An interesting article- food for thought.
Any thoughts? Opinions?
A top obstetrician on why men should NEVER be at the birth of their child | the Daily Mail
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An interesting article- food for thought.
Any thoughts? Opinions?
A top obstetrician on why men should NEVER be at the birth of their child | the Daily Mail
Permission has been granted to post this link!
Well, well ... interesting read. What he says make sense. Don't know if it's right or wrong, but I can see his point of view and thinking of some men .. and women ... I get what he is saying.
Whilst i can see where he is coming from, i personally really disagree.
There is no way my labour would have been shorter without him.
It was especially the moments labouring at home that gave me the confidence to stay calm while in labour. DP gave me so much strength, so many words and so much of his time...
He did not act scared, shocked, anxious or uncomfortable. He knew what to expect, and even when we encountered the unexpected he was still by my side one hundred percent of the time.
Noone else could have given me that support... I know this as I had my mother & my grandmother present at the birth, and my mum tried, and she tried hard, but nothing could compare to the kind of connection that I had with DP during labour and the birth of DS.
I especially disagreed with the following...
As much as you forget 'everything' once baby is born, I think I would be distraught that DP was not there with me.:
Physically, in order to deliver the placenta with ease, her levels of oxytocin - the hormone of love - need to peak.
This happens if she has a moment in which she can forget everything about the world, save for her baby, and if she has time in which she can look into the baby's eyes, make contact with its skin and take in its smell without any distractions.
Also this - I would have thought a lot of men would see their partners as the ultimate, having been through so much to bring his much adored children into the world?:
The final question I would like to see answered is what, if a man is present at birth, will be the effect on the sexual attraction he feels towards his wife over the long term?
If I was to have been a single woman giving birth then of course I would not grieve for my partner's loss in missing out... someone else would be 'acceptable'... but why should he not be entitles to see the birth of his child if it is especially what he so chooses?
***too tired not making sense***
It's interesting that he's come to this conclusion after seeing so many births... I guess he's seen a lot to make him feel that way but he obviously needed to see my H during my labour! I wouldn't have wanted him anywhere else but right with me sharing the birth of our child.
I thought it was a great article, and I have thought similar to this for many years. DF and I had very lengthy conversations about whether he would be present and what role he would play in the birth. It was largely through these discussions and the research they inspried that I learnt a lot about the hormones etc of birth...and I think that had I not had a c/s I wonder if I would not have had him there present for the birth (save the fact that I didnt have anyone elseas a supprot person in Perth)
Having said that, if DF reallywanted to be present I dont see hwy he shouldnt, if its a mutual decision.
PS: poor guy that up and became schizophrenic though!!
I know i would have been lost without my DP there but then i didn't have any other support people available but DP has commented many times on how useless he felt and how hard it was watching me in "pain", but he also is so glad that he was there to welcome both children into the world
Interesting article though and probably very valid in some cases.
I disagree with that article. Though it may be the case for some couples, it was not the case for me. i would not have been able to go through labour without my husband by many side. Whenever he left the room I got all panicky and when he came back to hold my hand, or wipe my face with a cool cloth, or rub my back, I could relax again. I too would have been distraught without him there. DS is as much his as mine and I think it was right that he should be there to see him enter the world and cut the cord. I can't even imagine him not being there for it.
I'm another who would have been inclined to immediately dismiss such a statement, until I saw that it came from such a well respected source. Purely from my own experience, I do not agree. My partner was capable, calming and the greatest form of support I could have had, if anything he helped me stay in the right frame of mind to deal with the birth, and our relationship is strengthened, not diminished by experiencing the birth of OUR son.
As I ended up with an emergency c/s (due to an entirely physical reason - nothing that could even remotely be related to my choice of birth support), my partner was the first to hold our son. I am grateful that he was able to do this, as I was not, and he got to bond with his son in a way that was really valuable.
