my baby isnt meant to be born let alone dead

:frown: last week i gave birth to my son at 21 weeks yesterday i buried him, my partner carried his tiny coffin to his grave and we among family and friends listened to his tiny story read out by the minister, i think im ok but i like to talk about it, my partners buried himself further into drugs feels angry and takes it out on me, he says he doesnt blame me but it sure feels like it, we decided against an autopsy but allowed an mri so we may never know what happened to our little boy that we named jesse. i feel like i cant rely on fmily to talk about it when i want, which i have to admit is frequently, i feel like im being pushed into penting it up, mostly i think because i appear to be coping well, where as my partner isnt so everybody wants to help and talk to him, even my mum shes my mum she should be more interseted in me, hes got ten million family members around and ive got my mum my dad and my aunt any ways now im just whingeing, would love to meet up with other mums in tasmania who have been through a similiar tradgedy !!!!

Im so sorry to hear of your loss. We are all here for you. Welcome to BB.

thanks kimbaz.

its so hard my son was so tiny only 25 centimetres long although he didnt look it, i always thought labour was terribly painful, but with jesse it was the most painful, i knew he wasnt going to cry or kick his little legs, all i have now is a few photos and some foot and hand prints, i know thats more than a lot of mothers but hell im greedy i want my son, a friend of mine had a baby at 24 weeks and today he is a healthy one year old im so jealous im angry at my partner who is currently snuggled in bed drowning his pain in sleeping tablets, we're supost to be there for one another, god i feel so angry and confused and lost im so glad i found this forum even if ya'll dont read it i can still vent it somewhere,

Your not greedy at all, your a grieving mother thats has lost a son. That must be the hardest thing one can go through. I wish i could give you a big hug and a shoulder to cry, some one to talk to. Ive never had a loss so i cant say i know what your going through. Let it be known that we here on BB are here for you no matter what your partner is doing. Its not the same. but its the closest we can do. Cherish the memories you have. Some mums i know make websites for their angel babies, plant a tree/flower etc. Maybe some ideas for you to think of.

Always thinking of you, as is Jesse as he looks down on the best mum in the world. ((HUGS))

you'll find people who'll read your threads here on BB and everyone is really supportive

i'm so sorry for your loss - you are right to want to deal with your grief in your own way - if that means talking (or typing as the case is here!), then talk away - no one can tell you what is right and wrong in dealing with your grief. i hope your family and the rest of your support network at home realise very soon that you need just as much support as your partner

your little boy is with so many other little angels now, watching over you - i know this is little comfort for you at the moment, but i know it to be true

take care - and know that you can vent on BB when you need to - so many people here have been through similar losses and understand what you're feeling.

thanks guys, it feels good to be able to go somewhere, i have two other babes at home to, my son b 4yrs and my daughter r 10 mths, im gratefull for them but i still feel a piece of me is missing, i havent been able to pick them up as my bleeding isnt right so im not allowed to do anything but play on the floor with them and even the cuddles i got there were so painful especially when my milk came in and they were crushing themselves against my breasts so ive not only been feeling useless to jesse but to bailey and ruby also

Bella,
I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your son-- I can not imagine how heart breaking it must have been to birth him. :hug:
You are definitely in the right place here-- there are so many amazing and inspiring women here to talk to. The girls on the TTC after m/c and loss and Preg after m/c and loss threads have been my saviours.
You have every right to talk about your pregnancy and your son-- it DID happen. It is usually only the discomfort of others that stops us talking openly about our losses. You are amongst friends here. WELCOME.
I will be thinking of you and your DH.

Hope xoxo

I am so sorry for your loss, you have found a very supportive group who will listen to you as much as you need!
Anger is just one emotion that you will feel during your journey, it will come and go, so feel free to vent it. All the emotions are better out than in - I have found anyway!
I have made sure that everyone knows I want to talk about Jemma, my angel, as she is a part of me and she is my first child. It makes it easier for them too because then they don't feel like they have to be careful what they say around me. Talk about your son as much as you want, he is your son and nothing will ever change that!
((HUGS))
Thinking about you, your DH and your other children.

