Good point Trill. People seem to think we have lots of money and that's why I do it, bc I can afford to but it's just not true. DH doesn't earn much. We decided it wasn't important to us to have a house of our own before having kids bc that would mean we would have to wait longer and I would prob have to work instead. We have just arranged our lives to make it work so I can be a SAHM bc it's important to us!! And we only spend what we have, not more.
I guess it depends who you are talking to. If they are part of a group with not many kids then you do get the blank stare when you say SAHM. I actually am not a SAHM as DH and I have always split kid duties and then I work on top of that. But I used to say it just to see what the reaction is, and it was clear that the people I said it to were a bit taken aback and didn't know then what to say. DH does mostly caring duties now and he proudly says it when people ask what he does. The silence after that is even longer than when I say it. LOL
Hey Heaven, I agree with PP's that no matter what you do, if it's different to your audience asking the questions, they will question it or look strangely at you. I think it's just that we automatically expect people to be just like us (without knowing we're doing it half the time) so there's surprise when we find a difference. And I totally relate because I had people asking when I was going back to work and telling me I'd be bored (wtf?) when I was home with DS for 13 months and now that I'm back part time people are asking when I'm going back full time or whether I feel guilty etc. Everyone has an opinion. I totally agree with MD too, that if people have an issue or are surprised, it says way more about them than it does about you. You could point out, nicely of course, that your choices seem to be making them uncomfortable? I would say less rather than more, you don't need to justify yourself to anyone and could end those discussions with a one line cliche like 'variety is the spice of life, we're all different, this works for us right now' etc.
Ive actually found other women look at me with envy when i say im a SAHM....i guess it depends on whom your talking too. But ive never, ever felt like im beneath anyone that is actually working....
i dont know if its the way you say it.....im not saying you are disappointed with your 'role' or anything, but i kinda boast 'im a SAHM' with a smile on my face....coz i consider it a privelledge to be able to stay at home for my children. Maybe its the way its coming across.....
Im sorry you feel like that anyway.....FWIW, it is the best job in the world....and those 'people' just dont know what they're missing....
I actually find the response to being a SAHM is pretty positive. Most older people think I'm making a good choice and most younger people (my age) think it's something to be envious of. I agree that it seems to hold a certain amount of prestige, "if you can stay at home then your H must be making big bucks" kind of thinking. Which is not completely the case as we have made financial and lifestyle choices based on the primary decision for me to be a SAHM but we are fortunate that my H's job is reasonably well paid.
Though I do get asked "when are you planning on returning to work?" I let people know I'm not going back to work until our last baby is at least 2 or 3. Everyone seems to think that's a reasonable response.
I love being a SAHM and am so proud of my role I love it when people ask me 'what do you do?' and I say "i'm a mum.... a 24/7 role!" and most people don't usually say anymore after that, they understand it's an important role. But I do understand what you mean, there are lots of people out there who assume or expect we can just go back to work asap after having a baby and life goes back to normal and that kids can just go to daycare etc..... well that might work for some but not all of us.
I would get annoyed initially when I was pregnant because at the time I was working in our shop (our family business, me and DH) and customers would constantly ask me "so when are you going to come back to the shop after having bub?" and I'd have to tell them "I won't be as my job will be parenting our daughter and staying home with her as that is all I've ever wanted to do is raise my babies and focus on them".... I got told by a customer once "i returned back to work after my baby was 3wks old and she would just sit in the cot next to me while i worked etc" and I just smiled and thought to myself ... well thats not me! thats why we pay staff so i don't have to be there
Don't worry what others think about SAHM's.... we know how much work is involved in raising little one's. The only one's making those comments are people who don't yet have kids and don't realise the commitment it is
I think I have been met by every single different response possible, when I tell people that I am a SAHM. My favourite would have to be when they start justifying to 'me' about how being a SAHM is the hardest job in the world and how dedicated and fabulous I am for being a SAHM!! Like I somehow need their validation?
Or the other response I get when they find out later on that although I title myself a SAHM, I also do work for Weight Watchers and study, and then I am greeted with shock and disbelief and told "so you do work!" or some other equally baffling/disturbing/judgemental response.
Mind you having 3 young kids at home, I have found the responses to be more geared towards how busy I must be running after them all (disbelief I could have so many so close in age), which is a pleasant change to when I just had one or two kids.
I have found that most people seem to 'expect' that once your kids are around 1yr or older, that you will look at 'returning' to the workplace. It can be a very interesting conversation sometimes, when I then have to explain that I cann't 'return' to the workplace, because I have never truely been in it (from studying to mothering). And that furthermore, this was a 'choice' deliberately made by DH and myself. Everyone is shocked. Some people are logical and can understand this after they think about it. Others....well lets just just you can see their eyes glaze over and you can see the judgements forming.
I think it is human nature to want to categorise everyone. People want everyone else to fit in there little boxes that make up how they veiw the world. I (and I am sure many other SAHM's) baffle people because as soon they think they have me pegged and can safely religate me to an assigned category, they I go again messing up their percieved notion of how things actually work.
Wait until you tell them your a WAHM who makes cloth nappies....people take a step back I kid you not
I was really shocked the first few times but ahh bugger them, my children are better of for having me work from home and so am I.
And honestly..who cares what they think, they dont walk in our shoes
I think that when you are a mum of the stay at home or work variety people feel they have a right to have an opinion on your parenting. I am a working mum and have had several comments from close friends and family suggestiing I am not as good as a mother as friends who stay home.
DH and I share parenting and ultimately want to both work part time, Unfortunately my job means I have to work more in the next couple of years and DH stays home more. I have felt extremely judged and shed many tears. I wish we could be more supportive of fellow parents, No matter how yits done its a hard, wonderful job. Bellybelly is a lovely supportive environement and I feel happy to have found it.
Polly - you are so right about judgement cutting both ways. SAHM or Working mum, some people choose what they want, others have no or little choice. The truth is that it is no-one else's business and they shouldn't judge. Unfortunately, people do - usually other women and usually because of their own insecurities. I think as a MUM, we do need to grow a thick skin and try not to let those judgement get to us too much.
I constantly had people saying to me "when are you going back to work?" or "how long are you taking off?" etc etc... And I'd reply with "I'm not going back to work" and just get a blank stare, like how dare I! I feel there is a LOT of pressure to get back into working. And it's strange isn't it because the older generation stayed home to look after their babies, but the younger generation just expect us to go back to work. Being a SAHM is definitely a privilege and very, very hard work.
I grew up with my Mother never being at home, she worked night shift so would be out the door as soon as we got home from school. It was hard and as a result (plus a few other factors) we aren't close at all. So I really appreciate being able to stay home.
DH has a great career and we feel that me being a SAHM has been a blessing as I was able to keep him on track when it came to DH completing his University degrees and take care of the household. Sure, money was tight at the beginning but we knew it would only be for a few years.
Although, Dh's friends can be really frustrating at times. Almost everytime we see them I get "What do you do all day????" grrrr.
No matter what you do with your life you will always have someone that finds something wrong with your decisions. It's just to make themselves more satisfied with their lives.
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I love it when people ask me 'what do you do?' and I say "i'm a mum.... a 24/7 role!" and most people don't usually say anymore after that, they understand it's an important role. But I do understand what you mean, there are lots of people out there who assume or expect we can just go back to work asap after having a baby and life goes back to normal and that kids can just go to daycare etc..... well that might work for some but not all of us.
thats why we pay staff so i don't have to be there
would have to be when they start justifying to 'me' about how being a SAHM is the hardest job in the world and how dedicated and fabulous I am for being a SAHM!! Like I somehow need their validation?
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