FF is not a crime

I have been given dirty looks and comments about giving my 8 week old formula in the parents room @ my local shopping centre. I had no choice but to formula feed her as she failed to thrive on breastmilk and was admitted to hospital for 10 days. I'm not shy so when given these looks / comments i have said i wish she could breastfeed but if we had continued she would have died. some magazines are not having any bottle advertising etc so i had to buy 1 of nearly every type of bottle to find 1 emma likes. just because breastfeeding needs to be looked upon as the best option does not mean that people have a right to look down on u for formula feeding. i feel alienated by many mum circles because there is not enough tolerance of the need to do what is best for your family.

Aww, Ali, some ppl just need to keep there noses out of other ppls business!! Being a great mum is what mothers aim for and if that means you chose to FF then that is right for you and DD... It's none of anyones beeswax why you are bottle feeding!!

You are doing a fantastic job and don't let anyone make you feel other wise!

Tanya

Ali, I am with you 100% I FF my DD for medical reasons and the criticims I got (and still get) were staggering.

I wish people would be more tolerant and stop thinking that there is only one way to nourish a child. Breastfeeding is not the be all and end all, and for some mums and bubs it simply doesn't work. I think some of the shall we say more vigorous advocates of breastfeeding are doing their cause a huge disservice by the stance that they take.

The only thing that is important is that mother and baby are happy and healthy. How they get that way is both irrelevant and none of anybody else's business. Being a mother is so incredibly difficult, and we all strive to do the very best we can by our children. It would be so much easier for us all if we were given support and understanding by our fellow mums, not criticism and denegration of the decisions we make.

Ali - You're absoloutly right, FF is certainly not a crime. I have one bub who was FF (apart from the first 8 weeks or so) and one who is still BF and I know it's tough FF and getting 'those' looks. But def happy mum = happy bub and sometimes it just doesn't work. As long as you are happy, bugger everyone else I say!

I had always breastfed my kids and was shocked to find just how rude people could be if you pulled out a bottle!! My son has cleft lip and palette and so has no choice but to have one, even though it is EBM. I even heard one lady comment to her friend "to lazy to feed that baby properly" when i got the bottle out. I proudly held my son up and said loudly to DH 'Isn't it great bottles were invented otherwise my son would of starved due his birth defect'. That shut her up fast :lol: EVERY mother needs to feed thier own baby the way that is best for THEM !!

I too am one of the mums that gets dirty looks when FF in public. At a family BBQ not long ago a long time "friend" ,whose bub is 2 months older than my DD, decided to let me know how she really felt when I was feedin DD. She told me that if I had tried harder at BFing that it would have happened. Despite me trying for the first 6 weeks, expressing every 3 hours-bub was 9 weeks early so couldnt BF, all I was able to get was 20 ml each time. I was forced to bf her from the nurses when she was big enough and even her rapid wieght loss meant nothing but put her back on the formula and she thrived and has continued to do since.

Some people need to shut their mouths and keep their opinions to themselves because they dont know the situation and as mothers only we know what is best for our babies!!

Amen to that. I'm sick of being made to feel usless due to FF Charlie. What is worse is people do not know the individual situations for why we choose to FF & it's even though it's not their business perhaps if they did they would just leave us alone. What gives them the right, also "people who live in glass houses", why comment if you haven't had all your babies, or one at all!!!!! I wouldn't put my bubs in any avoidable danger, I don't see FF as a danger at all. So if we love our bubs, keep them warm, safe & so on what's your problem!! I think it's worse when I see a 5month old bubs getting her ears pierced & to keep her from crying Mum gives her a Chocolate frog, but I didn't say anything!!!

Of course it isn't a crime, it is a necessary aid when all else goes wrong, I had to use formula when my son had bitten me to point i couldn't BF. But you girls are not alone, you should see some of the looks I get when I BF my baby these days. Some people seem to think that breast feeding your baby beyond six months is "sick". :rolleyes: You can't please everyone, don't even try.

