Too scared to go on school excursion - WWYD

[Lenny]

If your preppie came home with a letter from the school about a half day excursion in approx. 2 weeks time and told you that he did not want to go, what would you do?

Would you insist he went?
Would you offer to accompany him?
Would you offer for him to stay home for the whole day?
Would you offer for him to stay home for the excursion and then send him in when they got back?
Would you send him to school and let the school look after him until they all got back after the excursion?

My husband wants to send him.
I do not. I respect DS and trust him enough to know that this is something he does not want to do. He has his reasons, they are real and valid. No actual physical harm will come to him, but it will be very emotionally difficult for him and the days leading up to the excursion will be very hard and the excursion itself will be emotionally draining and possibly slightly terrifying for him.

Some children will love it. It'll be their most fun day all term.
For some families, it'll be just a trivial thing. Fill out the form, pay the money, drop the child at school in the morning, pick them up in the afternoon.

My DS will be afraid; not only of the event itself, but also of how his behavior and reaction (difficult for him to control) will be perceived by his peers. i.e. if he gets upset and scared, the other kids will notice and then what will they think of him. This fear is equally as bad as the fear of the event itself.

I think sending him to school and then letting him be 'babysat' while all the other kids go and then joining the class when they get back is a bit of a punishment. Time sat around being made acutely aware of his 'difference'. Then their continued 'shared experience' discussions when they return will be excluding him.

I haven't decided what is the best option.

The excursion is to the movies to watch How to Train your Dragon 2. Does that change what you think?

[Amity]

That movie is apparently quite scary. I totally understand where your DS is coming from.

I probably wouldn't send him - or I'd go with him for moral support.

[~Hestia~]

I can completely understand where you are coming from, I can see this happening with my DS1 when he gets to school next year. Until you mentioned it was a movie I would have said that I would be one of the parent helpers...now that I know it is a movie I would be more inclined to keep him home. The trailer for that movie was quite scary for my 4 year old. I would never insist that he go anyway, but possibly revisit the issue at a later date if able.

[Doing my best]

I went through something similar last year with DD. She has a fear of small animals (cat/dog size and smaller). And of the furry/feathery variety.. They had an excursion to a farm, she didn't want to go. Her fear seems to be magnatised by about 10 whenever she knows I am around.

In the end, we had talked about it and she went. I made sure the teachers were well aware of her fear, and they inturn told the parent helpers there on that day. She was ok, but did have a few panic attacks handled well by the people there. As part of the excursion, the class had to do a talk about the day, so she would have felt more left out had she not gone.

I agree with not sending to school for the duration of excursion. At prep age, they are too young to run errands, so can't be made to feel useful if they are missing out and they probably be quite bored and not in their normal environment.

From the suggestions you mentioned, I would be inclined to offer to go if your presence will have the calming effect (as mentioned, my presence wouldn't have helped, only made it worse).

Being a movie, it does change my perspective a little. Is the day just about a fun day out? Yes, don't force it. Or is there an educational side to it? If this is the main answer, I would be working out ways for him to go, but if nothing seemed feasible, asking teacher for alternative. (I know nothing about the movie, off to google now)..

[Frantelle]

My 3.5 DS saw the movie on the weekend - it was a little scary in some parts but he loved it.

To answer your question I would talk to your ds and see if he was more comfortable if you went with him, if not and his anxiety is still high I would keep him home and plan a fun activity for him.

I see no point in increasing his anxiety level - you being there with him might be enough?

[~Hestia~]

Just had a thought - if there is going to be discussions and what not in relation to the movie, will he maybe go see it with you? Then he can join in with all that and it won't seem like he has missed out if that makes sense.

[meow]

I would keep him home.

[Jellyfish]

I would not make my child do something they were uncomfortable with. If it was something they also wanted to do or understood that they needed to do (thinking like dental work), then I would help them find a solution that would help them feel more able to overcome their discomfort (such as offering to be with them).

If a child can't swim, pushing them in the deep end isn't exactly the best solution. Mental challenges are no different, mastering them is the same as mastering any physical skill and happens best when it is worked through in a supported environment and at a comfortable pace (and this will be different for all people). I will add that sometimes all a person actually needs is the option to say no too, it is like a weight off their shoulders that they can try with the ability to pull out at any point should it become too much - I know I am far more able to push through discomfort if I know I have the ability to stop at any point if needed so maybe if you go that opens up the opportunity to leave the movie should it become too much at any point which might be a solution he is interested in. But I mean it is a movie, it isn't going anywhere so he can always watch it when he is older should he desire, it isn't a once in a lifetime opportunity (in reality, not many things are) so I think that that would make me less inclined to push it. Even if it is meant to be educational, I wouldn't be worried for a number of reasons but a big one being if he spends the whole time anxious then how much is he even going to take away from the experience anyway?

