Conception Trauma

We hear a lot about birth trauma but Ive been thinking lately about conception trauma.

Whether it be through real LTTTC (I'm talking years), repeated ART (Assisted Reproductive Technology), recurrent miscarriage, or TTC after late loss, trying soooo hard to conceive when the rest of the world seems to fall pregnant so easily can be traumatic.

There are the highly invasive, painful tests and procedures making the whole thing feel so medicalised and sterile. In my case, for instance, I have had literally dozens and dozens of painful interal ultrasounds, biopsies, injections, internal examinations, surgeries.....Having doctor after doctor with their hands up you, poking and prodding and pushing when it hurts so much it takes your breath away, youre at your most vulnerable and all you can do is keep your eyes on the prize which, for the most part, feels like you're never going to get.

Then there's the hundreds of injections, medications, supplements, revolting pessaries and gels, artificial hormones, blood thinners, thyroid medication, insulin, whatever...It all makes you feel horrible. Bloating, nausea, emotional, crampy, headachy, dizzy.....None of it is pleasant.

Perhaps the worst thing...The emotions of inferility or inability to carry a child to term. Feeling broken and barren, not like a real woman. Failure after failure. It becomes your single focus to the detriment of your relationships, your career, your sense of who you are. You lose yourself because all you can think of is getting that elusive BFP and carrying to term. The endless cycle of hope and disappointment is utterly exhausting.

For women who go through this getting a BFP is only a small part of the journey. I can only go by what I have read because i have never had a BFP on this journey, but it seems to me that BFPs bring with them a new lot of things to worry and obsess about. The path to a BFP has been so long and painful, relaxing at this point is impossible. For those who have suffered late loss or recurrent miscarriage, daring to even think about bringing home a live baby seems beyond comprehension.

How do you recover from this stuff? It changes you forever. Whether you end up with a child at the end or not. It's traumatic. I dont think people realise just how traumatic and life changing it is.

I haven't written this very well because I am tired, and I don't even know what the point is. I guess I just want people to know just how friggen hard this journey is for women like me. It makes you bitter and angry. And spent. It's traumatic.

I love this post thank you for writing it. I am traumatized by it all. You are right the bfp is amazing but the excitement quickly gives way to a host of those horrible fears, doubts and anxiety. I am living it now.

Thank you for writing this N2L :hug:

I personally think you have written in perfectly :hug:. I am sure that you have articulated what some of us feeling down to a T! I am also traumatised. I will never be the innocent 21 year old TTC again. I will never have a pregnancy I am not terrified of losing and thanks to HG we will never think about TTC without absolute terror. After miscarrying our first bub we never got to experience the joy and exhiliration of a 'first' pregnancy. Instead it was fear, worry and too many tears.

I never realised how deep those scars of LTTTC and long term ART would run, thinking that once I was pregnant it would all be over, how wrong was I!?! What I do have to say is that thanks to LTTTC and IVF for is that whilst I am a different whilst deeply scarred person, I AM a mother, person and wife who would have been very different if I hadnt walked a long hard journey with the person I love, felt every needle, ultrasound, egg collection, laparoscopy and watched everyone fall pregnant but me. It changes you but sometimes at the end of it all you realise the few things it 'allowed' you to become too. N2L Ive watched your journey and I hope with all my heart that your baby is just around the corner :comfort:

i dont honestly know if you do recover. something inside of me is different to what it was before we started this path

I agree with BG, not sure you ever recover. Big hugs N2L... I know those of us with kids have "the prize" but we still share the pain with you.

So true. I know I've been feeling bitter and cynical lately. Hanging out on a pregnancy and birth site on a daily basis probably isn't helping. I've had to stand back and realise if someone is posting what I think is insensitive or stupid doesn't necessarily mean they're being insensitive or stupid. It's just that my experience has influenced how I see the world of conception. Just because I wish people would stop creating drama out of nothing doesn't mean that in their world, things aren't dramatic.