I FF too from 12 weeks as I could only feed from one side due to breast cancer and know exactly how you feel about people looking down their nose at you because you pull out a bottle rather than a breast. My DS was only a little guy so he looked younger than 12 weeks and I always felt and still do that I needed to justify the bottle. FF babies do just as well as BF babies, my DS is bright as a button, clever, funny and very social. He is not sick more often than any other baby, he reached his milestones well ahead of the "norm" and I think he's just perfect the way he regardless of where his milk comes from.

Formula is a choice mothers make whatever that reason may be. It doesn't mean you are less of a mother nor should it be difficult to obtain eg prescription only. Women should be free to choose formula and be able to purchase their milk for their babies as easily as a mother can offer a breast. Putting restrictions on formula only serves to further descriminate against FF mums and create an us and them club.

Come on BFing mums give us a go!

I for one have never had to endure any mean comments at all when FF in public. I admire that there are women passionate about BF - and so there should be passionate women - but that gives them or anyone else no right to comment on the parenting choices made by someone else, particularly if they chose to extend BF and have to put up with comments about BF older children, sooner or later the shoe is always on the other foot. A little consideration goes a long way in life and it really serves no purpose to make nasty comments.

I am moving this thread to Formula Feeding General Discussion too...

Yes Sherie you are right people comment about BF too if they think you are BF too long. Don't they know there is no "correct" time to give up BF? It's just crazy, you can't win. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Pity people can't simply say what a gorgeous baby rather than comment on what is in the baby's mouth...

I've never had anyone look at me like that when i have pulled out a bottle of formula. If they haven't seen you make the bottle up you can always say it is EBM they are not going to know.

I always make it up just b4 use to avoid bad bacteria.

I had a lot of problems breastfeeding my babies, so changes to formula by 6 weeks. Nicholas wasn't gaining weight and had reflux, then started to refuse the breast altogether. After trying everything, with help from ABA, lactation consultants and my CHN, he still wouldn't feed, so we decided to put him on a thickened formula for reflux. He still had problems feeding, but slept better, started gaining weight and was a much happier baby! I guess I am lucky, as I have never had any negative responses to ff, but maybe I have just not noticed any looks my way!! I am appalled that people would make such ridiculous comments about someone ff their child, especially when they don't know their circumstances, and more to the point, what business is it of theirs anyway??

I agree with Krisp, it seems everything to do with babies is "damned if you do, damned if you don't" from what you feed your baby to control crying, everybody has something to say about it! With my next child I won't even think twice about following my instincts and ignoring everyone else instead of second guessing myself all the time. As a Mum you will do the best for your baby - FF or BF.

P.S I cannot believe how rude some people are, it blows my mind.

Laurin :)

This is my farewell post. I just want to say goodbye to all the lovely women (and few guys) that I have met on this forum.

It’s time for me to take a serious look at my life. And hope that everyone looks at their life in the same way.

I have a wonderful husband and two adorable children. And I spend far too much time online. Particularly on BellyBelly. I dread to think of the hours that I have wasted that would have been better spent with my beautiful family.

I want to be a mother that spends time with her kids; playing playdough and painting… and not regretting things later on in life when it’s too late. I don’t want to look back and say “gosh… I shouldn’t have spent so much time on BellyBelly… my kids have grown up”. I want to nurture the relationship that I have with my wonderful husband. I would rather spend an hour with him and my kids, then spend it online. I would rather spend time painting with my children, then find out that they have painted the carpet whilst I’ve been “too busy” online. Even if I spent an hour on myself (exercising, reading, relaxing… would make me a better person).

And if I do need “time out” to spend on a forum – I don’t want to be one of 10,000+ participants. I want to go to a small, friendly forum. Reminds me of the “Cheers” theme song (for those that are old enough to remember Cheers….)

…Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name,
And they're always glad you came;
You want to be where you can see,
Our troubles are all the same;
You want to be where everybody knows your name.

So to all those that see this post….
Farewell…. Adios…. Au revoir…. Shalom…. Bye…

For those TTC… I send my best wishes that you are blessed with babies. For those that have children… spend time with them.

