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Hi
I'm not sure where to post this, so I hope this is the right place.
My friend is in her 40's, and cannot conceive naturally because she has previously had chemotherapy treatment for lukemia.
I am thinking of offereing egg donation. She would make a fantastic mother, and I think it would be an incredible gift - but i'm not sure i'm strong enough.
What does everyone think?
I'm just looking for some thoughts really.
Thanks
x
Hi there,
I've not been in either your or your friend's situation, so these are just my thoughts that I've had about the subject.
Personally, I think it's a wonderful idea and the best gift that one woman can give another woman.
I'm sure that you'd need to have some sort of counselling before making such a big decision as egg donation. I think also that you need to have finished your family before you take such a step (I believe the clinics insist on this, but am not 100% sure). Your DH would need to support the idea, or else it would be even harder.
As for the actual medical procedures, well I've undergone IVF and the injections, internal ultrasounds, bloodtests and egg collection are all bearable (well, for an infertile woman desperate for a baby, anyway) but do take their toll physically and emotionally.
I'm sure you'd be strong enough if you feel that it's the right thing for you to do.
Hope this helps.
Hi
To even consider egg donation shows that you have your heart in the right place. It is an incredible gift to give.
As Sal has said, there is a lot of counselling involved, clinics like you to have completed your family and preferably be under 35.
I am a member of an egg donor's group. There are lots of ladies in there like you who are there to learn and listen about the experiences of others. I'd suggest you join there and get a feel for the 'territory'. Because of the sensitive nature of the topic, you have to register and explain why you want to join. But, it's no big deal. Just say what you have posted here. They really are a lovely group of very knowledgeable and understanding women. I will PM the site to you.
The only comment I'd make is that you really need to be sure you are being a donor - not a lender. I had an experience with someone who was toying with the idea of being a donor but made a few too many comments about how I would drive if I had a child, what time they'd be fed etc etc. It seemed that she was only 'loaning' her eggs and wanted to play a bigger part in any child's life than I was prepared for. I think it's great for the donor to have a role in the child's life, just not the right to tell the recipient parents what to do.
Good luck with your journey, I think you're great.
Sue
Didnt know if this was the right place to post this? Feel free to move it!
I have often thought about donating my eggs to a couple who cannot concieve naturally. This of course is not happening anytime soon as we still have a while and a few more kids yet *fingers crossed*
But I would just like to know if anyone has done this?
Aslo what everyones thoughts are?
What are my risks etc?
I would just really like to help someone achieve the most beautiful thing life can bring.
I havent decided that its a definate yet as I dont know all the risks etc
Any thoughts would be great.
x
They are very valid points and not selfish :). Ones I have thought of too. Also I wonder if the child would one day want to meet you and if there is some sort of privacy act which does or does not allow it?
I would love to see if anyone has done this or have been the recipient of donated eggs.
x
I would say after 8 pregnancies and six healthy children I am fairly fertile myself!
I would give the shirt of my back for anyone and have done my fair share of giving and will continue to do so till they day I die, just don't think I could give my child as one of those giving things.
I praise anyone who can be so selfless to do so though. They would have to be one tough person, I am pathetically emotional and will cry at a add, let alone give my child away and alwyas have that wonder what they look like and so on. Wish I had the strength though, so many couples out there that cant have a child.
But then again there are so many children out there without parents too so adpotion should always be a thought as well.
Hi,
Just in terms in answering your questions about donation (in general).
Firstly, it is a wonderful thing that you are considering.
Hopefully some of the others from DC thread or LTTTC thread will see this thread and come and answer specific questions about egg donation (we are using donor sperm).
However I can answer these questions:
- If you go via an IVF clinic,one of the things that the counsellors will talk to you about is whether you are able to separate the difference between donation of an egg or sperm and seeing yourself as the parent. For those of us that are using a donor, we can see a difference between those that donate (the biological parent) and those that are the raising parents. The way I see it, my child will be 'partially adopted' - biologically related to my known donor, but DH and I will be the parents.