Interestingly though, studies have been done on the effect of the attendance at birth on fathering, which demonstrate a greater involvement in all aspects of child-raising, fathers feeling a stronger bond between themselves and their child, as well as a lower incidence of child abuse. This has been linked in part to the release of birth hormones and pheromones but can also be anecdotally correlated with the increased direct involvement of fathers in child-raising in the generations since men have been attending births.
As much as my DH wanted to be at the last birth, I really wish he was not around. His way if dealing with things is with aggression. I am screaming for an epidural and rather than being supportive "come on you can do it" he just yelled "you don't bloody want an epidural!". All that did was make me tense up, make the pain worse and basically not help at all with me coping. I know he meant well and that is his way, but it was not what I needed at the point. I also spent too much time worrying about him due to the long labour. I did give him the option of opting out early on and I would have organised a doula, but he thought he could do it. It was hard on him to see everything go wrong and I think he needs to debrief to someone about it all. Whilst now we can laugh about all the yelling and swearing when he threatened to throw the sadistic little ob out of the window, it was not conducive to being able to birth.
This time around he will be there, but I am arranging additional birth support mainly for me, but there will be benefit for him. He wont have to worry so much, and if need be go off and have a break if need be.
I would like it to get to a stage where it is acceptable for a father to choose to not be at the birth and acceptable for a mother to refuse to have him there. It is really great that some of you have had wonderful births with supportive partners, but you need to respect and not dismiss that others would have been better off with their partners not there.
I love that this ob is standing up and voicing his opinions. :clap: to him for that.
The release of the hormones is an intersting aspect - this has never crossed my mind. I know my DF will be talking to me constantly and i will just want to tell him to shut up! And he will be stressed, very very stressed, adn yes i can see how this will rub off on me.
But, i would be so angry if he couldnt push that all aside for the birth of our child. Ha - i would want him to "be a man" at the moment that is most sacred to womanhood. What a paradox.
Thankyou for this article, good food for thought!
I guess it depends on the couple. My DH was a rock and being able to hang onto him really made me feel calmer and more centered.
As for being full of adreniline and stress, DH went to sleep during my first labour and campaigned to have a sleep in the second too - "since you won't be using the bed..." :rolleyes:
DH caught Yasin and passed him straight to me for cuddles and after we had marvelled for a while (actually DH marvelled, I was just glad he was out and I could relax) he helped me to attach him for his first feed.
Second labour ended in c-section and I can't imagine doing it without DH - being in the theatre alone would have been awful.
It certainly hasn't ruined our sex life.
I only know of one couple not of my parent's generation where the husband didn't attend the births of his children and they're divorced now.
Although it worked for us I do agree that it shouldn't be a rigid orthodoxy. If a couple doesn't feel comfortable with it then that's ok - there aren't rules.
IMO the presence of extra female support people can help to negate any problems the man may have and help him to support his partner better.
I have very much respect for Micheal Odent and I tend to agree. It shouldn't be a given that partners are at the birth.
I had a lot of trouble being distracted by my partner and my sister (no kids) at the birth of DS. I couldn't help but worry about how they were coping, if they were bored etc. (My DD who was 12 at the time was brilliant!).
My dad was actually told to p!ss off by the Sister when I was being born - he was pacing and sweating and I was #5!
I was not going to have Dp in when DD2 was born, but I ended up allowing it because we had a Doula and I totally trusted her to be able to see when either of us was becoming stressed with the situation. In which case we didn't because she gently guided him to be a good support. I felt let down by my partner initially with DS, but when I look back - who was I to expect him to understand??? He's a bloke!
One of my requests for my last birth was that I was the one to call the sex, no one else. TBH - I found so many people craning to see - what is it? boy or girl? what his name? can I hold first? I DIDNT CARE A HOOT I just wanted to hold him close to me.
With DD2, I must have held her for a good 15 minutes before I even bothered to look. So quiet, holding my bubs, smelling her sweet head -it felt like there was no one else in the room - so much better than the cacophany that seems to happen as soon as bubs is out.