Imagine there is a bank account that credits your account each morning with $86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day.
Every evening the bank deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out every cent, of course?
Each of us has such a bank. It's name is TIME.
Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds.
Every night it writes off as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to a good purpose.
It carries over no balance. It allows no over draft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day.
If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours. There is no drawing against "tomorrow."
You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness and success!
The clock is running!! Make the most of today.

To realise the value of one year, ask a student who failed a grade.
To realise the value of one month, ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.
To realise the value of one week, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realise the value of one hour, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realise the value of one minute, ask a person who just missed a train.
To realise the value of one second, ask someone who just avoided an accident.
To realise the value of one millisecond, ask the person who won a silver medal at the olympics.

Treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time with. And remember time waits for no one.
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why its called the present.

Don’t waste another hour, minute, second……

:

---

Most formula feeders don't give their babies formula for pure convenience or because we think it's best. We do it because we have no other choice!

---

I agree. I had a friend who is of the belief that everyone had a hard time and you just need to perservere. That's fine but at what cost? I had severe PND, attachment issues, a baby that never slept and screamed all night, mastitis and such damaged nipples. Was I supposed to have a complete nervous breakdown? She still makes snide remarks about it as she was able to breastfeed her bub past 12 months. I just ignore her as I know in our case I did what was the only thing I could. Mind you if she keeps it up I just won't have anything to do with her.

As for people in public, I was in a feeding room once and everyone was breastfeeding with their friends/mums/sisters with them. All those not feeding were also sitting and not one gave me their chair and I had to stand feeding a screaming 6 week old. That is the only time I thought I was being punished for FF but we survived. I never look around when I am out and about feeding him, I am too busy watching how he is going and talking to him.

Don't worry about them or just tell them to take a long walk off a short pier. You are doing a great job and people should just mind their own business.

I FF my first as I had such troubles & she was literally starving & I had chunks torn from my nipples! I was so angered, upset & hurt at myself for not being able to feed my baby naturally. My first time at a New Mothers Group I was the only FF Mother, by the 3rd class there were 6 of us FF & 11 BF, by the end of the 3rd month there were 9 FF babies & the rest were BF, with a few having FF top ups..
No one judged me though, I only judged myself & put the pressure on myself!

Baby #2 arrived & attached perfectly (I was so afraid of BF, much, much more so than birth!) I fed her til she refused breast at 14mths, we then found out we were expecting #3... Again I was afraid of the first few wks of BF more so than the birth, I am succesfully demand feeding him...

In my experience I was my own worst enemy with DD#1 as I jusged myself...
However when BF DD#1 I had ppl ogle me, comment on how long I planned to force her to breastfeed for etc...
So far with DS I have sat in a food court eating lunch with my family when he cried at about 3 or 4 wks of age, I picked him up draped a sarong over me us whilst I fed him..
The look I received from a purple haired old bag was outrageous, meanshile she smiled at a young girl whom was shoving McDonalds Chips & Burger into her 4 or 5mth old babies mouth!

From that day on I have ignored looks, stares, ogles & judgement of others (well probably as a young kid I havent really cared about others opinions of me) but still this made me realise that ppl will always judge, their jugdgements are never important... It's more important what we think, how we feel & what we are happy with, anyone else's opinion of me & my parenting choice just doesnt factor into my life!!!

As Mum's we will forever be criticised, no one way is perfect for everyone, just do whats best for your individual circumstance & be proud knowing you are!!!!

:

---

I FF my first as I had such troubles & she was literally starving & I had chunks torn from my nipples! I was so angered, upset & hurt at myself for not being able to feed my baby naturally. No one judged me though, I only judged myself & put the pressure on myself!

---

I certainly haven't had anybody directly say anything to me. If people are staring at me, I just smile and it usually prompts them to smile back.

I do have to say though I feel compelled to almost whisper that my DD is FF b/c I am waiting for them to have a go, but nobody has. Also probably b/c I put in why she is FF, again justifying my decision......

Your comments above Tracey are exactly how I felt, everybody was supportive of my decision to swap to FF, it was me who kept questioning my decision, sometimes still til this day.

