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Thread: Needing some confidence that things will be ok...

  1. #1

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    Default Needing some confidence that things will be ok...

    Hi - I am a single Mum, my sons father has never been involved in his life (he is 9 months) and wasn't there throughout the pregnancy. Whilst we had been on ok terms and spoke through the pregnancy, he made it clear that for now he doesn't want to be a dad, but doesn't know about the future.

    To be honest, I am personally OK with this (ie. I can't make him be a dad - so I am not stressing over it), but am SO SO very unsure on how this will effect my son. I will never say a bad thing about his dad, and we have a very supportive family (his Nan & Pop are a big influence in his life).



    What I would love to hear out there, is any feedback or stories about Mums in my situation whose children grow up as stable, sensible loving people. I know everyones stories are different, but I just fear him growing up feeling like he has missed out on so much. (perhaps I will one day meet someone who will take on a father role...who knows).

    Any positive feedback would be greatly appreciated.

    Thanks

  2. #2

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    I am not a single mum so don't know exactly what your current situation is - nor can I probably offer the best advice - but I have a couple of questions!

    You mentioned DS's nan and pop are a big influence in his life and that is good - do you have any other strong male role models in his life? Uncles? cousins? or good male friends? Maybe find one or two who could play a supportive and consistent role in DS's life?

    I hope that helps...

  3. #3

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    hi - i was raised predominantly by my mum... my parents divorced when i was 8 and my father passed away when i was 9. my mum as never v positive about my dad which made me very upset, especially when i got older, as he is v much a part of me even though he was not there in my life from age 9...so i think it is fantastic that you are positive about Cooper's Dad. I also had a lot of contact with my Dad's family thru my life which I treasured and my mum made sure of this as did my Dad's family.
    Anyway in terms of male influences i do think this is important. Probably even more so for a young boy. I spent a heap of time with my uncle and my older male cousins and I had various family friends who took on a bit of a 'fathering' role to me. I loved this and felt like i was a v special part of their lives and my mum encouraged it a lot. So try to reach out to other men in your life who can have a special bond with your son...
    HTH and good luck, I think your attitude is wonderful

  4. #4

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    Again im not in the same situation, but when i was younger, mum took off leaving me to be raised by my dad. She left for around 6 months....it was hard....nowadays im not close to either mum or dad... but have them in my life equally...(they are back together now...was just the 6 or so months they werent). My sister played a big role in raising me then, she wasnt living at home....and dad found ithard to cope with a 11 yo girl going thru puberty....so lucky my sister was there to guide him.

    Goodluck hun...

  5. #5

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    Heidi, at the moment the only real prominent male figure in his life is my Dad, and he will always play a huge part in our lives. He knows just how important it is that he play a strong role in his life, so I hope that that may be enough.

    I just get scared that he will also grow up angry and rebel because he feels ripped off. Who knows, there are no guarantees with parenthood is there?!

  6. #6

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    My dad was never in my life, my mum raised me on her own. Look at me now, im doing extremley well in life with a son of my own.
    My mum met her ex-husband when i was 5 and at 8 they got married, i didnt have much to do with him, and barley knew him. My sister was born when i was 9 turning 10, as she was born with down syndrome my parents had a hard time coping, (step-dad ended up having an affair), i vowed never to let him get close to me after that.
    To cut a long story short, they got back together had the twins (boy and girl) and i didnt get close to him until i was 17 when i needed a father figure in my life.
    My step dad was never a real played a good father roll, and my parents seperated a week after my 19th b/day.

    I dont regret not having a "father" figure in my life (although had male living with us [step-dad]), i dont think all males are like that, some just arent ready to be fathers when needed.
    I dont hate my real father or my step dad, am just dissapointed in them. but never am angry or regret the decisions my mum made.
    My mum never said a bad thing about my real dad either. Your son will grow up knowing he has a dad, but as long as he has you and everything he needs, it shouldnt bother him. and i know when the time comes that he wants his dad in his life, he knows you'll be by his side every step of they way supporting him, which he will cherish.
    There will be hard times for him, but they would be hard times for him even with his dad involved.
    You sound like you are doing a great job with him! Having his grandparents involved aswell is fantastic (i never had that). Dont stress, your son will grow up to be a fine young man, with just you by his side!

    Hope this helps some what.....Take Care

  7. #7
    Leekee Guest

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    I am a single mum with 4 small children who for the first part of their lives had their dad. However when we split my kids were aged 5 4 3 and 8 months. 3 girls and the 2 year old a boy.
    They have not seen their dad since the split, and because of that i find them crying at night wanting him and loving him so much, but not understanding why he wont see them.
    I find that having photos of him in "their special places" and being able to talk about him and constantly reminding them that he loves them very much is a big help. (I feel they do not need to know why he wont see them, as they are too young to understand)
    I really dont like the fact that i have to defend him to them as i dont see that he has earned that privilage, however i was in a split home and grew up to realise that we all make our own decicions when we understand the situation better.
    My kids will grow to realise that he was never there for them, and eventually make their own assumptions about him.
    Your son will too. If you bring him up with some neccessities of life (honesty respect pride and dignity) there should be no reason for him to be angry and feel ripped off.
    My kids are doing fine at the moment but as you said there are no guarentees. Be positive and open with him and you should find he will grow into an awesome little boy!!!

  8. #8

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    MY father passed away when i was 7 - and i dont really remember much about him prior to that. I dont think that he needs to be part of his life if he doesnt want to be - probably better to be completely out rather than half - hearted.

    You seem so strong, its amazing to see such a great attitude! IF you keep that up your son will definaltely see it in years to come and will respect you so much for it. Always tell him the truth about what has happened!

  9. #9

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    I have never really had a relationship with my father, and yes it hurt like mad. Even now I'm not completely okay with. Whether I'm a well-adjusted person or not . . . i dont know, lol! But I did read somewhere that a childs first relationship of trust is ALWAYS with the primary caregiver, and their self-esteem is based on their relationship with the opposite sex parent. So if that's true, it means that as long as YOU are there for your son, he should still have strong self-esteem and be confident.

  10. #10

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    hi my ex also wanted nothing to do with my son, although that changed when he turned 11 months, now is demanding too much access.... so you never know once your little one gets a bit bigger you may find it very hard to keep him out of your son's life

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