As much as we want a live baby, I'd rather skip the horror of pregnancy. The daily dread that something will go wrong and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. The meltdowns, the trying to stay optimistic even though optimism won't make a sick baby healthy. The knowledge of how many ways a baby can die before and after birth and that there is no safe time, ever. That informing family of another pregnancy won't be some cute, whimsical, lovey dovey situation. It will be a time of trepidation and hope and some judgement. Knowing that there can be a heartbeat on a scan today and a dead baby tomorrow, that the NT or morph scan can show a healthy baby and that they can still die. Planning the baby's funeral before they're born.

Not daring to buy anything for the baby in case that jinxes things. Not being able to relate to hopeful pregnant women who plan baby showers, assuming the stuff will actually get used. Having a very small population of other 'damaged' women who can relate to the terror and wondering if it's possible to, 1) get pregnant again after all this stress and grief, 2) survive another pregnancy with my sanity intact and 3) survive another baby death or possibly plan a double funeral next time.

The sense of failure is enormous. Not just loss of my beautiful babies, but the loss of the family we'll never have. That I have failed as a woman to create healthy babies? My number one purpose in life a great big failure.

So yeah, I'd say conception trauma is very real. Thanks for writing this post.

It's threads like this that make me love BB. You are all amazing, inspiring, strong women, who are forever changed by your experiences and you're not afraid to share it.

:grouphug:

N2L I think you expressed it perfectly.

The journey we all take to get that longed for baby does affect you and for the lucky ones who manage to get those longed for babies it will never changed. I remember when DD was born (after 1 fresh and 3 previous FET's) I still couldn't come to terms that this child was mine and was waiting for "someone" to come and take her away.

Even now looking at my 3 miracles I cannot actually believe I am their mother, and hearing the words mummy still feels strange. I think in a way we become so protective of our hearts and heads that embracing the whole experience is too scary to consider, I know I always feel like I'm still waiting for everything to be taken away from me IYKWIM.

N2L, I don't think you could have written your post any better TBH. I totally agree with everything you posted. Its so sad that there are so many of ((hugs))

Oh N2l. You are right. But it's not 'nice' to say it, really is it? It's not something people want to hear. I think the general population is oblivious, and in a way that's good for them. Whilst i do suffer pangs of envy towards those with very simple, straight forward TTC and pgs, i think the only way you can understand is to walk it - and i don't wish anyone to walk it, if they don't have to. I guess they have their own scars and traumas too.

It's a horrible thought, all the invasive proddings and pokings that you must have endured. And then injecting stuff into you which is just making it awful and so far far removed from that instense moment of beautiful passionate baby-making sexual encounter that some of us thought actually happened.

How can it not be life-changing? It will scar you forever. You are doing well to just feel angry and bitter at times. It must impact on every single part of your life.

L&B - It's seems too cruel and wrong that your two darling boys aren't living. And then to have to endure comments and have to rise above them? I can't begin to imagine how hard your next pregnancy will be, i doubt there is anyone who can. Traumatic doesn't seem enough. You have the strength of a lion and a bear.

I couldn't agree more with all of the posts above. I know how hard our journey has been and it breaks my heart that so many wonderful people go through even worse. :cry: :grouphug:

I'm not the same person I was when we started TTC 5.5 years ago and I will never be that person again. All I can do is try to learn the lessons and make the person I am now the best she can possibly be (which I'm not doing too well at right now, to be honest).

I have tears reading your post N2L.
I have felt so guilty since getting pregnant because when I have tried to express my fear no one has 'got it'. I got off lucky in many way, yes it was two years but so far it looks like it has worked. The problem is I fear the good can't last. I'm so use to being told no that I am having trouble accepting this BFP. A positive is that even throwing up into a bag as I find a safe place to pull the car over has been met with excitement but I am saddened that the few people I have told the news hasn't come out like I had hoped (I'm pregnant, but don't get excited). Because of this I can only assume that those with deeper scars must struggle so much and it must be so hard when those around them expect happiness and excitement, but fear and anxiety are stronger. Trusting your body after such an experience is difficult.
The trauma of ltttc is often brushed over and feelings are not validated. It is an uncomfortable topic and unless you have walked the path I think it is impossible to understand the grief, fear, anger and a multitude of other emotions that are experienced (generally within one cycle). An innocence is taken when falling pregnant naturally doesn't happen.

