Male company (or lack thereof)

[Neenee Jellybeanie]

. . . It's getting to me.

When I go for walks, I always see guys running and it's like, w00h00! I'm forever thinking who i'd . . . like the company of . . . and who I wouldn't; yes no yes no yes no. Actually, that's a lie, it's more like, Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes no yes yes yes yes yes. Whenever I smell mens cologne, my heart sinks.

*sigh*

I know this is better than being with exP. For the first time in years, I don't feel strangled by his family's ridiculous antics,or by his complete lack of ability to deal with any responsibility whatsoever, or by his hands around my neck when he's having a violent episode. I can finally be ME for the first time in as long as I can remember, but I got so used to the male company, to the (although infrequent, by the time I left) physical interaction and intimacy, to, well, the sex! Oh GOD the sex! That is one thing I cannot fault him on. And now its gone!

I'd be open to dating except I honestly don't believe anyone else would want to be with me because I put on so much weight, and even if they did, i'd be too self-conscious. I actually made a promise to myself about this - once I can fit into pre-preg pants, its on Shame i'm not losing much weight anymore, bugger.

I'll get over it, I just needed a rant. If I didn't have DD i'd be lost, luckily I can always get cuddles from her And it's not tinged with feelings of "I know I don't love you anymore but I don't know how to get out of this situation."

/end rant