I can't understand why women/people aren't more supportive of parents, in particular mums. Why do people feel they have to judge, rather than offer support or just listen?

To be honest, and this is by no means having a go at anyone, I see more anti FF sentiments online than in real life. I think it's because the written word lacks the body language etc and can be easily taken the wrong way.

I think there is definitely pro breastfeeding sentiments online but I wouldn't class that as anti ff ;)

I totally agree with you Tracey, I never had anyone directly say anything to me but I think I beat myself up more than anything which allowed my perception to change iykwim? Ironically IRL I had more people tell me I should switch to formula than I ever did people judge me for it, but I definitely judged myself. Now I look back I think I did the best I could with the knowledge and support I had at the time.

:

---

As for people in public, I was in a feeding room once and everyone was breastfeeding with their friends/mums/sisters with them. All those not feeding were also sitting and not one gave me their chair and I had to stand feeding a screaming 6 week old.

---

This happened to me on a few occasions as well! I BFed but would walk into a baby's room only to have all the chairs occupied with people who weren't feeding and didn't have a baby. Just wanted to sit there chatting with their friend, who did have a baby! Ooooo it used to peeve me no end!

One the last occasion, I actually asked an older lady to please move so I didn't have to balance Charlie in my arms to feed him. And she did and at least had the decency to look embarrassed about it too. Sometimes people just don't think!

I cant believe the number of responses this has had with similar experiences to mine! its getting more than 1 post per hour since i put it on! Unfortunately my dad is one of those people that thinks BF should b done in private and he's only 49! but when i was bf i told him that there is no way i'm going to sit in an unhygenic place forthe sake of privacy and you couldn't see anything anyway. now im ff i tell dad that pulling out a bottle for such a young baby is more embarrasing than bf in public. When I was bf most ppl smiled when they saw me feeding but now i get that stern 'u shouldn't b doing that' look. some ppl just need to learn that judgement is the worst thing u can do coz 4 every judgement u make 3 are made back at u.

ah man the amount of judgement I've copped is ridiculous. At our local shops, if I give Jovie a dummy its wrong, if I breastfeed her its disgusting, if I give her a bottle I'm not doing whats right for her, if I dress her in a cloth nappy I'm an idiot, if I use disposables I'm killing the environment, if I don't put a beanie on her head in winter I'll give her a cold, if I put a beanie on her she'll get too hot.....

I've heard all of these, and everytime I go I hear something. So I've stopped going there.... its too much. It wears on you after a while knowing everyone's watching your every move as a mum & it will be wrong no matter what you do.

*hugs* girls the only thing that matters is our love for seeing our babies thrive.

so true Christy

[QUOTE=Cailin;966500]I think there is definitely pro breastfeeding sentiments online but I wouldn't class that as anti ff ;)

That is a really important point Cailin. Many women seem to interpret pro-breast feeding statements as anti-formula feeding. If you have a vaild reason to FF then pro-breast feeding comments shouldn't bother you. I've used formula but I didn't feel the slightest bit guilty... why was that? Because I knew I had no choice; my nipples were bleeding, i had to give them a rest, there was no other choice. I acknowledge that pro-breast feeding statements are very much needed. They are needed to educate women as to the truth and to counter act the false claims of the formula making companies in their ads. If pro-Bf comments weren't made then more and more women would believe that artificial milk is better than the milk their own bodies make. Would FFing mums really want all women disempowered like that? Would they prefer that the artifical companies rake in the bucks from women who are able to BF, and who would prefer to BF but have been convinced that formula is superior? I don't get it?

I don't have a problem with the pro breastfeeding advertising etc, its just the looks and comments from the general public. if ur baby can and does breastfeed then fantastic but ppl need 2 b more understanding of those with a medical need 2 use formula. I really wish that em could breastfeed but she just can't. Sarah did and grew well but if i had continued em would have died. she was literally skin and bones. i will post fotos soon of in hossy n after, 4 weeks from her admission. if u see these u will understand my dilemma.

