DSD Potentially Moving Out To Friend's And Friend's Parents House - Could This Work?

[fionas]

Long story (which I know many of you will know) short - we are moving from Melbourne to Woodend (about an hour from Melbourne) and DSD who has JUST turned 17 and is midway through Year 11 does not want to come.

There's a bit more to it than this - DSD has been behaving quite badly (staying out all weekend without us knowing where she is, stealing one of her friend's iPhones after we confiscated hers and generally being a pain at a time when we have A LOT on our plate, not least of which is moving and, for me, an extremely difficult pregnancy).

So DP and I are both in agreement that something has to give. She has made it plain that she doesn't want to come and actually doesn't really want to be part of the family anyway. She doesn't really like having a little sister, takes no interest in her and sees her as a nuisance. Obviously this is quite difficult for me and the situation will only get worse when our next baby is born in 7 weeks.

She has been away since Monday night when I confronted her about stealing the iPhone and did a runner to a mate's place, whose parents we know.

She then announced that the friend's mum said she could live there.

DP spoke to the friend's mum and we are catching up with them on the weekend to talk about it. She is open to the idea but hasn't made a decision either way.

I'm concerned about the logistics. One of the reasons DSD doesn't want to live with us, I think, is that she just wants to do whatever she pleases on the weekends which frequently involves staying at other people's places (including boy's). DP doesn't mind this as long as he's spoken to the parents. But often lately she's not where she says she is. I think it's too much to ask for her mate's mum to police this if she wants to stay at someone else's house rather than theirs on the weekend. There's no way she'd want to stay with us on the weekend, except maybe occasionally - that would defeat the whole purpose of moving out of home. She doesn't like her lie-ins being disturbed by a toddler and she doesn't know anyone in Woodend to party with. So I think the only way it could work for the mate's mum is if she gives her a curfew and says she has to be back at their place at that time (rather than staying somewhere else). But what if she isn't? We can't expect her to enforce consequences.

Dunno - what do you reckon?

BTW - Obviously we'd pay the friend's parents board so financially it would be easy to organise.

[Rivlas]

Give it a go but with restrictions. If she wants to be treated like an adult she must prove she can act like an adult. I don't think it would be bad for her to sign a contract if she so badly wants to stay with these people. She still has to be accountable and this would be no different if she had to sign a contract to rent and pay a bond.

Hope you can both work this out over the weekend.

[Lulu]

Hun, if the other mother wants to take her on, let her. But SDD should pay her own board, I have no idea why you would pay it for her. She can't do things half assed and either can you.
She should sort the house rules with the mother, and what SHE says goes, not you. It's HER house, not yours and I think the friends mum has a right to decide what the rules are.

She isn't going to prove she can act like an adult until she is forced to.

Don't forget she has treated you all terribly, she is old enough to do that therefore she is old enough to learn not everyone will put up with it. Also, sheis smart enough and ballsy enough to lie, cheat find a place to go on the weekends - she will be fine fending for herself xoxoxo

[fionas]

Good point Lulu - I guess we were initially thinking of paying her board for her because she's still at school so therefore can't work full-time, only after school and on weekends. Her attendance has been perfect for the last 3 weeks BTW - go figure.

But DP and I have just discussed it and reckon she definitely has to contribute to her board. Maybe 50/50 maybe 70/30 - who knows? Will depend on what the mum thinks is a reasonable figure I suppose.

[Marlene]

Hun, if the other mother wants to take her on, let her. But SDD should pay her own board, I have no idea why you would pay it for her. She can't do things half assed and either can you.
She should sort the house rules with the mother, and what SHE says goes, not you. It's HER house, not yours and I think the friends mum has a right to decide what the rules are.

She isn't going to prove she can act like an adult until she is forced to.

Don't forget she has treated you all terribly, she is old enough to do that therefore she is old enough to learn not everyone will put up with it. Also, sheis smart enough and ballsy enough to lie, cheat find a place to go on the weekends - she will be fine fending for herself xoxoxo

I agree with everything Lulu said.

[fionas]

OK, spoke to the other parents this arvo. Think she's scuppered if she wants to stay in Melbourne for partying rather than school. Agreed Monday-Friday at their place, weekends at ours with one weekend night a month allowed in Melbourne for special occasion like friend's 18th party. If there's more than one party on in a month, too bad, she has to choose which one she wants to go to. All school nights to be spent at the other parent's house. Must attend school. Those are the big rules and if they are breached then the deal's off and she moves to Woodend.

