2010 - reassessing my friendships/emotions (LONG...)

[BrightSparkles]

For as long as I can remember i've alway been a "loner" so to speak. I have a few very close friends who are people that will always be in my life. None of these people live nearby and i often find myself feeling lonely and missing them so much I want to cry (and sometimes do). I do find it difficult to make friends as I look for qualities in a friend that make me feel comfortable and not on edge everytime i say something.
Then i have other "friends" who I know I can turn to when I need them. Some of these friends are amazing and i wouldn't change them for the world. However some of these "friends" I don't feel see our relationship the same way. This was clearly demonstrated in all the issues I had with a "friends" after my wedding this year which left me with a very bitter taste in my mouth (which hasn't yet left me)

I like to think i'm a nice person. I like to think i'm someone that people can turn to when they need a shoulder to cry on, that i'm an honest person, that i'm a sympathetic and caring person. However, sometimes these thoughts are taken over by negative thoughts of gee - i must be such a horrible "friend". Whenever I organise events my "friends" will say they are coming them pull out at the last min with some lame excuse, or they don't return my phone calls - ever, or will never commit to a time to catch up. All these things leave me wondering...do they see our friendship in the same light that I do? Am i really that bad of a friends they don't want to see me???

So after many sleepless nights questioning my own personality and morals/values and beliefs... i am going to reassess what it is i really want in my friends. I'm not going to make the effort to follow up with "friends" who don't appear to see our friendship in the same light. I want to spend my time with my "real friends". Those who don't judge me for standing up for what I believe in, those who appreciate my advice and listen to what I have to say. Those who will be there with me and for me through the good times and the bad and not just so they get something out of it.

I know everyone has thier ups and downs, for me this year I feel like i've had allot of negative moments emotionally - and it's not something I like in myself. I really want 2010 to be full of happiness and self belief/confidence/esteem rather than self doubt and lack of confidence within myself and my abilities.

If you got this far through my ramblings you are AMAZING. I don't even know if it makes any sense to anyone else... just needed to get my thoughts out.
xx

[squidipa]

this makes perfect sence, i think your on the right track good luck and best wishes for next year you sound like they type of person i would seek out to befriend so i am sure you will make new and enrich your current friendships

[Oorki Galoorki]

I think i will be joining you on this journey (if thats ok?)

i want to find a friend who is happy and confident in their own life to tell it straight not what they think others want to hear, I want some one who will just pop over for a cuppa to catch up, I would really love for a friend who i dont HAVE to call when times are bad cos they know.

2009 has already taught me so much about my self and how i act so time for me to shape up, learn to laugh again and get my head out of the clouds.

Jen goodluck with your journey!

[AliBaby]

i dont think it is a reflection on you at all hun

You are all those wonderful things you described. I know our friendship is a new one through BB but I think you are warm, caring, open, kind,honest and beautiful and you give with all of all your heart.

I have had so many bad experiences in regards to some friends and I probably do focus alot more on family now as so many people have come and gone in my life.

I had a low point a couple of years ago where I organised a Sunday lunch for my birthday at a restaurant with my friends who all said they were coming and I was left there with one friend. I was so embarrassed as there was a big table set up. However the friend that did show up was someone who has been in my life since I was a child and I may only see or speak to a couple of times a year (I call this a very low maintanance friendship) but we both know when it really counts we are there for each other).

From that moment I really started to re-assess some of my friendships.

I think sometimes it is so hard to spread time over so many people and it is quite difficult to find the right balance(one of my goals for next year is to find 'balance' in everything I do). I honestly think that people arent purposely trying to be a 'bad friend' but get so caught up in their own lives that they forget about the feelings of others. I too am guilty of this.

I am so sorry about what happened at your wedding and the behaviour of some of your friends. I know that you were very hurt by some people who you would have called your close friends. Maybe not close any more.

Please do not think that that this is a reflection on you. You are not a bad friend. You are far from this. I have seen you welcome so many people into your life through the kindness of your heart on BB and I really dont think you should change one bit.

Keep smiling hun. The friends that count will always be there in the end.

I look forward to spending more time with you, Jorja and bubba number 2 in 2010!

[BrightSparkles]

Oorki Galoorki - Of course you can join me! Anyone is welcome!!

Thanks for your support girls. xx

[mrsmac]

What a really positive thing to do. I have been thinking a lot about this kind of thing lately and what kind of a friend I am myself and trying to improve as a person.

Hope you can make the Sydney meet in the holidays Sunshine and Alibaby.

[BrightSparkles]

would love to have made it but unfortunatly I have to work Next time maybe.

[*LittleMissSummer*]

I'm so joining in!! My new years resolution for next year is to forget about all those people who have forgotten about me. 2010 should be the year we all look at our lives and see how we can make it better and by getting rid of people who bring us down and dont make us feel good.

[smiles4u]

Oh Oorki (Ellissa) so wish you & i lived closer as i reckon you are my cuppa tea or coffee as a friend, i have an acquaintance here in Ballarat just as you are describing as much as she is genuinely lovely as a person and i can have a great laugh with her she is every time i see her telling me all the ' nice stuff ' she clearly must think i wanna hear about myself, and she repeats it over & over to the point i actually feel a tad embarrassed which is pretty rare for me and it seriously drives me batty

... i don't know what it is about me but i attract particular slim chicks who often go one about their weight issues, telling me how they have gotta lose a couple of kilo's that's gonna kill them to do, OMG wahhh i just want be around people that can really be happy within their own skin no matter what ... and women with i'm talking BIG insecurity issues that feel better to drag others down to make themselves feel better i just think is so evil ... well, you should see how fast i run then

Yeh, i so understand Sunshine (Jen) where you are coming from in regards to some so-called friends !!

... i have been here in Ballarat for 5years and i never in my dreams thought it would take this long to find/stumble across someone i could see as friend material ... just someone as Oorki described who is happy within themself & happy with their life, i mean someone who makes the best out of their life situation & do with it what they can that makes them feel great & can at least smile & feel proud no matter how large or small their goals are in life.

I said to DP the other day " I think i'm kind of looking for someone like myself, i guess someone who is like minded, is that weird ?? " ... and he said with a smile " And it took you this long to work that out "

[BrightSparkles]

I said to DP the other day " I think i'm kind of looking for someone like myself, i guess someone who is like minded, is that weird ?? " ... and he said with a smile " And it took you this long to work that out "

My Dh says that all the time!!! Maybe now i'll start listening....

[*LittleMissSummer*]

There comes a point in your life when you realize: Who matters, Who never did, Who won't anymore... And who always will. So, don't worry about people from your past, there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

This is one of my friends status on facebook and its so true and it so applies to each and every one of us