N2L, i've been thinking more about this post this afternoon, and i agree - you've said it beautifully. you don't need to be eloquent or perfect when you're pouring your heart into something. you've said what you were thinking, and obviously far too many of us understand what you're saying.

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It changes you but sometimes at the end of it all you realise the few things it 'allowed' you to become too.

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This is very true. I'm not the same person i was 7 years ago, when we started out on this journey - but the changes i've been through aren't necessarily all bad...



L&B - massive hugs. i don't have words - just hugs. i wish no one ever had to experience your pain. ever.

Beautifully put N2L - I think the TTC journey leaves a legacy, some things good, some things not so good, and it's not something you can ever forgot even when you have a baby in your arms or in your belly.

I don't think I will ever not cringe when I hear someone announce how they 'got pregnant first time" or "my husband has super sperm" or "all my husband has to do is look at me and I get pregnant". Comments like this make me shake with rage and jealousy inside. I have watched a number of close friends (all IVF'ers) simply fall apart as their dreams are repeatedly crushed time and time again. It truly is the cruellest thing in the world to a woman who has a maternal urge/need/want to have a child.

However on the flip side, many of my Mummy friends are in fact IVF Mummy's and this journey has brought us together, and they are the most inspirational, supportive and amazing woman I know, and their friendships have made me a better person, totally privilidged to share their journey.

But I hear ya - it leaves a legacy ..... :(

I cannot imagine ever being 'normal' again .... But as DH has a daughter I feel a bit like nothing we do on this ttc journey is ever a real 'first' or 'normal'.... It all sucks. It is post traumatic and long term grief that's for sure

:hug: wish a real one of those could take away the pain for you xxx

Thank you for putting into words how many women feel, including myself.
It just really blows my mind that in this day and age, Dr's still don't know what causes miscarriages. Surely investigating earlier would reduce impact on the persons going through it, the medical system, and the 'myths' associated with miscarriage, pregnancies and birthing will change. Not only those changes but education to girls earlier about understanding their cycles so that Dr's can take their health information seriously, and use it to empower females toward their decisions and TTC.
A part of me feels robbed of the innocence and miracle of conception, pregnancy and birthing.
Right now, I feel like its a cruel joke, and I swear of I get told I have to experience a 3rd loss, I will do it to prove a point to be taken seriously and use it as an example to boycott our government to change whatever 'law' or rule that was decided for a women to endure 3 losses!!
Oh I'm getting angry now!
But again thank you N2L, xxxx

Oh sweetie, just wanna send you out some giant big squishy :hug:, this thread has made me cry.

I honestly thought that once/if I ever managed to get that elusive BFP, I would be instantly healed of everything and the pain would miraculously go away. But even now, with such a short amount of time to go for us, I still cannot let myself believe that this is real and is actually happening to us. I am still waiting for something to go wrong. I think the whole LTTTC journey gears us up to expect the worse and it becomes so ingrained into our beings that when a miracle does happen, you spend the entire time on tenterhooks, waiting for that worst to happen. Because our own personal life experiences make us expect that.
I thought the pregnancy announcements would stop ripping at my heart but nope, still happens. I hate that certain people seem to take it for granted, that it is their given right to be able to have a family of any size when they choose to and I can't help but shake my head and wonder if they ever stop and think how incredibly lucky they are that to have a family is just a given.

I do know that our journey has most definitely made DH and my relationship a lot stronger but its either make or break really, isn't it? And I am so grateful that we have had each other during the process as the loneliness of the whole journey really did blow me away. I wish there was some way of making people understand just how traumatising it is, but unless they have been there, they will never, ever have ANY clue. I have people close to me who think that, because they have seen DH and I go through it, they understand. WTF? I don't think so.

