Yes, no, yes, no... she's doing my head in!

[Haydies]

Hi Girls...

I come today with a problem I'm probably not going to describe well. It's difficult to put into written words so bear with me.

My darling little energy ball is two and a half and is driving me UP the wall! She constantly jumps between "yes" wanting something, and "no" not wanting something - all within in split seconds.

Perfect example and reason for me finally posting about it was 5 minutes ago. She was playing with her toys and has this farm fence pieces that all clip together. She couldn't get the last two to go together so sat at my feet getting frustrated. I offered to help and got told quite bluntly that she didn't want it. No problem.

Then I hear "heeeeeeelp", so I bend down (oh yeah btw, 22 weeks pregnant and bending over is becoming a distant memory). As I bend down she yanks the toy away with a "no me do". I sit back up "heeeeelp", bend over "no", sit back up, "HEEEeeelp!!", bend over "NO!". You get the idea.

This is slowly getting worse. I used to have it over one thing a week... then a couple of weeks ago it became at least once a day, now it's over EVERYTHING.

She wants juice - I open the fridge, she cracks it and doesn't want juice. I shut the fridge, she throws a fit because she wants juice. I open and she hurls herself to the floor and is adamant she doesn't want it. I close and she screams out "juuuuuuuice".

If it involves asking me for something, asking for my help or having me involved in any way - we go back and forth for 5 minutes with this deal. It's DOING MY HEAD IN!

My thoughts so far:

• Tiredness. She's been fighting sleep since before she came out I swear. And lately it's been getting worse.
• Teething. Her 2 year old molars are cutting through which I also think is causing her sleep problems
• Terrible Twos. I guess they're labeled that for a reason. Could this be one of them>
• My mother's wish that I had 3 just like me is starting to come true...

I don't know... I honestly don't. She does this with me and with her dad even worse. It can be a sulky yes/no issue, or a screaming yes/no. She can hurl herself around, or get violent with me (new thing, so much fun).

My questions
A) Is this normal toddler behaviour to act like this?
B) If it's normal, is it normal to have it happen THIS much?

[YoYo]

My DS does this a bit too....like he just can't make up his mind what he wants.

He's done the juice thing with the fridge.....You want a choc milk...Yep...get it out...."no, cold water Mummy"....in goes choc milk...."milk Mum".....Gah!

In the end I just explain to him that he either makes up his mind, or we close the fridge and do something else. I also put both his choices at his reach and let him decide and grab whatever it was that he wanted.

So I guess it's normal! Well I think my DS is normal! Imagine being that little and actually being able to choose, and decide and do things for yourself, but maybe not having the vocab or skills to be able to complete it....it's a tough gig being 2.5!

Also, with DS...if he gets frustrated doing something I ask him "would you like me to help you" and if he says No...I then say "well, if you want some help I'm right here so just ask me nicely" I still try and let him help ME when I'm helping HIM IYKWIM...so he kind of thinks he's done it himself.

[Ca Plane Pour Moi]

DS didn't do this to me much. Because I made sure I looked after myself! If he asked for something, he had to say "please". If he didn't, I didn't bother shifting and he didn't want it too much. If he did but changed his mind, that was the drink he asked for (for example) and it is there when he does want it.

I wouldn't be helping with toys again unless DS apologised for snatching a toy back and asked for "help please".

If he hurts me, I walk away and go somewhere DS can't follow. I don't play again until he apologises.

When he calms down, I do tell him why I behave this way. I tell him why his behaviour is unacceptable. If he has a tantrum because I won't put up with him hurting me or being rude to me, then tough. He can get me back with an apology.

It's a bit of attention seekeing, a bit of assertiveness and a bit of learning about the world. If DS wants attention, he now asks me to play with him. When we're playing he can tell me what role I'm playing. He reminds me of things, like how to cross the road. That's good assertiveness and I'm working on how to be assertive without being rude now. He learnt that Mama has firm boundaries and is a person who is worthy of consideration. He asks me how he can help me now.

This does make me sound a bit mean, but I am parenting the man I want DS to be as well as the toddler he is. And I want him to be decisive, so this at least makes him aware of decisions, consequences of decisions and how to stop changing his mind.

[AndiE]

Not sure that this is going to be of much help, but my understanding of it, when they behave in this manner, is they're doing it for attention. The toddler is the centre of attention as mum does her level best to keep toddler happy. I know toddlers are a little more complicated than that, but that's my initial guess .

Not that I'd suggest you ignore your DD (not at all!), but would it be worthing letting her "sort" her small problems out on her own - frustration or not - and save your help for when she really needs it? As for wanting juice one minute and the next, I can only say what I'd do if it was my DS1 ... which would be to not give him any juice if "yes'd, no'd etc". Then if he threw a tantie, I'd just act completely normally and not fuss over him till he stops.

