feel so guilty cause i actually WANT to put her in day care!

[beckoes]

I am so lucky and privilaged that i am able to stay home with my beautiful DD all day every day while my hard working DP goes out every day and earns our crust!! I dont have a carrer to speak of but im happy with that, i have a few paths i can take when im ready to go back to work.

DP and a friend are currently opening a restaurant and its alot of hard work for everyone and i cant really get down there to do much cause i always have DD. We go and 'help' but there is only so much i can do as it has to be child friendly so DD can help too, and when we are actually trading i want to be able to be there a bit and help.

I have NEVER untill the last few days thought i would ever want to put DD in child care but i have thought it a few times in the last week, and i feel so guilty! that probably sounds so stupid, i know its not as if i want to abandon her cause im sick of her....and i know she would probably love it, but i feel bad casue i dont actually HAVE to i just WANT to.

[Amaunet]

I think being a Mum is finding whatever balance works for you and your family! Childcare can be a positive experience for children with the right carer/centre!

It's a big decision to make - but you'll know the right one- cos it will feel right to you!

[{sarah}]

Think of it this way... Do you love your DP? Do you want to be with him 24 hours every single day or do you like to have time apart from him as well? Do you feel guilty about having time apart from him? Same deal with your DD IMHO

[~Kaz~]

Here is my opinion.
Try not to feel guilty hun. I don't think you have anything to feel guilty for at all. Wanting some time away from her, to do adult things like helping with a new business or getting back into the workforce yourself, does not make you a bad mum or even an average mum. It actually makes you a pretty normal mum imo. Having some time apart each week could actually make you a better mum, in that you've got your own time, space, interests etc so have more energy for her when you are together. And it could also show her that you are more than her mum (as she grows up). And like you said, she would probably really love the social interaction.

There is nothing wrong with caring for your own kids full time, but there's also nothing wrong with putting kids into care either. There are advantages to both. Save your guilt for something that actually deserves it!

[AliB]

Beckoes it is a good idea I think, absense makes the heart grow fonder! Because you'll be entirely flexible with respect to what day/time you could accept you may be able to more quickly find a place in a really great centre that you're happy with.

[Glamourcide]

Oh honey, I'm a SAHM who honestly thinks the BEST parenting decision I have EVER made was to put DD1 in daycare for two days a week! Seriously, it has worked WONDERFULLY for us, and I did it for the same reasons as you're considering - I just needed a bit of 'me' time (which I rarely use on 'myself' lol, I do the grocery shopping and run errands etc without having to drag along an adventurous toddler, if I manage to fit in some clothes shopping while DD2 naps in the pram it's a GREAT day), and DD1, to be honest, really needed more time out of the house and with other kids her age. I don't have a lot of friends with littlies, and those that do are working mums or just have completely different schedules so we just never managed to get together.

I totally understand the 'guilt' feeling you describe - but seriously, throw that one right out the window! I used to think SAHMs who put their kids in daycare were the biggest, laziest good-for-nothings on the face of the earth, but I officially ate my words when DD1 got to 12-18months and my world was turned upside down She needed the interaction and socialisation and stimulation that daycare gives her just as much as I needed some time to just rest, or get things done without wrangling her at the same time

Don't feel bad about it at all hun, being a 24/7 mum is soooo hard, we deserve a good break! If you can find a centre that 'feels' good, that your DD likes, get her a spot and give yourself a break as well as giving her the benefits of making new friends, learning new things and having a whole day dedicated to play!

All the best hun, it's a hard decision but it definitely worked for me and my DD - we love 'bubba school' heaps Please don't feel bad about considering it, for most families I know part-time daycare is a great tool to help mums and their kids get well-earned breaks from each other!

[thepixie]

I think it's a great age for her to go to day care a couple of times a week Beck.... I put DD in last year because I was going back to work, and she absolutely loves it now. There is so much for them to do there, that you can't or don't do at home, and the interaction with other kids is great. Also they do seem to learn some forms of discipline more easily in a group setting. I say go for it - I think it will benefit you and your DD

[beckoes]

Thanks ladies.....great advice!

Oh Glam....you actually made me cry, not sure why! but i think its just so good to hear the words that are going round in my head come out of someone elses mouth!!! And good to hear from someone else in the same situation with positive things to say about CC....(when i think CC i think about that baby who got third degree burns cause they left him in the sun for hours!!!)...like you i dont have many friends with kids (strike that...i have none since my one friend just move to NZ) so i think that it would be great for dd to get some kid interaction!

Thanks again all!

[Astrid]

Everyone has given some great advice. I have also put both my kids in care 1 day per week as of this year for a number of reasons, but mostly I really need the break. I have no family support and only a little friend support. I have gotten to the point where I cannot deal with both of them to go out and just do basic things, also I wish to find work. To find work, I need care and having them in 1 day means that it is easier for me to get more when I need it.

[Glamourcide]

Lol sorry for making you cry, honey!
I know, we all hear the horror stories about daycare centres on the news, but they are *so* rare - DD1 has been at daycare for over 12 months now and apart from one incident early on (a very mild case of sunburn, which was probably unavoidable because she's sooo fair like her mummy and daddy - I burn on the five-minute car ride to pick DH up from work in the afternoons, and that's with tinted windows wound up!), we've had absolutely no issues Her carers are wonderful ladies who always have a minute or two to listen, they do individual programs for each child according to their needs (eg if you mention that you want to start toilet-training or ABCs or whatever, they will help out with that at daycare to make your job a bit easier at home!), and DD1 is always glad to see me at the end of the day - chatters all the way home about what she did today, goes to bed early (yaaay!) and I feel like a much better mummy after being able to relax a little during the day

I just figure that the days when we were guaranteed family or friends close at hand to support us are gone - I have my parents but they both work and are away on weekends a lot so it's very hard for me to get them to watch the kids, and like I said, a lot of my friends are just in different places in their lives right now, so it really, really helps me to know I have daycare to lean on or look forward to when I'm having a particularly trying day I no longer feel any shame in admitting that I need the time to myself just as much as DD1 needs the interaction with others - I reckon if we were getting paid to be mums, we'd be on 7-figure salaries, it's that hard!

