Not that my Mother is a terrible person,while growing up, for alot of years, it was just me and my Mum as my Dad left when i was 3 and she did a good job, trained as a nurse and worked full time and i still had a good childhood (apart from a few divorce related issuses).
But there are things that i always said internally that i wouldnt do when i became a Mum, things she did that as a child i felt were detrimental or negative. Ways she would act/respond to situations, just throw in the towel and get angry, how she would loose her temper so quickly, be so moody/angry about small incidents..i would constantly be walking on egg shells so as not to upset her...and i watch my 13 year old sister do the same now.How she would be so negative...comments about people we would pass in the street, "ugh..look at that fat man...what is she wearing'' etc. The way she used to drink and hide her drink and get into a rage and say the most horrendouse things!
But i know most of these things are only due to her low self esteme/confidence and she isnt much of a talker so things just got bottled up and delt with in these negative ways.
But the older i get the more of my Mother i see in myself, and it terrifies me. I dont want to act like her, get angry at DP over silly things, cause arguments because of petty things, have my DD see me being stressed or grumpy or loose my temper...i know this is unavoidable sometimes but..... Luckily i dont drink (well, hardly), so thats not an issue, and i dont make negative comments about every person i see walking down the street but i feel i do some of the other things i swore i wouldnt do, and even though i am able to identify that i have done these thing and say to myself 'i wont do it again' i still seem to do them.
I want to be a different person than my mother and be a different role model and a better partner but im not sure how to change!! ???
Hugs hun. I suffer from server concern about me being like my mum. My mum wasn't a bad mum and on the whole I had a good life. But my mum had a lot of issues that stem from her being adopted and brought up in a strict religious family. Growing up my mum was addicted to sickness and hence a lot of our childhood revolved around how my mum was feeling. She always manipulated situations and was/is very judgmental of others that didn't fit her definition of perfection. Oh and my mum always wanted everything to be perfect which irritated me to no end.
I swore that I wouldn't be that person and to a great extent I have risen above her ways...But every now and then I catch myself saying or doing some thing like my mum did and it scares me sooooo much.
At least I think I have enough foresight to acknowledge that there are ways that I have been conditioned to be like and I am satisfied that I can see and correct certain behaviours before they own me. Did that make sense?
Last edited by BekZ; January 30th, 2010 at 02:46 PM.
I share your concerns in that i too worry about this. One thing that I think is helping though is reading up about it. My shelf full of relationship psychology books has been money well spent. From what I can recall the brain lays down pathways... physical neuro-transmitters configure according to how frequently you react or behave in a certain manner. The first step is to acknowledge that you want to start making a change and then you have to substitute another behaviour and then REPEAT....and repeat and repeat. It takes longer to undo something the longer you have been doing it.
My mother is a very damaged person. I choose to call her damaged instead of 'bad'. I don't believe anyone is born bad... they become bad mainly due to environmental influences. She has a very mean streak. I was raised with humilation as her main strategy of discipline. She was raised with physical violence so maybe she thought that humilation was better than hitting? I learned not to trust her from a very early age. The only way i can cope with the incredible sadness of not trusting my own mother is to try to turn it into a positive: like a BB members sig says "if you can't set a good example then be a horrible warning". I apply that to her. I NEVER want my children to fear me. If I learned that they didn't trust me I would be so devestated. this is my motivator. Occassionally i slip up, as any damaged person is bound to do, but I use the situation once again and go up to my child an apologise. This was another thing my mother NEVER did... and still doesn't do to this age. She doesn't say sorry... or if she does it's conditional: "I'm sorry BUT". How I hate that phrase!
There's some great books out there darl... reading up about these issues may help.
I totally understand what your saying about identify, replace and repeat! DP likened it to giving up smoking...similar i guess, It has really helped talking about it with DP in more depth.
Im sorry that you have been through such a hard time with your own mother, but you have done such a good thing for your self and your family, being able to break the chain!!!! Thanks so much for sharing your experiences. I will have a look at getting some good reading matterial. Hugs to you.xx
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I am too much like my mother...
I learned not to trust her from a very early age. The only way i can cope with the incredible sadness of not trusting my own mother is to try to turn it into a positive: like a BB members sig says "if you can't set a good example then be a horrible warning". I apply that to her. I NEVER want my children to fear me. If I learned that they didn't trust me I would be so devestated. this is my motivator. Occassionally i slip up, as any damaged person is bound to do, but I use the situation once again and go up to my child an apologise. This was another thing my mother NEVER did... and still doesn't do to this age. She doesn't say sorry... or if she does it's conditional: "I'm sorry BUT". How I hate that phrase!
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