Too scared to go on school excursion - WWYD

If your preppie came home with a letter from the school about a half day excursion in approx. 2 weeks time and told you that he did not want to go, what would you do?

Would you insist he went?
Would you offer to accompany him?
Would you offer for him to stay home for the whole day?
Would you offer for him to stay home for the excursion and then send him in when they got back?
Would you send him to school and let the school look after him until they all got back after the excursion?

My husband wants to send him.
I do not. I respect DS and trust him enough to know that this is something he does not want to do. He has his reasons, they are real and valid. No actual physical harm will come to him, but it will be very emotionally difficult for him and the days leading up to the excursion will be very hard and the excursion itself will be emotionally draining and possibly slightly terrifying for him.

Some children will love it. It'll be their most fun day all term.
For some families, it'll be just a trivial thing. Fill out the form, pay the money, drop the child at school in the morning, pick them up in the afternoon.

My DS will be afraid; not only of the event itself, but also of how his behavior and reaction (difficult for him to control) will be perceived by his peers. i.e. if he gets upset and scared, the other kids will notice and then what will they think of him. This fear is equally as bad as the fear of the event itself.

I think sending him to school and then letting him be 'babysat' while all the other kids go and then joining the class when they get back is a bit of a punishment. Time sat around being made acutely aware of his 'difference'. Then their continued 'shared experience' discussions when they return will be excluding him.

I haven't decided what is the best option.

The excursion is to the movies to watch How to Train your Dragon 2. Does that change what you think?

That movie is apparently quite scary. I totally understand where your DS is coming from.

I probably wouldn't send him - or I'd go with him for moral support.

I went through something similar last year with DD. She has a fear of small animals (cat/dog size and smaller). And of the furry/feathery variety.. They had an excursion to a farm, she didn't want to go. Her fear seems to be magnatised by about 10 whenever she knows I am around.

In the end, we had talked about it and she went. I made sure the teachers were well aware of her fear, and they inturn told the parent helpers there on that day. She was ok, but did have a few panic attacks handled well by the people there. As part of the excursion, the class had to do a talk about the day, so she would have felt more left out had she not gone.

I agree with not sending to school for the duration of excursion. At prep age, they are too young to run errands, so can't be made to feel useful if they are missing out and they probably be quite bored and not in their normal environment.

From the suggestions you mentioned, I would be inclined to offer to go if your presence will have the calming effect (as mentioned, my presence wouldn't have helped, only made it worse).

Being a movie, it does change my perspective a little. Is the day just about a fun day out? Yes, don't force it. Or is there an educational side to it? If this is the main answer, I would be working out ways for him to go, but if nothing seemed feasible, asking teacher for alternative. (I know nothing about the movie, off to google now)..

I can completely understand where you are coming from, I can see this happening with my DS1 when he gets to school next year. Until you mentioned it was a movie I would have said that I would be one of the parent helpers...now that I know it is a movie I would be more inclined to keep him home. The trailer for that movie was quite scary for my 4 year old. I would never insist that he go anyway, but possibly revisit the issue at a later date if able.

My 3.5 DS saw the movie on the weekend - it was a little scary in some parts but he loved it.

To answer your question I would talk to your ds and see if he was more comfortable if you went with him, if not and his anxiety is still high I would keep him home and plan a fun activity for him.

I see no point in increasing his anxiety level - you being there with him might be enough?

Just had a thought - if there is going to be discussions and what not in relation to the movie, will he maybe go see it with you? Then he can join in with all that and it won't seem like he has missed out if that makes sense.

I would keep him home.

I would not make my child do something they were uncomfortable with. If it was something they also wanted to do or understood that they needed to do (thinking like dental work), then I would help them find a solution that would help them feel more able to overcome their discomfort (such as offering to be with them).

