Knowing when to give up or when IVF doesn't work

Not surprisingly BB doesn't seem to have many members who hang around once their ivf dreams don't come true, so there's not a lot of people to discuss this with :(

I think I am coming to the end of my IVF journey. Eight long, emotionally wrought cycles - five Stims and three FETs for a total of 11 embryos transferred - and only one chemical pregnancy and too many BFNs.

I have spent well over $50,000 including supplements and natural therapies, and I'm not sure how much more money I can throw at this.

I have plans to do another stim in December, throwing everything and the kitchen sink at it, but after that (and any FETs that might follow from it), I think we will accept that we are in the 40 per cent of couples IVF doesn't work for.

Are there others out there who have reached/are reaching that point? How will you cope with it? What will you do?

Let's chat about it here.

We all have a limit. I've seen many posts like this elsewhere, but less so on BB...

I would have to say that, right now, I'm there with you. We have money for 1 more stim cycle (#6) and I don't expect any more frozen embryos, so I do expect it to be our last chance. I'm still so burnt out from the first 5, that I'm not even sure I want to do a 6th... I don't even think it will work.

I know it's different for those of us TTC#2. We were lucky enough to have IVF#5 work, so it's not the same as walking away empty-handed. But it's still hard to walk away with a hole in your heart that remains unfilled. I would have loved to have 3 children, or even more, so it's hard to think that DD may grow up alone.

I honestly don't know what to do. I can't give up completely but I can't keep living with all this pain...

anney has experienced this. Perhaps PM her.
I believe i know others but as you can guess most drift from BB, sadly.

just wanted to give you hugs n2l. you are a strong brave woman and i look up to you in terms of the ivf journey. im really really really hoping and praying (more than normal) that the kitchen sink id what you need. xoxo

Yes it is a difficult dEcision and one I had taken out of my hands, as I really don't know when I would have reached my limit. You can't do ivf with your own eggs over 45 in Victoria so I stopped at 45. I conceived dd naturally at 39 and he and I really wanted her to have a sibling. We tried naturally with two miscarriages until I was 43 then did ivf and had done one donor egg cycle in that time and two of my own cycles with the first one resulting in a miscarriage.
So my situation is very different to yours. Not nearly so many cycles for example.
For me, in the end I was going thru the motions just for dh and dd. i was totally over it emotionally for myself particularly after the ivf miscarriage. So I think the decision depends on what is motivating you to keep trying. I felt I was lucky to have one child. And in reality didn't feel much support from DH.
Reading back that sounds like it is all about me! (lol) but of course it wasn't. It still felt like crap when I saw or heard about pregnancies, even though I sort of wanted to give up.
I did not have the money consideration so much as ivf was not nearly so expensive back 5 years ago. Money would certainly be a consideration if it was the $$$ it is now.
How does your DH feel about it? It would be extremely difficult when you want a child with him, to give up on that dream.(((hugs)))

Hi N2l I know exactly how u feel. We are at the same cross road right now. Our donor sperm after next cycle will have run out and can't get same donor due to stupid new laws. I am worn out and have spent soon much money as well!!!!
Such a hard call, we are trying again in nov and reassess after. I don't think I'm ready to give up yet! Finding it hard at moment to focus on next cycle need to get my fitness back and start eating good diet but just can't get my head in that space right now!! Only have couple of weeks... Booked in for hysteroscopy, lipoidal flush and something else pulling out all stops this round..
X

I'm just so sick of feeling like it's not going to work but doing it anyway because it seems wrong not to do it iykwim.

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I'm just so sick of feeling like it's not going to work but doing it anyway because it seems wrong not to do it iykwim.

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Yes, I know exactly what you mean...

To stop really is giving up :(

Can you pinpoint where the feeling it is wrong to give up coming from ? Is it that you want to give DH a child or you really want one or it has become part of your "routine"?

Honestly? I think all three for me.

My bestie has done 10 rounds to no avail so so sad. She even had a heart attack at 27 on the table having a regular procedure. Her ivf Dr said she could try some new drug in Argentina but you have to leave any un transfered eggs there.

Sorry it's do Hard and unfair

Yes, all very powerful drivers and they won't go away in a hurry. It is crap you have to go through this.

i notice there is a little girl in your avatar N2L, is part of it, your desire to give your DD a sibling? (which i get. i cannot give my DD a sibling, for different reasons).

Are you on IVF forums too? If you're not getting the support you need here at BB (small numbers of people who understand). IMportant to find places where you do feel understood.

so sorry you're going thru this heartache petal.

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To stop really is giving up :(

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Not always.

Maybe stopping could be seen as being brave and courageous. embracing what you do have and making the decision to be able to direct your financial and emotional resources elsewhere.

I'm not in your position - DH has made our decision for "us" and that is a whole other story...

But I can imagine that in your situation I wound just know one day that enough was enough.

Making a decision doesn't mean that you can't change it in 6 months time...

