Do you regret it?

[danniellabella]

Do you regret leaving your partner? I'm just wondering if the benefits generally outweigh the regret or not. I would like to hear both good and bad stories please because I'm really confused and don't know what decision to make.

[rhyb]

I dont at all. Since I dont have much support IRL I have found BB to be great for that. Theres plenty of us here to talk it out with and if your unsure a break is the best thing.
HTH

[BellyBelly]

I think the separation process can bring out the worst in some people and reaffirm decisions.

[Beatrix]

Def not at all


he is and still proves himself a idiot

[ladybird11]

I wouldn't plan to have a baby by myself (I'm not that brave - but I take my hat off to those that are going down that line!!) - but I wouldn't stay in a terrible relationship for the kids sake (as I think it'd be more destructive to the child to stay and witness / be part of that lifestyle)...I would do everything to try and save it if that was possible for the kids sake though...

If only we had a crystal ball eh?

[all girls]

The only regret i have is that it didn't work out and having 4 kids with my ex i sometimes think it would be easier to go back but i know i have done the right thing.

It is a hard decision and only you can make it and i think there is going to be some regrets either way.

[MumGirlsDF]

I don't regret the decision as I was a single parent for along time before he physicallyl left. Whenever he came home from work, he wasn't interested in interacting with his children, refused to speak with me like another adult, and when he did talk to me it was to ask when dinner would be ready, or if I had done his washing...

The girls are alot happier now, as there is now regular routine in the house & I am alot more happy. I couldn't handle seeing my girls wanting their dad's attention, with him ignoring them. That just broke my heart. Now at least I know that they get all the attention they want. The girls do see their dad, but it is now at the stage where my eldest is saying she doesn't want to see him at all.

[Melby]

I think the separation process can bring out the worst in some people and reaffirm decisions.

That is definitely what is going on with me! I have absolutely no regrets at all, and the fact that XH is being such an absolute a&&hole just makes me wonder why I waited so long. Like, 2 days ago he was asking if I would consider trading sex for help with the "man" jobs (since I couldn't start my trimmer), and today here is an extract from one of about a dozen emails he sent:

"The girls will know who you are even if I dont tell them, your dad walked away because you were too much to deal with and all your friends left you.....look at the common denominator how many people do you know that do not have one person they have maintained a relationship with....grow the hell up and realise no matter what you think in your drug altered brain that you are the problem."

I feel like a much stronger, more capable person since I have been living without him (and I WILL get that damned trimmer started, somehow!). Part of that comes from being so sure of my decision. As someone else said, it is a decision that only YOU can make, but there are other things you can try if you are not so sure - such as counselling and/or a trial separation.

[danniellabella]

Thanks to everyone who has responded and I would like to read more as well.

I am about to start counselling but DH refuses to have any at the moment. I have to admit that I feel an amount of guilt for even considering and talking about this. DH does know that it's something I'm thinking seriously about and we've started discussing how we would divide things up if it happens. I have also decided that I'm going to wait until my job is more secure (by March) before really making any decisions. DH did ask if I wanted him to move out of our room and into the spare room. I'm not sure yet. I do love him...when things are good, but with his depression and dependance on marajuana there is no real warning before a bad period, it just happens and he's very, very snappy, verbally and emotionally abusive and I am left feeling like it's all my fault and like a shell of a person often crying myself to sleep in the foetal position. He doesn't understand why I can't just get over it when he does. Each time this happens it takes me longer to recover emotionally. Our last major blow up was about 2 months ago and I've still not recovered emotionally and this is the longest it's taken me to "get over it" and I'm still not "over it"

[jackrose]

You are certainly in a really really tough spot.

My experience has been to try to work out the problems in our relationship, but this is only working because we both really want to make it work. We have been going though rocky patches on and off for years due to the high stress job of DH. The 'accidental' arrival of DD a year ago certainly highlighted issues within our relationship and things were certainly getting pretty difficult between us.

I organised starting some counseling and thankfully DH came along, I don't think he realised what our problems were or how bad they were so he was a bit shocked, but he did participate and we are working through them.

I relate to what you say about blow ups, being really hurt and needing to take time to 'get over it', however by the sounds of that, getting over it is something you are having to do on your own... and that doesn't sound like a 'relationship' especially when there are two people involved in the 'blow up"' and one involved in the 'recovery'. I don't think you should feel guilty for talking about your situation and definitely not feel guilt about seeking counseling support. In my opinion that is a very very positive step. You are doing such a good thing for yourself, your child and your relationship to acknowledge the issues and by doing something constructive about it.

Maybe counseling will be really positive and help you heal, help you see things in a different perspective and give you the tools to approach your DH in another way which opens the door to him beginning to understand your needs. Maybe it will help you work things out or maybe it will help you decide that you can't and that you need to end the relationship.

I hope you find the answers you need. Both paths are difficult ones, just remember 2 people need to work at making a relationship work.

[paradise lost]

Depression and cannabis also played a large part in they way things were with my XP and i. Our problems ran deep and began long before DD was concieved and i stayed because i thought it'd be better to be together but within weeks of her birth i was ready to leave him.

I HATE marajuana. I have only had bad experiences with people who use it frequently and i have seen the same patterns (paranoia, judgmentalism, defensiveness and cruelty as episodes on a backdrop of depression, apathy and general lack of interest in anything) in 3 seperate people over 15 years now.

I do not regret leaving for one second. I am in a much healthier relationship now, DD is happy and loved by all 3 of her parents and i no longer feel like my insides have been hollowed out by living day to day with the crushing pessimism of someone who loved me but couldn't bear to see me happy.

Bx

[squidipa]

when i seperated from my ex husband father of two of my kids, its was blinkin aweful, because teh kids were so upset i spend hours and hours on the floor in the bathroom or under the shower crying, the kids foun it so hard and i thought about going back for the kids. my friends were great support. After many weeks and months of heavy emotional pain things looked up and i now have no regrets i think its worked out great and kids are happier too

[Lilly-Pilly]

Never...not once!

Its been over 5 years now and the thought of us being together in the past makes me cringe and feel all creepy

[Girl-23]

^ Amazing how things change huh? The person you were with (married, living, spare a child/ren etc) is the very person we can't stand today?

[BellyBelly]

I've been reading a great book, Parenting After Separation, which says the studies show that the damage for children comes from conflict before and after a separation moreso than the separation itself, so put it into perspective more for me. So the whole 'I'm doing it for the kids' argument doesn't really seem a sound one. I've had a friend even say to me that he and his sister were so miserable they wished their parents would have just divorced and saved them all the sanity... an unstable and unhappy home is worse than a happy one.

I know I am happier and healthier than I have ever been, I used to get sick all the time, even got glandular fever for the second time, as well as lots of other infections - never had a chest infection in my life but got a really bad one. I know I made the right decision and the kids are fine.