If a child can't swim, pushing them in the deep end isn't exactly the best solution. Mental challenges are no different, mastering them is the same as mastering any physical skill and happens best when it is worked through in a supported environment and at a comfortable pace (and this will be different for all people). I will add that sometimes all a person actually needs is the option to say no too, it is like a weight off their shoulders that they can try with the ability to pull out at any point should it become too much - I know I am far more able to push through discomfort if I know I have the ability to stop at any point if needed so maybe if you go that opens up the opportunity to leave the movie should it become too much at any point which might be a solution he is interested in. But I mean it is a movie, it isn't going anywhere so he can always watch it when he is older should he desire, it isn't a once in a lifetime opportunity (in reality, not many things are) so I think that that would make me less inclined to push it. Even if it is meant to be educational, I wouldn't be worried for a number of reasons but a big one being if he spends the whole time anxious then how much is he even going to take away from the experience anyway?

I understand the whole face your fears sentiment but he is what 5ish? So there's his whole lifetime ahead to do that, bit by bit! Nobody has to overcome all their fears all at once :hug:

Force a child to go see a movie that may give him nightmares? :o

Uhhh


NO

No way.

There are movie that I refuse to watch because I know I would find them too upsetting.

I would keep him home for the day.

I am surprised that they would take young kids to see that movie, it's going to be dark, loud and violent.

My DS loves toothless, but I can see how many kids would find that scary.

FWIW, DS is currently (has been for the last month) sleeping on a mattress in our room because "the big eye keeps looking at him through the window"
We had just seen Monster Inc :rolleyes:

If I was making the decision I would want to know more about why they are going to see it for a school excursion - is there any point to it besides having fun?

Also are they seeing it in 3D or not (3D makes things more intense - so I think does have an impact)

Has your DS seen the first one? If not might he want to watch that one with you at home - maybe he might like it more than he thinks?

I tend to look at movies on the Common Sense Media Guide page - to review to see how might go with my two. The review for How to Train Your Dragon 2 isn't up till the 13th - but judging by the review of number one movie on there - I find it an odd choice for a Prep class - as it would fall into the "PAUSE: Know your child; some content may not be right for some kids." - which you obviously can't apply when taking a class of children.

I wouldn't insist they went, not to this - so it being a movie has impacted my answer. If the child wanted me to go with them I would, or I would keep them home (I think before keeping them home I would probably discuss concerns with teacher - as I wouldn't be surprised if more than just your DS would be worried by the movie) - I wouldn't bother just going in for the afternoon, and I definitely wouldn't send to school but not to go on excursion.

I would try and talk to the child about if there is anyway to make him more comfortable about going to see it, if they want to try and address their fear/anxiety (e.g. seeing the first movie at home type thing), but I wouldn't really force the issue. Find another child who you know may have reservations about seeing it - I am sure your DS isn't the only one - and see if might want to face it together. There are probably some things I might persevere more about getting them comfortable doing but a movie isn't one of them.

I think previously someone said about having the ability to say 'no' - I think this is important - and presuming you can do it with whatever forms notice etc. , I would try and give the flexibility for them to change their mind about going closer to the event.

I think there are pros and cons of both decisions. So I don't think its as simple as he should or should not go.

If you don't make him participate in the standard curriculum activities, he learns that he doesn't have to do things at school.... Sometimes in life we do have to do things that make us feel uncomfortable... Job interviews, difficult discussions wit our boss or employees or family etc.... It's how we learn to manage those situations that matters....

So... Yes... While you never really want your child to learn that they should be forced to do things, I do believe there is a time and a place for emotional challenges. I would probably talk about ways he could feel more comfortable with him... And if he cannot think of ideas... I'd ask him if he would like me to help brainstorm some...... Then I would come up with a whole heap of different options... And help him make an appropriate decision for him...

It's this process that helps him learn to manage and regulate his emotions, as well as persist when things get tough.

I'd probably lean towards going with him on the excursion... But other things I might do (and maybe even do all of them ) would be....

.....see the movie with him PRIOR to the excursion... So it's not a new thing anyway....
.....teach him and practice some relaxation strategies for when/if he does get anxious....

Normally I say that if a school does something, it is important so sadly, no refusals unless it can kill (eg severe nut allergy child entering squirrel enclosure).

But seeing a film, one that is scary for under-7s? Um, what is the prep thinking of? If Liebling's school were to do this, I would be cross. It is not necessary and tbh, even with a "happy" film, the cinema experience can be overwhelming, loud and scary. Even for adults!

