New Year's Eve Surprise

**Winston** · January 1st, 2009, 08:36 AM

Hi, I'm new to the forum so I hope this is the right place to post this. I also just seriously need to vent so I really hope i don't offend anyone.

I found out yesterday that I was pregnant. I'm 23, single and a bar tender and was joking around, i had a pregnancy test and was one day late and was planning a pretty big night so i figured i might as well test. i got the shock of my life when it came back positive. and the next three did as well. Even more shocked when the docs blood test came back as a 'very early positive' I don't know what to think or feel

. my friends have been amazing. I have one more year of my degree and no financial backing.

I if i was to ask a question, i would ask is it financially plausible to do this? to have a baby with no father when my career isn't up and running? I'm so torn and confused, I know how much so many people try for this but yesterday morning this wasn't even a possible reality.

Thanks in advance for reading...

**Papillon** · January 1st, 2009, 08:47 AM

Firstly, congratulations...

Look, this is a big decision, and one you have to figure out is right for you.....

As for is it plausible? is it doable? YES, most definately YES it is.... You have alot going for you, so even though this wasnt in your 'life plans', it doesnt mean it has to be the end to where you want to be or anything like that.... it just means your going to have a slight diversion, but your new course will be one you will NEVER forget!

It is doable, there is many measure's out here to help finacnially, and altho i know you saying there is no father.... im guessing by that you mean you are not with the babies father, BUT this baby still HAS a father. And he WILL be responsible for this baby... but luckily there are services out there who can help keep him accountable..

Hun, if this baby is what you want.... then you will make it all work AND, life has it's own amazing way of supplying us with everything we NEED, when we NEED it...... this bubby has obviously come to you at a time you need it.... and so will the means to raise him/her!

I am here if you ever need to chat, please do PM me..... even if you decide you just arent ready and need to go down the other road that is so rarely spoken, i too can be of a very understanding ear.

Either way sweets, CONGRATULATIONS....

P.S Can you speak to the father of the baby? see what he says..

**The[cookie]Doctor** · January 1st, 2009, 09:36 AM

Honey. You will be fine.

I promise.

Babies honestly don't cost that much. They don't need a lot... and they certainly don't need the best of everything expensive.

Public delivery costs nothing.
Breastfeeding costs nothing.
Get cloth nappies - roughly a sixth of the cost of 2.5 years of disposables and just as simple to use.
Babies grow so quickly you don't need to buy tonnes of clothes. You can buy so many second hand excellent quality clothes of ebay or from charity stores etc.
2nd hand cot would cost you $100... even better you could co-sleep.
I bought a ninety dollar pram - there ain't no way I would spend $500 on a pram even if we could have afforded it.

They are also not interested in toys.... ever.... give them a cardboard box

You will be fine, the first year is the easiest... and that year you can work out what to do next. I know it doesn't seem easy but you can and will make it work.
DF & I had only been together three months, neither of us had a job and I was only 19... it was a big shock but we made it work. And ok situational differences but it does work out.

If you are considering a termination you should request access to the private support group, I'm sure some of them can help you out if you choose to make that decision too.

Good luck hon, bug

to you.

xo.

**Lulu** · January 1st, 2009, 09:56 AM

Come into the Single Parents group if you like.
It is doable, not easy though. You will need family support, friends are ace but they do tend to drop off if you're the only one doing nappies in the group.
Do you have family close?

**Footsteps** · January 1st, 2009, 10:50 AM

hi hun,
got no advice...but offering a ear...youl be ok huni..youv got support from us all xxx

**widdly** · January 1st, 2009, 11:01 AM

Having this baby is most defintely doable, just depends whether you are willing to stray from your current life path and go in a new direction. There is the rest of your life to finish your study and get a career up and running.

My 22 yera old sister is currently 31 weeks pregnant and has been single since the conception, the pregnancy was a big fluke, she was on the pill and he wore a condom. It was just a one nighter and the guy was very young and immature. So far the guy wants nothing to do with the bub. She completely freaked out when she found out she was preggers of course and wasn't sure if she could handle keeping the baby. Now though things have worked out just nicely. She will be getting Single Parent Payment from Centrelink to help her afford to raise her bub. She has found that when people find out about her situation they are so willing to help her out, so many women have given her their kids clothes and furniture, even one woman she barely knows went out and bought her a $130 rocker!! So having bub is definately doable, everything works out in the finish.

Def join in with the single parents threads, you will get tonnes of support in there. Or if you are considering termination join those threads and you get an equal amount of support in there x

**Melby** · January 1st, 2009, 08:52 PM

Hi, and wow what a surprise! I am sure you are full of a whole range of emotions at the moment.

I just wanted to share the story of someone I know, who was 20 and studying to be a doctor when she found out she was pregnant. Her baby's father stuck around (and I guess this is different for you since you said your baby has no father but is that because he doesn't want to be a father or because you don't want to stay with him or.....??) and she ended up finishing her studies with him doing a lot of the caring for the kids (they got married and had one more) and now she has a very successful career and she is 36 with 2 teenage kids. And I am about the same age with a 3 year old and a 5 year old, who are still babies and still so dependent! Granted, she had the support of her kids' father, but they made a LOT of sacrifices along the way, and worked very very hard and now they pretty much have it all. Now he is back at uni finishing his studies so he can advance his career.

