Time limits for accessing technology for an 11yo

[Astrid]

I see this as a 2 part issue. 1) the use of technology and 2) the way he handles not getting what he wants (bending rules, complaining etc)

Does he behave the same way with other things he wants to do? Or is his complaining purely connected to use of technology?

Looking at this a different way. My DH is gamer and has an addictive personality, if he did not have gaming/internet, there would something else he was really focused on. Also my DD1 is a complainer with anything that does not go her way, so watching TV, computer, Wii, food she wants to eat, going home (the list goes on). So living with them, I can see some of what you are going through.

I agree that a timer would frustrating, would be more inclined to be task based. "when you have finished that level/game/etc" then you need to get off and do X". The more he complains, the less time/warning/confiscation etc. The more compliant, then a bit more time, so gets to play another level etc.

[little_O]

Back in the day when tv was technology ...

I LOVED tv as a child. My parents had the rule I could only watch 3 shows after school. So I had to pick which ones were important to me. Sometimes I could negotiate an extra, depending on the circumstances.

Then we moved house and had no tv in the interim of our house being finished being built. I never went to bck to watching tv!

I like TFB idea of them having a project to do. I use to make my own up as a child and I had the best time and experiences

[toomanyshoes]

I see this as a 2 part issue. 1) the use of technology and 2) the way he handles not getting what he wants (bending rules, complaining etc)

Does he behave the same way with other things he wants to do? Or is his complaining purely connected to use of technology?

Looking at this a different way. My DH is gamer and has an addictive personality, if he did not have gaming/internet, there would something else he was really focused on. Also my DD1 is a complainer with anything that does not go her way, so watching TV, computer, Wii, food she wants to eat, going home (the list goes on). So living with them, I can see some of what you are going through.

I agree that a timer would frustrating, would be more inclined to be task based. "when you have finished that level/game/etc" then you need to get off and do X". The more he complains, the less time/warning/confiscation etc. The more compliant, then a bit more time, so gets to play another level etc.

Other than normal kid complaining for time to time, it's only around technology. It's the only real issue we have, which is maybe another reason I'm limiting as I know he's addicted, I wouldn't send an alcoholic into a bottle shop and tell them to do whatever they like lol.

A lot of the games aren't level based so that doesn't work (we had considered it before)

We tell him when there's 10-15 mins to go but that still isn't "enough" when the time is up.

The kids are already responsible for the consequences to their actions, we don't really set punishments. We discuss with them what they feel is appropriate.

[toomanyshoes]

So here's another thought, if we were to work on a project should we including searching/looking for ideas/facts/etc on the computer so to include his interest (computers) or would that be fanning the flame?

[Astrid]

Not sure if I have missed it, but what is he doing on the computer? One game, lots of different games? Social stuff? I think what knowing he is doing will help with advice. From experience there is a big difference to just wanting to be on the computer and being drawn into MMORPG.

[toomanyshoes]

Not sure if I have missed it, but what is he doing on the computer? One game, lots of different games? Social stuff? I think what knowing he is doing will help with advice. From experience there is a big difference to just wanting to be on the computer and being drawn into MMORPG.

There's a few different games, at this stage I've said no to MMORPG (such as wow) because I know they are super addictive. He was playing minecraft, but we said no online servers because he/we have no control over who he's playing with/what's being said to him etc, and he's not happy about that apparently the offline content was too boring. And for the fact every body was "stealing" off each other and didn't feel it was something he needs to be around.

Some games he plays have levels some don't or it takes days to move up a level so doesn't fit what you suggested.

[Astrid]

Look, really not sure what advice you are after, we are just trying to help.

With minecraft, you can access private servers, so you can join or setup one where you know the people and no-one else can join randomly. That may enhance his gaming experience, and in turn teach him how to game with others. (DH is setting up a minecraft server for DD1 and a friend). It can be a big, bad world out there with gaming, but they can also learn life skills, like cooperation. At some stage he will be entering that world and will need to how it works.

[toomanyshoes]

Look, really not sure what advice you are after, we are just trying to help.

With minecraft, you can access private servers, so you can join or setup one where you know the people and no-one else can join randomly. That may enhance his gaming experience, and in turn teach him how to game with others. (DH is setting up a minecraft server for DD1 and a friend). It can be a big, bad world out there with gaming, but they can also learn life skills, like cooperation. At some stage he will be entering that world and will need to how it works.

I don't really understand why you're getting on the defensive? I'm certainly not.

At 11 I don't feel my DS needs to be exposed to the nastier side of the Internet, we have discussed in great length about what is appropriate behaviour online(and offline)

I was asking for ways to deal with the "but my friends/cousins get to do xyz" and was also interested in what other people do in regards to "technology" for that age group because we seem to have a very different approach to most of the people we know.

I have taken some things on board that have been suggested and don't care for other suggestions, I really don't see the problem?

[AnyDream]

Just wanted to add - we've noticed that a lot of other families have very different standards about what games/movies/amounts of time they are happy for their kids to be viewing/playing with. That's ok & it doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with what you decide is appropriate.

It might help for to think about what are the principles/reasons behind your restrictions/rules. For example, we're motivated by our understanding of the consequences of extended screen time, both direct (ie how your brain function & attention changes, poor posture, etc) and indirect (ie if you're playing electronic games all the time, you have less time to socialise with your friends IRL, play sport, read, do your homework, etc). Your DS is getting to a developmental stage where it's more appropriate to be negotiating some of these aspects rather than having black & white rules (eg, bedtimes might be negotiable on non-school nights). But it's important to work out what you're prepared to negotiate on and what you're not. Getting clear on this will help you to communicate the non-negotiables to your DS. It's also important that your DS knows that you don't just create these arbitrary rules, and that they are open to discussion - but not when you've already told him to switch the device off.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

I set myself summer projects so that I wouldn't become too obsessive about computer gaming/reading over the holidays. It was my way of self-regulation (and I still need it).

Liebling's project is beach-based, so we'll be going to the beach, doing some rockpool habitat stuff, building sandcastles, making beach pictures, bringing home some rocks to paint, writing beach-based stories (eg about an adventure the rockpool crab has, or Liebling living in a sandcastle)... although we may research some stuff on the computer, the idea is to keep Liebs busy and not bored and maintain his writing skills. He will also be learning some French songs about the beach to keep his French going.

My projects (note I said this is to STOP me reading too much and being on the computer too much) are: read a novel in French, read a novel in German, try out at least 10 new recipes, learn to play guitar. I'm going off for a book-based guitar sesh in a moment, but the computer does help with you-tube lessons, for example. All these activities are based around books (foreign language, recipe and music books in my case) but it's the application that I see as important. As a plus point, my German is so poor that I'm really struggling and can only read 2-3 pages before needing a break. I hope the French novels, when they arrive, are easier for me.

So, maybe, pick a project. Research it on the computer, but physically do something - artwork, story, building something, making something, applying his learning in another area... to make it show there is a world away from technology?