We hear a lot about birth trauma but Ive been thinking lately about conception trauma.

Whether it be through real LTTTC (I'm talking years), repeated ART (Assisted Reproductive Technology), recurrent miscarriage, or TTC after late loss, trying soooo hard to conceive when the rest of the world seems to fall pregnant so easily can be traumatic.

There are the highly invasive, painful tests and procedures making the whole thing feel so medicalised and sterile. In my case, for instance, I have had literally dozens and dozens of painful interal ultrasounds, biopsies, injections, internal examinations, surgeries.....Having doctor after doctor with their hands up you, poking and prodding and pushing when it hurts so much it takes your breath away, youre at your most vulnerable and all you can do is keep your eyes on the prize which, for the most part, feels like you're never going to get.

Then there's the hundreds of injections, medications, supplements, revolting pessaries and gels, artificial hormones, blood thinners, thyroid medication, insulin, whatever...It all makes you feel horrible. Bloating, nausea, emotional, crampy, headachy, dizzy.....None of it is pleasant.

Perhaps the worst thing...The emotions of inferility or inability to carry a child to term. Feeling broken and barren, not like a real woman. Failure after failure. It becomes your single focus to the detriment of your relationships, your career, your sense of who you are. You lose yourself because all you can think of is getting that elusive BFP and carrying to term. The endless cycle of hope and disappointment is utterly exhausting.

For women who go through this getting a BFP is only a small part of the journey. I can only go by what I have read because i have never had a BFP on this journey, but it seems to me that BFPs bring with them a new lot of things to worry and obsess about. The path to a BFP has been so long and painful, relaxing at this point is impossible. For those who have suffered late loss or recurrent miscarriage, daring to even think about bringing home a live baby seems beyond comprehension.

How do you recover from this stuff? It changes you forever. Whether you end up with a child at the end or not. It's traumatic. I dont think people realise just how traumatic and life changing it is.

I haven't written this very well because I am tired, and I don't even know what the point is. I guess I just want people to know just how friggen hard this journey is for women like me. It makes you bitter and angry. And spent. It's traumatic.