PTSD Support needed! Sorry bit LONG

[squidipa]

well here i go even just this brief bit is big for me, just to acknowledge it even tho i am not saying the cause.

I dunno maybe im making sence or not. Here's the thing i have PTSD clinically diagnosed TWICE and its crippling.
I cant do things by myself, i cant be put into situation i cant control. And its awful. I cant go shopping with out hubbie, without being so overwhelmed and those times are VERY VERY VERY few times normally after every avenue has Been checked if it can change.

Well tomorrow is one of those days. Hubbie has work and we have a appointment at the hospital for our son. I know i have to go, i know i have no choice, i will go, i have to. Its important. The problem is and i know u may think its silly but its a BIG issue for me. I have to leave home alone with 2 children and walk to station and catch a train and get off and wait for hubbie he wont be more than 30 mins after me but it honestly feels too much. Ill be late to my appointment as i cant do the walk alone just waiting for him will be extreme. I feel sick to my stomach having to do this. I am feeling angry to the person whom has made my very existence hard and painful. I hate that my freedom is gone. I am trapped with in myself.

I know i have to go but i am SOOOOO scared and i know it seems pathetic as i am a very rational person and i can see how it seems silly. But i cant get over this feeling inside. I cant change the appointment i know ill be 30 mins late but i dont care, i cant do that walk from the station to hospital by myself. No actually i do care im annoyed that ill be 30 mins late because i cant get over this!!

I am so over this feeling and 2 years of counseling and a criminal compo claim been handed in and i am still a blinkin cripple. I struggle to get kids from school, im fine if i dont have to get out of car but not fine if spoken to or ppl look at me. I dont ever want hubbie to work as he is my protector from what u may ask well my fears. Especially cant handle ppl whom remind of said person.

What am i to do. I dunno i gotta go, i will go, i know i will grow from this experience no matter how hard it will be GRRR im so ticked. I never used to be like this i am crying as i type this and so upset and hurt and yet all that changes nothing. I used to go everywhere and be VERY Independant yet now im a cripple in my own existence.

I cant escape it, yet in my own home and calculated surroundings i feel safe as safe as ya can be with uncontrollable things around you. Things i cant control im a mess the flash backs i freeze, i go into a world beyond this pitiful existence i get flashback and it plays like in real time im reliving it all again and again. ppl with ptsd will know exactly what im going on about.

I will NEVER be able to be average and work out side my home. I can not handle the interaction and uncontrollable circumstances, shopping with hubbie is hard enough. I am stuck here, stuck here forever it feels. Seems like im venting hey, i mean ive gotten off track the point was im confronted with a situation i must do my son needs to see this surgeon tomorrow and i have to overcome this but i just feel like i cant. I will do this i have to. I guess i just wish i was never in this place that im in now.

[BrightSparkles]

Oh hun,
I don't know what i can say except I believe in you and know that somewhere deep inside you (though you may not be able to see or feel it) you have the strength to be able to do this.

I can't imagine what you going through but am sending you lots of :hugs: and positive thoughts.

xxxx

[Spring Angel]

Oh sweetie, first of all you are not silly or pathetic. Your feelings are very valid and PTSD is very real. I sufferred PTSD after giving birth to my first son who was stillborn. I went from an outgoing happy go lucky person to a person imprisoned in my home. It took me months to even face getting the mail. My symptoms were very real, I couldn't control them and that is what made me the most upset.

I don't know what sort of counselling you are seeing but I found that the only thing that helped was seeing a psychiatrist who specialised in PTSD. The changes he helped me make turned my life around. PTSD is a real illness so if you are just doing counselling I would suggest seeing someone who is a psychiatrist and can help you with cognitive therapy.

Now about tomoorrow. Call ahead, tell them you will be late (that is the first hurdle down). Cut the day up into small pieces, don't feel like you have to face the entire day in one hit. Something like this.

1. Get kids dressed fed.
2. Walk to the station. (Call someone before you go to let them know you are leaving and call them once you have arrived so you know that someone knows of your movements)
3. Catch the train. (choose a carriage closest to the conductor if it makes you feel better)
4. Wait at the train station. By the sounds of it this will be the hardest for you. Try to organise distractions, a book to read to the kids, write your shopping list, call a friend.

If you break up the task it might not feel so overwhelming.

I know that the way you are feeling can be crippiling, I've BTDT and it was terrible. I found techniques like the one I've just described really useful.

I really hope this information helps.

Take care hun.
You will be ok, you will get through tomorrow.

Lv Spring

[Caramello]

Hi squidipa,

Spring Angel has given some great advice.

The only other thing I can think of is to take a support person, such as a close friend or a family member - that knows the difficulties you face and can talk you through.

[tiggerandpooh]

Squidipa, firstly

PTSD is crippling. I know. I live with it. I have been down to the very lowest of lows, and back up, and right at the moment, oscillating somewhere in between. Like you I experience flashbacks, and there are things that trigger me badly. I have been hospitalised for 2.5weeks because of it, gone through the criminal court system, put the perpratator in jail, gone through victims compensation, an appeal... the list goes on. And just when I think "it" has reared its ugly head for the last time, something happens to trigger me all over again. Living in a hypervigilent state is exhausting. But there is one thing that has helped me in the last 18mths, and I wish I had heard of it earlier.