- If you donate your gametes as an anonymous donor, the child will have access to your information once they turn 18. Depending on the state, you may also be placed on a register so that the child has easy access to the information. This is because they have found that most children need to know biological information about their parents (again, like an adopted child).
Adoption is not as easy as you would think, particularly in Australia. However, hopefully someone from the adoption thread will talk about this. Fostering is an option, but it is a very hard path, particularly when you have to return the child to a home that may not be ideal.
Anyway, hopefully that has helped a little.
oh I am sorry to have gone of topic sweetie! You did ask our thoughts about how we would feel so just told you mine!
Fantastic thread. I am in the process of considering being an egg donor for my little sister in the future. Would love to hear about the process and what is involved and how people felt about donating etc.
Oh wow your sister now that is a whole different kettle of fish for me, I would do it for fmaily, that way I see them grow up!
I understand what your saying soul.
I too have these resevations, so I really want to hear if anyone has done it? And see how they have copped etc!
Like I said I have many years yet before I have to make a decison:)
oh thank god Amber thank you, after reading gargys reply I though some might have thought I was going of track. I think just thinking about doing it your already a amazing person!
Sorry if I confused anyone, I was just commenting on specific questions that I could answer ie.
(my answer - first bullet point):
I would love to do it but i must admit i have some reservations
being
-its a part of me and would i want to know the baby/child?? and in being that do i have the right to know??
- can i handle some one carrying my biological child?
and
( my answer - second bullet point):
Also I wonder if the child would one day want to meet you and if there is some sort of privacy act which does or does not allow it?
(my answer - final paragraph):
But then again there are so many children out there without parents too so adpotion should always be a thought as well.
As for how it feels to donate/receive eggs - there are people on the threads I mentioned that can answer this question better than me.
All I can tell you about is the roller coaster ride of sperm donation...
Once I've had my babies, I will donate my eggs. If someone is able to receive my eggs they must want to be a mummy very much. I would not mind meeting that child when they turn 18 if they want that.
Oddly enough, I'd rather be an unknown donor than a known one - I wouldn't be able to keep my opinions to myself if I saw "my" baby every day, and that isn't helpful as the baby won't be my baby and no-one likes unsolicited advice.
My sister and I and our DH's talk extremely openly about donation. The one point that we are all (all 4 of us) caught on is what would we do if the baby looked like me??? We will do it anomously (even from our own family members) so no-one would know and it would be her DH sperm. I don't think I would have a problem differencing between being a donor and it being "my" baby and I would always only be an aunty but like I said it is the looks we are concerned about. Olivia looks identical to me when I was her age so would that baby too??
The other point that does pop up now and then is how do we explain it to the child when/if they ask?It is so hard.
Dan I had similar worries when my sister and I started talking about her donating to me (she is so super keen). My main thought was what would I do if the baby looked like my sister more than me. It was my genuine concern about donation. Then a doctor pointed out that even if I had my own baby using my eggs there is a high likelihood of the baby looking like my sister as we share almost the same biological characteristics having shared the same mum and dad. It is so normal in life for people to say 'oh your child looks so much like so and so' in your family. Also through counselling etc, they encourage you to tell your child from when they can almost never remember when they didn't know, that they were born with the assistance of 'aunty' or in the case of unknown donor, a lovely kind lady. They also encourage the donor and recipient to tell their children from as early as possible. Apparently this way they all take it as a normal thing and it is much much harder for kids to find out later in life or it be kept a secret.
I have had friends offer to donate their eggs but it really isn't that simple as there are many things to think through eg. one offered hers to me over a year ago, but now she is finding it difficult to fall pg with her 2nd and it would have been so difficult if i had taken her up on her offer, been successful and she finds out she couldn't have anymore children. The psych/councellor says it is normally best to donate when you are absolutely sure you are not having any more children.