Ali, well I would have also received those exact same looks as I often took expressed breast milk and put it in a bottle to feed in public when attaching was too painful to do in public. So I think that FF mums really should try not take it too personally. ALL mothers are judged.


From my experience I've never heard a FF mum being judged in a negative sense, only if she cites an untruth such as "formula is better for my baby than my breast milk because it has more ingredients". I have never heard a FF mum criticised if BF was impossible. I would personally feel a bit sad for a baby if the mum could breast feed but chose not too, because for example; she thought it would make her breasts sag (a friend of my mothers stated this as a reason for not feeding) but even then I would not say anything even though she really should be corrected as BF doesn't make breasts sag, age and unsupportive bras do.

I agree Ali, people in the general public should not be so judgemental, but that's life and we are all affected. If it's not the way we feed it's every other aspect of parenting where there is more than one way of doing it.

I think it is better to raise your own self esteem rather than to demand the impossible, society is never going to change. However one thing that can and should be changed is misconceptions regarding breastfeeding.

u r so lucky to live in an area where people aren't so bold as to say anything. it's not fair that ppl don't feel the decency to keep their judgements to themselves and that is my whole point. i have been to bf info sessions and heard lc's say that every1 can bf and it's that attitude that upsets me bcoz it makes us that cant feel inadequate and then there are some ppl that stregthen that feeling of inadequacy by not keeping their mouths shut and/or looking away if they don't like it. the only thing that keeps me positive about ff is that it is best 4 my family and my daughter because we had no other option.

this is not a judgement, just a suggestion.... but for those that are FF young babes for medical reasons, is there any reason you can't re-lactate and both BF and FF after the innital problem is sorted out?! surely that would be the best of both worlds?? even if the babe was only getting minimal breast milk, the benefits of being skin to skin,the comfort etc for both mum and babe is worth it??

Hopefully, in some cases, medical issues that were problems in the early days may have been rectified and over time, with sufficient lactation support (and there is LOTS out there) you may be able to BF full time again?!?

from the sounds of things, those that have posted wish they could still or have continued the BF journey.... just wanted to mention that it's totally possible to re-lactate if that's something you might be interested in trying.

Ali it is painful people saying things to you. I still get it all the time for other things than FF. & even though I "know" better, it can get to me on a hard day. When you are struggling with knowing that you are doing the right thing for your baby even more guilt is placed onto you. People don't need to judge but they feel compelled too. I don't understand why complete strangers feel like they have a right to tell you what you "should" be doing.

ETA: Laura, I did try to relactate with Matilda. It didn't happen after a week of hard hard work. It was devestating mentally & emotionally. With Jovie I fought tooth & nail against breast refusal & reflux and am still feeding her, but with Matilda it was impossible. I was ill advised & no one was around to help me, and then left to feel guilty like I hadn't done "enough" without support.

:

---

To be honest, and this is by no means having a go at anyone, I see more anti FF sentiments online than in real life. I think it's because the written word lacks the body language etc and can be easily taken the wrong way.

---

I forgot to agree with this! The whole anti FF thing never really registered with me until I started joining online forums. I just assumed that most mums BF and those that couldn't had to use formula (except for that mum who didn't want her breasts to sag). I guess i didn't realise that so many women had problems BF until I came online which would make you wonder why there is more vocal criticism of FF online when there are enough stories to explain why it is necessary.

What makes me sad is when the mums who have to use formula become annoyed by pro BF posters etc. Why don't they want other mums to be notified of services like the ABA? Why do BFers have to refrain from helping other mums via communication.

If you feel sensitive about an issue when it is not warranted (you should not feel guilty for using formula if you have no other choice) then that is ok, seek help about it. But it is not fair to translate that sensitivity into a desire to censor pro-BF messages. It is paranoia to think that the pro-BF message is meant to make you feel guilty. It is not. It is to help women who want to be helped. It is to encourage the women who desperately want to BF but are going through a rough patch. Women deserve encouragement and the general public need to know that BF is not always easy and to be more supportive.