Thanks everyone :)

Gigi - my dd is from my previous relationship. I have been with my DP for eight years and he has no biological children. My dd has brothers and sisters through her biological father. I would love to have another child and I would especially love to have a bio child with DP.

Muppity - you're right, I can change my mind in six months but given I am 41, time really is a huge factor :(

N2L just wanting to send you a giant big :hug:

N2L another hug here as well. You have been so awesome with advice for not just me but everyone in the AC thread. I pray that the decision never happens and that you get what we all want for you x

i am hearing you, in a big way n2l. 6 years of ttc, 5 stims & 10 transfers down - it is so draining and all consuming. to be honest, i try and not think about it too much. just go along with the next stim, the next FET - just keep trucking along, hoping that sooner or later one just has to work. right now im gearing up for stim #6, with PGD and im actively not thinking about this one too much either. especially the cost... eeek. im not sure how i will actually make the decision to stop, i keep thinking that while i am producing eggs/embryos - how can i stop? but i know i will get to a stage where its enough, it really takes its toll physically & emotionally, not to mention the cost... my poor mortgage has suffered too. i do have a few more years left i know, but i started ttc when i was 28. im now 34 and i can see what else i can try to get a different result. its just so hard.

recently i have been able to consider what life without children might be like without getting that cold, panic feeling. some days i think i will manage. i try and remind myself what i do have, friends, family, a house, a great relationship etc. some days this works, some days it doesnt. we have talked about what we might like to do if ivf doesnt work for us, things like travelling, changing careers, moving to a warmer climate etc - but not sure if this is just to give us something to look fwd to or if any of it will actually happen! i hope i never have to find out, but i think i have been ttc for so long now that it would be naive of me not to try and prepare myself a little. not that its going to make it any easier to take. maybe it will. i dont know. maybe i will turn in to the crazy cat lady. i hope not.

I was in this situation (at crossroads) late last year, early this year. We had been ttc#2 for 3.5 years (3 further m/c too) and were referred to IVF. Undertook 3 IUI cycles, which all failed. Took a break and lost some weight then went back to the FS to commence IVF (something I was not open to initially). First cycle was cancelled (lack of response) & I just didn't know if I could do another cycle but wanted to see if I would respond on a higher dose of meds. At that point, depending on what happened with that cycle I was ready to throw in the towel. Emotionally I was spent & even if I did respond to the meds, I had no idea if my body would carry the pg to term given my history of m/c. (5 confirmed in total). In addition, my DD was being dragged to appts at the clinic (some just bloods, other internal u/s) and I felt bad that she had to endure this.

Physically I was sick of being a pin cushion and not knowing for certain what the next cycle would bring.

For me I *knew* in my heart that there was another baby, I just didn't know when that baby would join our family and whether it would be through IVF or natural. Extremely lucky (for lack of a better word) that this cycle worked.

i don't know how you decide when to stop trying N2L, i keep moving the goal posts, i said we would stop at the end of this year but now the end is nearly here im not ready, i have only had 2 attempt this whole year and the first ended in a miscarriage and the 2nd we got nothing to transfer once the pgd showed such bad results.

i guess for me im saying to myself that if we get an embryo that has normal chromosomes and it doesn't stick then thats where im drawing the line but i reserve the right to change my mind again if we hit that point !

have you thought anymore about pgd ?

:hug: this is so hard

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Not always.

Maybe stopping could be seen as being brave and courageous. embracing what you do have and making the decision to be able to direct your financial and emotional resources elsewhere.

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This is where i'm at - i didn't want to stop because it all became too much - i didn't want to stop because we ran out of money. i didn't want to feel like i'd failed. so, way back in the beginning of the AC journey, we pulled out a date (DH's 45th birthday) - and no matter the outcome, AC stopped then. it was something i needed to do - something that i could see as an end. i would have (and did) do just about anything in the time before then - we both worked ridiculous long hours (him in particular), excessive travel etc, so that we could afford it. i had multiple surgeries before even starting IVF to try and correct things. but it was always with an end in site - we were either pregnant by July 30, 2010 - or we packed in the towel, and shifted our focus to something totally different.

after having DD, i briefly entertained the idea of going through it all again - she is this magnificent little person, and to give her a sibling would feel like the right thing to do - but at the same time, I can't. I won't. i am tempted, but ultimately, i have decided i'm not going back, and i won't (unless i amazingly become so uber rich that work doesn't matter and i can do everything with no thought to the expenses or to losing work).

all of this has been discussed with DH (many times over!) and he understands. as much as he (we) would love a big family, it's just not something that we can do. it wasn't an easy call to make, and it's something, as i mentioned, i have waivered on (and i know DH does to - the man notices signs that might maybe just mean i'm fertile and tries to take advantage of natural chances....). but ultimately, we have to be strong, and invest what we have, fiscally, physically, and emotionally, in DD.