It is a wonderful and generous thing to want to give others the opportunity to share the joy and happiness children have brought into your lives. But as a potential recipient I know there are so many things to think about from both sides and that it is something that not everyone would be able to do for whatever reason - and that is ok IMO. xx
I too have thought about it. I want everyone who truely wants a child to be able to have one. I am fortunate and fall quite easily. I want to bring that joy to others. But my Dh is against it totally because the laws are still to flimsy acording to him. In my eyes, once the eggs have been collected from me, they are no longer mine and I would not be a mother to that child. I might wish to be a distant aunt, maybe, but I feel that the bonding is done mostly thru carrying that child for 9 months and birthing that child, so I feel it IS something I could do.
I also think about being a surrogate as I LOVE being pg. But I think I would draw the line there as after 9 months of sharing my body with that child, I would be attatched and giving up the child would be too hard.
Maybe if DH and I ever split, I will donate my eggs and make someone's dreams come true.... It is a dear wish of mine to do this. But as it stands now, Dh would never forgive me and I wouldn't put that stress on our relationship!
I do feel it is a wonderful thing to do for another person....
Hi Guys,
I am on the end of recipient. After trying our own eggs and sperm to no avail - we were advised by IVF to look into donor issues if we were comfortable with this. We want a family - we have always been open to adoption but due to our ages we are not in the running - we are classified as too old here in Australia and overseas adoption is far to expensive for us and you must wait years which we just don't have. So we moved onto donor eggs, my girlfriend immediately put her hand up for this - she had completed her family and when i asked her if she was sure her answe was quote " i do not love my eggs" i loose them every month, she also said she felt she would have not bond with a child she had not carried and as far as she was concerned this would be our baby not hers - look everyone thinks and feels differently on this subject and i respect all. This also did not work so we moved onto donor sperm and my DH brother immediately put his hand up again he felt the same as my friend and this did not work, so now we have moved onto donor embies, which will be transferred into me in the first week of March next year, the couple who donated to us want to do this from the bottom of their hearts, they want to help another couple achieve a family and feel they joy they are feeling. They to have stated that this will be our child(should it be successful) and even though this child will have their DNA it will be our baby - we have had much counselling over the years and one thing that all our counsellor have said is that DNA only makes up 1% of true parenting and the other 99% i us building and nurturing our family. It take more than DNA to be good parents. I applaud anyone that donates eggs, sperm or embies this truly is the most selfless thing to do, another thing that all counsellor have said to us is that they all feel it is important to let the child know the truth - it is just like adoption, if i were adopted i would want to know, so with this in mind we are going to be 100% honest with our child about where he/she came from, i would rather this than tell them when they are 16yrs old as that would only bring resentment. To anyone donating or thinking of donating the issue of the child meeting you one day is a very real one and you must want and be prepared for this - if i was produced from donated embies i think or should i say i know i would want to meet the people that gave me the chance of life and that gave me to a family that loved me instead of being used for medical research or simply been thrown away. I know i have rambled on about this sor i am sorry if i have - but again to those donated or wanting to THANKYOU you put so much hope into those of us that cannot achieve it without your help. Its just some of us need more help than others to fulfill our dreams of becoming mothers (part of a poem i wrote).
HI girls
I am considering egg donation. I have wanted to do it for a very long time, since my very good friend was seeking donation after surviving cancer. At the time I felt it would be "too close to home" to donate, as I also had no children of my own. But now as I am in the process of making the decision on whether I want more children, the desire to do it has resurfaced.
Is there anyone on the boards that has been a donor? What is the process in becoming a donor? What are your legal rights, as far as any children born through donation?
What a wonderful thing to help a friend in need! I am still waiting to here of anyone who has donated! I wouldnt be considering it till I have had all the kids I want, so that will be in at least 10yrs :)
Good luckx
Clare & Bomba,
You are both wonderful women for even considering to donate. My DH and I have been on the receiptient end of donations. All i can say is if you do decide to donate you will be giving another couple so much hope that they would not have if you did not donate. I just think donors, egg, sperm or embryos are the most selfless people out there - you are giving another couple the chance of being parents and that is a gift beyond words.