I understand the whole face your fears sentiment but he is what 5ish? So there's his whole lifetime ahead to do that, bit by bit! Nobody has to overcome all their fears all at once

[Livinthedream]

Force a child to go see a movie that may give him nightmares?

Uhhh


NO

No way.

There are movie that I refuse to watch because I know I would find them too upsetting.

I would keep him home for the day.

I am surprised that they would take young kids to see that movie, it's going to be dark, loud and violent.

My DS loves toothless, but I can see how many kids would find that scary.

FWIW, DS is currently (has been for the last month) sleeping on a mattress in our room because "the big eye keeps looking at him through the window"
We had just seen Monster Inc

[wysiwyg]

If I was making the decision I would want to know more about why they are going to see it for a school excursion - is there any point to it besides having fun?

Also are they seeing it in 3D or not (3D makes things more intense - so I think does have an impact)

Has your DS seen the first one? If not might he want to watch that one with you at home - maybe he might like it more than he thinks?

I tend to look at movies on the Common Sense Media Guide page - to review to see how might go with my two. The review for How to Train Your Dragon 2 isn't up till the 13th - but judging by the review of number one movie on there - I find it an odd choice for a Prep class - as it would fall into the "PAUSE: Know your child; some content may not be right for some kids." - which you obviously can't apply when taking a class of children.

I wouldn't insist they went, not to this - so it being a movie has impacted my answer. If the child wanted me to go with them I would, or I would keep them home (I think before keeping them home I would probably discuss concerns with teacher - as I wouldn't be surprised if more than just your DS would be worried by the movie) - I wouldn't bother just going in for the afternoon, and I definitely wouldn't send to school but not to go on excursion.

I would try and talk to the child about if there is anyway to make him more comfortable about going to see it, if they want to try and address their fear/anxiety (e.g. seeing the first movie at home type thing), but I wouldn't really force the issue. Find another child who you know may have reservations about seeing it - I am sure your DS isn't the only one - and see if might want to face it together. There are probably some things I might persevere more about getting them comfortable doing but a movie isn't one of them.

I think previously someone said about having the ability to say 'no' - I think this is important - and presuming you can do it with whatever forms notice etc. , I would try and give the flexibility for them to change their mind about going closer to the event.

[myturn]

I think there are pros and cons of both decisions. So I don't think its as simple as he should or should not go.

If you don't make him participate in the standard curriculum activities, he learns that he doesn't have to do things at school.... Sometimes in life we do have to do things that make us feel uncomfortable... Job interviews, difficult discussions wit our boss or employees or family etc.... It's how we learn to manage those situations that matters....

So... Yes... While you never really want your child to learn that they should be forced to do things, I do believe there is a time and a place for emotional challenges. I would probably talk about ways he could feel more comfortable with him... And if he cannot think of ideas... I'd ask him if he would like me to help brainstorm some...... Then I would come up with a whole heap of different options... And help him make an appropriate decision for him...

It's this process that helps him learn to manage and regulate his emotions, as well as persist when things get tough.

I'd probably lean towards going with him on the excursion... But other things I might do (and maybe even do all of them ) would be....

.....see the movie with him PRIOR to the excursion... So it's not a new thing anyway....
.....teach him and practice some relaxation strategies for when/if he does get anxious....

[wysiwyg]

If you don't make him participate in the standard curriculum activities, he learns that he doesn't have to do things at school.... Sometimes in life we do have to do things that make us feel uncomfortable... Job interviews, difficult discussions wit our boss or employees or family etc.... It's how we learn to manage those situations that matters....

I am not sure about this - I am not a big believer in the whole 'setting a precedent' thing - I think kids are smarter than that / also need to learn that situations are different all the time, and sometimes you have to do things, just like sometimes you want to do something that you have done before but just because you did it before doesn't mean it is suitable this time. Assessing individual situations for there respective merits is an important skill.

I don't know how you would convince someone the benefits of this particular event to be honest - how would you convince an adult that they should go see a movie they don't want to and feel scared of going to see.