Lulu - that's fab that your daughter has turned the situation around. As I told DSD's friend's parents this arvo - I think the flaky school attendance and wanting to test boundaries on staying out is fairly typical teenage behaviour so I'm not OVERLY concerned about that. It's the stealing from friends, lying, complete lack of remorse for anything and manipulation of people that I find quite chilling. Did your daughter do this too - is there any hope that DSD will change her ways on this front too?

And before anyone asks, we were BRUTALLY honest about DSD's behaviour - we did not try to pull the wool over their eyes just to get her out of the way. We laid it on the line.

[Lulu]

Agree on the usual teen behaviour - we all did it, but the stealing from friends etc must be pretty hard to take. I also think they all also manipulate to an extent. DD said some bloody awful things about me that really hurt but it was all part of her rich tapestry of bollocks that would eventually lead her to independence.
She didn't steal from her friends or anything but if she did do that sort of shenanigans, I would have left it to the friends jury. If she is ballsy and/or remorseless enough to do that type of thing it's still HER CHOICE. Not a reflection of you, may or may not be a reflection of her mother but ultimately her choice and she will wear those consequences in one way or another.

I think this is an excellent plan Fi. Hopefully she will learn independence comes with responsibility, being in another environment in which she will be exepected to pull her weight will give her insight into how the world really works. Better she learn early.

Someone mentioned "40 year old kids" - there are so many of these people around because no one pulled them up.

Raising teens craps on raising babies....it's your swansong as a parent (and YES even step parent), the last chance to mould them before you 'release' them onto the world.

[~Serenity~]

I agree with lulu especially being abit like that myself though not going out drinking but did get kicked out alot and it will be character building

[feeb]

I say worth a try, but I aggree with lulu in fact that she can pay own board!!

Good luck

[Mum2Romone]

With her behaviour I wouldn't be encouraging her to live anywhere else. It sounds like she's screaming for attention and wants a parent

[LimeSlice]

With her behaviour I wouldn't be encouraging her to live anywhere else. It sounds like she's screaming for attention and wants a parent

Couldn't have said it better myself.

[KimB]

Some kids will only learn the hard way. Talk to the other mum and she what she decides. If she agrees to take her on then let her set the ground rules. Also let DSD accept full responsibility for paying her own board. Maybe a swift kick is the only way DSD will appreciate what she had. My DD is acting the same but she has told us that at 16 she is legally able to leave home and so she is Wish these kids would learn to appreciate what they have and not what they think they should have

[fionas]

With her behaviour I wouldn't be encouraging her to live anywhere else. It sounds like she's screaming for attention and wants a parent

I'm sure that's what it sounds like. But if her way of screaming for attention is to disrupt the family when I'm basically disabled and sick on top of that as well as being pregnant, staying out every weekend and stealing her friend's stuff, when we also have a high maintenance toddler and a baby on the way as well as just having finished buying/selling a house and now in the middle of moving ... there's no way we can give her that attention right now. It would be a different story if my health was good and we had no other 'big' things going on. We can't revolve the entire family around her needs when she is continually disrupting it rather than supporting it. We have offered family counselling, she doesn't want to go. We have told her that if she needs more one-on-one time with her dad, she only needs to say so. DP took a day off work so that he could take her and her mates out for her birthday. Her response was to wag school for the entire day (after swearing black and blue just 48 hours previously that she would not miss any more classes hereon in) and not turn up for dinner with her dad. So he lost an entire day's wages for nothing. If she wants attention, she needs to learn to ask for it in a mature way not in a toddler's way. We already have one of those. We have to think of the needs of ALL the family; not just hers unfortunately.

[Miss H]

You might not like my response but I think another women shouldn't be made responsible for your daughter. I'm sure she won't want to police her all the time and will eventually cause problems. It sounds like you could use some help. Maybe go see someone about her behaviour without her if she won't come with. In a few years time when she is all grown up and past this stage, the thing she will remember the most is when she was really in need of guidance and support, her parents threw her away for the other children. That's what I would think. I hope you can come to a solution which sits well for all of you. Having teenagers can be the most difficult thing you do in your life. I had a difficult few years when I was a teenager but my parents never let me leave and I thank them for that. They were always there for me no matter what I got up to and I eventually grew out of it and now have a wonderful relationship with my mother. I understand she is your step daughter so you might not have that connection with her and you will definately have it with your kids.