12 & 14 act like 5yr olds - how to discuss with mum

[Ryatha]

How did it go last night? Did you get a chance to talk to your mum about them?

It is a hard one to help with as some of their behaviours sound perfectly normal, but it sounds like you are most worried about their ability to be independent and their confidence. Maybe raise that with your mum and suggest they do somethings more independent of your her and your stepdad and of each other. Do they play all the sports together?

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

Thanks Ryatha.... i had a chat with mum about a few things that had happened and she admits that they don't ACT THEIR AGE, she also says it's partly her fault as she doesn't let them do things due to the area they were in.... it's not THAT bad... lol

I think she's going to have a chat with them about it.

[~Serenity~]

just wondering and i dont mean to sound rude but have they been tested for things maybe they have learning disabilities or something and thats why and its something thats out of there control

[Oorki Galoorki]

I dont see it as being to much of an issue i would rather affectionate children then ones who beat each other up just because they are boys.. yk?

also telling your bro he can get his licence is wrong. in SA he has to be 16 to get his L's so you freaked him out for no reason. I also know MANY people who dont drive because it scares them it isnt a MUST have in life.

peeing on the seats well many men still can not get that under control. how many women complain about the lack of toilet seats going down when they are married. Lots of Normal behaviours but i think you may be comparing them to your DH who may be really well "trained".

unless its a problem for THEM or your mum then they should do something, if not then just relax let them be who they are.

[Rouge]

My children (ages 3 & 8) are extremely affectionate they will sit on the couch and cuddle and watch TV, they will comfort each other when they hurt each other and they don't fight very often. They are perfectly fine.

I have to say I agree with Oorki, unless it's a problem for them or for their parents I don't think you need to intervene. If they are happy and healthy it's fine. Not every child does the same things as other children. As for letting them out... I won't be letting my kids catch the bus on their own at that age if they don't need to. And I know heaps of people (now adults) who's parents preferred to drive them and they are perfectly fine.

[*LittleMissSummer*]

just wondering and i dont mean to sound rude but have they been tested for things maybe they have learning disabilities or something and thats why and its something thats out of there control

I was going to ask the same thing. But it could also be that your mother is babying them and they dont feel the need to grow up and do things like other boys their age. How are they in school do you know? Are they mentally up with the other kids in their class?

[~ Zarava Flutterby ~]

Re: the driving my mum mentioned it first and we were saying about how it may be good for him to have some independence, i was only going of the age as per mum.

It is an issue with my mum, she has advised me on numerous occasions about how embarrassing it can be to go out with them as they act like 5yr olds, it got to a point they stopped going to restaurants with friends.

I understand not all men can aim for the toilet and there can be issues causing this etc but my point is they KNOW they do it, they go bright red when you ask them about it and they know which one of them did it... they don't clean it up and they blame each other.. it's disgusting!

I love my brothers and i only want the best for them, i don't want to CHANGE them as such i just want them to be able to get through life without being constantly picked on or being the boys who don't have friends because they wont act their age.
Tonight my 12yr old brother got in trouble for playing with DD's (1) toy piano and snatching it off her.. i mean really!

Mum admits she babies them and it's mainly her fault.. hopefully the move will get them a little out of their comfort zone and make them realise mum and her friends are not the only people in the world!

I'm sorry if i sound horrible i just worry about them.

[fionas]

You don't sound horrible, you sound concerned.

And TBH, I'd be concerned too.

Yes, some of what you've described isn't necessarily a problem but put it all together and they sound like kids who will have a few problems integrating into another community - which I know is what you're worried about.

I have absolutely no idea what to suggest because it sounds as if you've tried a few things like encouraging them to get out of the house and it's not working.

Maybe for one of the days you could say, "right, tomorrow there's no TV, no playstation and no playing with DD's toys ... you come up with some ideas of what you want to do." See if that works and maybe your mum could start doing something similar too - have a few days where they need to come up with stuff and gently tell them that although they've not been allowed to do many things before, they're bigger now.

I think with the peeing thing, you've got to come up with some consequences. How's your mum on discipline?

I know exactly what you mean - my nephew is a lot younger (about 10) but he's a bit similar in that a lot of what he does (or doesn't) isn't age appropriate and I worry about how he's going to get on in the world.

[Mummato2]

I can see why you are concerned.

If your mum knows of the issues but hasn't done anything about it, then the best you can do is attempt to instill change when they are with you.

This means taking the tough stance:

1) Tell them TV is on until 10am and then they are to go outside to find things to do. If it's raining or too hot etc, find age appropriate activities indoors and explain that the baby's toys are for the baby.

2) When you discover urine on and around the toilet, call both boys in and calmly ask them who did it. If one confesses, then they MUST clean it, if neither confess, then they BOTH clean it. Tell them it isn't fair that you should be the one to clean after their mess or find the bathroom in that sort of condition.

If they do it again, tell them they must now urinate with the door open so you can make sure they are peeing properly - emphasis being on the fact that if they either cleaned up their accidents OR took more care, they would earn the privilege of privacy.

3) Try to have discussions with them one on one to see if there's a notable difference between when they are apart and when they are together. Try to talk about things of interest to them (even if it seems infantile) and explain to them that baby talk at their age is just going to cause them grief amongst peers when they move (if they are using this deliberately)

It seems like your mum has babied them beyond belief and because of that they act the way they're treated. When you have them, I'd take it upon myself to show them what they can do at their age and reward their good behaviours.