Im just having a moment where im questioning myself as a parent.. and i keep wonder if im doing the right thing.. iykwim
those that dont no my situation ill quickly recap
( dp has only just started coming down from brisbane every few weeks and having grace for a few hours on the sunday(he left me wen i fell pregnant and moved away after 2 years together), usually with his mum, hes only just started to get abit involved i know he loves her and adores her, just hes irresponsible and hasnt had much to do with her so really doesnt no what having a 15month old entails and how hard it is at the moment,)
i do applaud him for coming back into the picture and getting more involved, i can tell he loves her and adores her.
and i know this is going to probably come out all wrong bu t im hoping it wont
i guess im resenting him and the fact he has this whole life of not having responsibility, of just coming down when it suits him, he started talking to me on fb today n said he was down at the moment, and asked if i was busy today or tomorow, i have gone through this with him i havent heard from him for 2 weeks no nothing, to se how dd was nothing, ive told him befire that i need notice because i usually have plans that i make of a weekend with dd.. i told him he could maby take her tomorow but i wont be at home ill be housititting, the thing is i had plans we were going to take dd n dp's son out for the day as i didnt no he was down arghh.. i guess he just errking me n i think the fact im resenting him n his selfishness/arrogance and irresponsible is really getting to me.. i have had a terrible few weeks with dd shes been sick n clingy n he doesnt realise wat it really takes to be a parent he thinks he can just take her for a few hours and i just feel like the bad guy, im her mum/her dad her everything because hes not fully in the picture argghhh sorry im just rambling now
p.s i am grateful he is in her life even if it is like this/ and i know its so benefitual fir dd to have a dad in her life i just hate feeling like this i dont no wat to do to change these thoughts..!!
im just feeling disheartened as a parent as a mum and as a person because im giving my all but it just doesnt seem to be enough
Last edited by Butterfly Child; June 13th, 2010 at 04:28 PM.
oh hun. I know that feeling it used to tick me off something bad. That the ex would only see DS if he had nothing better to do and he wouldnt turn up if something better came up grrr.
Just hang in there hun it gets better but i did learn not to bend to his whim.If i had made plans and he decideds at the last min he has time...too bad he soon learnt to book in lol
Thanks hun its so frustrating sometimes.. i just have to remember who im doing this for and look at her beautiful face and ill be ok just one of those days..you know
p.s sorry about my terrible spelling in my post..lol
Hun
You are human, you want a break, do not resent yourself for that
Do not question yourself, you are the best parent your DD could have!!! And what you do for her is more than enough, never doubt that! You love her, that is HUGE!
As for you XDP he does not realise what he is missing. You get ALL the smiles, ALL the cuddles, ALL the laughs!! He gets a handful.
aww your post made me cry..
you are doing a wonderful job..dont judge yourself. give yourself credit..
my ex hubby left me pregnant with my daughter (who is 18 soon) saw here a couple of times during her first year.. and just led his own life..
when she was one we got back together , got married and had a son. my life with him was controlling, but i wanted my kids to have a mum and dad..
we split 3 years ago because he started to get violent.. he has no emotion or love in him..
he now lives on a boat up north.. sees his kids once every 3 months , told my daughter he cant make her 18th because he has a sailing competition on .. sigh.. my kids are loosing respect for him.. my son needs a dad and he just never is there..
what i know though.. is MY KIDS love me!!! my kids tell me how much they love me.. i have them in my life and i love every minute of it..
i am now pregnant with my new partner.. a guy who is 15 years younger than me. oops.. and i have never experience this amazing sense of love..
i used to doubt my parenting skills.. now i realise.. I AM a wonderful mum.. and so are you!!.. what he does is his thing.. you are amazing and deserve to know it.. dont doubt yourself ..
it is so hard i know.. i constantly worry for my kids cause they need a dad.. but that is something out of our control.. you have control in making your daughters life loving and wonderful..
((hugs))
xx jo
Being a mum is so hard at times but none of us would change it,doesnt mean we dont have those days when we just need a break.Your doing a wonderful job and on your own none the less.I did it on my own for many years up untill nov last yr so i know how hard those times can get.
Just try to remember in the end you get all her love and respect you get to enjoy all the fun times smiles ect. He will regret it in the long run and we all know you cant make up for all those missed mile stone with children
Awwww hun your an AMAZING MUM and your just trying to do what is right for Grace but he needs to know that you can't just drop everything for him.
When my mum and dad 'shared' time with us dad had us every 2nd weekend and then a set time on school hols, if they swapped w/ends they gave notice etc, they never went through the courts or anything it was just something they decided.
To be honest it sounds like he is trying to make sure he is in control, i would see if you guys could maybe meet up and have a casual chat, tell him you need atleast 2 days notice, your more than happy to let her see him if you don't have plans BUT you WILL NOT be cancelling plans you have made if he does not provide said notice.
Tell him you want him to spend time with Grace and if he wants he can organise in advance to have her 1 or 2 times a month but any short notice visits need to be atleast a little forwarned.
Prob not making any sense at all.. your doing an amazing job hun, please don't doubt yourself but stand your ground and make sure you BOTH have rules to follow.. it's better for Grace to see the structure aswell.
You cannot put your life on hold whenever he wants you to. If you have made plans stick to them. Every weekend you cannot be sitting at home wondering if he is going to turn up. You have told him you need notice if he is coming so stick to your decision.
If he fades out of your life later on you will still have a routine to follow and not waiting 'in case he turns up'
Thx everyone for you kind words i had a talk to him, and things are alot better for now. i ended up meeting his new gf and she seems nice(was hard but i did it and its done )
Butterfly I think you and I are very similar in that you show a lot of maturity for your age, and everyone on these boards keeps saying the same about me.
You are doing a great job and Grace is soooooooooooooooooo lucky.
He is only being detrimental to himself and his own relationship with his child by popping in whenever he feels bothered to.. She will eventually get to an age if this continues that she will realize you have been much more stable and it will affect the way she sees him in the future.
Lots of hugs from me and Vinny xo
I've done some late night/morning researching and discovered some WONDERFUL sounding family conflict resolution etc. counselling type services in our town.. so that is fantastic, maybe the next step for me and J in our situation.
I've just spent the last 5 mins watching my belly bouncing around as Vinny kicks the crap outta me. Its so magical i can't stop grinning. love that feeling
Hun, it is so normal to feel what you are feeling.
I don't think there are many people out there who wouldn't feel a bit peeved at a guy who walked away, and then comes back & gets to do all the fun bits for a few hours a week - but doesn't have to deal with the ins & outs of everyday parenting on your own - not to mention the past few months when he wasn't there at all.
It's not easy! and you are doing such a fantastic job.
And you're right, he probably doesn't get it at all, it's just one of those things. So don't feel bad at all for how you feel!
One thing I might suggest is that if he is pushing the envelope a bit in terms of being flexible (and I don't know, it might have been a one off?), you might want to get something in place saying when he is to have her. It's nice to keep it informal & flexible if it's working for you, but if it stops working, don't hesitate to be firm. We had to do this years ago because XP used to take advantage in a big way & in the end it was easier to say 'no- this is your weekend etc'. I would have liked to be easier about it (and we tried that) but it just wasn't going to work.
Like I said, it may have been a one off & if you can keep it casual that's much nicer for everyone - but if you have made plans etc don't feel at all like you have to change it to suit him.
BellyBelly Member
just feeling disheartened :(
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