What are people's reactions when you say you are a SAHM??

[Heaven]

I am getting the impression here that being a SAHM is sort of looked down on, maybe that's too strong....maybe just not expected?? I'm not sure yet. But I feel like I have to justify it when people ask me and I really was not expecting this!! I never thought people would have this opinion. In my family all the mum's are SAHM's, I don't think we have any working mum's, so it was just normal to me iykwim??

I find it odd if I'm out with DD and people ask 'and what do you do??' like it's expected I do something else, being a mum isn't enough. I am sort of the other way around and expect that everyone's a SAHM, LOL, until they tell me otherwise. I guess just because that's what's normal for me and in my family. Although I obviously know there are lots of working mum's out there too.

So then when I say I'm a mum they look at me blankly like they're waiting for me to elaborate and when I don't I get 'and when are you going back to work?' and I say 'when I'm finished having kids', and then they seem to feel the need to ask about what I used to do and suggest I could do some part-time work between babies etc etc. Umm....don't remember saying I had a problem with it actually??

Kinda just makes me feel a bit crap!! Since when is being a SAHM not enough?? It's enough for me and I'm so proud to do it!! It's not like I'm doing it bc I don't have anything else to do. I have a masters degree and am qualified for a great job if I wanted it but I much prefer this one, and see it as the most important thing at this stage of my life. Being a SAHM isn't easy!! It's one of the hardest jobs on earth and the most important!! I'm so glad I am able to do it. But I don't need to convince you guys of that I'm sure.

So what is the deal???? Why do people think being a SAHM isn't enough?? I actually had someone say a comment to me (although it was about someone else) that 'having a baby isn't an achievement', ummmmmm......wrong audience buddy!!!!!!!!

I've also read threads on here about working mum's getting a hard time too. So we just can't get a break can we!! No matter what we do. Back off people!!

What have been your experiences??

[glenny_c]

Heaven-

I can't wait to be a SAHM!!! I am so proud when people ask me "so how long are you taking off with the baby?" I just tell them that I'm not going back.
I think being a mother IS an incrediable acheivement!!! Maybe for some, getting pregnant isn't an acheivement but being a proper mother (whether you work out of home or not) is an AMAZING acheivement!!!
all mothers should be proud!!! I knwo some of my friends would love to be able to be a SAHM, not everyone gets the option.

[black_rose]

My dad was originally horrified that I was going to be a sahm, he expected me to go back to my prestigious job with a uni blah blah. He eventually changed his mind after dd was born, she was a premmie and had a lot of appointments etc and he was besotted with so he finally seems to understand.

I think a lot of people presume we spend all day shopping, doing glamourous things. We go swimming, we play I clean, and we do it all over again. Watching the girls grow us amazing but it's hard work, being back at work would be so much easier. For now I haven't even thought about what I will do it's at least five years away before I would think about working again.

None of my friends have kids and think I am lucky not to work. They dream of the day!! I try not to let peoples opinions bother me as we are a happy little family. It can be frustrating if people think it's the easy way out.

[Visitor7]

Like black_rose has said, a lot of people assume sahm's do nothing but shop all day, sit on the lounge watching oprah and days of our lives etc. And those people are the ones that can't understand why our houses aren't in prestine condition as well lol.
I'm very proud to be a sahm. I've tried working p/t, then I tried working f/t. For us personally, it didn't work. It works better for me to be at home with our kids.

[Arimeh]

I found that up to 2 children - people expect you to go back to work. But when you have 3 kids, nobody asks you at all what you do, or if you stay at home...

So there's your answer - have more kids! lol

[Heaven]

LOL Mel, well I'm working on it! haha

[AnyDream]

I don't think people necessarily 'look down' on SAHMs, but rather it's not so much the norm these days. Typically families rely on more than one income financially, so many women who see themselves primarily as SAHMs also combine that with some paid work, squeezed into the week somewhere. It's also true that women struggle with social isolation when they are SAHMs for precisely those reasons - we don't necessarily have the social networks of other SAHMs in our lives, so perhaps the question is less a reflection on you and more a reflection on the person who asks it and that they struggle with the role, for whatever reason.

