Wedding that isn't a wedding

So DP and I have been talking about getting married for a while but we just aren't sold on the necessity. The only real reason we want to be married is so we can use husband and wife and sound proper grown-up lol we already know we are committed. We would love to have a little family and friends gathering and party to celebrate us and well basically, a wedding but signing papers etc seems kind of unnecessary but then is avoiding that equally unnecessary? Our families are also keen on a wedding, I mean they are kind of fun plus I'm my parents only girl so I think my mum wants to experience the mother of the bride stuff. And we would love the memory and photos and all that. And a honeymoon as DP and I have never been able to be just us, there was always kids involved! We just don't understand the government's business in relationships, the concept of legalizing our relationship feels odd and we aren't specifically religious or not religious. There's also the fact that marriage equality is still an issue holding us back from wanting to buy into the exclusionary ideal... It would just feel hypocritical to get married as defined legally as I don't agree with that but I want to symbolically tie myself to DP. Am I overthinking it all?

The other day we were talking to DD1 about weddings and she even said when we brought up the possibility of us doing it 'but you don't need to get married, you're already family' and that's kind of how I see it too. She was all on board the idea of a party to celebrate though lol.

So any thoughts on a sort of wedding minus the legal side? We would write some dedications to one another, have a dance... that kind of thing. I'm not wearing white though, something bright and happy like yellow. Would we even need to specify, could we just have a 'wedding' but leave that part out? Would people even notice? Or could we call it something else but what? Or should we just skip it all together?

Why did you get married? Or why not?

To be honest if your going to go to the trouble of having a vow and dance and party celebration and you want to be called husband and wife then just hire a celebrant and be official. Kinda pointless for all the other stuff then IMO

Sounds like you've got it sorted =) if you don't want to sign the papers don't. Maybe just call it a commitment ceremony? Sounds like just a massive party =) which is all our wedding was

Ooh wedding wedding wedding, how exciting!

But now that I've got that out of my system... I've always wanted to be married and have kids. I wanted us all to have the same name. There was no extra commitment by getting married, we both knew we weren't going anywhere. For me, I wanted us to declare our love in front of family and friends and celebrate each other. I guess I didn't need the legal side, I just figured why not as we'll be doing the ceremony and party anyway.

I like and agree with your reasons for not wanting a formal marriage. And I think if you want to celebrate yourselves, each other and your family, go ahead and have a "wedding" party, exactly as you want, with no legal requirements. Sounds awesome to me :)

Marriage was important to my DH so we got married.
We had a ceremony and party but we didn't bother with the legal papers until we went to France. As my spouse DH could stay indefinitely but not as my de-facto so we went down to the registry office and got the paperwork taken care of.

You do what makes you happy as a couple ;) I think that a wedding or something similar is a great way to get family and friends together, many people will make an effort for a wedding and sometimes it is the only way to get them together.

I wanted to married for mainly practical reasons. I wanted my then DP to officially be my next of the kin, the one recognised by others and institutions as the one to go to in an emergency. Sounds bizarre, but if you knew my (now thankfully ex) SIL, you would live in fear of her having say over what happens if you happen to be in a coma (my brother was listed as next of kin and she would have taken over).

I know these days defactos relationship have greater recognition, but I feel more comforted with a legal document. I have also come to realise that some of DH's family don't fully respect the relationship, so our relationship being recognised legally gives me comfort if something was to happen to DH.

There are also the personal reasons, more from fear than love. I watched my mother go through my father not marrying her. I had lived with others before and had seen how easy it was to just live with someone and not be truly committed.

I'm a Celebrant and to be honest, if you want to legally get married there are only 3 things in a ceremony which are compulsory to be done legally the rest of a wedding ceremony is just part of tradition but isn't needed.

You would need a Celebrant to do the legal aspects but really it would take 5 minutes to make it official. I am doing a lot of elopements and small ceremonies which don't have a lot of the frills, it is becoming more popular than big event type weddings.

If you want to know more you can PM me if you want to.