Oh Lissie, thankyou so much for your kind words, I got warm fuzzy feelings just reading it :D I am definately looking into it, I only hope the fact that we lost our Angel baby Max to a chromosomal problem doesn't stop me from doing it.
Having my children has bought so much joy into my life, and how I see it, I am prepared to donate my organs when I dont need them so my eggs aren't any dfferent.
Fingers crossed everyone, hopefully I can help out at least 5 families. (thats the number they give you supposedly)
I would definitely be interested in donating mine also, may as well help out others when I have finished!!! :-) I'll only have one more after this one (if this one isnt a devil child of course ;-))
the gesture you're all considering making is amazing!
i believe the process is very similar physically to ivf in terms of stimulating the donor to create a large number of eggs, which are then picked up the same as IVF - the egg is then fertilised with the recipient partners sperm. if you want to read about the physical process, read some of the ivf threads - it's not the most comfortable procedure - but it's an amazing and selfless gift you're giving and could bring a huge amount of joy to people you may or may not meet!
my understanding is that there is significant counselling beforehand to confirm your understanding of the process, that you have finished your own family etc - but haven't really looked at that side of things!
again - you're great people for what you're contemplating!
I have joined an Egg Donation website. PM me for details if u r interested. they go into all the info you will need and have FS on there to ask big questions to.
Clare! Thanks for starting this thread.
I am another who would like to consider donating my eggs after finishing my family.
I have a friend who was advised to use donor eggs after many years of doing IVF unsuccessfully. At the time I had a really big think about it, and chatted lots to DH. After this, I decided I would like to offer her my eggs after I'd had my own family if she still needed them. Thankfully for her, she finally fell Pg after 8.5yrs doing IVF with her own eggs. She is now 30wks Pg, and is thinking she would probably like more than one child if it's possible. I have kept my offer open to her, and am thinking of the possibility of being an anonymous donor down the track also, however, I am thinking that I may be over 35 by the time I finish my family, so am wondering if there's a cut off age for egg donors? Would anyone know?
Due to my Dh's swimmer issues, we will have to go back to IVF / ICSI for future kids. We have decided that if we end up with excess embryos after completing our family, we will donate them. Again, I am wondering if any age limits apply here (both maternal and paternal, as my Dh is well and truly over 35).
Arielle
arielle,
I'm pretty sure that 35 is the cut off age for donors, but whether this is flexible or not, I'm not sure. It's an amazing thing to undertake too, and I applaud you all for your decision. I'm waaaay over the cut off age and DH is not keen on it, but it would have been something I would have liked to have done.
Thanks Sushee. I thought that may be the case, but will look into it a bit further.
Hello Sue,
I am in the process of donating eggs at the moment and I would be very interested in finding out about online support groups. (I only know one other person who has done it and it's been great talking with her about it, but I'd like to find out about different experiences and assure myself that some of my feelings are common!) Can you recommend any?
Marj
Hi Marj,
suziq doesn't hang around here much any more but both her and I belong to a fantastic online support group for both egg donors and recipients. It is Australian/NZ based called aussieeggdonors (AED for short). It is really hard to find via a google search so if you email me at anney2227@yahoo.com.au I will send you a link as I don't think I can post the address here. there are a few people from BB on AED.
It really is worth joining something like this to think about all the issues as it really can be something that affects you and your family for a long time.
I'm thinking about donating some eggs. Can you do this and still want to have children in the future? I don't know much of the process but its something I've always wanted to do.
Good question Cate.