In a perfect birth for me, I would be surrounded by wise women, chatting quietly, laughing - no need for a man at the crowning (pun!) of my womanhood!
ETA - however I do agree with Suse on the incidence of abuse lowering dramatically if a partner is present.....
This has me pondering... is this OB planning on retraining and leaving the birthing industry as he's a man then? :P
Michel Odent is world renowned - he did the In the Womb books too.
ETA - Michel Odent developed the maternity unit at Pithiviers Hospital in France in the 1960s and '70s. He is familiarly known as the obstetrician who introduced the concept of birthing pools and home-like birthing rooms. His approach has been featured in eminent medical journals, and in TV documentaries such as the BBC film Birth Reborn. After his hospital career he practiced home birth.
I tend to think that the increased requirement for intervention has more to do with birthing becoming more prevalent in hospitals than in the home. This being that the stress increase for the woman being in unfamiliar surroundings would be higher in a hospital environment which can stall the progression of labour.
My DP was my hypnobirthing partner so it was his job to keep me focused through everything and without him there I definitely would have lost my focus and possibly panicked.
As he says though, it is only "his observations" so the data is highly subjective and totally based on his own experience. Maybe the combination of him being there with the male partner was the determining factor, not the male partner alone. IMO there are too many variables to make this opinion hold any scientific weight from a research perspective.
*snap*:
IMO there are too many variables to make this opinion hold any scientific weight from a research perspective.
Excellent point Astrid!! :clap: Each of us are different and there is such a breadth of difference in the birthing experience, what works for one couple may not work for another.:
One thing that I did find interesting is Dr Odent's findings are very much consistent with his birthing methods which encourage internalisation techniques - it would be good to see a broader study done to see if the findings are replicated. He is spot on with his theories on the role of adrenaline in the birthing process, which does explain why some support people - male or female - are more conducive to the process than others (different people have different responses to stresses - some have an adrenaline response, others don't). And it's not to say that the men who have the adrenaline type responses are unsupportive per se, they are just not conducive to the birthing process.
My 2 cents:
If my DP hadn't of been at the birth of Riley, I wouldn't of had the nerve to stand up for myself to deny their directed pushing, and also their threats to give me an episiotomy.
If he hadn't of been at Elijah's birth, there would have been no-one there to help the midwife help hold me up after my hips and knees buckled from the force of Elijah decending (I stood up to pee and that was it). When she whipped my undies off (don't even remember it, she was that swift!) Elijah's head was bulging.
If Andy hadn't of been there to hit that buzzer then dash over to help, Elijah really coulda been in some trouble, as I was pretty much stuck to the spot with my body bearing down uncontrollably.
After the birth, it was really special sharing the first moments of our boys lives with him - I don't think it would have been the same without him there.
I think it's important that men be encouraged to support their partners if they are willing to be there.
Wow what an interesting article, one of the more enjoyable reads that I have had for a long time.
I thought his arguements were well thought out and even to a certain extent "justified". Whilst I understand the womens need to have her male partner there at the birth of their child I can certainly see how this could be a hindrance.
My DH was at the birth of our children, and whilst he was certainly a great help and it was reassuring/bonding to have him there, truthfully that role could have been done by someone else who equally had my trust eg a doula, my mum etc.
I think it comes down to choice, if both partners feel comfortable then certainly go ahead, but if one or the other is even wavering a little bit its most probably best not to have them there.
I didn't even bother reading the whole thing. IMO it depends on the couple I believe if a Man can't handle seeing his wife bring his child into the worlds & up runs away never to return then something was wrong with that relationship long before the birth. Same goes for relationships that die after the birth. I don't understand how something so wonderful can bring a relationship to an end.
My DH was very supportive & I didn't hinder my birth(s) at all.
