Am I supposed to pay attention to attention-seeking behaviour?!?

[Snacks]

I am really uncertain as to what to do with DD atm. I feel really out of my depth.

DD(3yo) is displaying some classic attention-seeking behaviours. I can recognise these for what they are but am having some difficulty knowing what to pay attention to and what to ignore...
I don't know if they are all age-appropriate or whether she is still really struggling with having a younger sibling (something she has never really adjusted to IMO) or... what.
1. Eating. She is extremely fussy. I am trying to just present her with healthy food (although we do occasionally have treats) and not care if she eats or not. However she is very small and I am worried that she is going to become malnourished.
2. Toileting. She has only just got the hang of this so I am trying not to be harsh in my judgement of this situation. She is dry all day at CC (2 days/week) but at home and at my parents' place she has occasional accidents. Ok, but I get annoyed because I remind her throughout the day and sometimes she wets her pants only moments after I have asked her if she needs to go to the toilet.
3. She is getting very rough with Phoebe. Phoebs is quite hardy, so I'm not worried for her safety as such, it is more the social side of things. I don't want her to think it is ok to hurt anyone, but particularly someone smaller than her. She has started hitting, pushing and shouting at Phoebe.
4. She is also getting rough with her friends. Yesterday we had her mate over to play and it felt like the entire time I was on damage control, reminding her to be gentle, not to grab and to share. She was also being a bit nasty to other children in the playground yesterday - not physically, but was pulling faces and baring teeth etc.

These behaviours are troubling me and I don't feel like I can ignore them, so I wonder if I am exacerbating the problems? Natalie gets quite a lot of positive attention, although obviously less than she used to before Phoebe got more active and involved in everything. Most days I try to spend 1 on 1 time with her when Phoebe sleeps, and we always have time together just the 2 of us before she goes to sleep at night (stories, singing & talking). She now also has 1 day a week with my mum (who she adores) when P is at CC. They do lovely things together like go out for cinos, gardening, craft (mum used to be a kindy teacher), cooking etc.

How do other people deal with these behaviours? Will she grow out of it? Am I making the problems worse by reacting (verbally) to these situations? If so, how else should I respond to them?
Thanks for your help. I would love to go to a parenting seminar but because of work and having a baby I haven't found one at a time where I'm able to be there. I need some SKILLS! I am lost.

[Arimeh]

Subscribing for hints. There is 2 weeks age difference between Natty and Aricyn - and he is exactly the same as you are describing.

[Visitor8]

hmmm

I haven't really gone through it like you have. However I'll give some advice on what I would try

Re: wetting herself. Instead of asking does she need to go, I would be making her go and 'try' to use the toilet at least every hour if she's having accidents. Sometimes the boys even now will say they don't need to, but as soon as the willy is out they are peeing.

Getting rough with bubs. I would send her to the corner, and shower bubs with lots of love and "are you ok's?" while totally ignoring her. If she is doing it for your attention that would be the complete opposite of what she is wanting.

I really find the corner helpful in situations where they are just being naughty. Yes hurting the baby is naughty as is hurting her friends. I would be sending the boys to the corner if they did that full stop.

Eating, don't play her games. Kids will eat when they are hungry, if she refuses let her go, if she's hungry later re offer whatever she refused. I never make 2 meals in this house, the boys either eat it or go without. However if it's something they REALLY don't like, I will make it far less and make sure I put something they do like there but get them to try it. Chase wasn't even keen on steak, so he would have steak and lots of vegies. Eventually he grew to like the steak and his plate would be clean. When he went through his "I don't like it" faze he would eat all his vegies and I would ignore the fact he didn't eat the meat.

But above all, attention seeking behaviours are usually an insecurity thing. So when she's behaving well, tell her how proud of her you are. When bubs is napping or playing happily on her own, spend some time reading or playing dolls with her.

[Oorki Galoorki]

so you know its "attention seeking" wouldnt it then be a good idea to give her the attention she needs?
i am not saying respond positively to the behaviours that you think are negatives, but fill her need, she is feeling like she needs your attention for a reason...

but i think alot of what you have written is typical toddler behaviour.

[sneakysparkle]

I'll come back for a big reply later - but WRT toilet accidents - I take DD if I know its going to be accident time soon, not just ask her. We make it fun - we check for sneaky wees - the wees that sneaks up when you don't think you need to go, or check what colour the wees is going to be this time!

But my DD sounds similar at the moment so I need help too!!

[Snacks]

Mel: Hope you find some help here too.
Mel: Thanks, I will make sure I take her to the toilet myself. As for the eating, I would be thrilled if Natty ate any vegetables, let alone a steak. Hopefully it is a phase that she'll grow out of... soon.

OG:

so you know its "attention seeking" wouldnt it then be a good idea to give her the attention she needs?

That's my question! I feel as though I am giving her positive attention at times when she is displaying behaviour that I approve of. I am wondering at times when she displays behaviours that I don't approve of whether I should be ignoring this or doing what I am doing (which is responding verbally or physically removing her at times). Yes, I imagine there are any number of reasons for her wanting my attention. Could be that she is a toddler and that's what they do. Could be because she hates having a sister. Could be because I have gone back to work and she's not coping. I do not know. My issue is the display of anti-social behaviour and how to address it.

SS: Thanks also for the toileting tip. Will have to remember "sneaky wees". LOL!

[Snowy Love]

Love the sneaky wees idea - gonna try that!

[Visitor8]

I have never and would never attention those negative behaviours. It just encourages it. This isn't a 1 year old who doesn't get it, this is a 3 year old who is doing it to be naughty. She knows what she is doing is wrong.