending me.

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:hide: I may be known to do this......

Sent from my HTC Incredible S using Tapatalk 2

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Can I tell a smoker I can't stand the smell of their stale smoke so please move because your personal choice is offending me?

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There is no law against being rude.

This reminds me of a story. I was the last to board a plane not long ago, and as I boarded, I noticed that a couple who were already in their seats were craning their necks to see who was coming up the aisle. As I sat down in the empty seat next to them, the man said 'oh thank god, we were worried you'd be a fatty'. I'd have loved to see what a ****head he would have been had I sat next to him 4 years ago.

And the irony? He then spent the flight trying to 'spread out' into my space. Rude, rude, rude man, who proves yet again my point that being overweight and being rude have nothing to do with each other. Because had I still been 110kgs, he probably would have told all his friends after about how *I* invaded his space.

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So where do you draw the line? Can I tell a smoker I can't stand the smell of their stale smoke so please move because your personal choice is offending me.

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Havent they already? I mean not about the old smoke smell. Nowdays its not even good enough to just go outside for a smoke, now you have to move at least 4 meters from the buildings. And they will only make it harder.

Should add, I am a currently overweight (maybe not so much as this lady) ex-smoker, so am well aware of how my lifestyle choices can impact upon others.

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So where do you draw the line? Can I tell a smoker I can't stand the smell of their stale smoke so please move because your personal choice is offending me.

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I actually agree that you should be able to. Yes its their personal and lifestyle choice, but it is also mine to not smoke and have to smell that. But unfortunately i am too polite to even request the person who blows smoke into my face in a public place to stop. As onyx said sometimes you just hold your breath and bear it.

I dont think M was having a "weight" issue discussion, more so than a "personal space" discussion. As others have said, if you are invading someone else's space (no matter size, shape, form, gender etc) you're the one at fault, what gives you more rights than the other person. Its part of good manners.

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Havent they already? I mean not about the old smoke smell. Nowdays its not even good enough to just go outside for a smoke, now you have to move at least 4 meters from the buildings. And they will only make it harder.

Should add, I am a currently overweight (maybe not so much as this lady) ex-smoker, so am well aware of how my lifestyle choices can impact upon others.

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Well I guess they can have a "fatties" area next to the smokers area so people can't be offended by my fat but.

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I think as an overweight person, you're pretty much on a hiding to nothing. You want to sit, as much as the next person, and if you're overweight, standing for long periods can be particularly difficult. So what do you do? Ignore an empty seat? Because you KNOW the person next to you is going to think you're imposing on their space? What choices do you have? Stand for the rest of your life so someone else doesn't feel uncomfortable?

I used to be overweight and the number of people who would grumble because I sat to them on a plane or a bus was disgraceful. I paid for a seat, same as anyone else. A bag is something someone can help, weight kinda isn't. I don't think it's rude for me to want to sit down, as everyone else seems to have the right to.

Like I said earlier, if someone had said to me to move because I was hurting them, I would have. Whether I was overweight or not, such as the skinny chick who practically sat on me on the tram. That's why I think this woman's rudeness and weight were un-related.

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Yeah I realise they are in a tough spot. That's why I started the thread! They can't just move their bag or go home and shower. I think both her and I were in a tough spot.

Surely there is a way of navigating this issue? Across from me was a young man who snickered when this woman sat down... I really don't think that's the way to go. The ettiquite here stumps me it honestly does.

I have gotten on the train before, while not pregnant, but with a back injury no one could know about, and taken a disabled seat. I've gotten awful looks for it. Makes me wonder if she was having the sort of day where sitting on someone was better for her than standing? Who knows.

This thread really wasn't about the fact that overweight people aren't the only group of people who can be rude, but about the specific issues of weight. After all if it were just her bag, I'd have moved it myself without blinking an eyelid. Inanimate objects invading my personal space are no where near as hard to deal with as people invading it. For whatever reason.

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Well I guess they can have a "fatties" area next to the smokers area so people can't be offended by my fat but.

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Can we put the people who wear so much perfume that it makes my eyes water in the same place? And also people who read the Daily Telegraph? And people who wear tracksuits in public that are not athletes (or even athletic) and the people with dodgy hair extensions....

Actually....... it would be easier just to give me my own carriage that is invitation only. And if you're not on the list they can throw you out whilst the carriage is moving :p

Nobody asked you to take your "fat but" outside, just that you dont place it upon thier leg whilst sitting on the train :)

If someone is invading your personal space - say so. Though to be fair, I may be able to put my bag down on the floor but I may not be able to move my butt far enough to suit some people.