Personally I'm always impressed when I meet a 'true' SAHM, they seem to have their act together in a way that I've never managed to achieve

[Trillian]

I have found it's a generational thing around here. When I was pg with #1 and still working I had older people ask me "are you staying home" and I had younger people ask me "are you going back to work" - never was I ever looked down upon, but depending on which group I was responding too, I either got a "Good girl, they need their mums when their little" etc or a "Really? I couldn't do that" <- you work out which groups those answers belonged to I guess people don't realise that when you decide to become a SAHM, you aren't just going to stop work and bum around doing nothing, you are simply swapping one job for another, no different to any other career change really. So there is no need to be judged one way or another. Once I had DS1 I don't think I was ever asked again about going back to work at all. Not that I can remember anyway. Out here though the majority of Mums stay at home at least until their youngest is in school, or in preschool and then they start back at work. There aren't many who are back in full time work when their babies are still really little. And there is never a sense of obligation that you have to do one or the other - you just go about your business and its a non issue. The only time I have ever had to deal with a numpty about it was with the wife (now ex thankfully! she was a right *****!) of BIL's mate and she has this whole thing about not having kids because she 'has a career don't you know?' and looked down on those like me who gave it all up for kids. I mean FFS, she worked in retail, not that there's anything wrong with that, but to suggest that somehow she was better than me because she had a job is laughable really. I told her that once too and she didn't like it one little bit. Plus its not like raising kids means that I've done nothing worthwhile in that time. I have volunteered on committees, written a book and now I'm at Uni.

BUT, now I'm at the stage of my life where it is only around 9 years before my lot start leaving the nest and I decided that I didn't want to find myself at home on my own, no kids to look after and too old to get a job to fill in my day. I can't see myself spending endless days pottering in the garden either so that is why I'm at Uni so I can get my 'career' LOL and go back to work, so eventually I will be a working mum and I can't wait. I have no idea if that will change the perception of me by other people or not, now I have what I suppose could be called direction in my life ITMS, but the SAHM and eventually the Working Mum labels are ones I will accept with pride.

[westy]

[QUOTE=Heaven;2362509]I am getting the impression here that being a SAHM is sort of looked down on, maybe that's too strong....maybe just not expected?? I'm not sure yet. But I feel like I have to justify it when people ask me and I really was not expecting this!! I never thought people would have this opinion. In my family all the mum's are SAHM's, I don't think we have any working mum's, so it was just normal to me iykwim??

Great post Heaven, i often feel exactly the same way you do ...like i have to justify why i am a SAHM but really it's no-one elses business. Being a Mum is the best job in the world and i am sooo lucky that im able to be a SAHM.

I find it odd if I'm out with DD and people ask 'and what do you do??' like it's expected I do something else, being a mum isn't enough.

[Trillian]

I don't think people necessarily 'look down' on SAHMs, but rather it's not so much the norm these days. Typically families rely on more than one income financially, so many women who see themselves primarily as SAHMs also combine that with some paid work, squeezed into the week somewhere.

Actually now you've said that, I think there is a kind of reverse discrimination for not working, because some people think that because your family can afford for you to stay home, then you must have money kwim? which is bull****, it just means that we are able to survive on one income and are no different to the families that need two incomes coming in - no different to if one parent stayed home while the other worked two jobs.

[boobaloo]

i'm a sahm, and i think it's the hardest job in the world!
some people mention going back to work, especially when they know we are struggling financially, but they don't realise that when your income goes up, ftb goes down, ccb goes down, child care goes up... the list goes on.
ultimately, dp and i decided that i would stay home until the kids were both at school, we didn't have them for others to raise them (this is no reflection on others, just how we felt). i do sometimes worry about what i will do after the kids have gone off to school, and i'm looking at doing another degree in the next couple of years.

lol, have just realised i haven't even touched on the op's point.. yes, sometimes i think sahm's are judged, but then i think working mothers are judged aswell, a lot of the time by sahm's... so, i just don't let it bother me, everyone's entitled to an opinion, we're just doing what we think is best for our family.