We never wanted to get married, didn't see the point etc etc. Then when we moved to Australia felt more at home and weren't so against the idea - I then really wanted his name - didn't like my own knew we wanted kids wanted to all have same name - I said I could just change my name to his - he said that was too weird he would rather get married. I asked him Feb 29th, then changed my mind, but hadn't really told anyone - so we just left it - then once pregnant decided wanted to do it for the name reasons mainly, no engagement and got married very small ceremony here in Aus four weeks after deciding to do it, a few members of extended family were there as happened to be in Melbourne but no immediate family just friends. We had a celebrant, $2 rings and got married in an old tram in a park - was great. I got his name but that is really all that changed. We had been together 9 years already. I still find it odd calling him my husband and the day we met means more to me than the day we got married.

I understand the name thing, it isn't a concern here though since DD1 is from a previous relationship I wouldn't want to change my name and leave her out, I'm comfortable with our motley crew of surnames now lol.

Security isn't an issue for me as if somebody wants to leave, a bit more inconvenience in splitting isn't going to stop them and I wouldn't want that to be the reason they stayed, I want them to want to be here. Financially I am better off than he is technically so no need to protect myself legally in that sense.

I'm also more confident in our commitment because of how things all happened, there is his taking on of DD1 completely including continuing to support me in staying at home with her (and then DD2) and now with homeschooling. I can just tell we will work things out rather than ditch because even when we are angry he will hold my hand and treat me with kindness, he cares through any disagreement. We both know things take effort and we put it in, we go to bed together each night, we share interests, we talk and laugh and we somehow managed to instantly blend a family with success (DD2 came along 9 months after meeting). We have similar world views and ideals, we want the same things for our future. He is my best friend and it feels right.

And if he leaves, then I'd be okay... it would suck, it would hurt but I'm strong and capable and enjoy my own company more than most people do (big introvert). I've had a taste of him leaving and it hurt more than anything but I survived. I can't see him doing it again though, we have grown so much (he freaked from the pregnancy) and we are much more open with each other (counseling helped solidify that too). That might all sound so detached but it is more if he ups and leaves he isn't the person I love so I'd be wanting my idea of him not him to return, lost cause basically or if he has some valid reason to leave and does so respectfully then I love him enough to let him go. But we both share the view that love is a verb, it's an action and a choice to invest in it each day so I feel his commitment constantly.

I think leaving out the legal side feels right to us. Just having a symbolic ceremony to celebrate our relationship with others. I am excited, I love him and am proud he is mine! Our relationship has always been so family that it feels nice to be thinking about a day (and holiday) for us.

Being married has always been important to me.

I like that we are legally bound together as our own entity. In everyone's eyes he in mine and I am his. For me I wouldn't enter a business relationship or build a home without a contract so why would I share my life with someone for less.

I take marriage as "till death do us part" though (unless he played up...) and so nothing can come between our relationship.

I'm old fashioned though :)

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To be honest if your going to go to the trouble of having a vow and dance and party celebration and you want to be called husband and wife then just hire a celebrant and be official. Kinda pointless for all the other stuff then IMO

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I don't really see it as pointless because the symbolic gesture of promising myself to somebody for life is what means something to me and doesnt need a government stamp nor fit in with their definitions so would just feel odd to include that part. It would be like a nonreligious person using vows that included God, I don't really believe in the government defined marriage but I believe in my lifetime with DP.

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Being married has always been important to me.

I like that we are legally bound together as our own entity. In everyone's eyes he in mine and I am his. For me I wouldn't enter a business relationship or build a home without a contract so why would I share my life with someone for less.

I take marriage as "till death do us part" though (unless he played up...) and so nothing can come between our relationship.

I'm old fashioned though :)

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Oh I definitely agree that this is a till death decision which is why I spoke of if he leaves as I am committing for life (as is he but obviously I can only vouch for my certainty). I just am not sure I need a contract about it? I feel like the best person to keep us accountable to our promise is ourselves and each other.

Sorry I should have added for me "contract" is a legally recognized promise to eachother.

But I'm also quite religious so that comes into it too for us :)

Why don't you just jump the broom together? That's like a self-declared way to commit yourselves to a marriage without the law being involved.

If it the hoo ha party you want, go for it!
For legal reasons, a marriage is generally required, and preferred.
If something was to happen to you, as a decfacto your partner would have a bigger legal battle ahead if needed to fight for your belongings or a medical decision regarding you.
Decfacto is more complicated than a marriage. Marriage is more a legal declaration that you have committed to each other, and legally responsible for each other.
A wedding is the party, a marriage is the legalities.
And the wedding is the most time consuming, expensive part!!!!