I would offer to go with him, if he still didn't want to go, I would keep him home that day.

Good on you for listening....I am the same as Tinks. I would offer to go, if you can't go keep him home.

I can't bite my tongue about the fact they are taking kids to a movie.... surely there is something more enriching they could do with the children!

Maybe it's the grumpy pregnant woman in me, but why on earth is the school taking kids to a movie, let alone a potentially scary one? Sure, maybe as the end of year special treat but even then it's totally unnecessary.

So no, I wouldn't make him go. Good on him for knowing his own limits. Even as an adult I am very affected by movies, and there are so many I saw with friends as a teenager that still bother me.

Let him say no now and he'll be more inclined to feel he can say no down the track when the stakes are much higher.

I would also be talking to the school about choosing more suitable and educational excursions in the future!

ETA on the day I'd be taking him for the best mummy-son date ever!

Can you go with him?

Nup, my DS wouldn't be going to that either!
Why traumatise him just to go to the movies?

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If you don't make him participate in the standard curriculum activities, he learns that he doesn't have to do things at school.... Sometimes in life we do have to do things that make us feel uncomfortable... Job interviews, difficult discussions wit our boss or employees or family etc.... It's how we learn to manage those situations that matters....

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I am not sure about this - I am not a big believer in the whole 'setting a precedent' thing - I think kids are smarter than that / also need to learn that situations are different all the time, and sometimes you have to do things, just like sometimes you want to do something that you have done before but just because you did it before doesn't mean it is suitable this time. Assessing individual situations for there respective merits is an important skill.

I don't know how you would convince someone the benefits of this particular event to be honest - how would you convince an adult that they should go see a movie they don't want to and feel scared of going to see.

Lenny - you asked about if what the excursion was made a difference - and yes in the end for me it is what the excursion is that makes the ultimate difference, I don't think you can answer any of the questions you ask without knowing what the excursion is - probably in the majority of school excursions I could think of what the benefits are that would make any anxiety worth it, but in this case I can't (your DS has probably done the same and can't see any plus points of it). Is it his first excursion? If is first prep excursion then it seems an even stranger choice.

I'm not suggesting that it's a good excursion... But I do think that I have chosen a school, I have to commit to the decisions they make regarding the activities they set (I would probably chat to them about why they have that activity set, cause I'm not sure it's necessary of or prep either...).

I don't believe in having a day off for this reason, i guess I'm trying to say that I think it's an opportunity for learning. I can see your point WYSIWYG, I'm just not sure at five they have learnt the skills to regulate their emotional responses to make an informed decision about what makes them comfortable or not and whether they can cope with that. It's a very adult decision to make. And some adults can't. I think during childhood it's our responsibility to teach them now to learn to manage these feelings.

But of course each situations different, and there may be a time when you have to decide it's not the right call for your child. I think we just need to be careful of protecting our kids from all difficult situations. We never learn if we don't experience tough stuff, and there is a tendency for people these days to not allow their kids to do those hard things or take risks and experience emotions - I don't think it's especially helpful. I just think we need to teach them how to manage those situations instead.

NB.... I agree with what you have said. Each situation is different. I just wouldn't avoid the situation all together, and I don't believe in skipping school due to anxiety. I have seen too many times that this goes badly.

I am in two minds about this whole excursion.

Like others have mentioned, I did change my mind when I heard that it was a movie. If it was another excursion that perhaps had some educational value attached to it I would have sent him and tried to go along as a parent helper.

But the movie changed my thoughts - is it really necessary? what educational value will have it?

Upon saying that if I chose to keep him home I would not be making it into an "awesome mummy/son date" as someone else mentioned - what does that teach the child? That if they don't want to do something that everyone else is doing they will be rewarded for it? No, life is not like that. If he chose not to attend to the excursion then he would stay at home with me and do all the normal things I would do and he would fit around that.

The anxiety needs to be addressed, yes, but in the meantime I don't believe there's value in shoving an anxious child into a situation bound to cause them distress.
What are you teaching your child when you ignore their distress and make them do something that causes greater anxiety?


ETA - and I don't see how it's a 'reward' to be spared likely trauma?

