A housework vent

[ElleJay]

Sorry if this is not the right place to put it - but I thought I'd see what you all thought.

When I do the washing, and after I've brought it in, I tend to fold it up - DHs clothes and my clothes.
I put my clothes away but then put DHs on the end of the bed. I've said to him before that if I fold his clothes up, will he put them away? He said that he would. He hasn't done it - once ever!

The vent is this - JUST yesterday I put clothes at the end of the bed and he's b**ching and moaning saying 'You could have put them away you know!' to which I said 'You said you'd be happy to put away your OWN clothes! I've put mine away'
Anyway, today he walks into the study and says 'They're mostly your clothes you know - Jumpers and pants' I remember I washed 3 jumpers and 3 pairs of pants (in preparation for winter) so it's not like it's a whole lot - but is it too much for him to just put them on the chest of drawers so I can put them away later?

Now, the fact that I've already asked him before if he'd put them away is why I think I have the rights to be annoyed at him. But it's every time I do the washing! It's always 'Why haven't mine been put away?' and 'When I say to put the clothes away, I mean all of them'
So, my question is also, DO I have the right to be annoyed? As I said before, I feel like I have the rights, but it's just a right royal PITA.

Away from the clothes for a second - I feel like I need to vent about something else.
Whenever DH is on holidays from work (he's a teacher) he does housework, but each time he does, he makes me feel like garbage - like I don't do anything while I'm home. He gets home after work and says things like 'Ugh, this place is a pig sty - I guess I'll just have to clean it up on the weekend'

Why can't he accept that we have a clingy baby and that I just can't get alot of stuff done? I've tried him (DS not DH) in a carrier, in a sling and his rocker and I can get the dishes done, or one load of washing hung out before he gets cranky

Ok, vent over - sorry ladies

[ss_storm]

Hear ya on the clothes thing...I refuse to put DH's clothes away, I used to put them on the end of the bed but he never did it, so now I just dump on the floor on his side of the bed (folded) and if he puts them away fine, if not then it's his problem and I just try not to look at the mess! He's asked me before if I can put them away for him but I just told him I'm not his slave or his mother and seeing as he hardly does anything else around the house it's the least he can do.

The way I see it your number one 'job' at the moment is looking after your little man, your DH's primary job is being a teacher, housework comes after that. I struggle some days to get anything done, but that's just the way it is with a baby and I'll tidy up a bit when she is asleep.

Try not to let it get to you hun, DD isn't an overly clingy baby but I find it hard enough sometimes to keep her happy if I have to put her on the floor to do something! Do you have a play gym for him? DD still loves hers, it's the Fisher Price Rainforest Lights & Sounds one, so plays music and has some flashing lights as well. Now that she is on the move she doesn't stay under there for long but it will keep her occupied for a little while.

[Roryrory]

It sounds to me like you have an issue about roles on your hands, not one about clothing. Here's my analysis:

I've said to him before that if I fold his clothes up, will he put them away? He said that he would. He hasn't done it - once ever!

You've baragined with DH for him to do part of the washing job - do you feel like its your job and you are negotiating with him to help you? Or do you think its a fair division of a job that "just needs doing"? Did he get any say in whether he would put them away? Do you think he thinks you should just do the whole job?

'They're mostly your clothes you know - Jumpers and pants' I remember I washed 3 jumpers and 3 pairs of pants (in preparation for winter) so it's not like it's a whole lot - but is it too much for him to just put them on the chest of drawers so I can put them away later?

Does he feel like if he does "his jobs" and you should do "yours"? Does he resent having to do "his jobs" (because you are home full time? because you are the wife? because he does other things?)

Now, the fact that I've already asked him before if he'd put them away is why I think I have the rights to be annoyed at him. But it's every time I do the washing! It's always 'Why haven't mine been put away?' and 'When I say to put the clothes away, I mean all of them'

Have you assumed the role of mother here? (in that you chose the jobs and the kids are supposed to do them). Has he taken any real responsibility for his part in running what is HIS house as well? Does he feel he should? Is he the child who needs looking after, or the "man who works" who "should" be looked after? Does he care if things get put away? Do you have a different standard of cleanliness that him?