My DS has only just turned two and while he hasn't hit the "yes ... no" stage, he will sometimes throw a wobbly when he doesn't get his way, or when he wants something he can't have. I find the less fuss I make of him when he's being precious, the quicker he gets over himself. I find distraction to be a good method to avert a meltdown too.

Parenting a toddler certainly is a sharp learning curve! Good luck.

[Haydies]

I find the less fuss I make of him when he's being precious, the quicker he gets over himself. I find distraction to be a good method to avert a meltdown too.

I don't make a fuss at all - if it's something I can walk away from (something happening in the kitchen, laundry, bathroom, etc) I do. If it's somewhere I'm already there (couch, computer, etc), I ignore it. Byut ignoring it means she'll just go and go repeating the same thing over and over. And I've let her go for a good 15 minutes before.

It really is hard to explain it in writing (as I diclaimed before starting) as it's not really a "tantrum" in the sense she's not getting her way so she throws a wobbly. It's more than she's frustrated I guess.

And it's not just with juice, toys etc. For example not long after writing this post I went and sat on the couchand sat on the far left. She cracked it as she wanted to sit there so I move to the middle. She then starts whineing that she wants me to sit back on the left. I tell her that I'll stay in the middle and I get five minutes of her patting the left with "mum sit.... mum sit.... mum sit".

If I ignore her, she won't stop - I'm not kidding, she just keeps going like the energizer bunny of repeating the same word. If I tell her I'm staying put, she throws a fit. If I move, she throws a fit.

Being 22 weeks pregnant doesn't help with my lessened patience (tired and 22 weeks of headaches does not help) and inability to constantly move around.

Another example was a couple of weeks ago we went to a fair type thing. Fun and Sun Festival I think it was. They had a petting zoo thing so we lined up for 15 minutes to get her in - she LOVES animals and there were bunnies there. After waiting we are at the front and she starts screaming "no no no" she didn't want to go in. Really bizarre for her as she's usually all over animals.

So we go line up for this tea cup ride she asks to go on - 20 minutes in a line with no shade. The entire time in line she is going on and on about the tea cups, which colour she wants to go in etc. Get to the front and bam "no no no no". She actually ended up crying a little when I tried to just go on with her...

By then I cracked it and said that's it, we're going back to the car and of course five feet away and she's asking for the tea cup ride again.

I dunno, I'm really not explaining it right. I've only had one friend witness it (outside of DH and myself of course) and even she was surprised at it. She hadn't seen it before and she has three kids.

She does ask for help, and she knows to say please. Only when she asks for "help please" and I bend over, she says no. I sit up and again with the "help please". It's not a lack of manners.

[Shades]

I'd be inclined to think that it was just the excitement of learning that she can influence someone else's actions just by saying something... It'd be like a new toy all on its own!

[Spring Angel]

It sounds like a power struggle to me and the usual toddler testing the boundaries behaviour.

We have a very strict rule around here, Mummy and Daddy do not listen to whinging. If DS asks for something in a demanding or whinging manner (eg repeating the same thing over and over) I insist that he stop, ask politely and wait for Mummy to respond. I am very strict with this, I can't stand whinging and it didn't take long for him to start understanding. I make sure I give him heaps of positive praise when he uses his manners and ignore him if he is whinging. If it is getting out if control, I tell him he can sit in his room until he can use his manners (no more than 2 mins) and it always works.

I think what your DD is doing normal toddler behaviour and I know how frustrating it is.

HTH
Spring

[M22]

mel,

my boy is the same - thinkit's just part of the development- so annoying isnt it? no advice though if i find somthing that works i will let you know!!

anyways congrat son your preggy n too

[KatieRabbit]

My DD does the exact same thing but only when she is tired. It is really quite annoying because nothing is the right thing- even the one she wants. It drives me insane but I have noticed it is definitely a tiredness thing.

[black_rose]

DD1 does this too, she is teething, her 6yo molars of all things so it makes her tired and hungry as eating is painfull. When she gets extra hungry or tired she gets like this, she can't make up her mind she keeps changing it.

I will offer her milk/juice and if she changes her mind it goes on her table for her to have when she is ready. I am 21 weeks pregnant so I know what you mean about getting up and down all the time, I ask DD to bring what she wants help with to me if she can.

While I have been reading and posting this DD started off like your DD, wanted something to eat but when I offered her yoghurt and juice she didn't want it. I ate with her and we cleaned up her toys and found one she really wanted to play with adn she is happily playing again.

I think a lot of it can be wanting attention, DD understands about being pregnant and having a baby so its like she wants all my attention as much as possible. We try and use rewards to encourage her to do the right thing, eg going to see nanna or swimming.