[Heaven]

Good point Trill. People seem to think we have lots of money and that's why I do it, bc I can afford to but it's just not true. DH doesn't earn much. We decided it wasn't important to us to have a house of our own before having kids bc that would mean we would have to wait longer and I would prob have to work instead. We have just arranged our lives to make it work so I can be a SAHM bc it's important to us!! And we only spend what we have, not more.

[~clover~]

I met a couple of girls a few years ago. One I already knew, one I had once or twice & the other I'd never met.
None of them had kids yet, but the one I knew before hand knew that I was a mum & thats all I am. I had the 2 girls at the time.

Anyway, we're standing outside chatting, one's a physio, one works for the mayor & the other (friend) is a legal secretary. They chat about work & ask what I do.
My answer... I'm a mum. Them... yeah, but what do you do?
Well, lets see, I fell pg with DD1 at 17, & DD2 at 20. I did work in my mum's takeaway shop over those years & worked my butt off, but I've never had a career. (Poor me)
Well the 2 who didn't know me didn't really wanna know me after that. We lived in a very, very small town (less than 200 people) & we were all close in age. But I'm much happier hanging out with my MIL & her friends, all in their 40's than those 2. All MIL's friends stayed home unless they had to work for a while in hard times & they all supported each other, & me, through thick & thin. All easy to get along with easy going & wouldn't dare look down on anyone.

Some people are just too self centered I think. I have loads of friends also who've always worked, but none of us judge each other for our own choices.
I've put at least another 3 years in the future to staying at home, coz I think thats whats in the best interest of my kids. I'll go back to work, to do whatever I want, when I feel my baby is ready.

[krysalyss]

I guess it depends who you are talking to. If they are part of a group with not many kids then you do get the blank stare when you say SAHM. I actually am not a SAHM as DH and I have always split kid duties and then I work on top of that. But I used to say it just to see what the reaction is, and it was clear that the people I said it to were a bit taken aback and didn't know then what to say. DH does mostly caring duties now and he proudly says it when people ask what he does. The silence after that is even longer than when I say it. LOL

[~Kaz~]

Hey Heaven, I agree with PP's that no matter what you do, if it's different to your audience asking the questions, they will question it or look strangely at you. I think it's just that we automatically expect people to be just like us (without knowing we're doing it half the time) so there's surprise when we find a difference. And I totally relate because I had people asking when I was going back to work and telling me I'd be bored (wtf?) when I was home with DS for 13 months and now that I'm back part time people are asking when I'm going back full time or whether I feel guilty etc. Everyone has an opinion. I totally agree with MD too, that if people have an issue or are surprised, it says way more about them than it does about you. You could point out, nicely of course, that your choices seem to be making them uncomfortable? I would say less rather than more, you don't need to justify yourself to anyone and could end those discussions with a one line cliche like 'variety is the spice of life, we're all different, this works for us right now' etc.

[Mum2SweetCs]

Hi Heaven,

Havent read the PP posts but if someone told me they were a SAHM, i would be soooooooo envious!!!!!!!! and tell them how lucky they are!!!!

I would love to be a SAHM, and so would all my other friends who have kids.

So maybe the people responding to you in a condesending way is just JEALOUS!

[mbear]

Ive actually found other women look at me with envy when i say im a SAHM....i guess it depends on whom your talking too. But ive never, ever felt like im beneath anyone that is actually working....
i dont know if its the way you say it.....im not saying you are disappointed with your 'role' or anything, but i kinda boast 'im a SAHM' with a smile on my face....coz i consider it a privelledge to be able to stay at home for my children. Maybe its the way its coming across.....
Im sorry you feel like that anyway.....FWIW, it is the best job in the world....and those 'people' just dont know what they're missing....

[meow]

I actually find the response to being a SAHM is pretty positive. Most older people think I'm making a good choice and most younger people (my age) think it's something to be envious of. I agree that it seems to hold a certain amount of prestige, "if you can stay at home then your H must be making big bucks" kind of thinking. Which is not completely the case as we have made financial and lifestyle choices based on the primary decision for me to be a SAHM but we are fortunate that my H's job is reasonably well paid.

Though I do get asked "when are you planning on returning to work?" I let people know I'm not going back to work until our last baby is at least 2 or 3. Everyone seems to think that's a reasonable response.