Anyhow, I am rambling here. Your post was beautifully written chick, and it was like you plucked the words straight out of my head.
More hugs coming your way XXX

it just depletes you, doesnt it? the sadness and grief is just relentless. you think you are getting a handle on it, then you get yet another failed cycle and it snowballs again. the ttc & ivf journey is hard enough on its own, but often you have those additional hurdles along the way - ohss, cancelled cycles, no fertalisation, miscarriages, d&c's, unexpected hospital stays etc. when i hear myself talk to people IRL about what's happening, it sounds so eventful/dramatic all the time. its exhausting. and you can tell that people IRL are just looking at you like "omg...". it is isolating bc its personal, and if you havent been through it its very difficult to understand.

i feel like i am not being allowed to live and grow in to my own life. im stuck in someone elses life and powerless to do anything about it. i just have to wait and hope. after 5.5 years - the waiting it getting old. and so am i. the trauma compounds with each cycle, month, year - you dont get a chance to process it all, bc you are on to the next cycle, blood test, internal scan etc. you just have to keep going bc what else can you do? stop, give up? thats not an option and thats not going to get you anywhere. even taking a break for a couple of months, while great at the time, leaves me feeling guilty and like i have just wasted even more time. and even when you do get pregnant, the first feeling isnt joy - its fear. and that is just so wrong. its incredibly frustrating and never stops.

i hear you n2l, and all the ladies who have posted. i genuinely 'get it' and am living it too. i am relieved to have bb to share this stuff with others who 'get it' too, it does help. xx

Mlr - doctors do know what causes most miscarriages. Whilst distressing, it's a normal part of reproduction. Mother Nature taking care of things, if you will. 1/3 pregnancies will end in miscarriage and 50% of those will be anembryonic pregnancies or blighted ovums. You dont need to wait for 3 losses for testing. That may be a guideline for some doctors, based on how normal miscarriages are, but if you dont want to wait, you can request testing. Just be aware that the human genome is huge and not everything can be tested for. Therefore, the answer is often 'we dont know'.

N2L your words are absolutely amazing, it is truly like you found all the words I could not figure out how to say.

You almost brought me to tears sitting in my office because it feels all too real. Your are an amazing person with great strength and I also truly hope that BFP is just around the corner for you.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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The endless cycle of hope and disappointment is utterly exhausting.

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You took the words right out of my mouth N2L. I have completely lost myself in this battle, my mind will never be the same.

Thank you for sharing this, it was written superbly xx

I was a lucky one who eventually got pregnant, but realise now I didn't make the most of my pregnancy because I failed to believe it was actually happening and we would be parents. I think it was when I went back to work that I finally realised DS was here to stay. Up until then I just felt like I needed to protect myself and didn't really think he was here to stay. I was (and still am) making the most of being with DS but kind of felt like it wasn't real and was only a temporary arrangement. I guess it stems from not feeling worthy of being a mother, or growing more certain as time went on that it wouldn't happen, since we had to fight so hard against "mother nature" to get him. I know this probably doesn't make much sense; I don't think I'm articulating myself well, but it's how LLTTC and a miscarriage has effected me.

:grouphug:

What a blessing is this thread! LTTTC produces such complex grief, not least as some of you have said the grief of others not understanding/respecting/holding us in our grief. But that's what this thread does...! Thank you n2l for posting it.
I think for me (1st ever bfp 3.5wks ago) I'm trying to find a way of moving forward in the joy I feel without dishonouring the grief of the past, coz it was real! But so is my joy now... And part of me doesn't want to be bound by something that seemed set to destroy me, part of me wants to let the (suffering of the) past be the past.
Does that make sense to anyone?

I agree I am not the same person I was before LTTTC. I will never be. I know exactly what you're talking about n2l despite it now being 6 years ago that I went through it, despite not personally wanting any more children.

One of the reasons I took an extended break from Belly Belly was, being a mod of the LTTTC forums, I could not let go of how my infertility defined me, and at that time, I really felt like I needed to, in order to move on emotionally. I had had a child, via IVF, and still I felt all the grief, the injustice, the trauma (and I so agree with that word) of having to go through what I did to have him. It sounds so stupid to say that since I did have a child, but strangely enough, that doesn't heal you, I honestly don't think it ever will. It doesn't revert you to the person you have been forced to become.

Having said that, I don't think the person I became is a bad person. I am more proud of the person I am today that I would ever be of the person I was before I struggled with infertility. But there are times, more than I care to admit, that I wish I hadn't had to feel what I did, to experience what I did, to get there.