Sarah

Bella, I am so sorry to hear about Jesse :hugs:

I do hope you find the support you need here on BB, in all honesty I don't know what I would have done without these women - they have picked me up when I no one else could. You do need to talk about it - as much and as often as you like - it's been 4 months for me and my son still consumes practically every thought and conversation I have.

You and Jesse are in my thoughts, take care of yourself.

Mel

Bella,

I'm really pleased that you have found BB - it's a caring and supportive network as I'm sure you are bound to find out for yourself. I hope that you find sharing your story here to be therapeutic, and rest assured that there will always be someone here to listen and reply to you.

I wish I had some words to comfort you, but I know that there are no words that could ever do that. All I can offer you is a friendly ear. I haven't been through what you have been through, but I have had 3 miscarriages and that was devastating enough. I truly can't imagine the pain you must be feeling. Please don't bottle it up - use these forums to help you through and to get the rollercoaster of emotions out there.

Which part of Tasmania are you in? I am in Hobart.

Bella,

I know how hard it is. Believe me, I have been there, the same as you. Only my hubby shows NO emoition hasnt talked about it, and has even refused to go to see a grief counsellor over it - not becuase I though he needed it - but for me. It is a hard line to draw - to show no emotion - like my hubby - or to be the one who grieves? I would suggest you seek professional counselling as I know it helped me.

You are not whinging you are grieving the lose of a child... Im lost for words.. Know that we are here if you ever need to talk..

Venting is good, you need to get your feelings out. Im so sorry for the loss of your beautiful angel Jesse, i love that name... Welcome to bellybelly, we are always here for you...

Bella,

I am so sorry for you loss. I feel the pain you are feeling - I lost my son in November last year at 37 weeks. I am struggling every single day but I have the support of some wonderful women on BB. Unfortunately every one grieves differently, I only wish we grieved the same and it would make things easier. Venting is good so feel free to do it.

Thinking of you and Jesse.

Thankyou to You All, Melinda i live in a place called Jericho up In the midlands, but im willing to travel if your willing to meet up. i dont think it matters when in your pregnancy you lose im sure its just as painful, maybe more as time goes by because youve had more time to bond but painful all the same, i feel for the parents who lost there baby before 20 weeks as they dont get to say goodbye properly, no funeral or anything, a friend of mine lost her baby at three months and has told me that in a way attending jesse's funeral has helped her, i am thankful that i can still "visit" jesse and tell him things even sing to him as i have done with all my babies, Jesse's death has most certainly opened up a door of new appreciation for my two remaining kidlings, my partner makes it hard because he seems to be pushing them away more anf the work load of everything is falling upon my own shoulders, it was only in the last couple of months that he really began to help, getting up to them of a morning to allow me to sleep in even getting up to ruby through out the night, unfortunately hes taken all this as reason to dump it all back on me, i havent ever coped well with parenting but i do my best.
thanks again guys, its nice to have people out there who understand my feelings and care..

Bella
I am so very sorry to hear of the loss of your beloved angel Jesse.
It is true that you can still visit Jesse and talk with him... my DH and I talk with Noah and buy him things... it is almost a year since we lost him... and we're planning to buy him an Angel day present for the day he was born.
It does get easier... though the pain is still always there, it is just less suffocating. I hope you and your DH can get through this together... perhaps you and your DH should look at getting some counselling... I know it has helped many other people in similar situations.
My heart and thoughts are with you.
Lisa

Bella, I am a regular on the Tassie thread and Melinda, Fraser and I meet up in Taroona. Feel free to visit us in the Tassie thread and we'll have a chat.

I am so sorry for your loss.

XOX

Bella - here is the link to the Tassie thread: https://www.bellybelly.com.au/forums...ad.php?t=25526

We chat a bit in there, but always welcome more members!!

It seems we have something else in common - I too have a daughter named Ruby. She is 3.5 months old. I also have a son, Jacob, who is nearly 2.5.

It's a very hard job being a parent - the hardest job in the world I think, but also the most rewarding. You're thrown into it without any experience and just expected to know what to do - so it's a continual learning experience.