I think this is about getting hurt by this lady. If M was getting hurt, she has a right to say she's getting hurt and to ask the person next to her stop hurting her. And she's mentioned that she feels like that was taboo due to the weight of the person. Though I don't think any reasonable person would willingly continue to hurt someone, once told that they are. If they did, THAT would make them rude. And that's the issue, not the weight of the person, though from some of the comments since, it seems as though the weight of others is considered an imposition on some.

In my opinion, that's pretty rude too.

It doesn't matter whether the person was overweight, underweight, pink or smelt like fish. If the person invaded your space you should have told them so. And the fact they didn't care to notice says they were rude.

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Can we put the people who wear so much perfume that it makes my eyes water in the same place? And also people who read the Daily Telegraph? And people who wear tracksuits in public that are not athletes (or even athletic) and the people with dodgy hair extensions....

Actually....... it would be easier just to give me my own carriage that is invitation only. And if you're not on the list they can throw you out whilst the carriage is moving :p

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haha can i join the list :p

Guess thats the beauty of "public" transport. We just ahve to suck it up and hope the "offenders" are getting off soon!

*Adds little_O +1 to the list*

But by telling her that she has invaded my personal space I am basically telling her to stand up. There is no middle ground, she was unable to sit AND not invade my space. I find it rude... or at least uncomfortable, to demand that a person stand. I know it's a sensitive topic, but I'm actually asking how to best be polite to them, and sensitive to the fact that they might not have chosen this condition, I am not trying to marginalise them or put them down. After all, I could have stood and let her have the seat without her feeling uncomfortable (because I'm sure she didn't feel great either). And I don't think she is less deserving of a seat than me, even if I am pregnant, because at this stage I am quite capable of standing.

Put me on your list too Onyx. Two seats please. I like to spread mah fat out.

I have my own personal carriage. It's black, A/C'd, the music is great and the seats are big enough to contain my buttocks.

Maruschke, I'm sure she could have moved so you weren't so crushed. That's what I meant.

I understood that that was what you were getting at M. I actually don't think it's one of those times where you have a clear answer. You either say something to her and force her to stand, or stand yourself. I don't think it's one of those circumstances where you can have a win-win.

Oh I understand, and I'm not offended. But look at how hard it is to even talk about on a forum. Even the title was changed from overweight to rude, LOL. Don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-overweight people, I'm not a size 10 myself, and if it were a smelly person who made me uncomfortable the title would have been "smelly people on trains". But if it is this hard to talk about on a forum, it demonstrates something about how awkward it is to talk about in real life. You are right, there are no answers, but I was hoping someone would have a different perspective for next time this happens. Seems the answer just is... there is none.

She's a rude person full stop.

If she had manners and gently sat down next to you, would it have bothered you so much if her thigh was up against yours? Probably not I imagine! Recently I had a plane trip and sat next to a pretty big fella who was pretty much half in my seat. He was most apologetic and due to his attitude I didn't mind all that much.

Well I'm finding this thread quite interesting.

Recently I was on a plant flight at the end of the day, and the plane was full full full. I had tried to book an aisle seat, but plane was so full, no luck. I'm large - tall with long legs to start with, but also overweight so plane seats are on the cosy side. Much cozier than if I was a small person with a proportional degree of overweight.

Anyway, I was all settled in when my window seat companion arrived. He had no arms. He was also tall with long legs. He then had to get himself seated and searbelt done up, which involved his not very flexible prosthetic hand and also his toes, ie pulling his legs up into the hand/arm zone. So, for as much as I was encroaching on his space, he was also in mine.

We both tried to be polite and accommodating, but we were both uncomfortable. In the plane we had no choice. In a train there is - but is raises an important question: whose suffering outweighs the other persons? Who has the greatest claim to space and comfort? Is it the man with no arms (because presumably he had no choice in that)? Or is it the person who through genetics was already larger to start with? Or is the person who is experiencing the highest degree of pain? What if the man with no arms enjoys a higher degree of health and functioning than the fat person, who has a chronic disease?

Off on a bit of a tangent there, but my own opinion is we all have an equal right to comfort, regardless of our situation. I personally think what was at fault here was the design of the public transport, and it's failure to accommodate many needs.

MD, I read your post and I immediately thought, 'oh, I would have offered him a hand' to do up his seat belt. Then I realised that offering 'a hand' to a man with none could be construed as all kinds of rude...