I'm a new member here and I thought I'd post my current story to see if I can get some of this off my chest to strangers and also to see if anyone had any advice they can offer.
I separated from my wife around 4 months ago. I initiated it and I won't go into too much detail about the marriage suffice to say that we were married 7 years, we won't be getting back together and it wasn't due to anything "bad" - ie. no violence, neither of us was cheating, etc. She went overseas for 5 weeks with our daughter and when she came back I realised that I didn't miss her and didn't love her anymore.
We have an 18 month old daughter (Alicia) who means everything to me and she currently lives with her mum. We have a bit of stuff, not a lot, but I collect a lot of crap ("hobby" crap) and it's all stored in the house. She lives in Melbourne but I've moved down to Hobart temporarily and will be here for probably another 3 months.
ok, the best bits. She currently lives in the house and refuses to leave. She also refuses to pay anything towards the mortgage and up until recently I have still been paying all the bills (power, water, gas, elec, foxtel, internet, telephone & her car payment).
I fly back to Melbourne every weekend to see my daughter. She has allowed me to see her for around 4 hours per day (sat/sun) but insisted that it was supervised (by her) at the house. I have also been paying the maximum amount of child support (just under $1,500/mo) because she will not let me have our daughter overnight so has told CSA that she has 100% of the nights per year.
There has been no history of violence from me, but I do tend to yell when I get angry. She has punched me in the head before (while I was holding the baby), but I didn't go to the police or anything like that because I would have felt stupid. She is playing the 'I fear for my safety' card anyway and continually threatens to take out an AVO (but knows she currently has no grounds). I can tell she is always making little comments to get me angry but I've always kept my cool.
So anyway, last weekend I was allowed to take my daughter out of the house (after assuring her that my car is safe - I hired a car with an approved car seat as my other car in Melbourne is a ute and she refuses to let me take her in a ute). When I returned her, I was sent a txt asking to return her to the neighbours place, which I did. I then went next door to my house and tried to get in (I had something in the house I needed) and realised she has changed the locks!
I sent her a text asking her to come out and open the door, but she refused and then called the police. They couldn't do anything of course, it's my house after all. They persuaded her to open the door, I went in and got my stuff and then left.
I have been sent 3 letters through her lawyer (to mine) in the last week demanding the following:
- 72 hours notice minimum of when I want to see Alicia
- 4 contact hours per week, (or 8 per fortnight) no overnights
- Request 72 hours in advance to go to the house
- If I want to remove any items, they need to be requested through her solicitor
- Any communication must go through her solicitor (to "improve" communication apparently!)
Ultimately, I want 50% custody of my daughter, but she is fighting me every step of the way and making ridiculous demands. She holds all the cards because she has the house (and won't leave) and my daughter.
She gives lip service to look like she is cooperating but then tries to block every attempt I make to see my daughter - 4 hours per week, especially when I'm flying to Melbourne specifically to see her, is completely unfair. But to HER, it's fair - she keeps saying "We have to do what is best for Alicia" - the problem is she thinks that whatever she says is best for the baby because "mother knows best". She sill breastfeeds our daughter and in my opinion does so to maintain control over contact. She uses breastfeeding as an excuse as to why I can't have Alicia overnight.
Oh, one final thing. We went to mediation and she made no compromise and after the first session rang up and canceled the second session because she thought the mediator sided with me and was biased against her.
The only thing I can come up with is to get to court as fast as I can, but my lawyer said this morning that could take up to 6 months. So does anyone have any ideas?
Well I'd stop paying all the bills, but other than that I don't have any ideas. Your lawyer would be the best one for advice really. Are you happy with your lawyer because you would think 72 hrs notice is going a bit far.
Cancel your accounts in your name. Give her written notice that you are doing so and keep photocopies of them (then she cant say that you didnt give her notice and left her with no power, etc)
Seek some assistance from a family soliciter.
She is gettign away with far too much. You deserve more access to your child and providing you have suitable accomodation for her you should have access to her overnight.
I would contact family assistance and let them now the situation as well. It is good to have as much stuff on the records as well.
Sorry I cant be of more help. I think you are being treated unfairly and I dont think it is right that she is using your child as a pawn in this situation. Good luck with it all.
If you are paying that much cs I would deffinatly stop paying bills, also you should get more time with dd if u pose no risk I don't know why you can't have 2 days of visits and she could express I agree go to court asap but stop paying bills!!!!
I agree with the others that you should stop paying the utilities but definitely give her notice.
I have to say as a breast feeding mother of a 20 mnth old that DS still feeds 2/3 times overnight which would make it difficult for overnight visits. DP has looked after him all night once and settled him with milk and had to sleep with him and I am going away in a couple of weeks and I am very nervous and I am with my partner. What I am trying to say that while you shouldn't have to 'prove' that you can look after DD overnight it might go a long way to help your cause to tell her how you would handle an overnight visit. Hope that makes sense...
I would also be talking with a lawyer to see what your rites are and if you aren't happy with your current lawyer find one you are happy with
Definitely stop paying bills. Give her a weeks notice and cancel everything that is in your name connected to that house!
Get another solicitor if you are not happy with the one you currently have.
Talk to Relationships Australia. Try mediation again. Make notes about her cancelling etc. It will all go in your favour when it gets to court. Take notes about everything little thing. If she promises something and doesn't deliver, make a note etc.
Lastly, do not play her game. It sounds like she is incredibly hurt by the breakdown of your marriage and she is lashing out. Try to be sympathetic but do not be a punching bag or doormat!
Well the requests about times IMO are just common sense. It isn't okay to just rock up...
As for paying the mortgage. If she has been the primary care giver of your daughter and the relationship breaks down... She is very likely able to claim spousal maintenance from you. Spousal Maintenance is an interim order that helps tide her over until a financial settlement is reached. A spousal maintenance order is likely to cover some if not all of the mortgage and "other reasonable expenses of the marriage"...
If you want a 50% shared care arrangement - can I ask why you are in Hobart? Usually shared care arrangements are appealed soon after separation...
If she is breastfeeding and has been breastfeeding Alicia - I would think it unlikely she is doing this for your disadvantage. The WHO advise the children are breastfed for at least 2 years.
That would make overnight visits difficult - it's my experience that it would be difficult to gain overnight visits if a child is breastfed.
I wish you luck with this... Remembering a marriage breakdown is very very painful. She is in pain, she is grieving for the loss of the family unit as it was. You are fine as this is what you want. Give her some time and space would be my advice.
Unfortunately, I don't really have any advice for you, other than to seek some sound legal advice.
My ex-partner ended our relationship when I was 6 weeks pregnant, and it was very painful, so I would imagine she would be feeling very emotional and also probably quite frightened at the prospect of having shared custody of your child.
Having said that, I have always tried to maintain an amicable relationship with my XP despite the hurt, because I believe that he is a good father, so I think it's best for my daughter that he is in her life. In my opinion, a mother should never deny a father the right to a relationship with their child (or vice versa), as long as he is a good father and that it's whats best for the child.
Each story has different semantics, but as parents, sometimes we need to put our own emotions to the side, and concentrate on what's best for the kids.
All the best. I hope it's a good outcome for you all.
Welcome Ray. Looking forward to chatting with you more. You sound like a very interesting person.
I think, however, that what you refer to as "shared care" is actually "shared parental responsibility", which refers to decision making powers for the long term decisions about your child's care, welfare and development. These are usually health, education and religious issues. "Care" is the physical time that each parent spends with the child.
A bad situation..
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