Whenever DH is on holidays from work (he's a teacher) he does housework, but each time he does, he makes me feel like garbage - like I don't do anything while I'm home. He gets home after work and says things like 'Ugh, this place is a pig sty - I guess I'll just have to clean it up on the weekend'

Does he think you aren't pulling your weight? That you are home full time and should do more? OR have you led him to a position where you think you should do it all then get cranky with yourself that it isn't done? Has he ever looked after a baby full time? Does he realise what is involved in doing this?

I know this is asking more questions than providing answers, but it seems that you tow have a disconnenct in expectations - both of what is possible to get done in a day with a 5 month old AND what each of your new "roles" actually entails.

There is no easy or correct answer to this sort of thing. The minute we left the eara where the wife stayed at home and did EVERYTHING and the man worked all day and had wifey bring him his pipe and slippers in the evening, we threw out the "rule book" - it is literally for each couple to work out between themselves. The only thing I know is that you will never get to the "answer" without first asking these sorts of questions......

[[M]umma[M]ia]

I put DF's clothes away 90% of the time because hes usually at work and not here to put them away. We work together when it comes to housework. He will do anything I ask him to do, but I try not to ask him too much, he does enough at work. Putting his clothes away takes a whole 20 seconds, so i dont mind really. (sorry if thats not what you wanted to hear)

The comment "ugh this place is a pig sty", is not on. That would **** me of big time! Talk to him about it. Tell him you dont want him saying them things and to keep it to himself. Its good to vent on BB, but its also important to talk to your husband regulary and discuss the problems and work out stratagies.

HTH

[alioops]

When DH says the house is a pig sty I make him take DD3. If she is clingy he will hold her, if not he will watch her. I have recently joined fly lady and I take the chance to do something every time Leah lets me put her down.

[ElleJay]

Thanks for the replies ladies

ss_storm - Yeah, DH does stuff all except the cooking. He keeps saying he has so many plans for the backyard and hasn't done anything. He says he wants to move stuff around and it doesn't get done. I'm the same now - I put it at the end of the bed for him to put away and it usually ends up at the end of the bed on the floor and he's grumpy cause its there.
I think I have to invest in getting something like that for DS that you have for your DD - but I need to wait till I get back to work and have some $$
My problem is DS barely sleeps during the day. I'm lucky if I get 2 blocks of 40 minutes from him so I can barely get stuff done. On top of him teething, he's really clingy, I just can't do anything

Rory - I definitely feel like I'm trying to negotiate any kind of housework with him, and because I am home, he expects me to be doing all the house work day in and day out. There are just times where I just can't because I'm exhausted.
He thinks I should do the whole kit and kaboodle - The washing them, the hanging them out, the taking them off and the folding and putting away.
In terms of housework, he cooks and cleans the dishes. Other than that, he doesn't do anything unless he's fed up with the 'mess' (as he puts it).
He thinks that his job is the cooking because he likes doing that, but just recently he's said to me 'Is there any chance of you ever doing the cooking? Or is it what I have to do?' So he basically expects me to do everything. When it comes to him doing 'stuff' around the house, well.. it's just nothing. I don't feel like he does pull his weight around the house and that the only time he does clean up himself is when people are coming around and I have to look after DS because he just won't stop crying.
I honestly used to be the lazier one out of the two of us when it came to cleaning, but bout a month before DS came along, I started pulling my finger out. Now, I like to at least throw the rubbish out of one room a day and straighten up that same room. When DH comes home from work, he sits himself in front of the tv till dinner needs cooking and then cooks, dishes up and then goes on the computer to do work. 11pm - 12am rolls around and he's rolling himself into bed.. And the day starts again. When it comes to the weekend, all he wants to do is stay in bed or just watch TV, like what's happening now.
Before DH and I were together, his XP had a 2yr old, so he hasn't actually looked after a baby full time - and he hasn't looked after DS full time. The most he's looked after DS is 3 hours while I napped. *see below*
He keeps saying to me that he'll gladly stay at home with DS if I brought in as much as he did because he thinks it's alot easier than his job now. And I know his job is REALLY hard, but to me, nothing is harder than looking after a baby full time.

