Known Sperm donation

[Gary]

I would be very interested to hear anyones experience with known sperm donation.My situation is that i have a very stable,loving marriage with two beautiful daughters - our family is complete.My wifes sister 'E' who is a single,successful ,career woman has made the decision to 'go it alone' and have a baby - she will make a wonderful mother and has a strong family network around her for support.My wife and i have discussed the option of donating my sperm in the past with 'E' should she come to the big decision - she has now reached that decision and i would like some feedback.I am very confident about my role as donor both now and in the future but am very open to hear experiences or thoughts from other people.We intend to be completely open with my children and my sisters in laws child in the future.I am completely honoured at the prospect of being able to offer this gift to someone who i have immense respect and 'love' for - but want to make sure that i am fully armed with as much information as possible before we take it to the next step.

[Sally2]

Good luck and good on you for trying to help her realise her dream!
No advice, but just a big for luck

[Jennifer13]

Just moving this thread to the Donor Conception area where it may get more response.

[Caramello]

Gary,

Firstly you are doing an absolutely brilliant thing - well done you!

Secondly having briefly been down this path (my BIL offered to be our donor but then withdrew because he had difficulty with the issues involved) I would suggest a number of things:

1) talk to a counsellor to make absolutely sure that this is the path you want to follow. Preferably use a counsellor that has a background in AC issues so that he/she will be able to discuss things with you that you may not have previously thought of.

2) talk to a lawyer and ensure you have thought about the legal ramifications

3) think about the long term issues. Will you be as comfortable if your SIL finds a partner with whom she will raise her child?

4) Finally make sure that you always talk through any issue. We do this all the time with our current known SD. Remember that this will be at the very least 18 years of negotiation and communication.

[JBM]

good luck is all i can say, what an amazing gift to give.

i would prefer if it was me to be an unknown donor as i would find it harder to see my offspring in a biological sense, but hey i am a womwan and we're far more emotional than men. don't tell my DH i admitted to that. LOL

good luck to you

[robyn123123]

What a great thing you are doing. No advice, just want to say good on you.

I have been through yrs of issues and so have a lot of my friends. We are now about to start going down road of perhaps using a donor.

Good luck.

[Lieve]

Gary, firstly the fact that you've even considered it at length will mean more to your SIL than you will ever know. My DH and I are soon to be recipients of a known SD (a long-time friend of my husband), but it has been a very long time getting to this point, and going through the process of thinking through who could we ask, what about the relationship down the track, etc. We seriously considered asking my husband's brother (our first reaction was wanting at least some of my husband's family genes in any resulting child) but ultimately decided against it, as the gene issue became less important compared to some of the other issues we had to consider. So, for so many reasons but also for no real particular reason, we just felt better going with our friend. It's been a long and emotional journey for us, and I think the ONLY reason we've made it to this point (with the 3 of us still on the same page) is because of the counselling and their wonderful advice to 'TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING'.

Some of the discussions can become quite confronting, invasive, emotional and uncomfortable (it's some really personal stuff you're forced to talk, think and hypothesise about), and some boundaries can become quite blurry, you will all experience the journey differently and at different times... which is why it's so important to keep talking. The biggest issue we have faced with our SD is that of having more than 1 child. Our SD is really comfortable with the idea of 1, but can't quite get his head around more than that yet. Which was initially hard for me to accept, but after talking with him now I totally understand it- he doesn't know who or where he'll be in 3-5 years or how he'll react once a child exists, so wants to be able to make the call about more children down the track. And as we want our child to know him and have a relationship with him, it stands to reason that any further children are 'wanted' by all of us. I'm not sure what state you're in but in VIC there's also new laws about donors and recipients having to agree on the "disposal" of excess embryos - whether used for science, destroyed, etc

So, as Seachange says, talk to a specific donor counsellor - they'll help you think through all the issues, as it's not possible to even contemplate what some of them might be on your own. And best of luck, it's massive what you're contemplating, it is the ultimate gift of generosity, and your wife and you are amazing people for thinking about it.

[Gary]

Thankyou so much for taking the time to post a response.Counselling seems to be the no.1 piece of advise and was probably the one direction that my SIL and i hadn't focussed on.I guess the fact that the three of us are all very positive meant that we perhaps felt ready and prepared to deal with any issues both before and after conception, on our own .... AND that is why i posted my original message ... genuine feedback! It's the unknown questions and issues that we may not have even thought of that we perhaps need to address.I have just phoned my SIL and told her to check out your response ... invauable words , thanks again and i will keep you updated.

Gary,

Firstly you are doing an absolutely brilliant thing - well done you!

Secondly having briefly been down this path (my BIL offered to be our donor but then withdrew because he had difficulty with the issues involved) I would suggest a number of things:

1) talk to a counsellor to make absolutely sure that this is the path you want to follow. Preferably use a counsellor that has a background in AC issues so that he/she will be able to discuss things with you that you may not have previously thought of.

2) talk to a lawyer and ensure you have thought about the legal ramifications

3) think about the long term issues. Will you be as comfortable if your SIL finds a partner with whom she will raise her child?

4) Finally make sure that you always talk through any issue. We do this all the time with our current known SD. Remember that this will be at the very least 18 years of negotiation and communication.

[dreamrise659]

hi Gary,

Would love to hear how your decision making is going. It is a huge but wonderful thing you are considering doing.

I wanted to use a known donor who would have some involvement in the child's life but didn't know of any one suitable to ask. I ended up advertising and spending a couple of years searching for the right donor. I spent 6 months negoiating an agreement and developing a friendship with one gay guy who then changed his mind (with no explanation). It was absoluately heart-breaking as I felt we had become good friends and he just disappeared. Some of the stumbling blocks that we spent time working through were related to the role he would play in the child's life. I wanted him to play a role like an uncle but the child would know that he was their biological father (donor). But we had different ideas about what that would look like in terms of things like fathers day, what the child would call him etc. Also as we were both single we had to think about what might happen if either of us got a partner. I thought we had worked through all these issues and were about to start trying when he changed his mind.

I eventually found another donor who I trusted but he was not going to have any contact with the child (only emails and photos). I spent 13 months trying with him and he was very supportive and encouraging throughout that time (now that I am doing IVF he is still supportive and encouraging even though I am now using anon donor sperm through the clinic). I feel sad that I wasn't able to continue with him as I think it would be much better for the child to have the opportunity to know (or know of) their donor.

I think your Sister in law is very lucky if you do go ahead as it means that the child will have their biological father in their life even if it is their uncle.

I feel the most important thing (from talking to adopted friends and friends who have adopted siblings etc) is that you are honest with your children and with the future baby about their genetic links etc. You of course will need to think about how this will effect your children (how will they feel about it) but I think if you are honest from the word go and talk openly about it so that it is not a big deal they will be fine.

Best wishes

Lori
DD - 13
Started donor search Dec 06, Donor insemination with known donor Jan 09 - Jan 10, now IVF with anon donor sperm