Hi Girls,
I have been a recipient of egg donations, sperm donation and now embryo donation. All i can say is what fantastic woman you are for even wanting to donate. It is the most incredible gift to receive from another person, okay so far i have not had a live baby but at least i was given the chance and that in itself is amazing. If you do decide to go thru with donation, you will have lots of counselling and one thing they are fairly big on is that you have finished making your own babies first, they will most likely not let you donate if you have not finished with your own family, however they did let my BIL donate sperm and he has never had children and is unlikely to now as he is 48 and says he does not want any children. The way my egg donor explained it to me (she is a friend) is that she does not love her eggs and she looses one a month anyway, she said to me and i quote " just think of it as making a cake and you have run out of flour so i gave you the flour you needed and now the rest is up to you and nature" i think it was a good way of explaining it, however i know of woman who say they could never give an egg away and i respect that too, we all look at life differently. I just think you woman are fantastic for giving such a gift - thankyou to all of you for the potential families you will make.
Hi girls,
Yes donating eggs is really an amazing gift to give someone and it is often much needed and much appreciated. As Lissie says, giving someone the opportunity to have a child when they cannot is amaxing.
My donor is single and does not have children and would like to one day and there was no problem with her donating. it seems some Fertility specialists don't like to treat people who have not finished their family but some don't mind. My FS said the risk was in the surgery for the egg pick up, mainll because any surgery, no matter how minor carries some risk. I know at least 3 people who have donated, thinking they had finished their families and then gone on to have another child.
Well I'm a single mum and 21. So I don't know how far in the future I will be having any more children. But, yes I agree with your donor friend, losing one a month, why not give them to someone else? I donate blood and plasma, why not eggs? For men its much easier to donate sperm, but its more complicated for women, and there is huge demand for it.
In Qld, where would I go to start the process of donation?
Just in response to the question about whether it's possible to donate when you want to have more children in the future - my fertility clinic didn't seem fussed at all about this. I have a child already but have not closed my mind entirely to another in the future if that were to happen. However, I'm perfectly happy to have one child. I think it's certainly important to be aware that there is a risk of things going wrong because the process involves surgery and that's never guaranteed to be 100% safe, so maybe it's worth thinking about very carefully before making that decision. Then again, is there anything in life that's guaranteed? (Hope none of this sound negative! Just busy thinking through these issues myself, kind of thinking aloud.)
Marj
I see what you mean. Well if there are complications and I cannot have any more children, well I at least have Elouise. Of course I'll go to a really good clinic and go there armed with information. Its not an easy process but I want to at least try.
Catherine,
there are 2 types of donation, a known or anonymous. If you wanted to do an anonymous donation to start the ball rolling you would go to your closest clinic and talk to them about being an egg donor. Most of them have a list of people waiting to get eggs. The clinic match you to a recipient and the recipient may or may not be happy to meet you. I am not sure how much choice you get if you wanted to choose your recipient when you go through a clinic. If you want to do a known donation ie. where you choose who you donate to and build up a relationship with them and come to a joint agreement about future contact with a child then it is best to join a support group or start looking out for a person you would like to donate to. Parenting sites like bubhub have adverts from people needing eggs so you could have a look around there.
along with the medical side of it there is alot to consider on the "social" side especially as you have a child of your own and you may be creating a "half sibling" for them. there are counselling sessions you go through to discuss all this but it is good to have thought about some of the social issues prior to deciding to donate. I am happy to give you any info you want and could happily rattle on for hours but right now, have to go tear dd away from toy story and get her to bed at a decent hour. :D
Hi Arielle,
Lots of clinics have now extended the age for donors to 37 so you have a few years yet! That is great that your friend had success after so long and it would be lovely for you to be around for your friend if she wants another child. Speaking from experience, it is really hard to stop at one :lol:
As far as the age of the parents when donating embryos, I have never heard that there is a cutoff. there would be no reason to have a cutoff for the paternal age and if you had a success from the batch of embies I am sure anyone would be grateful to have them.
Goodluck - hope you are successful next go.
Arielle, Did u find that info useful?