I don't believe a man should be forced to be there, but he should have the balls to say "I don't think I could handle it" rather then be there & be an un supportive mess
Maybe so - but it isn't very socially acceptable to do that these days. Dads are expected to be there and people look down on them for not being interested. The reality is that a lot of men are thoroughly unprepared for what labour will be like for them and their partners and in our culture, they are often the only support person.:
but he should have the balls to say "I don't think I could handle it" rather then be there & be an un supportive mess
In history, women were supported by women when birthing. Women who had experience of birth. When birth moved to hospital, that was taken away and women were not given any emotional support at all. This is the place that many of our mothers and grandmothers are coming from when they tell us their birth horror stories. Finally, Dads were invited in to the birth rooms - but they were only there to watch and hold hands. We often expect too much from men in the birth rooms. Some can rise to the challenge and are prepared beforehand, but others are at sea watching their partners in pain. For me, I need a woman who knows what it feels like, who has 'walked the walk', with me.
My DH told me during my 1st pg that he had no particular interest in being at the birth, but he knew that I would want him there. He was right - we were living O/S at the time and had no family or close friends around.
Turns out...he is the world's worst birth support! To be fair, neither of us were really prepared for the reality of a first birth in a hospital. The second time around, he was much better but the labour was only 3 hours and smooth as silk. Third time, I got a doula! The pressure was off and he could relax and enjoy watching our DS make his appearance.
This time, he will be catching at home. He is a much better birth support now, but it has taken 3 attempts! Experience has taught him when to shut up and stop making jokes and where exactly on my sacrum to apply pressure and when. But I will still have a doula - at the end of the day, I would still prefer to be reassured by someone who really knows - it's just more believable.
C
Hi,
Well I can definitely understand and agree with his points in terms of the neo cortex and beingspoken to etc and the bonding after birth but I have to say that anyone who comes into contact with a women in labour can cause problems because of these things (what about being asked questions by midwives when you reach the hospital) If a support person (man or women, dad to be, mother, friend, aunt whoever) knows these things they can be a great birth partner however they could also be a bad birth partner if they do the wrong things!
I personally know that I would NEVER choose to give birth without my husband there. In terms of the sexual relationship prior to the labour Phil said he wouldn't watch Noah crowning and being born etc he would just stay up nest to me (because he said if he saw he would never look 'down there' the same again but half way through labour he changed his mind and said he would watch the whole thing - he did and loved it. The experience has bought us closer together, I don't know what labour would be like without Phil, I don't know if I could handle it!
While some of the ponts from the article seemed valid, many others did not add up for me.I can understand where he is comming from, however I do disagree and feel it is an individual choice.
I have had the plesure of attending two births - one vaginal and one CS, when my sister gave birth to my neices. When my neice was born vaginaly, I was very stressed and nervous, I even threw up at one point (yes i did:redface:). The birth was all of 4 hours and went beautifuly, so I doubt that I emited anything that slowed it down, my sister was just grateful for my support. When all is said and done, while I found some of it traumatic, I wouldn't change it for anything as it was also a wonderful experience.
I also believe that when a long dificult labour occurs, that women hormones may change and she may and her husband may be stressed- purely because of the situation, not just because he is in attendence. I had a long dificult labour with my first and my DF (at the time) was snoring his head off in the birthing bean bag.
Also saying lets not have you there honey- just in case you get a mental illness like one guy once was reported to have gotten, seems a little OTT to me. Also just in case you take off after, because you are forever changed and cannot handle it. I hate to be rude but Boo Hoo, we are all forever changed after birth, suck it up men (lol). If a man takes off after he has witnessed a birth, that says to me he he was never a real man to begin with and you are better off without him, as over a lifetime especially raising children tougher more stressful situations will arise, so I just believe some men are simply put Jerks- and when the ernomity of having to look after another human being for the rest of their life dawns on them they cannot cope. Does this mean others shouldn't be allwoed in because some men arn't so great?
Some women also have trouble being intimate after child birth - does that mean we should all have a Cs to avoid it! No of course not- man or women, things may change after a birth and it is something that you need to work through sometimes. Thats life for you. And once again it is a presonal choice, I couldn't have gotten through my last birth without my husband (a CS but still)- when it comes down to it, my husbands protective mode kicks in and he does his best to make sure I am looked after, and I am grateful for it and wouldn't want it any other way.:D (sorry for the novel).