Having recently read the prisoner of heaven I'm really intrigued why you want to avoid the legalities. For things like medical care, schools, after death and any nok events really the piece of paper makes sense.

We had a lot of the same thoughts as you and decided to go ahead and have a wedding. For us it was a celebration, a party and a day to gather our closest family and friends together. It was an awesome day. The honeymoon was a great perk. I wanted to be married for some of the reasons you've said- I wanted him to be my 'husband'. Calling him that felt significant. I also wanted the legal perks. We can now travel the world together and we're legally bound together as a unit. It's very helpful. I still VERY much want that for everyone and I strongly support marriage equality but I was very appreciative to be able to have my turn now. I think waiting out of respect is honourable though.

I say just have the wedding. If you don't want everyone to witness the ceremony you could have it earlier in the day at the marriage registry or quietly with a celebrant, and then have the "reception" party later. As a guest I'd feel jibbed because I love seeing the vows :lol: But it's your day, your way. You can make the ceremony just a short vow exchange if you want and keep the form signing for in private. However you want to do it!

Create your own day :D

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I don't really see it as pointless because the symbolic gesture of promising myself to somebody for life is what means something to me and doesnt need a government stamp nor fit in with their definitions so would just feel odd to include that part. It would be like a nonreligious person using vows that included God, I don't really believe in the government defined marriage but I believe in my lifetime with DP.

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Then you wont be husband and wife.. which is what you said you wanted to be called.

I too believe in marriage equality but not god so mine was a civil celebrant ceremony. I believe that a commitment ceremony which is what you have described to me is done in place of when a marriage is not legal (ie. same sex couples which I do believe should be allowed to be married but thats a whole other thread)

I just also think if you want to be called husband and wife and are going to all the trouble of the celebration and vow exchanging then it would be rather silly to not do the legal part to get the husband and wife title.

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Then you wont be husband and wife.. which is what you said you wanted to be called.

I too believe in marriage equality but not god so mine was a civil celebrant ceremony. I believe that a commitment ceremony which is what you have described to me is done in place of when a marriage is not legal (ie. same sex couples which I do believe should be allowed to be married but thats a whole other thread)

I just also think if you want to be called husband and wife and are going to all the trouble of the celebration and vow exchanging then it would be rather silly to not do the legal part to get the husband and wife title.

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That was half a joke but at any rate, we will be to us ;)

Dh and I never really wanted to marry. We were happy the way we were.
Then we got pregnant with dd1 and when we started to tell people about our pregnancy the question that would follow was when are you getting married. That really annoyed me. But funnily enough we did get engaged around the same time dd1 was conceived, and that was so romantic, not. (way too many glasses of wine, a strange conversation, which ended with so why dont we get engaged, it was agreed upon, and that was it) Mil, insisted we got married before dd1 was born, I disagreed (but held power that if I felt the urge to, then we would, but I didn't). Mil was not impressed.
Anyhow we got married when dd1 was 11months old. We took parents and a handful of friends to the snow for a week. We had fun, signed some papers, wine tour, then pizza for dinner, I didnt wear white.
Afterwards it didnt feel any different. Life went back to normal.
I dont know the reason why we got married, I think we were pushed to do it just so people would stop asking when it was going to happen. My rebellion was massive, I didnt wear white, it was small and informal, there were no flowers, no cake, no formal reception. I didnt wear shoes either. Im still copping it from the inlaws for how we celebrated our relationship. (mil brought a cake, after me telling her no, and she copped it big time, we didnt want to have cake, it was done our way, and that was final ;) )

I think we did similar to your thinking. Why we included the legal stuff, well I figured if I was going to go to all that trouble then may as well include the legal stuff. And really it was perhaps 5mins of the whole thing. We are not religious, so did not incorporate any religious element. I think not doing it until there is marriage equality is pointless. I mean the government wont change its mind on this because of low numbers who are marrying. Instead the more helpful thing to do is to sign the petitions, write to your local member and get involved in the movement.

I do think you are overthinking it a lot. Perhaps write it all down. If you want to marry legally then do it and do it your way. The only right way to have a wedding is the way you and your dp picture it. You could celebrate your relationship in any way or form and still do the legal stuff on the side. Or you can celebrate your relationship still like a wedding but not include the legal stuff.

