Delinquent DSD And Stupid House and Annoying DP - V Long Vent

[fionas]

DP is driving me nuts at the moment. This is my second whingy post in about 20 mins LOL!

OK, so longstanding saga. DP has a 15-year-old daughter who doesn't get on with her mum. Usually lives in the US but lived with us for 8 months last year. Now not getting on with mom again and in the last month has said she wants to come back here at Xmas.

I also got an e-mail from her mom's boyfriend (who I've never met) telling me she's out of control - you name it, booze, drugs, drug-dealing boyfriend, not going to school, horrible to her mom.

She's no angel, but she was fine over here last time. Normal teenager. I believe what he's saying but I think with the right sort of parenting she'll be a lot more settled. Done it before, can do it again.

It's the TIMING I have the issue with. We are currently living in a 2br house with the third BR needing a wall fixing. So basically it's unusable.

So our baby DD currently sleeps in our room. DP and I currently use the other bedroom as a spare room to sleep in. He's a shiftworker, often doesn't go to bed till 2am so doesn't need to be woken up by DD at 6am.

Having DSD come at Xmas will just not be very practical. DD will still be in our room and DSD will be sleeping in what DP uses as 'his' room when he needs to sleep.

On top of this, our room and DD are next to the front door and DD wakes up if you go in or out the front door. DSD has lots of friends, the doorbell will be constantly ringing and DD will constantly be woken up. Or I will constantly be telling DSD to tell her friends not to come over.

On top of that, we will have to take the furniture out of the spare room to make way for DSD and we have nowhere else to put it. So once again, we will have a wardrobe, filing cabinet and all sorts of crap in the hallway. I'M SICK OF LIVING IN A HALF-ARSED HOUSE!!! I can't even put clothes away when I want to because I have to work around DD being asleep in our room.

Fixing the walll so we have a 3br house will take at least six months, so no way known it will be done by Xmas.

I have told DP that I don't think DSD should come before the wall is fixed and we have a 3br house. He will neither agree nor disagree. He says nothing really. I also say to him that he should tell DSD RIGHT NOW that Xmas isn't realistic so that she shouldn't get her hopes up. D'you think he does that? No, he talks to her on the phone and tells her that if she comes at Xmas she will be going into Year 10. Doesn't even mention that Xmas might not be do-able.

I think his strategy is to just not mention the timing to DSD, then say in November, "oh, I promised her she could come" and guilt me into her coming before the house is fixed.

So, breathe Fiona breathe, I am just so sick of him not dealing with situations. I reckon most women would just say, "sorry, I'm not having a juvenile delinquent in the house, she can't come." I'm willing to have her here, as hard as it will be, but just want to delay it a bit until the house is actually livable or I will go bonkers.

I need a reality check. Is that reasonable?

[~Kaz~]

Hey Fiona, that sounds more than reasonable to me darl. Sorry to hear you are feeling quite stressed about this and that your DH avoids making a definite decision.

Have you asked your DH to realistically think about where everyone will sleep after DSD comes out? It sounds like he is responding emotionally to her as his daughter whom he loves etc, and not with his practical hat on at all. The other thing for him to realise is that if she comes too early, before your living situation is able to handle it, the situation will go pear shaped very quickly and you may be sending her back to the US earlier than she really needs to go just to retain your collective sanity. She could come out in Feb or March and still enter Year 10? It might mean missing the first few weeks (sorry I don't know when school goes back), but it could buy you another month or two to be that much closer to having that bedroom back online.

Perhaps you could suggest a three way phone discussion with DSD, she has a right to know about the living situation she will be moving to and you might be able to at least inform her of the potential difficulties. From an earlier post I read about your DSD, she sounds like a reasonable person (even if she is a teenager ) and she might help your DH see that it's not really workable for a few more months after Christmas.

Good luck darl. I hope you start getting some discussion of the issues with your DH soon.

[Lulu]

No point DH being an ostrich about it, if she comes in November he won't be able to sleep properly when he needs it. Maybe you could relate how the changes will affect HIM and his world he may take a more proactive approach to it all?

I imagine the little ray of sunshine will be coming home to you after school each day? Remind him that it will be his job to parent this kid, not yours. You are there for his support.

It may be a good idea to get him to tell DSD not to burn all her USA bridges just yet.....she cannot escape the consequences of her actions there as she may have to wait a few more months before she can leave.

Start spending more time at the pub Fi - there is so much clarity to be found at your friendly local....

[Nai]

Your DH needs to make some decisions and take some action. Would it make a difference if you said to him that he needs to start the wall now or DSD doesn't come out? That way even if it does take 6 months you only have 3 months of living in a construction zone. Plus you could tell DSD that that is the case and maybe see if late Jan would be ok and that way it's only 2 months?

[fionas]

Thanks guys.

Yes Lulu, the thing is last time I did most of the parenting anyway cos DP is a shiftworker so is only home in the evenings one week out of two. And barely here on the weekends because he's working. And you know what they say about if the mummy isn't happy then the rest of the family ain't happy. Agree about the pub.

Nai - the six month thing is really optimistic. That's if it all went swimmingly which it isn't at the moment. We've had everyone give us the runaround. So now we have to go back to square one and get an engineer and possibly a geological report ($5K for that alone) done and then get council approvals.

And I've already been unhappy in this house for so, so long. So I couldn't take another three months quite frankly.

[fionas]

I don't know what prompted it but DP has done a complete 180 degree turnaround in under 24 hours and has told DSD that she can't come until renos are done. I can change my Mood thingy from stressed to something else now.

PHEWEEEEEE.

Feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

Thanks for all your support guys.