Won't settle for DH but I don't think it's separation anxiety.
My little lad is coming up to 5 months. He is a gorgeous, happy content little boy. He doesn't fuss if being held by anyone else and rather is fascinated by other faces and voices.
Problem is whenever I go out and DH looks after him he cries and cries. He is breastfed so I always leave EBM and DH is more than happy to play and offer him all the cuddles he needs. It's getting beyond a joke. I went for a 40 minute walk yesteday and DH said he cried the entire time I just wanted a few moments to myself. The confusing part is that he isn't like this if Mum looks after him. I think perhaps DH is missing those subtle tired signs. DH works away a lot so can go weeks without seeing DS. DH is losing confidence and I'm feeling guilty going anywhere because I don't want my cherub to be upset.
Awww, your poor hubby, he must be feeling a bit rejected or hopeless. When your DH is home does he hold DS a lot, even if you are there? Maybe that will help..... Maybe if DS is tired, put him to sleep before you go so DH doesn't need to look for those tired signs, or try and plan leaving him when he's not due to sleep? dunno. It could still be separation anxiety even though DS feels comfortable with your mum though..... I know at about 4 months my DD2 would be happy with DH or I and my dad, but not my mum. We thought it might be her glasses and about 100 other things, but she gradually became more accepting of her......
DD is the same with DF, no way would she settle for him to go to sleep even if he tried (which he usually doesn't ) and she is fine if he is with her while I'm there, but sometimes she starts crying if I go out of sight. Normally she is alright if it's just me and her and I go out of sight so it isn't separation anxiety. I think it's mostly because she spends 99% of her time with me, and because DF rarely has time with her alone, he doesn't spend all that much time with her to begin with.
Maybe have your DH play with her while you're hanging around the fringes, and just disappear for a couple of minutes at a time so she gets used to just being with daddy. Does she have regular sleep times or does she just go to bed when she is showing tired signs? I found that by about 6 months or so DD's tired signs were less noticeable so maybe he isn't able to pick up on her subtle signs? If so perhaps give him a rough time when she should be going to bed, or it may be that she'll settle for your DH one way, and settle for you a different way?
Perhaps he is missing tired/hungry/nappy signs? I know when faced with a crying baby my H would often go into "cheer the baby up" mode and sing, read him books, distract, distract, distract... but not realise that actually he was really tired!
My son also would not settle to sleep with my H from 6 weeks old... till about 18 months. We don't have family around so it was just us and I'm not sure if my son would have gone to someone else but for all that time I had to be there for sleeps.
Do you have a sling? That was one thing that worked really well for us- my H could take our son out in the sling and all would be fine. Gave me some much needed moments of sanity.
Thanks for the suggestions and ideas guys. I really appreciate it.
I think you might have knocked the nail on the head. I feel silly for not thinking of this. DH has a really bad knee injury ATM and is due to have an op in the next few weeks (seeing the surgeon on Mon). He is in constant cronic pain so I've been doing pretty much everything to do with the boys. Do you think bub can sense his stress and pain? DH is so highly strung with his pain. I always make sure bub is fed, changed or asleep if he is tired before going out but it seems the moment I leave chaos descends. DH is trying but your right, he is feeling really rejected and I don't blame him.
Dh pretty much holds him the entire time but any weight loading causes his knee to hurt. It's all coming together, I think DS is just feeding off DH's stress. Do you think that is a likely cause?
Yes. Babies feed off stress SO much. Kids do, for a long time. And the more your DH can't settle him, the more stressed he becomes, so the mroe the baby feeds off it, and the cycle continues.
Sounds like it's a really rough time for you guys. See what you can get DH to do for him. Especially nappy changes, they can be a wonderful bonding time. Can you get him to just sit next to you and stroke the baby's legs while he feeds? Or get your DH to make lots of eye contact during the odd feed? That will help.
Anything else you can do to relax your DH while he holds the baby will also help. Music, being outside, whatever.
Having a shower or bath together is a great way to spend time together. If you want put a light nappy on him while in the bath in case he makes a mess.
My DD2 was a pain for years but I still went out. I had to have a break.
Every Thursday night DH would come home and it was his job to feed, bath, read stories and then put the girls to bed. One week I would do the grocery shopping (yeah, I used to enjoy grocery shopping) the other just wander the shops. Never away for long but I needed the break as it was my only time I could have.
Kids are amazing at the way they can pick up your vibes when you are in pain or feeling unwell. I hope you get some answers at the Drs Monday.
This has been happening to us too. DD just wouldn't settle with DH, but would happily go to my mum or my aunt or my female cousin. Only recently has DD been settling with DH and I tell you it is the biggest relief for both me and DH. DH feels that DD has relaxed with him and she easily falls asleep in his arms now and he feels like he CAN do it. We haven't done anything out of the ordinary, just persisted. DD is almost 14 months and it's probably only happened within the last month or so.
It makes a lit of sense now. I discussed the replies in this thread with DH and he admitted that he is so worried when I leave that DS will get upset that he immediately gets stressed. We've decided to let it go for a while and worry about it once DH has had his op. we are going to try to make sure they get plenty of one on one time cuddling while I'm still here and DH is seated so it doesn't hurt his knee. Then we will try again once hubby is back on his feet.
Thank you all so much for helping me think this through
Won't settle for DH but I don't think it's separation anxiety.
I just wanted a few moments to myself. The confusing part is that he isn't like this if Mum looks after him. I think perhaps DH is missing those subtle tired signs. DH works away a lot so can go weeks without seeing DS. DH is losing confidence and I'm feeling guilty going anywhere because I don't want my cherub to be upset.
Reply With QuoteMaybe if DS is tired, put him to sleep before you go so DH doesn't need to look for those tired signs, or try and plan leaving him when he's not due to sleep? dunno. It could still be separation anxiety even though DS feels comfortable with your mum though..... I know at about 4 months my DD2 would be happy with DH or I and my dad, but not my mum. We thought it might be her glasses and about 100 other things, but she gradually became more accepting of her......
) and she is fine if he is with her while I'm there, but sometimes she starts crying if I go out of sight. Normally she is alright if it's just me and her and I go out of sight so it isn't separation anxiety. I think it's mostly because she spends 99% of her time with me, and because DF rarely has time with her alone, he doesn't spend all that much time with her to begin with.
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