Lenny - you asked about if what the excursion was made a difference - and yes in the end for me it is what the excursion is that makes the ultimate difference, I don't think you can answer any of the questions you ask without knowing what the excursion is - probably in the majority of school excursions I could think of what the benefits are that would make any anxiety worth it, but in this case I can't (your DS has probably done the same and can't see any plus points of it). Is it his first excursion? If is first prep excursion then it seems an even stranger choice.

[Trillian]

I wouldn't send him. It's to a movie, it's not like it's something that actually has anything to do with curriculum learning. If it was, I'd make him go, but because it's a social thing, I really wouldn't worry about it. Don't worry about the shared experience thing either - not a lot different to if all these kids saw it over a weekend in their own time and then talked about it at school anyway.

[Lenny]

A big thanks to everyone who replied. I read them all, and wanted to reply to each of you!

The school (there are 130 preps) is studying fairy tales, culminating in watching a fairy tale. I feel it is a terrible choice of movie, but want to resist the urge to be 'that parent' who always complains. Let's face it, deep down they want to take the kids on an excursion (yes, their first prep excursion) and this just fits the timetable.

I have discussed with his teacher and I can go with him. They will be discussing the movie in class formally (as well as in the playground, I'm sure). I have opted to wait a day or two before I discuss it again with him.

My son has never had a day off school. We has sent home once at 2pm because he fainted in class. He's thriving at school educationally and has never asked to not go.

I trust him with his feelings. I have to trust him about this. Sure, he's six, but that doesn't, to me, invalidate his wishes. I do not believe forcing him to attend this movie will be educational. Nor do I think it will benefit him emotionally or help him deal with his anxiety over it.
He doesn't really like swimming. But by god, every week I make him go. And he tells me what he thinks of it, and me. But he still goes.

He and I have been to two movies. The first time was The Lorax. His choice. He was terrified. He hated it. Spent the whole time on my lap under my arm with my cardigan over his head and his hands over his ears.
The second was Turbo. He spent 50% of the time on my lap with his hands over his ears screaming la la la to keep the noise out. The other 50% of the time he was on the floor with his head buried in my lap.

Coincidentally about 3 months ago my 4yo picked HTTYD from the video store. The 6year old hid in his room. Cried and sobbed when they put toothless 'in jail' because he knew toothless was innocent and didn't want him hurt.

I'm not sure that "emotional challenges" is an appropriate word to describe a trip to the movies. Maybe for some children, but not mine. Trauma. That's a better word. Like surprised said, she can laugh about it now, but why as adults we get to choose whether to subject ourselves to it, but children somehow get told it will be a good challenge for them? "It'll help him learn to persist when things get tough"? No, it'll remind him that he's different and that he needs to suck up his fear and emotions and not show them to anyone.

If it was a rock climbing excursion, yes, he'd be going. In fact, I know damn well he wouldn't ask not to, even though he probably wouldn't want to. In fact, it's dress up day soon and he hates dressing up, but has never once mentioned not going.

(I have since learned that a complex about an hour away does sensory movie sessions sometimes. I might try that sometime with him. But no hurry).

Thanks for the replies. It's nice to know I am not the only one who a) thinks the movie is a terrible idea for any child and b) thinks my little guy has a right to have his fears acknowledged and a right to say yes or no to things that happen to him.

[Artechim]

Lenny, sounds like you know his limits well and provide enough challenges to keep him moving forward. Exposing him to something terrifying probably won't help anything.

Is the cinema at a complex? Are they going by bus? Could you go with him on the bus, find something else to do with him while the movie is on and then meet up with the kids again for the trip home? Then he gets some of the camaraderie of attending the trip and isn't left out but doesn't have to see the actual movie.

for you, because it is tough and I am sure you will make the best choice for him.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

Normally I say that if a school does something, it is important so sadly, no refusals unless it can kill (eg severe nut allergy child entering squirrel enclosure).

But seeing a film, one that is scary for under-7s? Um, what is the prep thinking of? If Liebling's school were to do this, I would be cross. It is not necessary and tbh, even with a "happy" film, the cinema experience can be overwhelming, loud and scary. Even for adults!

[Tinks]

I would offer to go with him, if he still didn't want to go, I would keep him home that day.

[ladybirdflies]

Good on you for listening....I am the same as Tinks. I would offer to go, if you can't go keep him home.

I can't bite my tongue about the fact they are taking kids to a movie.... surely there is something more enriching they could do with the children!