You said you have one more year of your degree, so if you do decide to go ahead with the pregnancy, could you do the next semester and then defer the final semester? Or just defer and concentrate on working and saving up some money for when the baby gets here? Perhaps completing your studies part-time in 2010 would work?

I definitely think it is doable, you just have to decide which option will work best for you. Make sure you talk to the baby's father, the child support agency, centrelink and the uni ASAP so you can get all the facts about each option and make the best decision for you!

Good luck, and let us know how it goes.....

**kawazuki** · January 1st, 2009, 09:02 PM

ok this may come as a suprise as i am married.
but when i fell pregnant with DD i was with a guy fro 1 month when we found out he freaked and ran. well i ran back hom to teh otehr side of the country actually lol.
but sadly i M/c but now i have a lovely family with a great hubby.

but tehre is so much support out there for you, dont eb affraid to ask for help

**Visitor8** · January 1st, 2009, 09:08 PM

What cookie monster has said, is exactly what I was going to say hun.

I am doing it alone, and have been, for the last 3.5 years. I don't work at the moment, my kids don't have the best of everything, but they DO have what they need.

It is SO doable! You will be fine

However if you decide you don't want to do it, is it possible you would consider adoption?

**Winston** · January 2nd, 2009, 03:26 AM

thank you all so much- I never even thought i could feel all these emotions simultaneously. But i feel a lot stronger after yesterday, and all your replies.

I realised looking over my last post that i made it sound like it was some crazy immaculate conception. Clearly there is a father, in fact in one of the things i feel most emotional about there are two possible fathers. but one is significantly more likely than the other and he is younger than me and also a reckless bartender. Selfishly i have imaginings where i just don't tell him and he's never in my life again, but i don't think i can actually do that. I just don't want to make descisions based on support that i can't guarantee.

I have an amazing family, who doesn't much stray from the path but who love me very much so when i do have the guts to tell them i know they will be very shocked but pull through. i hope.

From the second i heard about this I haven't really entertained the thought of termination, i don't even really know why. Part of me thinks that if i can have PCOS, endometriosis and have used contraception, maybe this is meant to happen.

Thank you again for your great advice, i'll go in and see the uni on monday, I know how flexible they are. I'm also doind a social work degree, so they happen to be very understanding and will no doubt have some resuources for me!!

**Kitt3n** · January 2nd, 2009, 05:45 AM

hun, you sound like you have a good strong head on your shoulders - all the best with whatever avenues you take - bb is a great resource too

xx

**The[cookie]Doctor** · January 2nd, 2009, 07:32 AM

From the second i heard about this I haven't really entertained the thought of termination, i don't even really know why. Part of me thinks that if i can have PCOS, endometriosis and have used contraception, maybe this is meant to happen.

Oh babe you are so right! It definitely sounds like one of those 'meant to be' kind of events.
I would say tell both of the possible fathers - you have no need to feel guilt or shame - you're young and enjoying your life, so who cares about the nitty gritty. You used protection and your baby is an "unexpected but welcome surprise" (much nicer than "accident")... they may both run for the hills and that is fine but in terms of C/L assistance and CS later on you need to have exhausted all your options to know who the father is - something about reduced entitlement ... call them and ask about it all.

FWIW the one you have mentioned may surprise you... I was a young reckless drunk skunk

But I know I am a fantastic mother and I am devoted to my DS's health and happiness. SO a r/ship with him is likely to be out of the realms of possibility but you may find that he shows more support than you think... is all I'm getting at in a round about way.

I can understand what you mean about not wanting to have this tangible idea of biological fathers support in your head, and that's fine, don't ever think of it like that, but morally how do you actually feel about not telling them? It's a big decision and only you can make it but have a think about it... you have plenty of time after all.

Lastly, you sound like YOU know YOU can do this... so it's all forward from here.

**Lilly-Pilly** · February 1st, 2009, 07:24 PM

You most definatley can do this!

I was 20 when I had DD, and seperated from her dad when she was 15 months. I lived on my own in Melb with no family around, worked part time, recieved single parent pension from CL. When DD was 2 i went back to study. I researched to find a place that suited me and DD and fit in with days and hours of child care and was only part time. It was a damm hard year, mentally and financially but I did it and I'm so proud of what i've achieved.

Once you're a mum you find you have more strength and determination than you would have ever known!

There is alot of help around, and alot of support here

Oh, and as great as it would be to not tell the father......you're going to have to at some point. Be strong and make your desicion for yourself! Best of luck

**alioops** · February 1st, 2009, 11:58 PM

I do the single mummy thing part time. DH is away on training for 3 months so for 3 months in a town that I have no family and have only live in for 4 months, it is just me and the kids. It is definitely do-able. You can do anything hun. Your parents sound a lot like mine. When I was a teenager I once asked mum what she would do if I came home and told her I was UTD. Her response was that she would be a bit shocked and maybe disappointed, but she would do everything she could for me and the baby (thankfully I never conceived until after our wedding!!) So even thouh they may be a bit upset by it, they will get excited and they will be there for you.

As for the father of the baby, he may shock you. Just let him know that the chances of you EVER falling pg are extremely slim and you were using protection so this baby has defied all odds and needs to be here. He has the option to take responsibility and get a DNA test to be sure, or he can do what some men do and head for the hills.

You would be surprised how much support is out there for you.