I'm glad we were able to make you feel a bit more at ease with your situation - there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with doing a bit of outsourcing here and there, and it's not as though the kids suffer if they are in a caring, friendly environment with kids they enjoy playing with and carers who are good at their jobs. Again, best of luck with whatever you decide to do, I hope I've been able to help a little!

[Astrid]

I read an article a while ago that suggest that childcare will soon be properly recognised as an extension of our "village" as the old village of friendly neighbours, grandparents, aunts etc down the road just don't exist for many of us anymore.

[beckoes]

You all gave me the kick up the bum i needed to knock the guilts out of me....well a little bit anyway!
I rang a place near us and im going to go in with dd for an afternoon and have a play, see what we think and if we both like it!! I was so worried cause DD feeds to sleep and i asked the lady how sleep time works and she said they have enough staff in the room to pat the kids to sleep if thats what they like! they sound so lovely but we will see.

Thats so true about not having the support groups that used to exist, i have no family atall in this country, DP only has his dad and he is in sydney. i tried to find like minded mothers around here but i think they are all at home on the computer chatting on BB

[BhoysGirl]

Hey Beckoes, just thought I'd add my 2c worth. I put DS into DC when he was about 15 months old. At that stage he was still having 3-4 feeds during the day, and was feeding to sleep. He wouldn't take milk from a bottle at all, it was BM or nothing. But I found that he coped with it really well (better than me ), missing his daytime feeds didn't upset him while he was at care, he just hung out for when we got home & made up for it then. And they didn't have problems getting him to sleep, as long as he had his teddy. Granted, I didn't ask exactly how they got him to sleep, just in case they were going to say cc, but he was generally always happy to be dropped off, and he certainly built quite an affection for his regular carers, so I figured that he was doing just fine with all of it. And I don't think they actually did CC, I think he just learnt that it was what he had to do & got on with it.

And the silly thing is that as hard as it was for me to put him into care (I had to, went back to work), I had to pull him out last week cos we moved across town, and I'm not driving 45 minutes just to keep him at the same centre, and on his last day, I bawled my eyes out, because I know how much he's loved it and I now feel like I've ruined his life....not really, I'm sure he'll recover, and we're looking into new places, so it's temporary, but still, going to miss the lovely girls who've looked after him so well.

[Trillian]

Thats so true about not having the support groups that used to exist, i have no family atall in this country, DP only has his dad and he is in sydney. i tried to find like minded mothers around here but i think they are all at home on the computer chatting on BB

Sometimes you have to build your village because for various reasons you don't have the 'automatic' village of family. And if that village building incorporates childcare then I think it's wonderful and she will only benefit from it. I'm another SAHM who never uses formal childcare but if I had to I would because I think that it can be vitally important to foster relationships like this kwim? And then when you do decide to go back to work, you've already taken half the stress out of the situation by having her comfortably settled in cc already. Good luck and let us know how it all goes!

[Megan]

Beckoes, I've just been through this with DS myself. I felt so guilty when I told DH I wanted to put DS in daycare for one day each week. I felt selfish, and worried about what others would think. I don't have any support nearby and it's hard work being a SAHM. I felt that I needed it for my own sanity and the extra stimulation and social side of things would be good for DS.

We started last Tuesday, so only early days but I feel so much better for it and energised when I go to pick him up... ready to take on the rest of the week! If you're both going to benefit from it, there's absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.

Good luck next week. Going in to check it out for an hour or so is a great opportunity to talk to the carers and see how they interact with the babies. We did it 3 times the week before he started

[mrscricket]

Bec - just wanted to say that I have also met a few mothers through my DS being in daycare. We will be in the supermarket and he will call out a name or I hear his name and it's one of his little friends, so naturally you have a chat with the mum.
I was another who put my DS into daycare for one day a week to have some 'me' time, although I ended up getting offered a work shift on the day and took it. He absolutely loves daycare and really helps with his social side, as well as getting to do lots of creative things and singing and dancing etc. It's been gorgeous seeing how many friends he has made and he is always so excited to tell me about them.It's also made him realise as a only child atm, that he is not the only child in this world and helped heaps with his sharing. Previously everything was 'mine!' but it's really improved since being at d/care.

[Cassius2]

you'll be entirely flexible with respect to what day/time you could accept you may be able to more quickly find a place in a really great centre that you're happy with.

i think AliB has made a great point here. you are in a great position to be fussy and pick the 'right' place/person to look after your DD. you dont have the pressure to find a place within a specific time frame etc etc.

Have you thought about family day care (FDC)? this can be a nice middle ground between home and a child care, and because you might be more flexible on days you may be in with a good chance to find a great FDC carer...just a thought!

[beckoes]

thanks so much ladies, lots of great advice and stories, ive been thinking about it so much and i think im definatly going to do it if this place i look at is nice. Im still worried but i really think she will love it and i will deffinatly need to work a day at the restaurant we just opened. But like you said, i can pick my day and times etc. had looked at FDC but for some reason i think i prefere this other DC i found, just felt more comfortable with it.
thanks again all