These comments are general, not directed at anyone.

bath, pro bf is great! it is a good idea to encourage ppl to seek help but when that help does not fruit in continuation of bf despite all attempts ppl need to b more sensitive. personally i think we r all missing the fact that this is not an anti bf post. it is about tolerance and avoiding judgementalism. I'm not bagging ppl that r lucky enuf to bf, i'm just asking 4 more understandin 4 those who cant.

I agree Ali, whilst pro bf is great and many put ff reactions down to guilt etc it wouldn't hurt for people to be more sensitive at times. It can be really hard to read about trying all these different things when you feel like a failure and it is hard not to have an emotional reaction to that.

eta and I am not saying for a minute to censor those who are pro breastfeeding and to be honest I haven't encountered it on BB either. I am very pro breastfeeding, just couldn't continue to do it myself this time just like Ali

I agree Ali, sorry, you're right, this shouldn't be an anti-BF debate. But maybe you could help me... what should be said to women who choose to FF for reasons other than because BF is impossible? What should be said to the woman who doesn't want to BF because she believes it will make her breasts sag? Should we respect her misconception? I know that women like this are a tiny tiny tiny minority but still, what should be said?

Can I answer that? I don't think anything needs to be said. Perhaps this woman places a great deal of importance in her self image and that means a lot to her (just a theory). So if she is already ff why judge her and tell her she is wrong. At the end of the day it is her body and as a mother she has made a choice based on her circumstances.

I agree that we all receive judgmental looks or comments for just about anything. I know when I change DS in public I brace myself for comments about using cloth. It's silly that I'm sensitive about it.. I haven't really had many comments.. I mainly got comments when I was 'planning' to use cloth.

I still find myself a bit nervous b/fing in public, and sit there with a mindset of daring them to say something about me b/fing my toddler while I'm pg. So I think if it's something you are sensitive to, sometimes your back can be up before anyone even says or does anything, and if the subject is even mentioned in passing it can be taken to heart more than need be.

Perhaps this is why I stopped visiting the MCHN so early on.. I always went in there ready to defend my ways of doing things LOL. Everything will be water off a ducks back this time around I can tell you! Definitely learn to shrug off comments that annoy. I've learnt not to be easily offended, and it makes life a lot more pleasant :)

Salsa: I agree, i personally wouldn't say anything. But she is wrong and unless she has surgery her breasts will end up sagging as she grows older anyhow. So a baby has missed out on an optimal start to life because of a woman's vanity. IRL I would keep my mouth shut. But here, in this hypothetical discussion i freely admit that i feel sad for the baby.

I agree salsa, I don't think anything needs to be said. Not unless that woman has specifically asked for your opinion or invited you to express it. She has made that choice and if she is happy with that choice, then who are we to say anything? Each to their own. If a woman said to me, 'I don't want to BF because it will make my boobs sag', I would probably tell her that is unlikely and in my experience your boobs tend to sag anyway with pregnancy and age, but honestly, do you really think she would care what I thought? If she wants to FF she wants to FF and in most cases when you have made the decision to bottle feed, for whatever reason, the last thing you want is someone else putting their two cents in.

And I think that in Australia there are really very few women who actually think that formula milk is superior to breast milk. Even if a woman thought that before having her baby, by the time she gives birth she would have been better informed by her midwife/doctor/child health nurse.

ETA: Bath I understand what you mean about feeling sad for the baby, but in all honesty it could be worse. The baby is lucky to be born to parents who will love and provide, in a prosperous country such as ours, even if the mother is a bit vain.

Personally I think that women that use the excuse of saggy bbs have heard horror stories about bf attempts and dont want to risk having difficulties, but they don't want to share this fear because they feel they will b judged, but thats just my opinion, and it's probably wrong but i like to think it. It would be lovely in a generation or 2 time to be able to say to our kids n grandkids that the generations b4 had a disadvantage in that FF was looked upon as the best thing by the general public and BF was not tolerated but in their time both are accepted as a way to feed your baby and that the only reason formula is used is medical intervention for those who can't bf.
When I was at school, my biology teacher made sure he told us that BF does not cause sagginess and I think it is being taught in schools now because of the FF history. I can't believe how many ppl are so passionate about this!