A bad situation..

[Inanna]

Mmmm...

Well the requests about times IMO are just common sense. It isn't okay to just rock up...

As for paying the mortgage. If she has been the primary care giver of your daughter and the relationship breaks down... She is very likely able to claim spousal maintenance from you. Spousal Maintenance is an interim order that helps tide her over until a financial settlement is reached. A spousal maintenance order is likely to cover some if not all of the mortgage and "other reasonable expenses of the marriage"...

If you want a 50% shared care arrangement - can I ask why you are in Hobart? Usually shared care arrangements are appealed soon after separation...

If she is breastfeeding and has been breastfeeding Alicia - I would think it unlikely she is doing this for your disadvantage. The WHO advise the children are breastfed for at least 2 years.
That would make overnight visits difficult - it's my experience that it would be difficult to gain overnight visits if a child is breastfed.

I wish you luck with this... Remembering a marriage breakdown is very very painful. She is in pain, she is grieving for the loss of the family unit as it was. You are fine as this is what you want. Give her some time and space would be my advice.

[Amity]

I think the best thing you can do is get some legal advice about your own situation.

From an emotional perspective, the separation is very recent, and this affects how both of you interact with each other.

Good luck.

[newmummy85]

Unfortunately, I don't really have any advice for you, other than to seek some sound legal advice.

My ex-partner ended our relationship when I was 6 weeks pregnant, and it was very painful, so I would imagine she would be feeling very emotional and also probably quite frightened at the prospect of having shared custody of your child.

Having said that, I have always tried to maintain an amicable relationship with my XP despite the hurt, because I believe that he is a good father, so I think it's best for my daughter that he is in her life. In my opinion, a mother should never deny a father the right to a relationship with their child (or vice versa), as long as he is a good father and that it's whats best for the child.

Each story has different semantics, but as parents, sometimes we need to put our own emotions to the side, and concentrate on what's best for the kids.

All the best. I hope it's a good outcome for you all.

[Amity]

Welcome Ray. Looking forward to chatting with you more. You sound like a very interesting person.

I think, however, that what you refer to as "shared care" is actually "shared parental responsibility", which refers to decision making powers for the long term decisions about your child's care, welfare and development. These are usually health, education and religious issues. "Care" is the physical time that each parent spends with the child.

Good luck to both of you.

[Amity]

LOL Ray, funny! Single parenting is hard even with the most co-operative relationship between parents. It isn't uncommon for many of us to have difficulties with our XPs, so feel free to start a new thread with your own story if you would like to share.

[Blixie]

Good luck, i hope everything gets sorted soon

[Inanna]

I have to say Jessey that your comment sounded very harsh to me.
Breastfeeding is more than nutrition. A breastfed child is that. Breastfed. I dont really understand the necessity of overnights at the detriment to the breastfeeding bond of mother and child.

I think it's important to remember there are feelings & emotions that go along with breastfeeding. For both mother and child.

However, remembering also that divorce is difficult. The best interests of a child I would think is to have his or her life remain as "usual" as possible. Abruptly ceasing breastfeeding or indeed trying to coax an under 2 to have a bottle rather than a breastfeed would be difficult for the child. I think it would be difficult to argue that ceasing breastfeeding or beginning to bottle feed to facilitate an overnight visit by another parent may not be in the best interests of a child. Not to mention the Mama.

[tiffanny]

I have to say Jessey that your comment sounded very harsh to me.
Breastfeeding is more than nutrition. A breastfed child is that. Breastfed. I dont really understand the necessity of overnights at the detriment to the breastfeeding bond of mother and child.

I think it's important to remember there are feelings & emotions that go along with breastfeeding. For both mother and child.

However, remembering also that divorce is difficult. The best interests of a child I would think is to have his or her life remain as "usual" as possible. Abruptly ceasing breastfeeding or indeed trying to coax an under 2 to have a bottle rather than a breastfeed would be difficult for the child. I think it would be difficult to argue that ceasing breastfeeding or beginning to bottle feed to facilitate an overnight visit by another parent may not be in the best interests of a child. Not to mention the Mama.

I recognise that you have a valid point/opinion Inanna but what about the effect of not having her father in her life. To me this would be more detrimental, after having her daddy there from the beginning, than not being BF for 1 night a week!

[Schmickers]

Hi there CFlake,

I won't comment on a lot of your situation because it sounds like a very difficult one - sadly, if you are unable to come to a mutually agreeable compromise, I think it is best dealt with through the family court system. It sounds as if you are very devoted to your daughter, and I hope things work out for you. I would be devastated if for some reason I was unable to have close contact with my children.

There are a couple of things I will comment on, though, and I will address this to both you, and Jessey, who also posted:

everyone's saying that you cant take Alicia overnight because she breastfeeds, i dont see why your XP cant just express for you it seems like an excuse more than anything IMO

This is really bad for maintaining supply. Expressing milk and feeding expressed milk is recommended for short periods of time - say, for one or two missed feeds - not for overnight stays or longer. Expressing milk simply does not do the same job of stimulating milk production to continue that feeding normally does. Anyone here who has been unfortunate enough to have to express long term will attest to how very difficult it is to maintain supply.

There are lots of really good reasons to breastfeed an 18 month old. It's very beneficial to their emotional development - it helps maintain their sense of security and their emotional wellbeing, and this is doubly important during the emotional upheaval of a separation. It's also good for their health - it is the most hypoallergenic, nutritious food that you can give a baby or toddler. I mean, look at all of those advertisments for the various toddler formulas which emphasise us how important it is to support the toddler's immune system to the age of 3 - breast milk does this job, and does it far more effectively than toddler milks. The WHO does recommend that children are breastfed until at least 2 years of age.

While I can sympathise with the emotional difficulties you are having at this time, I think you need to think about what is best for your daughter; and at this stage, breastfeeding is very important. I don't think you would be acting in her best interests if you put her in a situation where that might be taken away from her.

Secondly, as someone else has pointed out, you say you have initiated the separation, and you have moved to Hobart temporarily. I wonder whether this might be an important time to be as close to your daughter as possible, so that you can make the most of the limited time you have available to you with her? Perhaps it might be wise to consider your living arrangements to provide the two of you with the best possible chance to maintain your father-daughter bond.

I hope things all work out for you.

[Inanna]

I hear what you are saying Dad...

I think you mean the "let down" Dad.

I think you are being selective with your information Dad - the case for breastmilk being the best option for children is really indisputable. I am a health professional & I have never in my time come across a professional who can disclaim this!

I can tell you my experience with a 2 & 3 year old that breastfed... I couldn't express anything! I can especially appreciate the difficulty to try and express coupled with the extreme stress and anxiety that one typically experiences during relationship break down.

I think it is totally unreasonable to expect a child to cease breastfeeding to facilitate overnight visits. Anyone can bottlefeed a baby but not so with breastfeeding. There is a bond, an emotional, physical and dare I say Spiritual bond that develops in the breastfeeding relationship.

The time for breastfeeding is short comparative to life expectancy. If a child has always breastfed changing that for the convenience of another parent I think is not optimal.

[berna]

I'm sorry to hear that, CFlake!


It seems that custody issues often wreak havoc to divorced couples. Oftentimes, there is one parent who will get the custody and the other with visitation rights. But unfortunately, there are some custodial parents who deny the right of the other parent to see the child or children.

In your case, I think it would be better to seek legal service since she's already find her attorney. The court will, otherwise, decide for the best interest of Allicia. However, you can also ask your ex to settle proper parenting plans to work things out. the parenting plan should draft the timescale as to when parents have access to the children.