Hollye - Thanks hun It kinda wasn't what I wanted to hear, but I did ask for opinions and that was yours. Thankyou
On top of washing them, folding them, hanging them out, I'd thought that it's not asking too much for him to do one thing. I usually do the washing while he's at work too, but never bring the clothes in until he gets home and I can put DS on the floor with his toys while DH watches TV, so I don't see the harm in him putting them away.
I usually try to talk to him about alot of stuff - housework, helping me more etc, but he always changes the subject (and it's not just when I'm talking bout important stuff he does it - he does it ALL the time)

Ali - Yeah I'm the same - There are just times where I've got DS on my lap on the computer because he just doesn't wanna let me do anything. Then, I'll put him down and he'll start bawling, or he'll be ok, but I'll walk away for two seconds and he'll get hysterical.

I had a nap today - well, a sleep more or less (got 3 and a half hours) and he put on 2 loads of washing while I napped. When I woke up, he said to me 'I managed to get a fair bit of stuff done, I don't know why you can't manage to do what I did' His 'fair bit of stuff' is just 2 loads of washing! My 'fair bit of stuff' is 3 loads of washing, dishes done and one room cleaned up of all it's rubbish.
Right now, there's a few of my clothes right in the middle of the bed (next to a sleeping DS) and I'm just going to hang them up - to which DH said 'I told you it was your stuff at the end of the bed' to which I said to him 'It's ok, at least I'm putting my clothes away'
As I said, DS is asleep, so I'm now going to go catch up on housework - even though it's 11:38pm and I'm not even tired!
Again, thanks ladies

[Roryrory]

Liz, I'll play devil's advocate here. My mum is firmly of the view that if a man goes out to work, he has to do his job while he's there - he doesn't get his wife to come and help him. So by her reasoning, if a woman is at home it is her job to "keep house" - she should not expect "help" to do "her job" from her husband. By my mum's reasoning, your DH is already "helping" by cooking.

Now, throw a baby into the equation. Personally I had a VERY easy baby the first time so I actually got to the stage where one day all the housework was done and I had nothing to do (by "all", I mean even the cupboards were neat and tidy). But I remember when I was home with my second (there was a 18 month gap between my boys) it was really hard to get things done. You are tired, kids demand your time, and its hard to get motivated. You do live in a "pigsty" because you are doing all you can from drowning.

Somewhere between these two extremes is where most of us find ourselves.

You mentioned before that he was the "neat" one of the two of you before DS came along - do you two still have greatly different views of what "clean" is?

Do you want to be a housewife-extraordinaire, and have a sparkly house? Or are you happy with something else?

Is there any merit in anything he says? Do you feel you could be doing more housework? Or are you drowning in it and need help?

Have you thought about setting up routines for yourself? Do you think this would help?

LizJessie, I know I am not giving you any answers, but like I said I think these are things to ponder before coming to any conclusions. And as Dr Phil says, woudl you rather be right or happy? Would you rather be justified in your anger towards DH or would you rather find some happy medium where the two of you can co-exist?

Hugs hun, navigating new parenthood and changed roles is never easy.

[turtleschell]

Your partner is being a jerk.
I may be way off track, but I get the vibe that there's more going on than housework issues.
Has your relationship been quite strained since DS came along? It sounds like you both need to find some time to step back and try to be the couple you used to be. Maybe you could do some nice things for him, and be extra sweet, just to remind him of how your relationship used to be, and then he'll realise that he also needs to put more effort in too.
Sorry if I'm off base, but HTH if I'm right.