For me it is as simple as would you force an adult into this situation? If the answer is no then I think you really need to ask yourself why you would even consider doing so to a child, they are people too and deserve the right of consent - just because you sign up for a school doesn't mean you sign over your rights as a parent or their rights as a person. I would never force an adult to watch something they are uncomfortable with, let alone in a group of peers, in public. And this is a 5yr old - not wanting to traumatize a child unnecessarily is very different to being overly protective. Preparing kids for adulthood isn't a sprint, nor should it be done at such a cost to their life right now. There is room to be discriminative between what challenges you encourage them to face and which you support them in facing later or in smaller steps or never because really, you never have to watch a movie that doesn't appeal to you, that is not a life requirement.

I think it is dangerous to give a 5yr old the impression that their feelings are invalid and they cannot trust their own sense of discomfort because they are younger. Imagine who else could exploit that sentiment?

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I can see your point WYSIWYG, I'm just not sure at five they have learnt the skills to regulate their emotional responses to make an informed decision about what makes them comfortable or not and whether they can cope with that.

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So have they learnt the skills to regulate their emotional response towards the situation they feel anxiety over (whether this discomfort is valid or not in somebody else's book it is clearly very real to them) enough to handle it? To benefit from the situation?

Can I ask, is it the actual movie/content that is worrying, or the excursion itself - eg going to the movies in general, or the trip as it's away from school etc?
Would he happily go to a different movie? Or go on an excursion to another place?
Just trying to understand what part is worrying

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Upon saying that if I chose to keep him home I would not be making it into an "awesome mummy/son date" as someone else mentioned - what does that teach the child? That if they don't want to do something that everyone else is doing they will be rewarded for it? No, life is not like that. If he chose not to attend to the excursion then he would stay at home with me and do all the normal things I would do and he would fit around that.

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Actually, and not trying to be argumentative, but I will absolutely reward my children for not wanting to do something that everyone else is doing. There are many, many things I see the people around me doing (myself included) that I hope my children will have the guts to stand against. Certainly if it became a pattern then that would need to be addressed, but I can't see that rewarding a child for setting a healthy boundary will turn them into a lazy avoider of activities. :)

I know I mentioned it before, but I can't emphasise enough that if you're someone who is sensitive to movies, watching a movie that disturbs you (regardless of how harmless others think it is) is a really awful experience. The unsettled feelings stay with you for days and come back when you're feeling anxious (alone at night, etc). My family laugh at how much I can't handle movies, and that's fine - I can see the funny side. I might watch 2 movies a year these days! I appreciate that others love movies and find them relaxing and enjoyable, but I just don't want to fill my head with thoughts that make me feel yuck. The news has a way of doing that anyway!! :s

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For me it is as simple as would you force an adult into this situation? If the answer is no then I think you really need to ask yourself why you would even consider doing so to a child, they are people too and deserve the right of consent - just because you sign up for a school doesn't mean you sign over your rights as a parent or their rights as a person. I would never force an adult to watch something they are uncomfortable with, let alone in a group of peers, in public. And this is a 5yr old - not wanting to traumatize a child unnecessarily is very different to being overly protective. Preparing kids for adulthood isn't a sprint, nor should it be done at such a cost to their life right now. There is room to be discriminative between what challenges you encourage them to face and which you support them in facing later or in smaller steps or never because really, you never have to watch a movie that doesn't appeal to you, that is not a life requirement.

I think it is dangerous to give a 5yr old the impression that their feelings are invalid and they cannot trust their own sense of discomfort because they are younger. Imagine who else could exploit that sentiment?

So have they learnt the skills to regulate their emotional response towards the situation they feel anxiety over (whether this discomfort is valid or not in somebody else's book it is clearly very real to them) enough to handle it? To benefit from the situation?

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I am not suggesting that you are teaching a child to do things they don't feel comfortable to do, nor that they do to trust their feelings. I fact just the opposite. I think helping them work through those feelings is exactly teaching them to trust those feelings and that you trust them to be able to work through them. Its teaching them how to be comfortable to do the things that are difficult. I think that yes, as adults sometimes we DO need to learn how do do things that make us uncomfortable. I don't think it is healthy to avoid all challenging situations. I absolutely hate hate hate spiders.... But I deal with them, and when I see them I use breathing strategies and I learn how to manage those feelings. I don't always ask my husband to deal with it. He may not always be there.