Perhaps you need to write down your personal reasons for doing or not doing the legal side. But there is nothing stopping you from having a celebrating your relationship.

Enough rambling from me :)

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Dh and I never really wanted to marry. We were happy the way we were.
Then we got pregnant with dd1 and when we started to tell people about our pregnancy the question that would follow was when are you getting married. That really annoyed me. But funnily enough we did get engaged around the same time dd1 was conceived, and that was so romantic, not. (way too many glasses of wine, a strange conversation, which ended with so why dont we get engaged, it was agreed upon, and that was it) Mil, insisted we got married before dd1 was born, I disagreed (but held power that if I felt the urge to, then we would, but I didn't). Mil was not impressed.
Anyhow we got married when dd1 was 11months old. We took parents and a handful of friends to the snow for a week. We had fun, signed some papers, wine tour, then pizza for dinner, I didnt wear white.
Afterwards it didnt feel any different. Life went back to normal.
I dont know the reason why we got married, I think we were pushed to do it just so people would stop asking when it was going to happen. My rebellion was massive, I didnt wear white, it was small and informal, there were no flowers, no cake, no formal reception. I didnt wear shoes either. Im still copping it from the inlaws for how we celebrated our relationship. (mil brought a cake, after me telling her no, and she copped it big time, we didnt want to have cake, it was done our way, and that was final ;) )

I think we did similar to your thinking. Why we included the legal stuff, well I figured if I was going to go to all that trouble then may as well include the legal stuff. And really it was perhaps 5mins of the whole thing. We are not religious, so did not incorporate any religious element. I think not doing it until there is marriage equality is pointless. I mean the government wont change its mind on this because of low numbers who are marrying. Instead the more helpful thing to do is to sign the petitions, write to your local member and get involved in the movement.

I do think you are overthinking it a lot. Perhaps write it all down. If you want to marry legally then do it and do it your way. The only right way to have a wedding is the way you and your dp picture it. You could celebrate your relationship in any way or form and still do the legal stuff on the side. Or you can celebrate your relationship still like a wedding but not include the legal stuff.

Perhaps you need to write down your personal reasons for doing or not doing the legal side. But there is nothing stopping you from having a celebrating your relationship.

Enough rambling from me :)

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Oh yeah, I get that it won't change anything, it isn't in protest but just because I want to live true to myself and my ideals, authentically I suppose.

Thanks for your thoughts! This thread has really helped me hash out my thoughts and to see how strongly I actually feel about this. I don't think I could get married if we were to include the legals, it wouldn't feel right to me and I would rather just remain as is but thinking about having a wedding minus that part makes me feel completely at ease and comfortable and even excited. I think that kind of says it all right?

If that's what you want then do it.

I do think a lot of people will find it hard to understand and if you decided to get married in the future then what will you do then?

They might not but each of our families are the type to accept, respect and support even in the absence of understanding. And if they don't then that is their issue really as it is our wedding and our life. Those that know me are pretty used to my idealistic ways lol.

If we later need the legal aspect for some reason then we will go sign with witnesses at the registry office. Our wedding we have now will still be our wedding to us, that is just a formality born out of necessity.

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If we later need the legal aspect for some reason then we will go sign with witnesses at the registry office. Our wedding we have now will still be our wedding to us, that is just a formality born out of necessity.

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I was going to come back and say this. I think it's a good option. You can have a celebration just how you want it right now and if that legal bit helps you out sometime then get it sorted like the government owned business transaction that it is ;)

I didn't feel the urgency to get married until after DS1 was born and I was making post natal appointments and saying my name was X and DS1 name was Y then all of a sudden it was important for me to have the same name as my partner and son and by that point second child to be lol but I didn't feel it was necessary to go nuts on a party, so we had a tiny ceremony with our immediate family only and then we just all went out to dinner to celebrate :)

I recently went to a celebrant-less non-wedding. I was pretty skeptical at first but it was A.Ma.Zing. The couple basically just called everyone together, gave a shared speech about what they thought about marriage and commitment, with some cool quotes from philosophers and scientists along the way. Then they turned to each other and made their promises, and it was open and raw and honest and just so REAL.

Then there was a big party, and it was just beautiful. Three weeks later they went and did the registry thing, they needed to for some legal thing, maybe to do with a visa. I dunno. Don't care. They're the most married people I know, certificate or not.