I don't think I could do it without my DH there with me. He was absolutley wonderful :D
I do understand what Mr Odent is talking about though. Some men would be tense, stressed and not good support for their wives. It manes sense that some of his tension would transfer to the labouring woman and possibly hinder her labour.
But that's just some men, not all ;)
When I do finally have a baby I definately want my DH there. I couldn't imagine not including him in something so important.
I understand that he is supposed to be 'well respected' etc. However, I have some issues with this article. First of all, any study that uses the word 'never' catches my attention - um, never? That is a little dogmatic and a huge generalisation in my opinion.
I could not have done it (my 26 hour labour) like I did without my wonderful DH. As others have reported, it was a comfort and a blessing that he was there.
Perhaps the ob should consider that perhaps it should be a woman's perogative whether her husband attends the birth or not - she should not be forced either way. I agree with penstealingpol. - some men would not be ideal in a birth situation. But I agree that if they run off because of it, um, perhaps he was a loser all along.
Hmmm.. food for thought.
My now XDH was present for our first birth. He was not really of much help. I didnt want anyone to touch me during contractions, and as they were pretty much continuous, he was a bit like a shag on a rock. He sat in the chair surfing the net on his mobile. He was really only able to help when I needed someone to support me to go to the toilet or shower.
I had my mother there also who was of a lot more help. She was able to do things like tie my hair back and talk calmly to me. XDH was so jittery I couldn't talk to him.
XDH said afterwards it was hard to watch me in pain, and he had to actually leave the room when they were giving me an epi as he couldn't stand to see a needle in my back. Luckily mum was there and was able to hold me forcibly still for the procedure. I was racked with contractions the entire time so sitting hunched over was near on impossible. I had around 6 contractions whilst they found the right spot.
We are now getting a divorce. He ended it when I was 12 weeks pregnant. Things became rough during the first pregnancy (very difficult one), and everything did get dramatically worse after the birth. Perhaps he cant cope with what he saw? I wont ever know as he can not talk about things like that.
He will not be at this birth. When I told him, he was most relieved as he said "I was worried what you might yell at me during the birth" Poor Didums! My mother will be the only one with me and I have a feeling this will be a much smoother event (even though this pregnancy has been twice as bad as my first). XDH will be at home looking after our son and will come to the hospital after this little one is born.
He had the choice to be at this birth, but when I realised he really didn't want to be there, I decided that he would be of no help to me. If he was in the room, I couldn't have mum as she would have to look after our son. He is happier with this arrangement and I think I will find it much better too.
Wow, this thread actually prompted me to ask my DH, "So how was the experience of DS's birth for you?", I'd never thought to ask him before.
He said that it wasn't "pleasant", but the he wasn't "traumatised" by it, but that he could basically "take it or leave it". It was a bit of a shock for me to hear him say that because my feelings about DS's birth are so different. DS's birth for me is (so far) the most amazing and cherished experience of my life, and my DH was such an integral part of it. I couldn't have done it without him and I absolutely did not want any other support person there instead of or in addition to him.
DH did go on to say that by far the most important experience for him was EVERYDAY, sharing our lives with our son.
Anyway, I think Astrid is spot on. It's all about having information/education and making informed choices, and having those choices respected.
i can see where he is coming from! i think its more about having a nervous person as a support person over an experienced support person.
my husband was a wreck after my first birth. it was very upseting for him.
next time he was so much better. but i wanted him there cos it was the birth of his children! i know i couldnt have done it with out him( he is how i got in to that sitiuation! hehe)
but i know that first time round it would have been much better to have an experienced support person!
i also wonder how much the media has docted(sp?) this interview??