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your son sending you so much love ((big hugs)) i wish there was somethhing i could say ... i just dont know
i am also a tassie mum and would be happy to meet up and or chat if you would like to

ok i have to ask what does DH stand for ........... you really dont wanna know what words i put to those initials.......................................... ........................ my partner agreed to relationship counselling lets see if he comes on the day,,,,,,,,,,, what a joke lol,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, im also seeing a grief counsellor later this month, hoping that will sort something out for me though, my aunty did tell me that we are reincarnated and every life we are in is too learn a lesson, and maybe jesse had learnt his, and im like yeah right what could he possibly have learnt, wasnt untill later i realised maybe he was my lesson as his death has definately opened a new door of appreciation for me with bailey and ruby, anyways im off to try for decent nights sleep thanks again for being here guys catch yas ssoon

:

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i am also a tassie mum and would be happy to meet up and or chat if you would like to

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im all for meeting up, it would be nice to spend time with people who understand the loss of a child, my mum had ten miscarriages, she finally found out why she couldnt carry and had a hysterectomy at the age of 40 so she is the only one i can spend time with that knows the feeling
catch you soon

:

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my aunty did tell me that we are reincarnated and every life we are in is too learn a lesson, and maybe jesse had learnt his, and im like yeah right what could he possibly have learnt, wasnt untill later i realised maybe he was my lesson as his death has definately opened a new door of appreciation for me with bailey and ruby

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I have already mentioned this little story in these threads before, but I would like to share it with you Bella.
My sister M/C her :angel:~Serenity~ at almost 15 weeks. She went through labour & delivered her little man at hospital, just like a normal labour. It was a hard thing for all of us there as he was a perfect little baby that fit in the palm of your hand. We all held him & my sister even got to have foot prints done, they are so tiny.
Mum is a very spiritual person. She sees/feels spirits & when the time was right for my sister she told us that when Serenity was born, there was a young boy sitting at the end of the bed. She went on to tell us about a little boy who was tragically killed after a short life of bad treatment & abuse which eventually lead to his death. He was only 3 or 4 ( we both remember the story in the news). Mum believes that the little man my sister carried for that short time was this little boy who had returned as he needed to feel what real love was, love that only a mother could share. She feels that this little boy got all the love he needed to feel in that 15 weeks my sister nurtured him inside her & was now able to move on to his next journey.

I find it a comfort that if this is the case for my sister, that is one hell of an honour. Sometimes it may not be a "lesson" that has to be learnt but just some thing that needs to be completed. But like you my sister also gained a new appreciation for her older son & also now has a new daughter. I also think that it put an end to a very unhealthy relationship with the father. I know that sounds terrible, but it really was a good thing.

I have never personally been through a m/c. Being with my sister at her darkest hour was a real eye opener for what it would be like to have lost a child. I hope that you & your family can start to heal soon. Jesse will always be with you & like I tell my sister, I am sure that when your older kids hug you, he will be wrapping his arms around you tightly through them.

hugs to you

Bella, i am so very sorry to hear of the loss of your precious little boy "Jesse".

Thinking of you.

Bythe way Bella DH is Darling Husband, DS is Darling Son and DD is Darling Daughter.

I wont tell you what I thought when I first saw them!! :)

fiona jill i think you may have something there, ive never been really religious or spiritual, however i dont like to take chances, my mum has a belief that unless a baby, child or adult has been blessed they never move on there souls just hang in limbo forever i dont know wether this is true or not but i had jesse blessed just incase,
my mum also told me that jesses death would make or break my partner and yesterday we broke, he took off in a fit of rage, on his learners licence on his own in his mothers car my dad took her to retrieve her car and he wouldnt hand it over just took off in it, she took a great step that day in no longer molly coddling her son rang the police needless to say he was arrested and charged, hes now at his own house considering rehab (hes an alcoholic and big marijuana smoker) hes not allowed to make contact with us for a week, next tuesday my mum will take the kids on a supervised visit to him, and get his decision regarding rehab, of course this being his second drink driving unlicensed offence (that hes been caught for) he may end up in lock up, for both his and the childrens sake i hope not but i have no control over these things and he will have to take any consequences he has brought upon himself, there may be hope in the future for us but it will be a long time if he cleans himself up as he will need time adjusting to the real world without two of his best mates, before he can even consider beginning to adjust in a relationship, if nothing else i hope that we can atleast be good friends in the future especially for the childrens sake
cheerios for now i have dd an ds to attend to, bless them there what keeps my world going round,