Today I don't feel like my infertility defines me. But it is part of the fabric of my entire person, and makes up who I am.

When I posted this thread I never imagined it would get the response it has....

I think it goes to show that Conception Trauma is very real. I just wish no one had to go through it.

Thank you everyone, both for your responses and your kind words and well wishes. I am sorry I made some of you cry. I hope, at least, the tears were cleansing and will help you in some way through your path to healing.

May all of us still waiting be blessed with healthy, earth side babies, and may all of us who have been on this journey find peace and reconciliation.

Take care x

N2L - I will come back to reply properly when I have more time, but just wanted to say it was a brilliant post..

Beautiful post N2L.. :hug:

Thank you for this thread... I've been one of the very lucky LTTTC's & have gorgeous lil boy to cherish after nearly 4 yrs including two of IVF, a scary pregnancy that almost ended at 24 weeks but we both fought hard & have a happy ending which I feel I have no right to complain but I have battle scars that are deep & will always be there.

I have recently started to see someone because I feel I'm always in edge, it's like Im holding a bit of breath in all the time if that makes sense.
It doesn't help that my darling lil sister is having a terrible time Ttc & is having some of the heart breaking moments you would never wish on anyone that we have all experienced & I hurt for her. I wish no one to ensure what we've been through.
I've read stories on here that make me cry & wonder how the universe works when ppl who have all the love in the world to give have the hardest time or never get the gift of children when there are people out the who simply can't care for the children they "just pop out".
Sorry if this is all over the place I'm on my phone & typing through tears.
Thanks N2l for posting what many of us have thought but not been able to articulate.

Ah shouldn't have read this at work -teary! Thank you for such a great post. You seem to have expressed my feelings too.

Found out this week our 6th round didn't work. No answers. I feel I have no-one to talk to as all my friends have children and I'm sick of making my mum and sister upset too. I do feel a failure and can't see a way out at the moment.

It is so darn traumatic and the waiting and not knowing makes it even worse.

Thanks for putting into words what a lot of us are feeling at the moment xx

Thankyou for this thread. Until you go through it you just couldn't imagine how hard it is.

Early on, the timed sex - forcing yourself to have sex when you didn't want to. This is destructive in itself.

Watching everyone around you get there so easily. Having to tell everyone that you just aren't interested in having kids yet to hide the fact that you are having problems, when on the inside you want nothing but a baby. Keeping that dirty little secret.

The invasive procedures of IVF. The transfers would always cause me great stress as the invasiveness would bring up some issues I have. Being utterly traumatised at the point where you should be having a great time with your husband in bed is not a great way to start a pregnancy.

The fear of the pregnancy, not wanting to sneeze in case you hurt the baby that you'd fought so hard for.

The lack of trust in your body/nature and the dependence on high intervention doctors because that is what you're used to.

The fear that the hormones that you pumped into your body will cause you cancer or something down the track and take you away early from the kids that you worked so hard to conceive.

The fear that the artificial conception has left your children vulnerable to birth defects/other problems.

The fear that in using IVF you have bypassed nature and caused your own beloved children the same heartache that you've gone through.

N2L I think you have said beautifully what some of us feel but dont know how to write it to make sense.
It definitely changes you and I can relate to do much of what you write. I know for me getting a bfp will just be the first step, as last time it was short lived like many other beautiful women in here.
With all my heart I hope that this journey brings you that much wanted baby, you bring a world of strength and advice to us all and can only hope that in some small way we all help you with your struggle as well.
Once again, beautifully written words expressing your true feelings and emotions xo

All i can say is I agree whol heartedly. I feel a broken woman and don't think I'll ever be whole again.

n2l, you have captured perfectly how soooo many of us feel.
it is a horrible journey we are on. being reminded every month by af that we are not preg. its devastating.
i feel incredibly jealous and envious and sometimes furious at people that just fall pg without any assistance or even any effort.
then i feel guilty for feeling that way.
i don't even know how i will feel if i ever do fall pg. of course i will be happy and excited, but there is an added dread of what next. i think this feeling is much more intense for ltttcers.

:grouphug: for us all