I think you have done the right thing so far. I think you have probably taken it far enough. Everyone who has been involved knows your stance including your son. I think taking it further would probably be too far. He might not have sounded sorry when he apologised but he was probably embarrassed. I think that if you take it further then he may feel humiliated and be less likely to feel sorry but more angry. Discussing it privately with him afterwards in a calm way (eg. ask if he is being bullied again, ask what he thinks he could have done better etc.) will help you to clarify whether he truly understands the consequences of what he has done. As a former victim he may have been seeking the 'powerful' feeling that bullies have. Maybe you could talk about other ways to empower him rather than this kind of behaviour.
I hope this helps. I am sure just like all kids he just needs a bit of guidance.
You have been given so much good advice, but I just wanted to say getting him to do some sort of "community service" to the school is an excellent idea. You can give him the chance to make it right. He can absolve himself, he can work through his feelings whilst he is at it.
Its not about shaming him, but sometimes when we are truly sorry it can help to visibly do something as well as apologise.
I'm all for the Letter idea ... for your son to write to the boy & his Mother !!
My Mum always said a person can & most likely read a letter over & over So, therefore if the letter is written from the heart & is sincere this boy & his Mother would 'see' that.
Also my Mum always said never write a letter that you can't put up at a city train station for everyone to read ... In other words a letter that you feel ' better ' about writing & ok for all to see
... I feel for you as Motherhood is a hard enough job to do as it is
I wonder if many Mother's of a child that has bullied another was anywhere near as compassionate as you ?? ... Be proud of your son ' when' he takes that next step BUT don't look too eager about it as you wouldn't want it to look like a congratulations & then he would get the wrong message ... and YES feel proud of yourself for doing ALL as a Mother in trying to correct this situation (if there is such a thing ??) !!
Thankyou so much to everyone for your hugs, advice and suggestions.
I spoke to DS about this, once I had locked myself away and had a good bawl about the situation. I rang my Mum, just because thats sometimes what we need to do, and DF. He is not DS's Dad, but he is so supportive and cherishes him as much as I do, and he too was disappointed.
DS has been out of the 'bullying' situation for 2.5yrs now, and I thought we had resolved all of the anger, issues and fear that was brought on by that situation.
I sat DS down when I was 'calmer' and asked for his side of the story. He gave it to me, the truth, and it matched up with what we were told by the boy and his Mother.
I asked him why, but he doesn't know. I haven't asked him if he is being bullied himself, as I thought I would be able to pick up on the cues if he was. I shall ask him this tomorrow when we have breakfast together.
He is aware of his punishment - grounding until further notice and no PS2 or XBox. These are the things that make DS realise he has crossed the line.
He cried, I cried, I made it clear that I love him, but am just so upset with his actions. I have told him that tomorrow we are going to sit down and write a letter together to this boy & his mother.
I just hope that this is a once off, and I never have to go through this again. I have now seen the 'bullying' issue from both sides of the fence, and even though it is horrific to find out your child is being bullied, it's just as horrid to find out that they are doing the bullying.
Thanks again for all your support. I will keep you updated.
The sad fact of life is that kids who are bullied often go on to become bullies themselves. It's also completely normal that your son is simply too young to be able to explain WHY he's doing this. It could be that this is how he has learned that older boys behave towards younger boys. It could be a case of this is what he's doing to "look tough" in order to prevent becoming a target again.
Another excellent author on the matter is Barbara Coloroso. I have one of her books here "the bully, the bullied and the bystander". I've never sat down to read it in detail (saving it for when I have kids rather than just teach them) but I did get to attend a professional development course run by her and it was fantastic. A book well worth getting hold of if you can - it's written for both parents and teachers and deals with just how the cycle can be broken.
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So, therefore if the letter is written from the heart & is sincere this boy & his Mother would 'see' that.
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