Your child may be in a situation where they are anxious and you are not around to fix it, or take them out of that situation. You don't have to see a movie you don't want to.... But that's what a child gets practice in, they don't get practice at really traumatic things. They get practice at small things, that are anxiety provoking and stressful. We wouldn't put them in situations that are so traumatic they would develop PTSD or other mental illnesses. I'm not for a second suggesting that.

If you go through all the motions and decide at the end the movie is so traumatic that your child should not see it, then you have done whatever you can. In that case I would be very concerned about my child's level of anxiety and consider seeking advice from a psychologist to help us work through some strategies to manage that. But I don't think keeping your child at home is the answer. They still need to go to school, so I would suggest discussing this with the school and getting them to spend the day in another grade.

And before anyone compares this discussion to trauma situations, I am not for a second condoning perpetuating trauma. Like everything it's about balance. I suggested that the OP try to help the child work through the issue first, rather than trying to take the child out of the situation or jump in and try to protect them from it. They have to experience hard emotions to know how to manage them if they DO come up in the future.

Our DD1 (who will be 5 in Sept) absolutely loves movies but is terrified of the dog in Toy Story and a Cats The Musical scene on a Wiggles DVD! There isn't much that frightens her but those two things are very real and very traumatic for whatever reason. So if it was a similar situation to what our DD1 experiences then no, I wouldn't be sending him either. It's horrible watching how frightened our DD gets of those two random scenarios and forcing her to watch them would be cruel. I totally understand where you're coming from :hug:

myturn, I think you're right in that clearly, there's a case for working through the anxiety. This takes time, however. My son also has anxiety and I, too, might be criticised for pandering to him, when in fact I am only trying to minimise his stress. We are seeking help, but in the meantime he finds everyday life anxiety-inducing, I don't wish to add to that.
This is the perspective from which I answer the OP, seeing the tell-tale signs in her post about a kid with anxiety in need of loving understanding and care.
My son gets upset at any change in routine. A fun day at school and he's a nervous wreck. A movie.... oh boy, no thanks.

I would be questioning the appropriateness of sending a class full of kids to see a movie that is PG-rated. Our school keeps it to G-rated movies, in the older grades a permission slip is needed to watch a PG movie. My concern is that it seems like one of those movies that relies on violence to resolve the plot line (the first one did). That's questionable for a group of 5-6 year olds. How does that tie in to the curriculum? Surely there are milder movies they could attend, and if not maybe the teacher needs to find a broader range of excursion possibilities.

If that were me, I would be raising the issue if appropriateness of the excursion in the first instance. Then, it would be a choice of either accompanying him (if he felt ok with that) or keeping him at home for the afternoon.

A big thanks to everyone who replied. I read them all, and wanted to reply to each of you!

The school (there are 130 preps) is studying fairy tales, culminating in watching a fairy tale. I feel it is a terrible choice of movie, but want to resist the urge to be 'that parent' who always complains. Let's face it, deep down they want to take the kids on an excursion (yes, their first prep excursion) and this just fits the timetable.

I have discussed with his teacher and I can go with him. They will be discussing the movie in class formally (as well as in the playground, I'm sure). I have opted to wait a day or two before I discuss it again with him.

My son has never had a day off school. We has sent home once at 2pm because he fainted in class. He's thriving at school educationally and has never asked to not go.

I trust him with his feelings. I have to trust him about this. Sure, he's six, but that doesn't, to me, invalidate his wishes. I do not believe forcing him to attend this movie will be educational. Nor do I think it will benefit him emotionally or help him deal with his anxiety over it.
He doesn't really like swimming. But by god, every week I make him go. And he tells me what he thinks of it, and me. But he still goes.

He and I have been to two movies. The first time was The Lorax. His choice. He was terrified. He hated it. Spent the whole time on my lap under my arm with my cardigan over his head and his hands over his ears.
The second was Turbo. He spent 50% of the time on my lap with his hands over his ears screaming la la la to keep the noise out. The other 50% of the time he was on the floor with his head buried in my lap.

