At my wits end - ds (yr 12 nearly 18)

[surprised]

It must be so hard to see someone you love so much and believe in not make the choice to live up to their potential.

It's like he doesn't quite get that in life you have responsibilities. Right now his main responsibility is to do his school work. If he doesn't do that then there are very real consequences, like failing school or getting suspended for plagiarism. Like someone said before, perhaps it's time for some tough love. If he doesn't fulfil his responsibilities, he loses privileges. Anything other than food, water, sanitation, clothing and a roof over your head is a privilege. If he doesn't learn this now, he will eventually discover that as an adult even those things aren't guaranteed, and are actually unlikely if you refuse to do your work.

Totally not trying to criticise your parenting here. Just trying t bring a fresh perspective as it can be hard to see things objectively when you're so caught up in it all.

You're obviously a very caring and loving mum. He's lucky to have you on his side xo

[fionas]

My stepdaughter was like this. Would lie to our faces about schoolwork and school attendance. The school wouldn't let her do Year 12 and the Year Coordinator told us that she wouldn't cope with TAFE where you still need to put in the effort and turn up. They basically told us that she was lazy, a drama queen (always wanted to see the school counsellor about something to get out of class) and she needed to seriously grow up. All of which, after a couple of years of pep talks, encouraging conversations, I agreed with.

Despite the fact that she was failing all her subjects, she would tell us she wanted to be a lawyer. Complete lack of reality.

Anyhow, long story short, she went back to the US to live with her mum. Went from bad to worse and it was only when she got put in jail for drink driving that she finally woke up to herself. Her mum got her a place in a school for troubled kids (and really, compared to what some of those kids have had to deal with, her life was fairly simple in comparison). She is nearly about to graduate high school at the age of 21.

Sorry I can't be more encouraging but I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes there's only so much you can do with kids and they have to learn the hard way that you only get somewhere in life with hard work.

I would tell him that he can leave school if he lines up a job/something. If he gets sacked, go back to bare basics and take away all internet etc. so there's no incentive to sitting at home.

I would possibly try sending him to a counsellor incase there's something deeper going on.

[fionas]

My stepdaughter was like this. Would lie to our faces about schoolwork and school attendance. The school wouldn't let her do Year 12 and the Year Coordinator told us that she wouldn't cope with TAFE where you still need to put in the effort and turn up. They basically told us that she was lazy, a drama queen (always wanted to see the school counsellor about something to get out of class) and she needed to seriously grow up. All of which, after a couple of years of pep talks, encouraging conversations, I agreed with.

Despite the fact that she was failing all her subjects, she would tell us she wanted to be a lawyer. Complete lack of reality.

Anyhow, long story short, she went back to the US to live with her mum. Went from bad to worse and it was only when she got put in jail for drink driving that she finally woke up to herself. Her mum got her a place in a school for troubled kids (and really, compared to what some of those kids have had to deal with, her life was fairly simple in comparison). She is nearly about to graduate high school at the age of 21.

Sorry I can't be more encouraging but I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes there's only so much you can do with kids and they have to learn the hard way that you only get somewhere in life with hard work.

I would tell him that he can leave school if he lines up a job/something. If he gets sacked, go back to bare basics and take away all internet etc. so there's no incentive to sitting at home.

I would possibly try sending him to a counsellor incase there's something deeper going on.

[Ms_Fi]

Again, thanks ladies for all your thoughts and comments - it's so good to know we're not alone in this.

I spoke to the yr advisor yesterday and she she's agreed to put a system in place where I'll be notified every week, via email, of his cooperation in class and the status of any homework and assignments. Last night DS sat down and completed his maths homework without any complaining (and got everything correct!).

Then today he emailed his chemistry report to his teacher (and copied me in on the email) which is a huge improvement.

I told him last night that his birthday present isn't dependant on his school work - I've already banned him from the xbox and kill the internet at night but I wanted to reassure him that his birthdays still 'safe'.

[Tinks]

Hasn't year 11 finished yet in NSW?

[MrsFabuloso]

I'm not a parent to a teenager, nor do I have much advice, or stories to sympathise with you . But I have read your thread and wonder if maybe your DS could do with some counselling? Not just for school work, but for possible personal issues he might need to talk about. Maybe there's more to it all than you can see.

[AliBaby]

I really feel for you. No parent wants to see their child struggling with school and life choices at this crucial times.

Would he be interested in doing a gap year? Could this be motivation to put some effort into work or school? If he works hard or saves a certain amount of money that you can match he could go on a gap year overseas to work. There are lots of resorts (ski, sports, etc) that look for students who are 18 to come and work over there and it might be the atmosphere that he will enjoy before he decides what he wants to do in life. In order to go on the Gap year though, he needs to show that he understands the value of money and save a certain amount towards it and prove that he can put effort in.

Surfing the internet and staying home is not an option. He needs to know that is crystal clear. Cut the internet off and cut his phone off from internet if he thinks you are bluffing.


Sorry I cant be more help.

[trishalishous]

I agree with getting him out into the real world, slaving away in a minimum wage job (and paying board to live at home) should teach him that an education is a good idea

[Chocaholic]

Mrs_Fi, how is your son going?

[Ms_Fi]

Mrs_Fi, how is your son going?

Thanks for asking - he's still not at all bothered by anything. He's been self diagnosing on Google and has decided he has PTSD (from his dad leaving), Severe Depression, OCD, and BPD.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry these days.

DP and I have decided we've done all we can - it's up to him now. I've given him all the tools he could possibly need for getting through yr 12 - if he fails at least I can say I tried.

[Chocaholic]

Wow, interesting diagnoses. Would a trip to a counsellor or psychologist help? Just so he can talk to someone independent.

I agree with you. It is time he took responsibility for himself. I hope it is not to stressful a time for you.

[diannescruffy]

Gotta love Dr Google . Since he's made his diagnosis let him know that now he needs to seek profession help.

Regards,
Dianne

[Ms_Fi]

To be honest I'm too scared to let him see a specialist - he'll show just enough 'symptoms' to get a diagnosis then he'll end up with an 'excuse' not to do anything.

It sounds awful but I know what I mean. There's nothing wrong with him, apart from extreme laziness and thinking the whole world owes him something. Sadly, he's very like his dad in that respect