Have you ever heard of EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique)? Goggle it. It is the one thing that has helped me - better then medication. You may need to find a practitioner to show you how to do it, but it really really works. I know that this isn't an immediate solution for your problem tomorrow, but definately something to look into.

[littlelara]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
If there was any way I could help you out I'd do it, but I'm in a different state.
I'll be thinking of you though, and hoping you're ok.
I think Spring had some good points for you to think about
BIG hugs x

[Tinks]

Oh Squid I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I like Spring Angel's advice, if you can't do it yourself can you get a friend or someone to go with you?

[squidipa]

Have you ever heard of EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique)? Goggle it. It is the one thing that has helped me - better then medication. You may need to find a practitioner to show you how to do it, but it really really works. I know that this isn't an immediate solution for your problem tomorrow, but definately something to look into.

No i have not i will google it.. sounds like u know what is going on with me and your post does help.

The only other thing I can think of is to take a support person, such as a close friend or a family member - that knows the difficulties you face and can talk you through.

thanks for your pm i appreciate it and tomorrow when i get home after the whole re coop how ever long that might take me ill check it out. Unfortunately there is really no one i can take with me ALL family and friends are in another state due to the cause of what happened.

1. Get kids dressed fed.
2. Walk to the station. (Call someone before you go to let them know you are leaving and call them once you have arrived so you know that someone knows of your movements)
3. Catch the train. (choose a carriage closest to the conductor if it makes you feel better)
4. Wait at the train station. By the sounds of it this will be the hardest for you. Try to organise distractions, a book to read to the kids, write your shopping list, call a friend.

thank you for braking up my day its such an important thing yet emotions stop me from seeing that. I have seen a councilor then onto a clinical physiologist and another person maybe she is a psychiatrist i dunno but money had run out so thats it for me waiting on the compo to continue. I am lucky the offender plead guity on all charges. But its been nearly 4 years now and its hard.


hubbie has written me some notes too on were the station is where to get off and so on he has already organized all kids clothes. Funny how these steps make all the difference i wont let this twit stuff up this day that my son needs me to be there for him. With that being said its still going to be hard!

[tiggerandpooh]

thinking of you today. focus on one step at a time hun.

[squidipa]

thinking of you today. focus on one step at a time hun.

Thank you i am up dressed so thats done simple as it is. I need to keep focused one each step i am feeling tight in tummie but i know thats ultimatly, my desition to let the past effect today. My choice. Hes in prison but still pfftt grr

(staying focused)

Ds is dressed and fed and i have nearly finished coffee now just got to
make bottles
pack baby bag
change and dress Josiah, feed him
put my shoes on
get keys and out i go.

After a night of tears and anxiety im doing this!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have note cards to keep me focused on my goal. I didnt realize i depended on hubbie this much nor did i realize how hard this would be for me 4 years on. I feel a remarkable calmness amongst this nauseated tight feeling inside.

I keep telling myself "be your worth" and breathing deeply.

[Spring Angel]

Wow hun, it's only just past 7 and you've already acheived so much.

You already have a tick in a few boxes. Congratulate yourself for getting the day started and now focus on the next step.

Just remember, don't get too far ahead and worry about later in the day.

Just one step at a time.

You are doing this hun, you are doing so well already.

Spring xx

[Spring Angel]

Hi hun

Just checking in to see if you are home yet and ask how your day went.

BBL to check in on you.

Spring

[squidipa]

Hi hun

Just checking in to see if you are home yet and ask how your day went.

BBL to check in on you.

Spring

I did it and i FEEL GOOD!!!

Was very relieved to get home tho was very exhausting mentally for me and emotionally, but after comfort food of donuts and chocolate and coffee i feel better. No i feel really proud of myself. It was hard and nerve racking. I was scared but unsure why i was scared and i did it. the day went pretty good got off at wrong station as hubbie had details wrong but he met me and we went on to right station on train together. Hubbie was about 8 mins away from me and the day went good. Both kids were well hehaved... THAT HELPS. We got everything sorted out and im so glad i didnt chicken out for me and for my son!!!!.

I DID IT!!!!!! i feel like a nob now but it was truly hard for me. I am not ready to do it again but i did do it!!! we got to see surgeon and booked an op and everything went GREAT, lost a dummie replaced it after with a new one so no issue... we are happy and i am so happy i did it. Not ready to try it again tho. Glad its in the past IYKWIM?

[BrightSparkles]

WELL DONE!!!!
I'm sooooo very proud of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

COngratulations!!!!!!!!!!

[tiggerandpooh]

well done hun. You did it, and should be very proud of yourself!

[Spring Angel]

You should be so proud, what a huge acheivement!!! You did fantastically considering how big a deal it was going to be for you.

I'm reaching in the computer screen to give you a big pat on the back.

Lv Spring

[squidipa]

Thank you!!!

[Caramello]

Well done! You did brilliantly well!