have any of you had older children who have been through stillbirth or m/c with you? my son doesnt seem to have any feeling about it he knows now that there isnt a baby in mummys belly and when i came home he told me he would get small and gt in my belly so i would have baby in there again and be happy, we let him attend the funeral but he didnt sem to grasp what was going on. has he grasped it and just getting on or does he not understand at all?

if you want to talk feel free to add me to msn, i hope he comes to his senses

HOw sweet of your DS. how old is he? I eould imagine that he doesn't understand what you lost as such, just that you are hurt.

how do i add you faeriegirl,? my ds is four and hates when im sad i stopped allowing tears to fall in front of him as he gets really upset by it and begs me too be happy again. my partner signed himself into sych ward today as he hates being alone and is feeling suicidal they had no bed in the proper ward so he agreed to stay in sych ward, it makes it hard when theres a waiting list at rehabs

It good to here that your DP is getting help.
You have a very caring DS there. My oldest is also 4, he too is very sweet & caring. When the Steve Irwin died, Evan seemed to understand & get a bit upset but then would ask why he didn't go to hospital to get fixed. So I think little bit of him knew but then the rest of him didn't understand why he couldn't be fixed.
Every Child would be different but I think it would be safe to say that your DS would understand that the baby is gone & that makes you & your DP sad. He may not understand "why" Jesse is gone. But really he doesn't need to understand that part, he can see your sad & that is enough for him to know you need those extra long hugs.
Little boys are so sweet. Evan cries if I cry, he cried when Glenn was a baby & had to have his needles, he cried when Isla was crying & I told him it was because she got a fright. He hates to see his loved ones cry.

hey people duess what dp has been off both the drink and the smoke for a week now and is a different person, he is on the waiting list for rehab but isnt really sure about going as he doesnt want to be away from me and the kids for that long especially as he wont be allowed contact with anybody for 10 days, he still wont talk about jesse though do i leave it, he took me out on our first date last week, and we were mucking around as though it really was a first date and i said to him " so tell me about yourself" and hes like " well i have two kids" and went on to say other stuff it kind of cut me up because even though one isnt with us we have three kids, i didnt know what to say so i just left it at that, how can i tell him it hurt without him being upset????

I think you probably need to give him time. Its fabulous that he's off the stuff, but you should encourage him to go to rehab.... 10 days is such a short time, when in the long term he would be a better person/partner
He's probably thinking he's only GOT 2 kids, I mean he HAD 3 but now he's only got two here KWIM???

I think the thing to keep in mind is everyone deals with death differently. I was watching John Edwards last night & he made a good comment about the "idiot zone" that surrounds the death of a love one. People who don't know what to say, how to act etc enter the idiot zone & often say they wrong thing. Not because they don't care, but simply because they don't know what to say or how to deal with it.

I too would encourage him to go into rehab. 10 days from you & the kids isn't a big deal. I think he is using it as an excuse.

ok guys any suggestions for a mum who suddenly has difficulty visiting her sons grave??

Take your time. There is no need to visit your son at his grave. You can just sit & take a moment to visit with him anywhere you are comfortable doing so. You can put flowers at home that are for him and he will know your thinking about him. His Spirit is always with you. I believe that your body is just a shell. Yes I understand that it makes its different when you have sopmthing to go visit, like his resting place. But his Spirit will always be where you are. Maybe you would like to make a special spot at home where you can sit & visit with him? Or is there a local park where you would of liked to take him? Maybe you could sit there.
Just know that he is with you no matter where you stop to visit him. I think he will understand if you find it difficult to visit his resting place at the moment. He would want your visits to be happy, not hard.

HTH's

xoxox