Coincidentally about 3 months ago my 4yo picked HTTYD from the video store. The 6year old hid in his room. Cried and sobbed when they put toothless 'in jail' because he knew toothless was innocent and didn't want him hurt.

I'm not sure that "emotional challenges" is an appropriate word to describe a trip to the movies. Maybe for some children, but not mine. Trauma. That's a better word. Like surprised said, she can laugh about it now, but why as adults we get to choose whether to subject ourselves to it, but children somehow get told it will be a good challenge for them? "It'll help him learn to persist when things get tough"? No, it'll remind him that he's different and that he needs to suck up his fear and emotions and not show them to anyone.

If it was a rock climbing excursion, yes, he'd be going. In fact, I know damn well he wouldn't ask not to, even though he probably wouldn't want to. In fact, it's dress up day soon and he hates dressing up, but has never once mentioned not going.

(I have since learned that a complex about an hour away does sensory movie sessions sometimes. I might try that sometime with him. But no hurry).

Thanks for the replies. It's nice to know I am not the only one who a) thinks the movie is a terrible idea for any child and b) thinks my little guy has a right to have his fears acknowledged and a right to say yes or no to things that happen to him.

Lenny, sounds like you know his limits well and provide enough challenges to keep him moving forward. Exposing him to something terrifying probably won't help anything.

Is the cinema at a complex? Are they going by bus? Could you go with him on the bus, find something else to do with him while the movie is on and then meet up with the kids again for the trip home? Then he gets some of the camaraderie of attending the trip and isn't left out but doesn't have to see the actual movie.

:hug: for you, because it is tough and I am sure you will make the best choice for him.

Whilst i agree with myturn, at the end of the day only *you* know what your child can and can't handle. If it is going to cause him (and you, in the aftermath) trauma then, no, I wouldn't make him go.

If you can go with him that's a great compromise.

I don't want anyone to think that I am saying his feelings are invalid or anything like that. Not at all. Just saying it needs to be worked through. Which it sounds like you are doing.

And I think you are right about their choice of excursion.... There are other places they could take them that would fit the brief better in my opinion. FX he feels better with you there xox

I wouldn't send him. It's to a movie, it's not like it's something that actually has anything to do with curriculum learning. If it was, I'd make him go, but because it's a social thing, I really wouldn't worry about it. Don't worry about the shared experience thing either - not a lot different to if all these kids saw it over a weekend in their own time and then talked about it at school anyway.

I totally get where you are coming from myturn. And we have parented both ways. In ways where teaching them the tools is an important part of the process. But we also allow them choices. And if i had discussed all options and worked through the tools and my child was still obviously distressed then I would not force them to go.

You can teach the tools without disrespecting or taking away power from a child. And in most cases this is more empowering than just obliging straight off. And in my friendships being challenged respectfully is something I encourage so maybe that's why this option works best for my family.

Ultimately you know your child best. And even if you do decide to keep him home I would still talk about how best to deal with situations that he doesn't like or may lead to social anxiety. Otherwise my concern is for when a situation like that arises and he isn't equipped to deal with it. All his fears will come true.

Our preps whilst studying fairy tales last year went to the fairy park near Geelong, the year before they went to a gingerbread factory and made gingerbread, given that it's a PG movie, I wouldn't be very impressed with the choice, there are plenty of other movies that could have been chosen (and viewed at school)

If it were an excursion to somewhere more educational I would try and go along with him eg our preps did the fairy park, aquarium and traffic school last year. But a movie I wouldn't send my dd as she freaks out over movies and has nightmares. She likes me to watch with her and we discuss what happens otherwise her anxiety goes through the roof. I would say you are better off having a mummy and ds day.

As another mother to a highly anxious child, no I wouldn't make him go if he didn't want to - to that particular excursion. Sounds like he's acutely aware of not only himself but other kids, mores perhaps than the average 6yo.
The aftermath isn't educational nor beneficial for emotional development - at least it wouldn't be here. It's trauma and recovery.