After reading throught all these posts and having a nice cuppa tea, it dawend on me. I would have "wanted" my DH with me during labour, not because I want him there, but because it would be expected of me, kwim?? I would feel that he would feel left out and that others would think me selfish that I don't want him there. To be honest, my DH makes me nervous when he gets tense. When he is tense, he gets irretated and then he can become plain rude. It's his way of coping and in and I love him for that, BUT it does get to me when he is like that. I would also be worried about him the whole time. Is he hungry, is he bored, is he tired, if he is with me is the shop doing ok :rolleyes: I would feel weird with an other man looking up my woo-haa. I would be worried that he might say something to the nurses/doctors, or get worked up because they don't come withing 5 seconds after he pushed the button. Silly stuff like that.
Yes, he was with me for my c/s, but it was done under general and I knew nothing of him being there. I do know that I loved that he held my hand when they put me to sleep, but if he would have walked out at that point, it would not have made a difference to my support or to me. Was it traumatic for him ... yes. He told me so. Seeing your wife's belly cut open and fishing around there for your child have to be traumatic. Did it affect our love/marriage/relationship ... no.
So I do agree with Astrid. I also feel it should be the husband's choice if he wants to be there or not. And if he chose not to be, he must not be regarded as an "sissy" Only he would know if he would be able to handle the experience or not.
Hats off to Mr Odent.
I didn't agree with the article but then i'm not a big fan of Odent either.
XP was a rock during my labour (way more than he has been since, hence the "X") and i can't see how those 4 hours being shorter would have been better for me!
I am not interested in being with a man who loses his desire for me after seeing how powerfully feminine by body and my Self can be. That is a juvenile reaction to me and i'm not interested in it. If i have to face the reality of birth then so does he and if he can't he can take a long walk and not come back.
He GAVE her the gift of abandonment at the moment of birth? Are we to assume that she chose that even though she "didn't know it"? There is a big difference between a woman wanting to be alone, and a woman being left alone "for her own good". How is it different from ANY other treatment at labour or birth a woman herself has not chosen? Sorry. No thanks.:
My partner did not know it, but I had given her the exceptionally rare, but ideal situation in which to give birth: she felt secure, she knew the midwife was minutes away and I was downstairs, yet she had complete privacy and no one was watching her.
My DH found Natalie's birth distressing. I know this because he happens to be very good at communicating his feelings (better than me) and we were able to discuss it afterwards. If he was incapable of expressing his feelings, I would understand that perhaps he'd deal with it in a less desirable way.
I think its pretty harsh to judge men for not being able to deal with such a traumatic experience. Some people need help but don't feel it is socially acceptable to get it. I think it is sad but true that if a man said he needed to get councelling after experiencing the birth of his child he would be slammed for being selfish, or a wuss, or whatever. And that's not fair. So I can understand how difficult it would be for some men to come to terms with.
DH and I are both incredibly glad that we had a female birth attendant who is an experienced midwife to lead us through labour and birth. If she hadn't have been there, I think Natty's birth would've been VERY different.
I have to say, I'm glad DH was there because I wouldn't want him to feel left out of such a momentous occasion in our lives... But next time if he'd rather not be there, I won't mind. TBH, when the rubber hit the road and I was in established labour, then in transition and then pushing, I really don't think his presence made a difference to me. I probably wouldn't tell him that, but I think that's the ultimate reality of it. My focus was on getting my baby out and it was the women who gave me the encouragement to do so. DH just got upset, kept telling me he was sorry for my pain... Really lovely sweet stuff, but so unhelpful at that time.
I'm inclined to dismiss articles that overgeneralise, but in this case I think Odent has given us something positive to talk about... Guys shouldn't feel pressured to be at their childrens' births, and women shouldn't feel pressured to have them there.
It would probably be OK if Odent had said men (and women) should be able to choose.
But he didn't - it says why men should NEVER be at the birth of their child.
That is also just his own opinion, don't forget!
I must admit, this article made me look at things in a new light. I had always assumed without question that my hubby would be present, but after reading this, I realised that I had never really given him the option to say "no". So last night we sat down and had the discussion, and although he maintains that he'll be fine to stay, he also knows that he has complete freedom to leave if needs to, without me getting upset or judging him. I think it's definitely healthy to have both options available. OF course, the better educated the man is about the process, the less he may be shocked my it all. I feel sorry for my hubby sometimes, being a naturopath, I often discuss in detail all the new and wonderful (!) things that I've discovered about birth. We were joking about the "poo" issue last night. lol.
myboysmumma - I agree, never is too strong a word to use. Not all men get tense in the delivery room. My DH was very relaxed and therefore kept me calm. He wouldn't have wanted to miss it.
Odent never actually made that statement - it is just the headline given to the article (it is not in quotation marks) and nowhere in the story do those words appear.:
It is merely the headline put on the article by that journalist trying to get readers.
What he actually says is:
Just thought this was worth mentioning to clarify what exactly was being reported.:
Here, with a view that will outrage many - but will strike a chord with
thousands of others - he describes why he believes that when a woman goes into labour, her partner should stay well away.
That there is little good to come for either sex from having a man at the birth of a child.
When it comes to the delivery suite, men would be well advised to stay away.
Well said Helly and Snacks!
Just saw him on TV.
I have to say he's pretty convincing when it comes to the idea of creating a safe space to birth in and his ideas are not so one dimensional as the article suggests.
Geez, this is a timely thread - I was awake for about two hours last night thinking about whether I would want DP at my next birth if I'm lucky enough to have another child.
I would be ropable if HE said he didn't want to be there BUT that doesn't mean that I think it would be helpful to me to have him there.
I fully agree with the question that I think Odent is posing - would you want someone there as your support person who is likely to be distressed to see you in pain and has never actually experienced that pain themselves so can't truly empathise?
TBH, I completely understand the stuff he's saying about finding your husband distracting. I had a very long labour over 3 days with a total of 7 hours sleep. For the vast majority of that I used pain management techniques that I'd read in a book. I'd asked DP to read the book and we'd talked about it a bit but although the book talked about what support he could provide to me in labour, I found that I just wanted to do it on my own. I didn't want to make conversation, I didn't want someone trying to tell me jokes and GODDAMIT I didn't want to hear about where he'd parked the car and how long it could stay there before he needed to move it.
I'm not trying to have a go at my DP - I found the midwife equally annoying. She sat in a chair and watched me because I didn't want to have anything to do with her either. I didn't know her from a bar of soap and she obviously didn't know the theory behind my pain management stuff and looked at me like I was a freak when I was banging my stress balls together.
The techniques worked but I did feel a bit of a dill doing them. And that's the point - I wanted privacy.
So I think there's a few different things to being a good support person - empathy, encouragement and advocacy if need be when it comes to birth choices and arguing with the medical people.
Some people (men or women) may have some of those things but it would be rare to find someone who is good at all three. My DP would have been BRILLIANT at the advocacy if it had come to it but he wasn't good at the empathy. That's OK, I know him well enough to have predicted this.
It's not a male or female thing. My friend Tracy who wants to be at the next birth is equally shocking at empathy but would also be terrific about telling doctors and midwives to go shove it.
Odent recommends doulas - I think that's fantastic. I think it's really helpful to have someone (especially in a long labour) who gets to know you a bit beforehand so they're not a stranger, knows your preferences, can empathise and encourage you AND advocate for you.
There is no way my DH wouldn't have been at the birth, but he did find it really difficult to see me in so much pain. I for one, really feel like I couldn't have done it without him so I guess it depends more on the type of person rather than the gender.
I remember at one point DH went to get something to eat and I decided to go on gas because there was a lot of pain in my spine. Gas really affected my perception and gave everything a nighmarish quality. The two midwives (one who was my MIL) both had a giggle when the gas obviously helped my pain and I felt really awful like they were laughing at me. At that point my DH walked in and I knew that I could trust him no matter what. It would have been awful to go through it alone or just with the midwives.